Yesterday was easier. Certainly not a tear free day by any means, and neither is today, but the acceptance is setting in. My Maisy’s death has certainly ripped a big hole in my heart with only emptiness to fill the void. Really all I can do is try to stay on task. Work is pretty easy but at home I don’t want to do anything but curl up into a ball and be. This is kinda putting a pinch on my Christmas wrapping and Christmas excitement. I’m just kinda numb right now to life. I didn’t realize how much my Maisy and I were intertwined at the heart. She brought me such joy. And my joy is now missing. I will find joy again. But it’s ok to acknowledge how much it hurts right now. Matter of fact I know it is healthy to do that. I am happy that I have the blog and good friends.
I snapped a pic of the sunrise coming over our neighborhood yesterday on the way to work. Was a pretty little sunrise. Most of the drive the sun is to my back but it was comforting in a way – a smile from God yesterday morning. A reminder that the Vitamin D is important this time of year especially. Leave for work when it’s dark and come home and it’s dark.
At lunch, it was in the high 50’s at that time and since I had a sandwich and not a meal that required a microwave, I drove to a cute little shady area of our complex. I watched a YouTube video and ate. It was a nice little much needed break. The sunshine of yesterday meant a lot too.
At least there are odd things here and there distracting me. Such odd things happen at our office complex. I mean for goodness sake, there was that BobCat that came and sat in my window at work not long ago. It’s a magnet of a place for odd things to show up. Right now there are these thousands of birds that show up at 4 p.m. every day, as if waiting for a refilm of Albert Hitchcock’s “The Birds”. But here’s a story for ya:
Last week, I walked to the UPS box to drop off an overnight packet. I heard a voice say “Help me, Help me”. It was distant. I looked around and I didn’t see anyone that needed help. I dropped my packet off in the box and turned to walk back to the office and the voice said “No, don’t go!”
I kept walking. Matter of fact I picked up the pace. It sounded like it was coming from a near RV lot. I thought I hoped someone had not gotten locked inside one and couldn’t get out. I finally settled on the fact that it was probably someone messing with me from a nearby hotel room. The voice didn’t sound urgent after all but had a more playful tone. I decided I was NOT going to investigate. I didn’t want to be a missing person mentioned on the news. Would I qualify for a Silver Alert? lol Probably not yet.
I knew it was not God. I mean after all, if God was yelling for help we are all in trouble.
I also decided that I would not tell my coworkers about it. I realize that I’m an odd, weird, eccentric, creative type and different from most. I am not going into my building and telling my coworkers I’ve just heard voices, LOL LOL LOL! Those clucking, waggin’ tongues and “sure ok’s” would have been running on overdrive.
But yesterday again to the UPS box and dropping off my overnight pack, I hear the voice again. Oh my Gosh I’m thinking – is there someone trapped somewhere? Surely if they had been trapped without food and water somewhere, they would be dead now as it’s been a week since I heard them last time. I was determined to see where this came from. No hotel window was open anywhere, no office window, no one peeking out of an RV window, no one from the nearby tree line that I could see. It sounded like it was coming from up high. I looked up. OH MY GOSH. There was a man on the cell phone tower. I saw him!!! Once I saw him, he quit talking. And he disappeared.
Now this was REALLY getting interesting. Had someone climbed up there and gotten stuck? Was it a worker or someone that was supposed to be up there? Had they been up there for a week? Was someone living up there? I know I saw him. I saw movement and reflections and the shape of a human.
Back at the office I decided to tell a couple of people. One person said “I heard the voice too”. lol. Upon further investigation with a coworker getting in the car and going by there – it was a worker and they were putting in new lines. Later I saw him repel down. The above pic is from my office window zoomed as far in as my iphone would zoom. Here’s a pic for reference.
What a crazy crazy thing. lol Very amusing.
So Last night, Roger became unsettled about 2 a.m. George got up about 3 times with him. He wanted out of bed, wanted water, wanted to go out, then I guess just wanted to roam. At 4 I finally got up, not able to sleep with all that. He actually jumped off the bed by himself and was ok one of the times. I told George I’d get up and fix coffee and he could roam the house. George is catching up right now on a bit of sleep he missed. I’m glad that he does not have to drive into work today. Now Roger is sleeping too at the bed here in my office (home office).
Oh and I meant to say that Roger greeted me when I got home yesterday. I was not expecting that and that warmed my heart. He was happy to see me. He actually followed me around a bit like Maisy did. I wonder if he is missing her too. George has been home with him since he’s working from home so he hasn’t been by himself much since she has been gone. I think he will really miss her too especially when we are out.
Today is my work Friday. I’m so glad. Taking a PTO day tomorrow. I had planned on going out and getting a few things done tomorrow but I think it’s going to be more productive if I start the day early. by wrapping. I am too tired to fool with it by day’s end. I’ve kinda always been that way about wrapping but it’s especially hard since Maisy is gone. I don’t want to do anything at the end of the day but put on jammies and be under my warm blanket. So I will be home tomorrow with the door closed and iTunes playing and get George’s things wrapped so I can see what things are left I need to get. I think it’s stocking stuffers. I will have two other days or after work next week to make the kamikaze shopping trips if needed to finish up. But maybe I can finish it up this weekend with quick trips out. Mainly at the grocery or wine store. I just need a good day at home wrapping more than anything and will figure out the rest. Maybe my spirits will lift by then too so I’ll be better able to do well with my selections.
We have not decided about the Saturday party. Well I’ve kinda decided but not sure George has. I just don’t think it’s safe and wise right now to be going to a gathering. He doesn’t want to make the final decision until Saturday……well ok. I want and need to see our beloved friends but I think it’s just not a good time for it. Every day we have record high numbers. More and more coming down with it having been exposed being around people. It keeps on coming closer and closer. I don’t want Christmas ruined further. (Thinking of how pitiful Thanksgiving was and how my Maisy girl quit eating and is now gone.) But it’s 2020, I know better than to think that Plan A will remain a plan. I gave up trying to plan much. God wins in the end. I know that. But there is nothing I can do to stop all the crazy things going on in our world and impacting our lives until then. In some ways I’m just so far over it I could scream. In others I’m like – yay, let’s just stay home and read and play games, eat, drink, watch Netflix and YouTube, and make videos of us cleaning the house. lol
OK over and out for more coffee. I’m OK guys! Just need to do some devos, and spend time with God and be grateful for what we do have. The grateful wagon is pretty overshadowed by Maisy’s death. But I’m trying. Or trying to try. I’m trying to care about other things in life. But it’s a little hard right now. I am thankful for the little things in each day that have big meaning. And tomorrow’s off day is big right now. I just need it. Losing a dog and having to do life as if nothing happened is not easy. So I’ll get through today and will get to be here and just knock out the wrapping in my PJ’s. If I wanna cry I will. If I wanna smile I will. If I wanna pout I will. I just need a day – or two or three- in jammies! lol.
A friend sent this to me to give me a laugh. She said she wanted to show me her Gingerbread House. I know my friend Lisa is pretty crafty so I imagined a beautiful thing sitting on her table that she and the family had likely worked hours on. Yes, given my imagination as to what elaborate craftings my Lisa can do, I laughed.
But yesterday was hard – the first full day after giving up my Maisy girl to peace. Getting out of bed was hard. I did not miss the 4:30 romp outside in the coldness for an outside “business” session, I’ll admit. But she was not at my feet while blogging, not on my shower rug when I stepped out of the shower, not sitting in the hallway waiting for me to flit b/w bedroom and bathroom. She was not in the kitchen for me to say bye to when I left for work. I cried all morning. I cried going to work. I made it fine for the most part all day at work. I take my payroll seriously and of course Maisy was never at my work so that was fairly easy to focus and not remember. But as I left the building to come home, the tears began to fall in big form down my cheeks. I made it to the car and exited the parking lot before I allowed myself the BIG UGLY CRY. I cried until I got to the airport and then I had to concentrate on traffic or I myself would be meeting the maker. There were some traffic snafus keeping me focused on traffic. I prayed to God to help me thru telling Him it hurt so much. I never realized how much it would hurt.
I kept questioning my decision. Did I do the right thing? Should we have tried one more thing? Was I too quick to make the decision? Could she have gotten better? But I always came to the same conclusion – she was a very sick girl and likely not to get any better. She was not a happy camper, miserable, and it was almost inhumane the way we had to get her to take her pills and swallow. Had she been younger she might have been able to pull through. But heart, lungs, digestive system, liver – for the late stages in her life, I felt it was too much. And that is where we were – it was all too much for her. She was there already and not overcoming it.
Looking back she had these periods of malaise but would bounce back. I think her problems began long ago. We just never paid for x-rays or bloodwork because of the expense and she always bounced back so we never really need to. Of course I questionned that too. I wondered had we done that could we have given her meds way back when to have resolved the issues and she’d be with us longer? I don’t know. Regardless, we were trying to be responsible pet owners without paying unnecessary expenses unless it was needed. So yeah, I questioned myself a lot yesterday. But always came back to the same decisions considering how sick and how much was going wrong. Her body was not able to handle things any longer. She was struggling and miserable.
But we get by with a little help from our friends. I read your comments all day long. They were sweet and meant so much to me ya’ll. You have no idea. I thank you so much for your support yesterday.
My friend Lauren from work sent me a sympathy card. It was so sweet of her. For people to stop and comment or send a card or even a thumbs up, heart, like or care button on facebook – meant so much.
I might have also tried to make a little cheer for myself with my snowman and might have got into my secret stash.
And with the afternoon coffee break. By the time I close 3 payrolls I usually get coffee to get through the 4th without eyes crossing, lol. So I looked up long enough to scribble my best hurried pic of Maisy on my coffee cup.
These were Instagram Stories, and they didn’t have a Maisy dog on there so I picked the cutest one I saw.
So let’s talk about Roger. He was having “some issues” when we went to bed Monday night. Vomiting and Diarrhea, repeatedly. I was at my witts end. I could not. I just could not fathom going down a similar road with Roger right now. He’s older than Maisy. But whatever was wrong sorted itself out and he was fine yesterday. He slept a lot and he ate and no more issues.
Quite the blurry pic and dark as well, but I wondered if Roger misses Maisy. No doubt he does. He slept in her spot last night while we watched TV. Maisy was his ears. Sometimes his eyes as he sleeps a lot but stayed tuned to what Maisy was doing. He cannot hear most things. Maisy’s cues told him when we were coming home, when it was time to go out, when it was time to eat, etc.
Roger has been wandering and walking more though. Often dazed and confused. He started this a few weeks ago – walking from room to room. Most of the time I think he’s looking for George. His big eyes greet you when you pass him on these little walks. He seeks your face and watches your hands – (probably to see if we have food).
I know he has looked for her in our bed. And I’m sure he notices she is not there.
So I had a hard time last night when I sat down at my computer at home. Maisy is always quick to be in her spot. She loves my office and being at my feet there under the table. She snoozed good there and was relaxed. As I slid my feet under my desk, the tears fell. No Maisy. I said aloud, “Oh Maisy I miss you so much”. Another ugly cry ensued. Little Bit came into the room, hopped up on my chair, hopped into my lap, stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on my shoulder and leaned into me to give me the biggest and best cat hug and probably the only cat hug, I’ve ever had. I was quite shocked at how human like and deliberate the hug was. I was left thinking “did that really happen?” and that it was a devine hug from God Himself through my cat. I hugged him back. It made me feel better. I was shocked that he knew I was upset and did what he could to ease my pain. Wow.
Today getting up was easier. Was that two ears I see in the moonlight? Naw, it was just George’s feet. What I would have given for Maisy to pop her head up again to see what I was doing. But I must remember it’s better for her this way. If she couldn’t be well then we don’t want a sick and miserable Maisy just for our sakes.
I’ll be washing this pink blanket below. I will be like a 4 year old I guess and have my Maisy blankie, lol. I will put it on the bed and pat it when I miss her, lay it on my office chair and pat it. I’ll at least feel as if I have some piece of her. She laid on that a lot. It was soft. It was Katy’s blanket when she was little. Since she is having a boy, I didn’t sent it for River. I figured River may not like pink.
So yes today was easier, but I’m not sobbin’ in heaps this morning. The word I’m feeling is more “acceptance”. I know it will get easier and I know the grief is not over yet. It’s still so raw. Those loving eyes. Those cute butterfly ears. Her loving heart. Her sweet little body that loved it’s tummy rub. Her little personality. Oh I miss her.
I can’t believe Christmas is coming on so quickly. So I’m trying to focus on my house and finishing up Christmas wrapping and stuff. I just did not have enough joy in me to wrap last night. But I vacuumed and then played a game using up my energy. Not much of a start toward my goals but yet I at least did that. It’s hard to do housework after working all day.
So I’ve not had time to tell you that George is working from home again until further notice. People at his work were having to get tested after being exposed so they told him to work from home.
No word on the party for Saturday. I think it’s still on. I’m still not sure with the percentages of people the virus is impacting, if we should go. I’m leaning no for me. But I know George wants to go. Just the chances of someone having the virus that is there, is likely in today’s numbers. We will have older generations at our house soon so….I’m keeping that in mind.
I better get off and get ready to work. But I DO want to thank you all again for your support yesterday. YOU GOT ME THROUGH THE DAY. I was overwhelmed with your kindness! Love you all!