I am typing almost with a blank mind. The coffee is going down and not doing it’s job yet. As I sit and type I am thinking of thoughts like how I just need to be locked in the house for a week to find rest, escape, and peace from the world and it’s busy, crazy, “gotta be done now” mentality. Life is spinning about me so fast and I. Just. Need. Rest. I am truly exhausted, mentally, physically, and about to be emotionally. So much yells out for my time and attention constantly. So if I write in bullet points this morning, just know I’m doing the best I can.
*Christmas – I have not really had time to work on it anymore. George threw a few ornaments up out of desperation I think on the fly. lol.
*I was so stressed out yesterday after the work day I had that after ironing and doing a few things on my to do list, I decided to claim my “hour of the day” for something fun (since I don’t get the my me time anymore on Tuesday mornings) and worked on the video some before dinner. I think you will like the upcoming one when I grab a few more minutes to finish it.
* The dishwasher install is next Tuesday – payroll day which limits me. I suppose I could change my early day to another day ::sigh:: but one of us needs to go get Mom that morning and bring her over. Nothing is ever easy. If George gets her it’ll be really early. If I get her it’ll still be early but I won’t get to have my early start to closing payroll – if I’m at work by 7:30 or 8 it’ll be ok though. She’s offered to spend the night but for Mom to do that we have to change so much and she has to bring so much – meds, dog food, clothes. And bed’s have already been rearranged. I don’t want to have to redo sheets and all that. It’s just easier and more efficient to go get her before work.
*My TMJ is still going on and it’s a little sore on that side. Yesterday I had shooting pains up in my temple but I think that was from how I slept as it was coming from my neck. I got up and that hit yesterday and I’m like “no way we are not dealing with that today, took a Tylenol and it took the edge off”.
*I think George is tired too. He’s been snappish or frustrated or patronizing with me over nearly everything lately. We are on different planes for sure.
*I have learned I can’t win nor please anyone ever these days so I just have to ignore it and go on. I mean if someone needs something from me ask for it. Or wants me not to do something, ask me not to do it. I might comply or do what you need if I know what it is and it’s a decent request and not selfishly motivated. If one can’t communicate, I surely can’t fix whatever is wrong. I don’t have time to play games or analyze. At this point if it is not face value from someone that has an issue with me then it won’t be faced. Period. Tribe spoke. Yes it did. While I have never been able to read minds, I used to try to guess. Ain’t nobody got time for ‘dat these days. My days of trying to read into things are mostly done, I’d say. It’s either real or forget it. Any passive aggressive manipulation style of behaviors from anyone in my life is quite simply just going to be shoved under the rug along with itself as I tread on about my business. This goes for all relationships – personal or professional. Either spit it out or get over it.
*I keep thinking about what Dad used to say – a person can “get glad the same way they got mad” and “I don’t mind taking my bat and ball and heading home”. As if to say -not my problem, or I can just not play this game, lol. I don’t have time to take on other’s feelings. I can only deal with my own, if that makes sense. There’s no more room at the inn. I’m not easily maneuvered or manipulated any more. And had to stop and do some “learning” on manipulation tactics and gaslighting- not long ago – and narcissist behavior information and all that. It was quite eye opening as to some of the things that I’d allowed to be used on me at various times in my life by various people. I knew kinda what they were doing but wasn’t really sure how to handle it. I think those courses are toughening me up. Because I do matter too! My feelings are just as important as the next guys. They are real and they are worthy. I am worthy. Even if only God thinks so. So letting everything go. I think sometimes people don’t even know they do these things, they have just learned to do them. I probably have too as a way to protect my own self and get what I want. So we each have to be protective of our selves and our feelings so we are not run over by others and allowed to be the people we want to be and thrive in it. I’m not saying be selfish or not do for others, but just not be sucked in to living the life others want you to live, never giving your own life consideration.
*We will be on our trip soon. I will try to blog when I can. We are trying to find someone to feed the cat. Our regular said no as she doesn’t have time. So the little guy is an outside cat and he can hunt but he’s used to us giving him some dry food twice a day and treats. So hopefully we can try to get another neighbor. He won’t starve. We won’t be gone long but yes, one more thing to try to work out. Everything in life is so difficult. Of course anything else I’m asked to do in life right now would be difficult. I’m already filled to overload in life’s plate.
While we eat dinner, we’ve been watching this show. It’s very interesting. Catchy from the very beginning and I like the characters for the most part. I’m missing my Svalbard show though. I will have to catch it on the fly I guess somehow.
Saw this on Instagram and did a screen shot from the Power of Positivity folks. Thank you for that. Love that. I think that describes me often. When you don’t get to be you, and do the things that make you different, and you just are on robotic terms with the world in your functioning, you lose yourself. And that makes one sad and tired. Our uniqueness fades. And so do we and our light and fire burns out. Mine needs rekindling.
Ok I’ll be gone with all the deep stuff today. Gotta go pick Mom up in Lebanon, go to Mount Juliet and do the mammograms, take Mom back to Lebanon, and then me go to work in Nashville.
Only two more days til trip time. Will something spoil it? I’m so afraid to even think about having fun. It seems like we have not deserved to have fun as it’s certainly been kept from us for two years now. I will believe it when I see it. We will see the mountains and even get to eat at a French Restaurant for the first time.
Slow down, my life. Slow down. Let me have an enjoyable day where I’m not having to think of all the things I’ve not yet done or is half done or is waiting for me to do it. ::sigh::
I’ll be ok eventually. I will. Maybe not today. I’m just exhausted. And often the body feels the stresses of situations when it is at the end or almost the end of being over. So I’m going for more coffee and about to hit the road.
See ya, whenever I can get back here.