A Post Written by SAD, Winter’s Seasonal Disorder

Rain and Ponding on Nashville Roads

Good morning! Well it is morning time here as I write this. Just a little mid-week update. I don’t have anything specific to share so I’ll write from the heart, which you all seem to like the best anyway. The week is going by fast. I have been experiencing sadness and/or disappointment and/or just a little bit of what I call “unsettled”. I thought it was over my videos and just kinda being discouraged by where I am with that and I do have a bit of debris to work through there. But as I’ve worked through most of that in my head, I realize it’s more than that. I think it is the SAD or Seasonal Disorder thing that normally hits about now with me.

I think the Seasonal Disorder or SAD is brought on by a perfect storm scenario – and on some days quite literally as with these terrific rain and thunderstorms that come our way. But seriously, Christmas is over, and the hype we give ourselves for starting fresh in the new year (for me that was Feb 1 as I didn’t get to do much personally in Jan). And now that Feb is here, even though we have been teased by some warmer air, it’s still very much cold and gloomy most days. And I’ll just add that February has been somewhat of a letdown as far as having “time” goes and the “wanna do” list just keeps on growing. So SAD for me is not only not having sun, tired of the winter, and stuck in the doldrums – the kick in the belly for me is not having the time I need to recharge and be a healthy version of me. And let me add that when I try to take time to myself I pay for it in the long run by being so backed up with life’s or everyone else’s needs or lists.

I thought February would bring huge pockets of time. And well, I guess it has periodically. But I find my soul wanting to just sit and read a book. Like how much trouble would that be? (A lot). I look across my house in the mornings as I rush off to work and think “oh if I just had time to work on that today” or “if I was home all day, just think what I could accomplish”. In the past when I felt like this, I would take a vacation day. But these days we are often short on vacation days for all we try to do. (Positive note: at least we are not moving my mother twice this year! One can hope not anyway!) Side note: I also realize that my soul and psyche is needing a beach. I don’t want to lay out on the beach, but I do want to walk on it, be able to look at it from a condo balcony, and eat seafood, shop the shops, buy a t shirt, read a book and feel the warm breeze and sunshine on my face. I have my memories at least to think of.

I know that we are blessed and have everything we need (but time) and I have God that hears my thoughts and sends me messages throughout the day in various formats. HE HOLDS ME. I am also depressed thinking of the fact that I’m doing another whine about time post. But if this is a reality blog, I guess that is the theme of late. We’ve always been short on time I suppose but it came in spurts before and I had a remedy. This time is unpredictable and well, life is just not turning out as I expected it to be. There is a huge gap between what I wanted it to be and what it is.

My thoughts have been things like “so this is what has become of my life”? It’s not a bad life, but given the SAD that is upon most of us right now with all this rain and gloom, I just feel stuck in my life. And at times it seems there is no control or change. There is some though and mostly just how I view it has to change. It’s just hard. There are some things that are not as I want them to be. Most of which will not be or cannot logically be changed.

And the SAD makes you question yourself as a person too. And the things you tell yourself are not very positive in thought. And that just leads you down a darker road. Regardless of how much you have tried to do or be – it’s like there are these forces that just put barriers in your way of anything and everything you try to do or plan or be. And I’m so over that already.

Then when you begin to think of all these things and go down all these dark alleys of what was supposed to be but didn’t happen that way, and you question yourself as a person – they way you look at yourself, and the way others look at you. Then the rain comes and the time you need doesn’t – it just sinks you deeper into the mud hole. And you realize and say to yourself. I’m just so tired. Tired of everything. I want to do nothing. Just tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of being. Sleep is so inviting. Most of the time sleep cures what I need and the day starts afresh, and usually disappoints again because it had no more than 24 hours just like the day before.

A Winter’s Night Outlook

I’m sure that is why most everyone in life is ready for Spring Break! We all need a break. So before you worry, I AM FINE. I really am. I do this every year – except this year the “time” thing (its absence) is on steroids. And I’m sure many of you can relate to this – this time of the year. And personally I think it comes again as a “heat disorder” (HAD? lol) in late July and early August. :-O

I realize that what I’m going through is normal and the dip is also exacerbated by not getting in my vitamins over the weekend (I didn’t get time to refill them into my 7-day vitamin holder until til late Sunday night). The extra vitamin D is so critical this time of year. And I missed a couple of doses.

As for the videos, enhhhh, I’ll get all that sorted out and my hope is still alive that I’ll get around the curve and finally maybe one day have time to build it and grow it and get better at it. I appreciate your support and positive comments that you have given me over time. It’s fine. It’ll all be fine. I’m not giving up. Not giving up on me, nor the fact that one day I’ll have TIME.

So I spent the two hours Sunday to myself and have been paying for it ever since. I finally got the laundry finished yesterday and the ironing done last night. I got Mom’s crocs order done. And I have some orders I need to do for myself but have not had time. I finally got the Isagenix autoship cancelled over chat – all the while George was yelling “come to dinner, dinner’s ready” repeatedly. lol. I am thankful for dinner but I had to slide that one in there as I was in the middle of it and it’s been on my list for over a month. Finally! After forgetting the password and going to my password service and then my password service wouldn’t let me in because I was having problems remembering the password to IT! Finally found where I had THAT password so I could go back and sign in to Isagenix and get this done. I’ve tried for so long to get it cancelled and just never had time and every time I try to do it I run into this kind of thing —or dinner’s ready one of the two. lol. Then it’s my time to spend with George – dinner and a Netflix show. Then the beloved bed time. I slept so good last night. Didn’t even wake once.

We are going to Mom’s house tonight as she is fixing spaghetti for dinner, and going to her house over the weekend to hang pictures. And she has asked that George do a Lowe’s run for filters. The kind she had me order on Amazon didn’t work. ::sigh::

So yeah, it’ll be ok. I just need some time to breathe, some sunshine, and did I say time? Yeah just some time will be fine. Let me see how much THAT costs on Amazon. And where is that long lost “relative” when you need her? That realm of life doesn’t fit the picture either. What I have done to deserve having to take care of things by myself? Let her come hang some pictures. Sorry, I just had to forgive again. 70 X 7. I think I’m about there at the limit. What happens then? lol. We combust? I think I’ve already done that. And that is NOT ok.

Sadness, Moving Things Around, and Decorating for Christmas

My bedroom is back together and the cat is back in his weekend winter spot. I had been missing Maisy and Roger yesterday as they would lay and watch us decorate and flit about the house. It just especially hit me yesterday. My shoe rack is back together and no longer in two baskets of piles where I couldn’t find anything. Now I need to locate my other winter things downstairs that includes my scarves so I can put them out in the basket on top of the shoes. I’ve missed them last week. I could have used them on those 20 degree mornings we had.

I now have two drawers of pajamas! I can fit them all in. Not shown is the 1st drawer. I have more winter PJ’s coming – likely in the same tub as the scarves. I have to locate them in the basement storage unless George brought them up already. They may be in the kitchen. There’s a tub of clothes in there. But I had to stop working on clothes to get the Christmas done. I’m only about half way through considering the tree is not done yet. It seems we are always having to buy a string of lights. The middle section of the tree never wants to work on any prelit tree we seem to have. So we have to buy more and it’ll have to be today because I need to get the tree done today. We go back to work tomorrow.

My sock drawer is back, complete with section of Christmas socks and one bathing suit in case we go to a heated pool or hot tub in the winter time. It’s rare but possible.

I listened to Christmas Cafe Jazz on YouTube- just a pretty scene filled with beautiful Christmas music. I listened while decorating and moving stuff around.

Mid-day we took Mom some Turkey and Dressing and other leftovers and the rest of her clothes. George had to check a fuse. A fuse had “tripped” or whatever that meant on one side of her cabinets. I don’t know what would make that happen. But I guess it was an easy reset.

She wanted us to put her clothes we took over on her bed. She was going to put them up later in the day. It took us about 5 trips with the two of us to bring them all in. We had two complete car loads again. I think there are a few more things downstairs but mainly yard critters, some videos, and we’ll just have to go through and move things around as we straighten the basement and make sure we took everything over.

I had tears while putting up Christmas. Just so many emotions. First, I miss the love of my Maisy dog who loved me unconditionally. I am also upset that I couldn’t get Mom’s house put together more for her with the time we had the past few weeks. It was just the weirdest move ever. The boxes went in before the furniture making it very difficult to unpack. I had thought the last out items from the old house would be the first in. If we had done it that way it would have been easier on the unpackers (mainly me). But it was first out (all the unneeded items) and first in to the new house which meant we were accessing and unpacking a lot of boxes that were not needed. There are so many boxes and so many of the needed boxes have been on the bottom or where we can’t get to them and many of them heavy. George moved boxes around two or three times trying to find things. We still don’t have her TV hooked up and can’t find the remotes.

Since Mom can’t do much, everything totally falls upon us. I saw a Facebook post yesterday indicating she had made a mistake by moving. I think that is because so many things are still in boxes and she has downsized (well the space has) but her things have not much other than furniture. But with her statement on Facebook It makes those of us who have worked so hard to please her, feel bad. However, she didn’t have anyone to take care of her in Columbia as she and my sister quarreled and had a falling out and my sister has set a boundary with her to never see her again. So she gets no care from that side of the family. Mom would not hear of assisted living as an option, which I can see now would have been the best of options seeing that she is winded just getting up out of the chair and moving three feet. But it is what it is. There are just some facts that can’t change. And a big one is that it was her decision and we have all worked hard to make it come true. It’s a beautiful place and once we get the place together it’ll be recognized, one can hope. But there are only three of us trying to work on it and Mom can’t do much, and now I am paying for it with being out of line and I am having to quit lifting so much. Although I don’t seem to be doing a good job of it. Last night I was in so much pain with my rotator cuff and back that I had to take Tylenol and put a heating pad on my neck. Jaw still not right and will go to doc when we are back from our trip. I just don’t have time this week. I can open my mouth wide now but there is this one section of my jaw that is hung and will not open up.

There are a few facts that cannot be changed.

  1. We can’t and won’t be there 24/7. We are trying to accommodate the best we can. But we don’t and can’t give 100% of our time.The move details are going to take a while to sort out. We knew it wasn’t going to be overnight.
  2. It took several weeks to move out of her old house. It’s the same moving in and setting up.
  3. It takes patience and resolve – which are things both Mom and I – I get it honest – are not very good at. We want it and we want it fixed right now.
  4. She knows where she wants things. I don’t. When I try to ask where things go she doesn’t know yet. I get it. Somethings she just has to figure out.
  5. The most important thing to remember is that: This was her decision.

I think George is going over there for a few things today. After sleeping I can’t remember what for, but maybe something for the TV or the rails. Not even sure. My mind is all over the place. But she has some mail and a flash light and some things he is taking over today. He suggested I stay here at the house and do what I need to get done being that today is our last day to get Christmas up and my winter clothes out and finish our laundry.

We also have to pack for our trip that we go on later in the week. Also Lowe’s has not called about the dishwasher we just had to buy and paid for install. It’s been two days. But I understand it’s been a holiday weekend and all and things are not normal. I figure they will call on Monday.

Mom was nice to buy a tank of gas for me yesterday. I had to stop and get gas. It does not take long for the gas to go when I’m driving to Nashville every day and then several trips to Lebanon in the other direction. So I appreciated that. She has taken us out to eat numerous times too in the last month and I appreciate that.

So today’s agenda:

  • Finish Putting Christmas out
  • Obtain Christmas lights and get that figured out. (I hate having to add the lights. I hate that part with a passion. And it makes me in a horrible mood.). Mood gets better when putting the ornaments on.
  • Moving my summer clothes over from the coat closet to the office closet
  • Moving the coats back up to the coat closet
  • Looking at this week’s to do list
  • Redoing my vitamins for the week
  • Putting a few things on the iPhone to do list
  • Changing George’s sheets – bless his heart I think it’s been 3 weeks.
  • Find my winter clothes container
  • Begin packing for trip – no more off days til then
  • Wash dishes
  • Fix eggs for breakfast
  • Wash 2 to 3 more loads of clothes
  • Vacuum
  • Watch a show mid-day with pop corn when I get tired
  • Might stop for an hour late afternoon and work on the iMovie and drink coffee when my back starts to hurt and my energy wanes.
  • I’m sure there’s more stuff but I am not sure what it is.

I did some Christmas shopping at 1:30 a.m. night before last – it’s kinda the only time I have had. I have asked God to help me and I think he wakes me mid morning to shop. lol. Mom also needs some things to be ordered. Once the move started it has been hard for us to sit down together and do it. She said she would try to send me the link. Or at least a picture.

I got a full night’s sleep last night of 8.5 hours. That was nice. I am a little stiff this morning but at least not in pain. The icy hot also was a quick remedy.

The alerts seem to be working for some of you and I have one person saying theirs is not working via email. It’s the strangest thing. I wonder if it is sending to trash or junk? Maybe it’s a sign, lol! It will need to be on the safe list. I need to sign up for my own blog with another email address and see if that works for me, lol, so I know if I get it or if I don’t.

So I’m off to it this morning. This big long list. What all are you doing today?

Roger is now at Rest

I believe this was the last picture I took of Roger, unless I just missed it in my phone. I did not want to wait til tomorrow to tell you all that after I blogged this morning, I fixed us all a little breakfast of sausage balls and boiled eggs, and during that time Roger was still having some issues – getting stuck in corners and under things and moaning and howling. George couldn’t console him, walked around in the yard with him, and came back in and said “it’s time to go to the vet”. I took a shower real quick. And we went down the street to the one that had taken care of his foot a few weeks ago.

I drove and George held him. He was finally asleep and he seemed lifeless. I pulled into the vet parking lot, tears streaming. George said “let’s sit here and hold him a while before we go in”. While he was in my arms, he seemed lifeless and like he weighed nothing. I told George I thought he was in the process of dying. We waited a few minutes more. I told George we needed to just go in.

I knew George would not be able to speak, so we went in and I told the front desk “we think he’s dying”. And they whisked us back to a room immediately and immediately got the vet. They did bloodwork. It took a while. We put him down and he woke up, wobbled, and went under our legs and under the bench we sat on, finally came out, put his nose into a corner under a ledge and sat down very slowly and went to sleep.

The vet came in and said he thought his kidneys were failing him but there was nothing significant going on in his blood. While he said he likely is not going to get better, he can’t cure his old age or his dementia but he could give him some anxiety meds or meds to suppress him some and make him comfortable and the vet said or you could decide he had lived a good life and choose to let him go but that is up to you. George strongly considered the meds. He asked my opinion. I told him I was worried about when we were not there and I was worried he would hurt himself in odd ways and I hate to put Mom in that position to be having to watch him and she won’t be able to bend over and get him out of his situations while we are at work. And that with George not getting sleep (up 7 or 8 times last night) and we can’t console his howling, no quality really of life with us anymore. It’s really only delaying things to wait. He asked the vet if he said we would let him go would he be saying “you made the right decision” b/c he knew the vet would not recommend we put him down. He said “yes in this case I think you would be making a right decision”. So George said “let’s go ahead then”. Of course it was hard, we cried.

They came in with a soft sedative at first and left the room while we spent the next 2 or 3 minutes as he closed his eyes. Then he came in with the final injection. Roger fought it a little. He took some quick deep breaths and lasted longer than he should have. But finally his breathing shallowed and eventually stopped. We held him a lot during those last few hours and talked with him and told him to tell Maisy and Tugie hello. We told him what a special dog he had been and a unique one. We told him he would be leaping and playing soon. We rubbed his head, his nose, his ears, held his paws, rubbed and pulled on his tail like we always would do. He even had his little tongue out and I ran my fingers over his mouth and touched his tongue. I just felt like I needed to, that tongue that always hung out!

They put him in a box and we brought him home. George dug the grave and we buried him. I texted Katy to tell her as she didn’t answer the phone. We told close friends and neighbors. Our neighbor David came over. It was good to have someone to talk to to make us laugh a bit and bring our spirits up. David and another neighbor came over when we buried Maisy too.

Afterward George had some errands to run – to pick up an amplifier and go to the grocery. I wanted to find some clothes so I went shopping. It wasn’t as joyful of course, but I did feel “free” such a moment of freedom to get to go and do my own thing. It has been sooooo long it seems. So I had some good finds – pants and blouses. I totally forgot to go to the shoe store! I can’t believe it. But I probably did enough damage in one day. So I’ll go to the shoe store on another day.

The crowds out there were very thick today and the lines to pay were as long as Christmas. Just crazy. Dressing rooms were open! I was so happy. I took a bit of video today. But not like I really wanted to. There was a lot of people. I am uncomfortable videoing others.

Anyway just a sad day. It’s harder for George. I loved him too and I’ve cried but there is going to be a hole in his heart for some time. The two bonded and loved each other so much. He had been aloof for a while though but until the last few days, always wanted his Daddy. But George had been unable to console him.

Sleeping after a long drive from Nashville to Hot Springs
Tongue out!
With his sister, in healthier days. Roger really went down after Maisy died.
At Don and Lisa’s – He got to go and we were all so happy of Lisa’s hospitality.
George and his little buddy watching an amazing sunset on the ranch in Breckenridge, TX.
He loved to sit in his Daddy’s lap.

He loved his monkeys! He would loved for George to throw it in his younger years. And he would go retrieve it. He was a special little man. I just loved how he took up with George so immediately. They were the two men of the house. They bonded so well. They hung out always. He loved to sleep with us. He loved Maisy. He went down after Maisy left us. He went down pretty immediately after that. He was never able to rest much, like he was always looking for her. He began his love affair with “water” about that time. He would panic if he could not be near his water. But we had many years with him. He traveled with us wherever we went. He went to Tybee and Savanah. Went to Texas and the ranch. He always got to go to his Nana’s. And Lisa let him hang out at their house. And Katy let him come to the ranch.

He was in diapers the last seven months or so. I guess in the last year or year and a half he got to where he couldn’t jump up to or from the sofa. Then in the last few months did NOT want to be on the sofa at all because he had to be near his water.

I am so tired right now that it’s hard to think straight. I’m trying to recall all the memories. I’m mainly remembering the travels and nights we all snuggled around watching TV. There was the time or two he snuck out the door and someone luckily noticed. He loved to bark at the deer. He did not like to be in cages (that’s how he lost his teeth we think before he came to us).

Little did we all know that when he went to visit Katy in the old college neighborhood, that when he came to them looking for food, and some attention, that he would be coming to live with us the rest of his life. He was not taken care of, no one was missing him, and Katy brought him home to take to the vet and get him checked out until we could find a home. She named him Pumpkin. He was only supposed to spend the weekend. We fell in love with him over that weekend and kept him. We tried to guess his real name one night and we all tossed out dog names then Bible names and then people names. Someone said “Roger” and his head popped up. “Roger” again and it popped up again. I kinda think that his name was really Dodger after baseball. But Roger sounded like it. We went with Roger. Such a cool dog name, huh? So…baseball games would come on and be loud and he would leave the room. I think something must have happened to make him nervous before he came to us as when sports would come on he would leave the room and sneak away. He also did not like the vacuum.

Anyway, we are going to miss our little buddy.

As for me tonight I need to try to do a few chores – laundry mainly. I will work more on the house tomorrow.

I am sad. Tired. But it’s George that will feel the biggest hurts. I loved him too, but he loved that dog more than just about any of us! And that’s a fact! It will be sad and lonely for a long while for both of us. We will come home and he won’t be there waiting.