My heart hurts. We were approved for Jasmin and Casper after going through a roller coaster of maybe we’ll get them, looks like we might not, to we are APPROVED to get them, and pick them up on Saturday to, “oops I’m sorry you don’t have a fence and one of them is a flight risk and so now you can’t have them, sorry. Is there another one you want?”

I had been warned that adoption agencies would be a roller coaster ride. So I refused to be overly excited until George called me in tears yesterday to let me know they were going to be ours and we get them Saturday. I began to be overjoyed and flooded with relief that our house would be filled with the love of fur babies once more. We have so much love to give them. Our hearts were full yesterday. We began to share and let people know. I was going to wait to post on Facebook because I had some nagging feeling, but if George was this emotional over it then it must be true. So since Mom couldn’t wait to let US share our news first and had already spilled the beans on her page, I went ahead and shared on mine.

We began to make preparations. I would still take Mom to the graduation and George would get the dogs. Our good neighbor across the street offered to go with George to pick them up since there was two to help with the ride home. We decided to go to the Pet Store last night after work and what the heck, we were gonna celebrate and eat Greek out since we were already going to be out. We were going to get their collars and tags and leashes and new pet beds and all the stuff. I rode home with a smile on my face and thanked God for blessing us in this way. I turned the music up and sang along. I pulled in the driveway and into the garage feeling that life was ok once again. That sadness and loss and loneliness would no longer rule in our household. I bounded up the stairs not wanting to wait any more minutes before heading out for our adventure to prepare for our new pups.

George had a funny look on his face.

What?

Well there’s some bad news.

Whattttt? I said desperately. Are they taking this away from us?

George let me read the email which basically said we couldn’t have them because we didn’t have a fence b/c one of them (I think Casper) is a flight risk and might get out the door and won’t use a leash.

So I began to get on Facebook to let everyone know “this is not happening now”.

George said “why don’t you wait” and “be nice about the agency”.

I said “I’m going to be nice…what’s wrong with the truth?”

He said “do what you want”.

So I did and posted that we were not getting them b/c I couldn’t stand to see another congratulations come through. My heart was breaking.

So I thought we would look to see if there was another one we might want. George had already said there wasn’t any he was interested in. So that was that. Only George was upset with me for getting on Facebook and posting we would not be getting them. And accused me of basically being selfish and having to have my own way and not doing it his way. I didn’t think I had done anything but be honest. But it wasn’t done his way so he was upset with me. Maybe I might be thinking the same thoughts about his wanting his way. He refused to sit down with me and have a look on other pets. I needed to do that to be consoled. But it was not to be. We argued instead of comforting one another. I suppose his disappointment coupled with mine was just too much to bare. We couldn’t even stand to see each other’s disappointment. I felt like he was punishing me for posting on Facebook. He says he was not but he had said since I couldn’t wait to post on Facebook that he couldn’t wait to send the email to the agency about “the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away” and how disappointed he was that it was like grieving our past dogs death all over again.

I felt horrible last night. Like I needed to grab for something, someone and no one was there. It was one of the more lonely nights I’ve had in a while. I doubted everyone and everything. Including God for a while. After we both prayed so hard for dogs to come in our life, why would He allow our hearts to be strung along like this? Why would He allow us to go through this hurt? I decided I would trust in God. I’m sure He has his reasons. There was no one to know just how badly I was hurt last night – first by the agency, and then by surprisingly by George who was so sensitive about everything I said and every move I made. I even wondered how strong my marriage really was if we cannot support each other in something like this. I even wondered if God was trying to point that out to me. There wasn’t anything that I had faith in last night, even feeling God had turned His back on me. I did not feel His spirit encircling.

In all my training I’ve been through lately on taking care of yourself – I knew that I could not let the events of the evening rattle my soul and so as hard it was I knew I had to “self soothe” as no one was going to be there to soothe me otherwise. I knew I was to be on liquids all day today as the colonoscopy is tomorrow. So I knew I need to eat a protein and hearty filled dinner even though my first instinct was to eat nothing and go to bed. So I decided to go and get something to eat. I asked George if he wanted anything. He was on the couch watching a show. He said “he was good” (didn’t want anything). So I went to a hibachi drive through. I had wanted steak but was too red faced and watery eyed to go inside anywhere and pretend I was normal. But the hibachi drive through is great food and so I got steak, veggies and rice and that awesome orange sauce you dip your veggies in. I ate in the Publix parking lot. I really didn’t want to come home but I didn’t know what else to do. I watched a YouTube show about self soothing lol. It really didn’t do any good. I was too disappointed. It said to hug a pillow, lol.

Anyway I went home and George was already in bed asleep and snoring. Good for him. I’m glad he could sleep. I could not. Not for a long while. I could not stand to see these two dogs faces last night. Although I’m ok today. I had loved them in my heart already. There is some part of me that hopes it is really not over, that they will come around and let us have them. But I am fearful to hope. I don’t know the reasons why life on this earth is so complicated. I do a post one day about how I want to live a long life and experience life. But then life turns around and slaps you down. We live in a war zone, a divisive nation, selfish people all around, love never seeming to stay in one place long, and it’s so lonely. Why on earth would one want to live long in a place like this? For daughter and grandson I suppose or anyone else that might reach out to care for me at this point in life?

Ahhhh well, what’s the point? I suppose there is a flicker of light, of hope, and that God will come through for us after all one day. I had planned a wonderful day off today to get some rest and have some joy and do light things that have been on the list for some time. It’s ironic that everything we try to do is to be turned over and around. So I’m trying to fight through these feelings of hurt, disappointment, loneliness, despair and have a good day somehow as I churn through these liquids all day.

I will not be posting again until after the colonoscopy is finished, which will be sometime tomorrow, likely after lunch. And if I feel apt to it. I will do today all the things I said I would. I’ve been wanting time and here it is. Even though I feel like getting under the covers and forgetting life for the day, I’m going to work on my “list” and perhaps at some point we can manage to see some success at at least some of the things we try to do in life.

I’m going to try to do the cable work today and look for a dog today and do some photography/video work on Canon, work on my video, work toward this year’s goals, light housework, reading, puzzling and guzzling broth, jello, gatorade, etc. I’ll figure out where I want lunch from tomorrow. And then tomorrow I’ll rest a while if needed, watch a few shows and do more of the same as I feel like it. And I will try to get over what happened yesterday about the dog disappointment and events afterward. It’d been a long time since I’ve experienced such elation and disappointment extremes in one day. I’m not sure I can do that again. But for the right dog(s), I’ll be willing to try. Pray for us because this really hurt.