Grieving Over My Dog, Day 1

A friend sent this to me to give me a laugh. She said she wanted to show me her Gingerbread House. I know my friend Lisa is pretty crafty so I imagined a beautiful thing sitting on her table that she and the family had likely worked hours on. Yes, given my imagination as to what elaborate craftings my Lisa can do, I laughed.

But yesterday was hard – the first full day after giving up my Maisy girl to peace. Getting out of bed was hard. I did not miss the 4:30 romp outside in the coldness for an outside “business” session, I’ll admit. But she was not at my feet while blogging, not on my shower rug when I stepped out of the shower, not sitting in the hallway waiting for me to flit b/w bedroom and bathroom. She was not in the kitchen for me to say bye to when I left for work. I cried all morning. I cried going to work. I made it fine for the most part all day at work. I take my payroll seriously and of course Maisy was never at my work so that was fairly easy to focus and not remember. But as I left the building to come home, the tears began to fall in big form down my cheeks. I made it to the car and exited the parking lot before I allowed myself the BIG UGLY CRY. I cried until I got to the airport and then I had to concentrate on traffic or I myself would be meeting the maker. There were some traffic snafus keeping me focused on traffic. I prayed to God to help me thru telling Him it hurt so much. I never realized how much it would hurt.

I kept questioning my decision. Did I do the right thing? Should we have tried one more thing? Was I too quick to make the decision? Could she have gotten better? But I always came to the same conclusion – she was a very sick girl and likely not to get any better. She was not a happy camper, miserable, and it was almost inhumane the way we had to get her to take her pills and swallow. Had she been younger she might have been able to pull through. But heart, lungs, digestive system, liver – for the late stages in her life, I felt it was too much. And that is where we were – it was all too much for her. She was there already and not overcoming it.

Looking back she had these periods of malaise but would bounce back. I think her problems began long ago. We just never paid for x-rays or bloodwork because of the expense and she always bounced back so we never really need to. Of course I questionned that too. I wondered had we done that could we have given her meds way back when to have resolved the issues and she’d be with us longer? I don’t know. Regardless, we were trying to be responsible pet owners without paying unnecessary expenses unless it was needed. So yeah, I questioned myself a lot yesterday. But always came back to the same decisions considering how sick and how much was going wrong. Her body was not able to handle things any longer. She was struggling and miserable.

View Post

But we get by with a little help from our friends. I read your comments all day long. They were sweet and meant so much to me ya’ll. You have no idea. I thank you so much for your support yesterday.

My friend Lauren from work sent me a sympathy card. It was so sweet of her. For people to stop and comment or send a card or even a thumbs up, heart, like or care button on facebook – meant so much.

I might have also tried to make a little cheer for myself with my snowman and might have got into my secret stash.

And with the afternoon coffee break. By the time I close 3 payrolls I usually get coffee to get through the 4th without eyes crossing, lol. So I looked up long enough to scribble my best hurried pic of Maisy on my coffee cup.

These were Instagram Stories, and they didn’t have a Maisy dog on there so I picked the cutest one I saw.

So let’s talk about Roger. He was having “some issues” when we went to bed Monday night. Vomiting and Diarrhea, repeatedly. I was at my witts end. I could not. I just could not fathom going down a similar road with Roger right now. He’s older than Maisy. But whatever was wrong sorted itself out and he was fine yesterday. He slept a lot and he ate and no more issues.

Quite the blurry pic and dark as well, but I wondered if Roger misses Maisy. No doubt he does. He slept in her spot last night while we watched TV. Maisy was his ears. Sometimes his eyes as he sleeps a lot but stayed tuned to what Maisy was doing. He cannot hear most things. Maisy’s cues told him when we were coming home, when it was time to go out, when it was time to eat, etc.

Roger has been wandering and walking more though. Often dazed and confused. He started this a few weeks ago – walking from room to room. Most of the time I think he’s looking for George. His big eyes greet you when you pass him on these little walks. He seeks your face and watches your hands – (probably to see if we have food).

I know he has looked for her in our bed. And I’m sure he notices she is not there.

So I had a hard time last night when I sat down at my computer at home. Maisy is always quick to be in her spot. She loves my office and being at my feet there under the table. She snoozed good there and was relaxed. As I slid my feet under my desk, the tears fell. No Maisy. I said aloud, “Oh Maisy I miss you so much”. Another ugly cry ensued. Little Bit came into the room, hopped up on my chair, hopped into my lap, stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on my shoulder and leaned into me to give me the biggest and best cat hug and probably the only cat hug, I’ve ever had. I was quite shocked at how human like and deliberate the hug was. I was left thinking “did that really happen?” and that it was a devine hug from God Himself through my cat. I hugged him back. It made me feel better. I was shocked that he knew I was upset and did what he could to ease my pain. Wow.

Today getting up was easier. Was that two ears I see in the moonlight? Naw, it was just George’s feet. What I would have given for Maisy to pop her head up again to see what I was doing. But I must remember it’s better for her this way. If she couldn’t be well then we don’t want a sick and miserable Maisy just for our sakes.

I’ll be washing this pink blanket below. I will be like a 4 year old I guess and have my Maisy blankie, lol. I will put it on the bed and pat it when I miss her, lay it on my office chair and pat it. I’ll at least feel as if I have some piece of her. She laid on that a lot. It was soft. It was Katy’s blanket when she was little. Since she is having a boy, I didn’t sent it for River. I figured River may not like pink.

So yes today was easier, but I’m not sobbin’ in heaps this morning. The word I’m feeling is more “acceptance”. I know it will get easier and I know the grief is not over yet. It’s still so raw. Those loving eyes. Those cute butterfly ears. Her loving heart. Her sweet little body that loved it’s tummy rub. Her little personality. Oh I miss her.

I can’t believe Christmas is coming on so quickly. So I’m trying to focus on my house and finishing up Christmas wrapping and stuff. I just did not have enough joy in me to wrap last night. But I vacuumed and then played a game using up my energy. Not much of a start toward my goals but yet I at least did that. It’s hard to do housework after working all day.

So I’ve not had time to tell you that George is working from home again until further notice. People at his work were having to get tested after being exposed so they told him to work from home.

No word on the party for Saturday. I think it’s still on. I’m still not sure with the percentages of people the virus is impacting, if we should go. I’m leaning no for me. But I know George wants to go. Just the chances of someone having the virus that is there, is likely in today’s numbers. We will have older generations at our house soon so….I’m keeping that in mind.

I better get off and get ready to work. But I DO want to thank you all again for your support yesterday. YOU GOT ME THROUGH THE DAY. I was overwhelmed with your kindness! Love you all!

Tropic Storm, 16 Hour Fasting Technique, and Hacksaw Ridge Review

Good morning! Yesterday I set the desktop to fall photos with animals. It’s a desktop theme on microsoft. It reminded me of Cody and Katy and of course the deer in our yard. There are lots of new themes on there and I’m looking forward to finding a Thanksgiving one next week.

We had a lot of rain that threatened our area yesterday and it decided to unleash about the time I got off from work. I just took it slow, hugged the right lane and was thankful that most everyone else took it slow. It was very heavy rain. I could still see but ponding on the roads in Nashville area can be a big issue during these heavy rains. Flash flood warnings were out.

I was able to do the 16 hour window of “daily fasting” yesterday, in which I ate in an 8 hour window. It basically cut out a meal and instead I had two meals and a 140 calorie snack in between of protein. I drank my cleanse drink and put the Ionix stress formula in it with lots of ice and water. It kept me til lunch. I was busy and able to not notice any hunger pains but I had eaten a lot the night before (as we usually do).

I tried this Tuna Infusions yesterday. Oh my it was good. It’s by Chicken of the Sea. I had to look three or four times to make sure it wasn’t cat food. LOL

I may never buy regular tuna again! lol. Oh I will but this was good. It came with a fork and was easy to eat at my desk and totally worked for a snack. Requires mint chewing gum afterwards! Wearing a mask after tuna is no good, not to mention what ones coworkers may think when they are around. George won’t take tuna to work. But I do. Tuna rocks. I just got tired of eating it every week. I think that is what has happened to me. I got in a cycle of eating the same foods over and over and just flat got tired of it. I never DID get used to doing shakes every day during winter. I have some of it left in the big containers waiting to either drink it or expire so I can get the ones in the smaller containers. I just think something happens to the ingredients in the big containers that make them taste bad after it’s been open a while – even before it expires. But the ones in the little packets hold their “composure”. I haven’t ordered any more shakes lately though and I’m about ready to. I miss the chocolate ones. I just can’t stomach the big ones anymore. I had one or two that didn’t taste right and it’s hard to bring myself around. I guess I will toss them as they are taking up space but I feel guilty. They were expensive except the ones that I got for free. They sure do a good job though of getting the nutrients in. I can be achy from old age and drink that it is like medicine. I’ve just learned I have to get them in the packets. I will order more shakes next month. I have some vanilla’s left in packets.

Little Bit likes hanging outside as that is where he loves to be – either on our porch or out in the woods. I’m sure he probably visits neighbors. So far no one has complained. If they did not sure what we would do. He’s sortof a stray cat that we just brought home to this area so we could feed him. But we claim him as ours. He has to be about 11 years old or so. But yesterday he was just a fussing over the rain and wanted to hang inside. He tried to go back out a couple of times and ran back in, LOL. I fixed his bed up in the guest bed and put the quilt down in his favorite spot so he wouldn’t get on the comforter.

I tried to get a good pic of Roger’s little drowned rat look but he kept moving. I wasn’t going to use them but why not? It tells the story of what happened really well. Never mind my ratty floors. They will be gone soon and a pretty replacement. It hardly seems real. I will be so excited. Have to wait til after the baby is born and we will likely have to take off a day or two of work.

George fixed dinner and I wrapped gifts for Friday’s “shower” with no people. lol. I think there will be a table for the father to be and a bride to be. We had lessons of “No more sharing of food you guys. You cannot cook for each other and share food during the pandemic”. We had some sweet folks to pass out some things in recent days out of the kindness of their hearts. It was yum. I survived. It’s this kind of thing that is hard when you want to share and can’t. This virus is the perfect devil-created thing to keep people from being close. However, as we know, God takes things and turns it around for good. I’m not sure how yet, but I know He does. For me, it gave me time to learn iMovies! And of course if we want to commune at work, we just go out for lunch to do it. We have done more of that I guess than we normally did. So that is good. It’s about time too for another excursion out. Maybe after quarter end though. I’m sure I’ll finish with that next week, I hope. It should be finished this week but I didn’t get the information in time to even dream of being able to get it done this week. There were a lot of issues that had to be fixed, found, and adjusted first. That’s ok. I am trying to rush it through as quick as I can. It’s going pretty fast. But today is the 29th and it is supposed to be finished by tomorrow. It won’t be. Most things are not requiring much $ to be paid for unemployment so not much interest or fines, and that is what we would be trying to avoid.

We saw Hacksaw Ridge last night. I’d been putting it off as I figured it’d be hard to watch. And it was. It was very graphic, very real. I had to look away a number of times. We both cried. I knew that it was based on a real story and I knew without a doubt that it depicted what really happened at the Battle of Okinawa It was hard to watch, and as I said, I had to look away. I could not bare to see human life go through such. But the character of Desmond Doss played by Andrew Garfield was excellent. I enjoyed seeing Vince Vaughn as the sergeant and Rachel Griffith’s as the Mom (also played in Six Feet Under, and we had to figure that out.) The movie was excellent. The effects were excellent. But it was very intense and I had to delete messages on my phone for about 20 minutes as I looked down. I could not watch the graphic scenes. But it gives you a deeper appreciation for those that gave their lives. I think everyone should have to sit in the room with this one at least just to give respect for those that had to endure this and other wars protecting our rights. And here people go across our country trying to tear down what they protected. It’s insane the selfishness that is taking place right now across our country. People are standing for things they don’t realize they are standing for. They are being deceived.

“RATED R for intense prolonged realistically graphic sequences of war violence including grisly bloody images.”

And Little Bit watched it with us. Much of it in my lap. Do you know how much I loved this? I miss my lap cats and my lap dog. Maisy tried, but just couldn’t stay. She wants to watch me from a few feet away. She’s learned not to be jealous. For the most part. Bless her.

Maisy is on the floor behind me and Little Bit is so black you can’t see his face hardly, lol.

I just loved having him there in my lap.

I think he liked being there in my lap. Look at his back legs crossed like a human, lol. How many pics of a black cat in my lap did you really want to see? I had to share them all at every angle! That is how much I loved him being there. He seemed pretty happy too.

Sunsets and Small Talk on a Friday Morning over Coffee

I forgot my big drink mug one day this week and went to the break room and found a Ziploc container for leftovers. It seemed the perfect size to be able to make and shake my greens in. It looks horrid huh? But it tastes great. Might have some more of that this morning. Either that or the fruits.

I wanted to experiment with time lapse so I set the phone over in the office window for the morning thinking I might catch some good storm clouds. I really didn’t have a good set up as you could see the reflection of my cell phone but it turned out kinda neat actually. I didn’t have a tripod with me – I mean gosh I’m at work so no time to be taking shots, but all I did was set in the window on my iphone and do a time lapse. I made sure it didn’t have sound so no conversations recorded. I like the fact that WordPress has made it easy to add a video on here. I don’t have to put on YouTube or Vimeo first. I can upload from my photos as is. I love the clouds and I love watching them on time lapse. This was just for fun, but certainly could have been better staged.

Last night’s sunset was amazing. I should have grabbed my new camera but I didn’t want to miss the shot trying to fiddle with it. So the iphone was ready to go. Look at the colors. What really caught my attention was the color of blue sky intermingled within at times as the clouds moved.

I had company as Little Bit likes it when I sit on the porch and watch the sunset. You can even see the pink glow of the sunset on the porch in this pic.

I didn’t do anything to the photograph. It was a beautiful evening. And I’m just so surprised that I’ve not noticed the beautiful sunsets before this season of COVID. I guess we were always too busy to notice. So take THAT COVID-19. You did something besides messing everyone’s life up, which is your goal I believe.

We watched a movie last night and I had to laugh at the dogs watching with us for a while. Until they started watching me.

They are waiting for me to go to bed. They get to go out, get a treat, and snuggle. They await this nightly routine and look for signals of that part of the night to begin.

I began listening to this audio book today. I enjoy having a foodie type book to listen to, a sailing adventure, and a spiritual audio book. If you are on the computer version you can see my current selections. I need to finish We are the Russo’s but it’s on the iPad and I have to read it instead of listen. I rarely get actual reading time. I have too many hobbies. But I do want to have one reading night a week if we can tear away from the Netflix. I’ve heard this COOKED was a really good book that will change the way you look at food and food prep and that it will teach you a lot. I heard that on Eat This Not That.

Oh, and I have been trying to decide about some of my clothes. Since the Pandemic, I look at some of my Lula Roe tops and how crazy the designs are and I think “I don’t like those anymore”. I wondered if the styles were going more solids, and I was just noticing it in my subpsyche. So I checked out VOGUE. What better place for style. Although I figured it would be women having clown suits on with hair standing straight up as if it were starched rain. Yeah maybe there was some of that, but I found that pretty much anything goes for 2020 – stripes, polka dots, designs, jeans, dresses, short or long skirts, dresses, or pants. Big designs or little dainty designs, or solids. Layering was big. Big purses, little purses. Holes in the jeans or not. But mostly what I found was that they were showing pics of everyone from home doing their “stay at home” stuff. Check it out if you have time, it was fun. I’m having trouble all of a sudden adding a link so it may not work. I’m not sure why they have to change things around and make simple things difficult. lol

VOGUE: POSTCARDS FROM HOME

And if the link doesn’t work, just google VOGUE and go to their Postcards from Home section from their main page.

I have to go get ready and get to work. But the main thing we need to know today is that it is Friday. Yay. Then I can do all those things I’ve waited 2 weeks to do – that is 1/2 a month! Time. It’s just nice to have some time.

Any plans for the weekend yourself?