Roller Coaster Ride and Deep Disappointment Trying to Adopt a Bonded Pair of Dogs

Jasmin

My heart hurts. We were approved for Jasmin and Casper after going through a roller coaster of maybe we’ll get them, looks like we might not, to we are APPROVED to get them, and pick them up on Saturday to, “oops I’m sorry you don’t have a fence and one of them is a flight risk and so now you can’t have them, sorry. Is there another one you want?”

Casper

I had been warned that adoption agencies would be a roller coaster ride. So I refused to be overly excited until George called me in tears yesterday to let me know they were going to be ours and we get them Saturday. I began to be overjoyed and flooded with relief that our house would be filled with the love of fur babies once more. We have so much love to give them. Our hearts were full yesterday. We began to share and let people know. I was going to wait to post on Facebook because I had some nagging feeling, but if George was this emotional over it then it must be true. So since Mom couldn’t wait to let US share our news first and had already spilled the beans on her page, I went ahead and shared on mine.

We began to make preparations. I would still take Mom to the graduation and George would get the dogs. Our good neighbor across the street offered to go with George to pick them up since there was two to help with the ride home. We decided to go to the Pet Store last night after work and what the heck, we were gonna celebrate and eat Greek out since we were already going to be out. We were going to get their collars and tags and leashes and new pet beds and all the stuff. I rode home with a smile on my face and thanked God for blessing us in this way. I turned the music up and sang along. I pulled in the driveway and into the garage feeling that life was ok once again. That sadness and loss and loneliness would no longer rule in our household. I bounded up the stairs not wanting to wait any more minutes before heading out for our adventure to prepare for our new pups.

George had a funny look on his face.

What?

Well there’s some bad news.

Whattttt? I said desperately. Are they taking this away from us?

George let me read the email which basically said we couldn’t have them because we didn’t have a fence b/c one of them (I think Casper) is a flight risk and might get out the door and won’t use a leash.

So I began to get on Facebook to let everyone know “this is not happening now”.

George said “why don’t you wait” and “be nice about the agency”.

I said “I’m going to be nice…what’s wrong with the truth?”

He said “do what you want”.

So I did and posted that we were not getting them b/c I couldn’t stand to see another congratulations come through. My heart was breaking.

So I thought we would look to see if there was another one we might want. George had already said there wasn’t any he was interested in. So that was that. Only George was upset with me for getting on Facebook and posting we would not be getting them. And accused me of basically being selfish and having to have my own way and not doing it his way. I didn’t think I had done anything but be honest. But it wasn’t done his way so he was upset with me. Maybe I might be thinking the same thoughts about his wanting his way. He refused to sit down with me and have a look on other pets. I needed to do that to be consoled. But it was not to be. We argued instead of comforting one another. I suppose his disappointment coupled with mine was just too much to bare. We couldn’t even stand to see each other’s disappointment. I felt like he was punishing me for posting on Facebook. He says he was not but he had said since I couldn’t wait to post on Facebook that he couldn’t wait to send the email to the agency about “the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away” and how disappointed he was that it was like grieving our past dogs death all over again.

I felt horrible last night. Like I needed to grab for something, someone and no one was there. It was one of the more lonely nights I’ve had in a while. I doubted everyone and everything. Including God for a while. After we both prayed so hard for dogs to come in our life, why would He allow our hearts to be strung along like this? Why would He allow us to go through this hurt? I decided I would trust in God. I’m sure He has his reasons. There was no one to know just how badly I was hurt last night – first by the agency, and then by surprisingly by George who was so sensitive about everything I said and every move I made. I even wondered how strong my marriage really was if we cannot support each other in something like this. I even wondered if God was trying to point that out to me. There wasn’t anything that I had faith in last night, even feeling God had turned His back on me. I did not feel His spirit encircling.

In all my training I’ve been through lately on taking care of yourself – I knew that I could not let the events of the evening rattle my soul and so as hard it was I knew I had to “self soothe” as no one was going to be there to soothe me otherwise. I knew I was to be on liquids all day today as the colonoscopy is tomorrow. So I knew I need to eat a protein and hearty filled dinner even though my first instinct was to eat nothing and go to bed. So I decided to go and get something to eat. I asked George if he wanted anything. He was on the couch watching a show. He said “he was good” (didn’t want anything). So I went to a hibachi drive through. I had wanted steak but was too red faced and watery eyed to go inside anywhere and pretend I was normal. But the hibachi drive through is great food and so I got steak, veggies and rice and that awesome orange sauce you dip your veggies in. I ate in the Publix parking lot. I really didn’t want to come home but I didn’t know what else to do. I watched a YouTube show about self soothing lol. It really didn’t do any good. I was too disappointed. It said to hug a pillow, lol.

Anyway I went home and George was already in bed asleep and snoring. Good for him. I’m glad he could sleep. I could not. Not for a long while. I could not stand to see these two dogs faces last night. Although I’m ok today. I had loved them in my heart already. There is some part of me that hopes it is really not over, that they will come around and let us have them. But I am fearful to hope. I don’t know the reasons why life on this earth is so complicated. I do a post one day about how I want to live a long life and experience life. But then life turns around and slaps you down. We live in a war zone, a divisive nation, selfish people all around, love never seeming to stay in one place long, and it’s so lonely. Why on earth would one want to live long in a place like this? For daughter and grandson I suppose or anyone else that might reach out to care for me at this point in life?

Ahhhh well, what’s the point? I suppose there is a flicker of light, of hope, and that God will come through for us after all one day. I had planned a wonderful day off today to get some rest and have some joy and do light things that have been on the list for some time. It’s ironic that everything we try to do is to be turned over and around. So I’m trying to fight through these feelings of hurt, disappointment, loneliness, despair and have a good day somehow as I churn through these liquids all day.

I will not be posting again until after the colonoscopy is finished, which will be sometime tomorrow, likely after lunch. And if I feel apt to it. I will do today all the things I said I would. I’ve been wanting time and here it is. Even though I feel like getting under the covers and forgetting life for the day, I’m going to work on my “list” and perhaps at some point we can manage to see some success at at least some of the things we try to do in life.

I’m going to try to do the cable work today and look for a dog today and do some photography/video work on Canon, work on my video, work toward this year’s goals, light housework, reading, puzzling and guzzling broth, jello, gatorade, etc. I’ll figure out where I want lunch from tomorrow. And then tomorrow I’ll rest a while if needed, watch a few shows and do more of the same as I feel like it. And I will try to get over what happened yesterday about the dog disappointment and events afterward. It’d been a long time since I’ve experienced such elation and disappointment extremes in one day. I’m not sure I can do that again. But for the right dog(s), I’ll be willing to try. Pray for us because this really hurt.

Hermitage Natchez Hills Wines | Yard Sale Finds | Weekly Update | Contentment

As mentioned in a previous entry, we did the wine tasting at the Hermitage and really enjoyed it. I liked the wine very much. And was shocked to learn they had an “iced tea wine”. George had his favorites and I had mine and so we bought enough to get “their deal”. You buy so many you get 15% off. So we treated ourselves.

We also went to a few yard sales last Saturday. There were not many with it being Mother’s Day Weekend. But there were a few. I have become to love adding flowers to a room for decor. I needed a couple of big vases that would hide the bottom of stems (most of mine are see through). I bought these with the idea of spray painting them. (Like I have time for any more creative projects). Currently they are in the basement “waiting their turn”. If I can get them to a neutral color, I can use them in various places in the house. And I can sign up for Hobby Lobby emails again and be able to find out when their flowers are 50% off.

A friend (Lisa J) from work brought cookies and left them on my desk. A little Momma’s day treat. So sweet. I shared with my next door office neighbor, Deb.

My Mother’s Day card came in Monday. It was worth the wait. It was a special constructed Momma’s day card.

The gift itself came yesterday. A pic of Little Roo.

I love this photo but everyone is going to tease him one day for being just like Cody and George. They love to sneak something into the photo without being totally obvious – a subtle little birdie or in George’s case sometimes a purposeful glimpse of his belly button. lol. If you see it in the pic let me know. Yes they will tease him about it one day. That makes the pic even more perfect. lol lol But I love that pic of him by the planter. I love him in his little khakis and plaid shirt and bare feet!

A “Peace Offering” Cookie.

There’s a “Mexican” bakery close to work. I’ll go there someday. I saw where it was while driving around in the area. But someone brought me one this week. But this week another department had some “issues” that caused payroll to be half day behind as I was told not to close payroll yet til they were ironed out. I stayed over a bit and then had to focus to rush through Wed and Thurs to catch up. I didn’t get many of my extra projects worked on this week because it took away some of my week. To make matters worse, no one told me when the “issues” were fixed so I waited three extra hours to start payroll. I could have gone after about 2 hours of waiting if I had known. And when I checked three times I was told it was not finished. (Yes, It was confusing and miscommunication as life often is. You know when several are involved.) Anyway the department felt bad and brought peace offering cookies, which was so nice of them to do. I was so impressed. Often in this day and time no one cares when someone makes you work harder and longer because of an issue. So it was nice to see that there are people that care or recognize it when they make your life more difficult and didn’t mean to. So Thank You Lord for that. There is a bite missing. I took a bite before taking the picture. No harm. No foul. At least we made the upload/deadline for the deposit.

Night Out with Mom

One night I took Mom out to Cracker Barrel. I don’t think she felt too good. She seemed a bit agitated and unhappy. They set us at a 2- seater table and she brought it up 4 times before our order that she was not happy sitting there. I get it. I prefer a 4 seater also so you have more elbow room. Neither of us is a small person, lol. I asked the waitress to move us but Mom refused. Thankfully she didn’t go on about it after that. I think I would have moved and ate by myself if she had, lol. I either wanted us to move or get over it. And she fussed about the purse she has and how small it was. She can’t ever find anything in her purse and when something comes out it won’t go back in and that was making her mad. She cursed loudly at it. I felt sad for her that she was having such an unhappy day. I often have those days when I don’t feel good or upset about something else and I’m just impatient with the world. Patience has never been her strong suit. So if you wonder where I get THAT. There ya go! It’s not been mine! So let’s talk about that!

Patience, Emotions, Guilt, Manipulation, Contentment – We are all a work in progress.

I’ve had to work really hard on this thorn in my side of not being patient. I can’t say that I’ve mastered patience, but I can say that I am better at it and that I am learning to “self parent” myself (lol, don’t you love that psychological term?) when something doesn’t go my way or suit me. I’ve had to learn how to better handle my emotions in my adult life. In the early days (20’s and 30’s and even 40’s), I just said “it’s me – it’s who I am – I want what I want and when I want it – I’m just driven – so get over it”. But that attitude is just kinda selfish, childish, and not very loving or considerate of others. So I’ve tried so hard to be better at reacting. I’m not perfect but I’m better. And I no longer desire to lay claim proudly with that type of reaction or behavior. I admit to not having patience at times but I’m no longer proud of it or claim it as a character trait that others must live with. I’ve learned to “self soothe” as the psychologists/psychiatrist calls it. And that has been a big learning curve to try and find contentment within yourself and soothe your own spirit. A lot goes into it. It’s a lot of work to try not to be narcissistic when your pattern is cut out for you to be. :-O I have decided that recognizing those patterns within yourself is over half of the problem. Because only then can you begin to be honest with yourself and be humble and ashamed of that kind of behavior and let go of the ego and start again to trying to be a better person. Believe me, Iiiiiiiiiii know.

OOOOPS! Anyway, I got off subject, lol. I offered to take Mom to a store nearby to find a purse but she said she would go on line or get Aunt Martha and Uncle Ken to take her when they got up here. She had not asked me to take her to Belk so I will not be made to feel guilty over that – that is another thing I’m learning is not to be made to feel guilty for things that are out of my control. While this manipulation tactic has worked on me before I’m learning to let go of that as I am learning how to be aware of various people’s manipulation tactics – intended or not. Sometimes I think people are so engrained at manipulating others they don’t even know they are doing it. I’m sure I do it myself. We probably all do to a degree at whatever has worked in the past. I expect for others to let me know if they need something from me as it’s not my job to determine what others are wanting or thinking. Mom may not have been manipulating me in this way – only she can answer that, but whether or not she was- I am the one that has allowed myself to feel guilty in the past as if I had done something wrong. Even then, you see – I immediately offered to take her to get a purse. I’ve been trained in that way to respond to negative behavior – after I saw her curse at the purse. I wanted her world to be right. Even though we all know the purse is one thing. And tomorrow it’ll be another item. I’ve been the same way. So I’m still in a work in progress too. lol. I almost think Mom is happier when George is with us. He must lift her mood. With me she seems more agitated. Or perhaps she is more comfortable and lets her guard down and allows herself to me more agitated with me. Sometimes I feel like I’m just the no count daughter that can’t do anything to please, other than provide gossip worthy adventures, so… Who knows. At least I’m the daughter still around. The other one said she couldn’t handle it and took off. lol

I hate she didn’t seem to have a good time although she thanked me and said she did. And I appreciated that. I tried to make her happy by getting her out of the house. I can’t make people be content though. And I can’t be held responsible for anyone else’s happiness. As I know toooooo well, contentment has to come from within. Other people can’t fix everything for you. There is nothing anyone else can do. An individual just has to learn to find their own contentment with their circumstances. I have had to do this for a while for things that turned out a lot different than I had expected or wanted. Often my own desires and plans in life have been squashed. I can accept it and go on. Or I can wallow in misery. Or I can decide to change the situation. It’s my choice. And I’ve made my decisions. Subject to change again if I decide. But on the way back from Mom’s God gave me the most awesome sunset to watch as I drove home. It’s as if He was consoling me from the work week and life’s snotty little trials. Or was it me just settling in with my own contentment at going home, finding silence and peace, and going to bed?

George stayed home this night to work on a few projects music wise. He is doing some recording with the device/equipment I got him for Christmas finally. And it’s yard work season so that takes up some time on other nights. Mom takes up some time during the week and on weekends some. And he cooks which he loves to do. But…..I’m also trying to give him a break too by doing some cooking here and there. I just don’t have time either, lol. My problem is that I get in the store and don’t have recipes with me, don’t want to take time to find them in the store, and have tried to get organized with this for some time and it just gets pushed to the bottom of the list. So….a friend at work gave me a “free box” invite from HELLO FRESH. So…..

Hello Fresh

So George and I got on last night and I ordered the 3 meal plan with Hello Fresh. We got a “free box” and it will come every week all with fresh ingredients. You can skip weeks if you need to. But often I don’t get to the store but every two weeks and we take Mom and it’s hard to get my own groceries bought. But this will help. I’m excited. I don’t have to pick a recipe other than getting on line each week and making a choice. I set up the app on my phone and have the alerts come when it’s time to pick the next week. You can add on breakfast and lunch items too. Even like granola bars, oatmeal. And the price is about what I’d spend at the store. So it’ll come in and I’ll be able to fix these quickly with the ingredients and recipes already gathered.

I am excited to try it. My friend says it’s worked well for them. They spend less because instead of having to buy a whole thing of bread for example or buns – you pay for just the ingredients you need and a whole bag of buns or the cost of it doesn’t go to waste if you don’t have time to eat them. That makes sense. I will let you know how it goes.

We also began looking at pet finding apps and websites. I’m not sure we will qualify as some of them are very self righteous as George calls it about their pets. Did we forget a year to do the rabies shot? Do we have a fenced in yard? Did we faithfully do heart worm meds? Do we work and out of the home a lot? George said not to get my hopes up. I already wasn’t. I know God will allow us to have the dogs(s) – yes two of them – when the time is right and the dogs are right. He does that and I’m praying every day so I will not fret over it. I’ll patiently wait. But it was this dog that got me started. When I started. Then George got started. He’s inquired about a set of dogs that are bonded. But this one is the one that got me started as I inquired about her. But I’ve yet to go in and finish the sign up as it required an application before they will talk to you. I needed to get references. So I’ve got permission from non-relatives mainly friends and neighbors (required not to be a relative) to give their address and phone so we can try to get a dog. I was not going to blindly do that w/o their permission. It seemed wrong. So I’ve not finished signing up on line (no time). But the reference information has been obtained at least through some phone work. Monkey gets extremely car sick but I’ve inquired. No response. Other than an email to do the next step by completing an application. (Insert eye roll here). So we will “play their game” for a while and try to find dogs their way, if not we will try something else – visit shelters and find a more personable way of doing business that works for us. But hey – at least we are getting started! George said he could go a while without a dog but when he retires he’ll want one. But he is also good with getting one now. I’m ready now. But letting God decide. If not us, I hope Monkey finds a perfect home for her. And I appreciate her getting us started so she deserves special mention. That sweet face. I want a dog with a sweet face. I love you Monkey. For getting us going. ;-). I wish you could be mine.

I’m sorry my blog is all over the place. My head is all over the place as usual. I have more to say but I’ll wait til tomorrow I suppose. Tomorrow I’ll say what all the week next week will bring.

Today we are going on an excursion and seeing friends and eating out and doing a bit of shopping in between, and another wine tasting. I’m not getting many groceries due to the Hello Fresh. But we do need a few things. I like to see what Whole Foods has. But we need some condiments and basic things – like coffee, peanut butter, snack items, and such.

Ahhhhhh. I have so many things I want to do this weekend but we are gone today and half of tomorrow. It’s ok. We are having to force ourselves out and have fun. Although we may discuss maybe doing it once a month instead of three. lol. I can’t keep up with ourselves. LOL LOL. My blog can’t keep up with our adventures either now. LOL LOL So…More tomorrow.

Losing another Family Dog | A Tribute to Findlay

I’m sorry to say that Ms. Findlay (my grand dog) did not make it. She had a blockage in her intestines. They did surgery. Her bloodwork wasn’t good so they did a plasma transfusion (?) and that did not work and they went back in for a 2nd look and found 8 inches of infection in and around her intestines and put her down because her survival rate was next to nothing. Bottom line, she just couldn’t heal properly from this. Everyone is a bit devastated. They didn’t get to have proper good byes or be with her like you usually do. No one knew it was going to be this serious. Everyone prayed. God had other plans. My daughter recognizes that and knows God knows what He is doing and knows the reasons why. It’s been a hard year for dogs in our extended family. It’s been a hard year for everyone in many different ways. As my daughter and I talked yesterday she said “God is building character within us”. “The end times are getting closer” and basically the heat is being turned on so that the focus is applied where it needs to be.

Our hearts hurt however, at the loss of our very unique and loving little Findlay. Dogs have such personality, each one. Findlay was playful, loving, funny, and sometimes had us scratching our heads as she loved her dog beds just a little too much, lol (she humped them, lol). She loved to chew on things including her beds. She wanted the stuffing out of them. She was curious. She was smart. She was energetic. She was mostly potty trained and would run around in circles in front of you to let you know she needed to go out. She was mostly obedient. But most of all she LOVED Little Roo. She was a good little girl and learned to say she was sorry when she made a mistake (Katy taught her, lol). The kids (they’ll always be our kids) will be sad and hurting for a few days. The pain will get better. The fond memories will remain. But they will miss her. And we will too as she will not be there to greet us when we arrive in Texas in November.

I’m asking my blog buddies to leave comments in today’s entry for Katy and Cody to give them love and encouragement after the loss of their little sweet Findlay girl. It’ll be a hard few days. But it will help them so much to hear your words of comfort.

I tried to find the video where Findlay was chasing bubbles and Little Roo was laughing. I could not locate it. But our thoughts are with them today and we will all miss our little Findlay. She has been a great pet. I’m glad Little Roo got to meet her but he probably won’t remember her when he grows up. He’s just too little.

Thanks in advance for any comments and encouragement you can leave for my daughter and son-in-law and Little Roo. I appreciate you and I know they do too.

Bye my little Findlay girl. You rest within our hearts always. Give my love to Roger, Maisy, Tugie, and all our little fur baby friends when you see them in God’s “Rainbow Bridge”. And thanks for being the wonderful little being that you were!