Ahhhhh! Finally. A Vacation Day to get ready for Christmas time. So I’m in my little office here at home. I have a card table set up in here for a place to easy wrap and prep the gifts. I’m going to turn the music on here on iTunes in a few and get started. I’ve got quite the stack. Mostly George’s left. He’s in the other room working so I can hopefully get them done without him walking in. I’m also wrapping Aunt Martha’s and Uncle Ken’s. I’ve already wrapped most of Mom’s and Kevin and Susans, my BIL and SIL.
Katy’s and Cody’s gifts are all taken care of and they have received. We did a 12 days of Christmas box for them each in lieu of our not being there as well. Cody’s parents are there now visiting and I was glad to know they were able to go out there in Texas to see them during the holidays. We are saving our time for January as we can’t do both. I was hoping for a Christmas swap then, but I think we’ll be too busy and taking care of Baby River!
Planning for Being Out
Yesterday, at work I did some training for my replacement to do time edits, and PTO coding, and how to do the overnight paks to the other plants and what goes in them, so that she can help do some of the admin pieces of my job while I’m out in January. Someone else will be doing the actual payroll. I’ll be doing the taxes the week I come back – they don’t take long and it’ll still meet deadline. Friday’s is mainly prep work for the upcoming payroll. Monday is a little different as you print all plant’s time sheets out and fix mistakes you find. We trained on that last Monday and will do some more this Monday.
News on the BABY front. Katy’s appointment went well on Monday and she said the doc does not let her patients go past their due date. She’s due Jan 19th. So at least we know that it’s not likely I’ll be gone the last week of January which is good news as I’ll at least have some time to have long days at work to play catch up from being out and meeting those 1/31 deadlines. Yes, don’t worry, I’m remembering what George and I discussed about reasonably doing what ANY OTHER salaried person would do when going on PTO. Not planning on packing a bag and working overnight by any means, but I will certainly do what I can given the circumstances. I’m not one to NOT try and meet my goals. I’ll work tirelessly no doubt to try and get things done. But in reality. There will be 50+ hours of work I won’t be there to do. Can I get the 50 hours spread out over the rest of the entire month of January? Maybe – but who knows. I like getting my goals and boxes checked off so I’ll give it my best shot anyway. If I’m gone the third week of January – that is usually the LULL week anyway where I’m waiting on stuff from others before I can go further, so perhaps it won’t be as bad as we think. Now that I remembered that I feel better. There IS ALWAYS that week after a quarter I can’t do much as I await for information to continue. I can’t believe I didnt’ think of that before. Wow, I think I’ve just solved the dilemma enough to not worry over it so much, knowing there is a week where I wait for stuff. So I won’t be missing out on as much as we think.
Strange Items on Alexa’s Grocery List
After work yesterday I went to the store. I needed a few things for my Rotel Chicken Spaghetti I’m having tonight. And George needed a few things for his casserole dish he was making last night. I also did a bit of shopping. I had to hide a few things so George wouldn’t see. lol
George always adds things to the grocery list. As you can see he added Michael Jackson’s nose and Larks tongue and a Walrus Mustache. It was supposed to be aspic and Larks tongue but Alexa separated them. He cooks so much and I googled it to make sure Aspic was a real thing and it’s a gel substance to thicken things. So I really thought he needed it. I looked for it. Couldn’t find it. I asked a lady that was older than me if she knew where it might be. That lady went and looked for it. She wasn’t even an employee. I didn’t have the heart to tell her later as we passed again on a later aisle that it was just my spouse playing tricks. Well jokes on me. I had called George and asked where the Aspic would be and laughed and said it was a joke. “Oh good! Now that I’ve sent everyone looking for it” lol
Dinner was good. George made a cheeseburger bake. It was spicy and tasted a lot like sloppy joes. He loves the cheeseburger bakes. I was afraid it would be too spicy and I would regret it later, but the biscuit softened the blow I think, lol.
I surprised him with an heirloom tomato from the store. Publix had about 5 of them in their produce section. Yeah a little more pricey but it’s Christmas time and considering it was a small one, I went for it. He was happy. They were good and flavorful.
Maisy’s Spot on the Sofa
Roger took Maisy’s spot the night before last. And Little Bit took it last night. I couldn’t stop staring at Little Bit in her spot. I think it was that I was trying to discover my feelings. I wanted HER (Maisy) to be there so bad, and feeling good again, and still with us. I was almost mad at Little Bit for being there and taking her spot, but yet I wasn’t. I was glad he there. I realize now at the pic, he was actually watching TV with us. We have been watching Northern Exposure from long ago, on a DVD GEorge has. It’s pretty cute. We also started Virgin River. George says it’s a bit like a Hallmark Channel show, but I like it. I’m sure we’ll finish it.
Little Bit tried to sit in my lap eventually since I had on warm flannels, but they were very thin apparently. I had not thought so until he started kneading his claws into them and into my flesh. It was like being massaged by a porcupine. I had to send him packing, lol. Little Bit is enjoying hanging with us more now that Maisy is gone. I think mainly b/c he has room. Maisy never liked any critter being in my lap and getting attention from me, but later on during her stay with us, she lightened up and realized Little Bit, nor Roger, and not even Tugie was a threat to her. She learned that I loved her no matter what. Very quickly. She even tolerated Little Bit’s trying to love on her – to an extent.
So I still cried a few times yesterday. The hardest yesterday was her not being in the living room with us, not being there to take out before bed, not going to bed with us. We went to bed last night at 8:30 as Roger is not sleeping well and wanting to get up about 3 times a night. I hug a 2nd pillow and clutch a warm blanket in my hands to dispel the feeling of grief over her as I drift off to sleep. I did that for the 17 year old poodle too when she left us but I had Maisy to pet and that made Tugie’s death much easier. Tugie was aloof for so long that we were no longer as close. It was a gradual fade of grief over time, while she was alive as I had to witness her decay as she aged. I loved her but I was so emotionally connected at the soul to my Maisy girl, mostly because she adored me so and I was so taken with that. No person or animal has adored me like my Maisy girl has! I’m convinced. Roger is fun to pet but like Tugie was, he’s getting so old now that his comfort is all that matters and he’s in his own world and really only thinking of his necessities for the moment. And I fear, in his final days, weeks, months. I’m not even sure how our trip in January would be for him. But it would be worse if we left him with strangers. And worse for us. So if he is alive, he will go with us. And we’ll do the best we can.
Dreaming of Maisy, in Her New Place
I told God that I needed His help because I was hurting so badly after missing my girl. I went to sleep praying to Him for help. So as I awoke this morning, I had been dreaming. We were at an event. There were lots of people. Nearby, on one side of the event, there was people on the corners selling and trading guns and on other corners pointing and shooting guns at people. I remember going the other direction to where there was peace and happiness and safety. As I did I saw Maisy running loose away from the crowds of people at the event. She looked different but I could tell it was her. I knew her to be my dog and I knew it was Maisy. I yelled for her to come to me. She looked at me and began to reluctantly and slowly come this way, but she was slow to do so as she was distracted by something in the distance. She stopped and fixed her gaze as I called. She tore off into the distance in a run as fast as she could. I yelled “Maisy NO, come back to me”. But she ran into a field of glowing wheat, the same color as she now was. As I squinted to see what she was running to, I saw her be greeted by a beautiful gold dog, the same breed as her with long flowy hair and a beautiful wolf like face, just like her own. Maisy jumped upon the bigger dogs back and a male dog came from the forest behind them and joined them. She was with her own, her pack, her kind….her parents.
As much as I wanted her back within my dream, I realized she was happy, she was free, she could romp and play and be with her Momma and Daddy and her kind. And that she had found much better happiness than I could ever have given her here. When I woke up from the dream, I still heard her voice say, “But I’m still with you Momma I didn’t really leave you- I’m a spirit and I’m able to be here with you in your heart and be able to romp and play too with my family”.
Tears streamed as I crawled out of bed this morning. The dream helped, but I cried tears of relief that she has found her new pack, tears of grief because I still miss her, and tears of joy that God would let me see a peek of her in her new state of being. I’m a mess this morning after that and she is not at my feet here while I blog. But I’m sipping coffee and know that God is in control. It’ll be alright. It may not be alright right now, this minute, but it will be. I know she is safe and happy. I’ve seen her family and her surroundings. I’m good with that. I’m grateful to God for showing me that. I am a lucky one to have known and been a part of this angel of a dog, I named Maisy.
A friend sent this to me to give me a laugh. She said she wanted to show me her Gingerbread House. I know my friend Lisa is pretty crafty so I imagined a beautiful thing sitting on her table that she and the family had likely worked hours on. Yes, given my imagination as to what elaborate craftings my Lisa can do, I laughed.
But yesterday was hard – the first full day after giving up my Maisy girl to peace. Getting out of bed was hard. I did not miss the 4:30 romp outside in the coldness for an outside “business” session, I’ll admit. But she was not at my feet while blogging, not on my shower rug when I stepped out of the shower, not sitting in the hallway waiting for me to flit b/w bedroom and bathroom. She was not in the kitchen for me to say bye to when I left for work. I cried all morning. I cried going to work. I made it fine for the most part all day at work. I take my payroll seriously and of course Maisy was never at my work so that was fairly easy to focus and not remember. But as I left the building to come home, the tears began to fall in big form down my cheeks. I made it to the car and exited the parking lot before I allowed myself the BIG UGLY CRY. I cried until I got to the airport and then I had to concentrate on traffic or I myself would be meeting the maker. There were some traffic snafus keeping me focused on traffic. I prayed to God to help me thru telling Him it hurt so much. I never realized how much it would hurt.
I kept questioning my decision. Did I do the right thing? Should we have tried one more thing? Was I too quick to make the decision? Could she have gotten better? But I always came to the same conclusion – she was a very sick girl and likely not to get any better. She was not a happy camper, miserable, and it was almost inhumane the way we had to get her to take her pills and swallow. Had she been younger she might have been able to pull through. But heart, lungs, digestive system, liver – for the late stages in her life, I felt it was too much. And that is where we were – it was all too much for her. She was there already and not overcoming it.
Looking back she had these periods of malaise but would bounce back. I think her problems began long ago. We just never paid for x-rays or bloodwork because of the expense and she always bounced back so we never really need to. Of course I questionned that too. I wondered had we done that could we have given her meds way back when to have resolved the issues and she’d be with us longer? I don’t know. Regardless, we were trying to be responsible pet owners without paying unnecessary expenses unless it was needed. So yeah, I questioned myself a lot yesterday. But always came back to the same decisions considering how sick and how much was going wrong. Her body was not able to handle things any longer. She was struggling and miserable.
But we get by with a little help from our friends. I read your comments all day long. They were sweet and meant so much to me ya’ll. You have no idea. I thank you so much for your support yesterday.
My friend Lauren from work sent me a sympathy card. It was so sweet of her. For people to stop and comment or send a card or even a thumbs up, heart, like or care button on facebook – meant so much.
I might have also tried to make a little cheer for myself with my snowman and might have got into my secret stash.
And with the afternoon coffee break. By the time I close 3 payrolls I usually get coffee to get through the 4th without eyes crossing, lol. So I looked up long enough to scribble my best hurried pic of Maisy on my coffee cup.
These were Instagram Stories, and they didn’t have a Maisy dog on there so I picked the cutest one I saw.
So let’s talk about Roger. He was having “some issues” when we went to bed Monday night. Vomiting and Diarrhea, repeatedly. I was at my witts end. I could not. I just could not fathom going down a similar road with Roger right now. He’s older than Maisy. But whatever was wrong sorted itself out and he was fine yesterday. He slept a lot and he ate and no more issues.
Quite the blurry pic and dark as well, but I wondered if Roger misses Maisy. No doubt he does. He slept in her spot last night while we watched TV. Maisy was his ears. Sometimes his eyes as he sleeps a lot but stayed tuned to what Maisy was doing. He cannot hear most things. Maisy’s cues told him when we were coming home, when it was time to go out, when it was time to eat, etc.
Roger has been wandering and walking more though. Often dazed and confused. He started this a few weeks ago – walking from room to room. Most of the time I think he’s looking for George. His big eyes greet you when you pass him on these little walks. He seeks your face and watches your hands – (probably to see if we have food).
I know he has looked for her in our bed. And I’m sure he notices she is not there.
So I had a hard time last night when I sat down at my computer at home. Maisy is always quick to be in her spot. She loves my office and being at my feet there under the table. She snoozed good there and was relaxed. As I slid my feet under my desk, the tears fell. No Maisy. I said aloud, “Oh Maisy I miss you so much”. Another ugly cry ensued. Little Bit came into the room, hopped up on my chair, hopped into my lap, stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on my shoulder and leaned into me to give me the biggest and best cat hug and probably the only cat hug, I’ve ever had. I was quite shocked at how human like and deliberate the hug was. I was left thinking “did that really happen?” and that it was a devine hug from God Himself through my cat. I hugged him back. It made me feel better. I was shocked that he knew I was upset and did what he could to ease my pain. Wow.
Today getting up was easier. Was that two ears I see in the moonlight? Naw, it was just George’s feet. What I would have given for Maisy to pop her head up again to see what I was doing. But I must remember it’s better for her this way. If she couldn’t be well then we don’t want a sick and miserable Maisy just for our sakes.
I’ll be washing this pink blanket below. I will be like a 4 year old I guess and have my Maisy blankie, lol. I will put it on the bed and pat it when I miss her, lay it on my office chair and pat it. I’ll at least feel as if I have some piece of her. She laid on that a lot. It was soft. It was Katy’s blanket when she was little. Since she is having a boy, I didn’t sent it for River. I figured River may not like pink.
So yes today was easier, but I’m not sobbin’ in heaps this morning. The word I’m feeling is more “acceptance”. I know it will get easier and I know the grief is not over yet. It’s still so raw. Those loving eyes. Those cute butterfly ears. Her loving heart. Her sweet little body that loved it’s tummy rub. Her little personality. Oh I miss her.
I can’t believe Christmas is coming on so quickly. So I’m trying to focus on my house and finishing up Christmas wrapping and stuff. I just did not have enough joy in me to wrap last night. But I vacuumed and then played a game using up my energy. Not much of a start toward my goals but yet I at least did that. It’s hard to do housework after working all day.
So I’ve not had time to tell you that George is working from home again until further notice. People at his work were having to get tested after being exposed so they told him to work from home.
No word on the party for Saturday. I think it’s still on. I’m still not sure with the percentages of people the virus is impacting, if we should go. I’m leaning no for me. But I know George wants to go. Just the chances of someone having the virus that is there, is likely in today’s numbers. We will have older generations at our house soon so….I’m keeping that in mind.
I better get off and get ready to work. But I DO want to thank you all again for your support yesterday. YOU GOT ME THROUGH THE DAY. I was overwhelmed with your kindness! Love you all!