Got up a little early on this Tuesday morning 3:45 a.m. and now I have a little time to myself and able to do a blog entry. It seems the only way to get quality time to my self is just to keep getting up earlier and earlier to make room for me. That may sound selfish but if you don’t give yourself what you need, you are not good for anyone.
I’m doing a new challenge this week. I’ll not tell anyone what it is so no one can judge, sabotage, tease, or poke. I just simply need to do some things for myself without anyone knowing my business. It’s not about food, water, weight loss, nutrition, but it is about protecting myself, my thoughts, and my needs so that I can be in a good place for those around me. It is a secret but that said there are hints at times within this entry.
I also need your prayers in a very big way. A very dear family member is having some testing done as they are not feeling well. The doctor has laid out possibilities ranging from not so serious to serious. And of course it’s very scary waiting to see what is wrong. I have chosen not to post who at this point out of privacy for them, but really need your prayers for healing for this person and for a not serious and very treatable situation.
I sometimes want to be mad at God for letting things happen to good people. But I realize that no matter how much this world or the enemy tries to destroy, HE IS IN CONTROL. I think this year HE has shown me that none of us is in control. We have to let go of our fear and LET GOD. Because there is not much we can do.
We can give and give and work and work and think that at the end of the day we can look back on our hard work, and often we do, but at the end of the day you are given so much more to deal with for the next one. Ten more things exploding on our to do list, another person heavy in grief, another needing great healing, and all in a period of time that is supposed to be filled with contentment, joy, peace, and love.
Only in sleep, when it comes, can we seem to be exempted from the frustrations and must haves and messes and the continual arrows that are thrown at our days.
Lord give me strength to be there for those that need me, to face things I have to face, to do things I need to do, and if there is anyway to please make it easier, do that!
So as of today here is what is on our plate:
~So yes, waiting on the further testing to come back.
~Mom’s company arrives this weekend. Bed is not ready. Bath is not ready. I have to go shop and get a list of things Mom needs. When? I D K maybe after work one night?
~Dishwasher repair man comes today. Went to get Mom last night and she spent the night (in the chair at her request) and was kind enough to be here to let him in today and we’ll take her back home today.
~Still have some Christmas shopping to do. Hoping to work that in after work as well. I haven’t even had time to plan.
~Office move happening and all has to be packed up by end of day Thursday. Not sure what is supposed to happen Friday. I could use the day off if it comes to that. My life is obviously such turmoil and I need to be three people. We will know more today.
~I get stressed normally this time of year, but this year is a triple whammy.
That said, let’s take a deep breath. Let God send some kind of magical energy that will swoop down, embrace us, and give us strength and perhaps even a magic wand. Here’s some pretty pics from the trip on the drive.
I covet your prayers. I know EVERYONE is busy. I’m not the only one. But when a family member I’m close to is not feeling well, it just breaks my heart into. Lord heal like only you can do, all that is wrong. Right it. Right it all. OK off to do payroll on my early day.
I am typing almost with a blank mind. The coffee is going down and not doing it’s job yet. As I sit and type I am thinking of thoughts like how I just need to be locked in the house for a week to find rest, escape, and peace from the world and it’s busy, crazy, “gotta be done now” mentality. Life is spinning about me so fast and I. Just. Need. Rest. I am truly exhausted, mentally, physically, and about to be emotionally. So much yells out for my time and attention constantly. So if I write in bullet points this morning, just know I’m doing the best I can.
*Christmas – I have not really had time to work on it anymore. George threw a few ornaments up out of desperation I think on the fly. lol.
*I was so stressed out yesterday after the work day I had that after ironing and doing a few things on my to do list, I decided to claim my “hour of the day” for something fun (since I don’t get the my me time anymore on Tuesday mornings) and worked on the video some before dinner. I think you will like the upcoming one when I grab a few more minutes to finish it.
* The dishwasher install is next Tuesday – payroll day which limits me. I suppose I could change my early day to another day ::sigh:: but one of us needs to go get Mom that morning and bring her over. Nothing is ever easy. If George gets her it’ll be really early. If I get her it’ll still be early but I won’t get to have my early start to closing payroll – if I’m at work by 7:30 or 8 it’ll be ok though. She’s offered to spend the night but for Mom to do that we have to change so much and she has to bring so much – meds, dog food, clothes. And bed’s have already been rearranged. I don’t want to have to redo sheets and all that. It’s just easier and more efficient to go get her before work.
*My TMJ is still going on and it’s a little sore on that side. Yesterday I had shooting pains up in my temple but I think that was from how I slept as it was coming from my neck. I got up and that hit yesterday and I’m like “no way we are not dealing with that today, took a Tylenol and it took the edge off”.
*I think George is tired too. He’s been snappish or frustrated or patronizing with me over nearly everything lately. We are on different planes for sure.
*I have learned I can’t win nor please anyone ever these days so I just have to ignore it and go on. I mean if someone needs something from me ask for it. Or wants me not to do something, ask me not to do it. I might comply or do what you need if I know what it is and it’s a decent request and not selfishly motivated. If one can’t communicate, I surely can’t fix whatever is wrong. I don’t have time to play games or analyze. At this point if it is not face value from someone that has an issue with me then it won’t be faced. Period. Tribe spoke. Yes it did. While I have never been able to read minds, I used to try to guess. Ain’t nobody got time for ‘dat these days. My days of trying to read into things are mostly done, I’d say. It’s either real or forget it. Any passive aggressive manipulation style of behaviors from anyone in my life is quite simply just going to be shoved under the rug along with itself as I tread on about my business. This goes for all relationships – personal or professional. Either spit it out or get over it.
*I keep thinking about what Dad used to say – a person can “get glad the same way they got mad” and “I don’t mind taking my bat and ball and heading home”. As if to say -not my problem, or I can just not play this game, lol. I don’t have time to take on other’s feelings. I can only deal with my own, if that makes sense. There’s no more room at the inn. I’m not easily maneuvered or manipulated any more. And had to stop and do some “learning” on manipulation tactics and gaslighting- not long ago – and narcissist behavior information and all that. It was quite eye opening as to some of the things that I’d allowed to be used on me at various times in my life by various people. I knew kinda what they were doing but wasn’t really sure how to handle it. I think those courses are toughening me up. Because I do matter too! My feelings are just as important as the next guys. They are real and they are worthy. I am worthy. Even if only God thinks so. So letting everything go. I think sometimes people don’t even know they do these things, they have just learned to do them. I probably have too as a way to protect my own self and get what I want. So we each have to be protective of our selves and our feelings so we are not run over by others and allowed to be the people we want to be and thrive in it. I’m not saying be selfish or not do for others, but just not be sucked in to living the life others want you to live, never giving your own life consideration.
*We will be on our trip soon. I will try to blog when I can. We are trying to find someone to feed the cat. Our regular said no as she doesn’t have time. So the little guy is an outside cat and he can hunt but he’s used to us giving him some dry food twice a day and treats. So hopefully we can try to get another neighbor. He won’t starve. We won’t be gone long but yes, one more thing to try to work out. Everything in life is so difficult. Of course anything else I’m asked to do in life right now would be difficult. I’m already filled to overload in life’s plate.
While we eat dinner, we’ve been watching this show. It’s very interesting. Catchy from the very beginning and I like the characters for the most part. I’m missing my Svalbard show though. I will have to catch it on the fly I guess somehow.
Saw this on Instagram and did a screen shot from the Power of Positivity folks. Thank you for that. Love that. I think that describes me often. When you don’t get to be you, and do the things that make you different, and you just are on robotic terms with the world in your functioning, you lose yourself. And that makes one sad and tired. Our uniqueness fades. And so do we and our light and fire burns out. Mine needs rekindling.
Ok I’ll be gone with all the deep stuff today. Gotta go pick Mom up in Lebanon, go to Mount Juliet and do the mammograms, take Mom back to Lebanon, and then me go to work in Nashville.
Only two more days til trip time. Will something spoil it? I’m so afraid to even think about having fun. It seems like we have not deserved to have fun as it’s certainly been kept from us for two years now. I will believe it when I see it. We will see the mountains and even get to eat at a French Restaurant for the first time.
Slow down, my life. Slow down. Let me have an enjoyable day where I’m not having to think of all the things I’ve not yet done or is half done or is waiting for me to do it. ::sigh::
I’ll be ok eventually. I will. Maybe not today. I’m just exhausted. And often the body feels the stresses of situations when it is at the end or almost the end of being over. So I’m going for more coffee and about to hit the road.
Before I get into today’s entry about Friday and the final move, I want to say “thank you” for watching my latest YouTube video – in the previous entry. Your comments mean so much to me on it and I’m glad you enjoyed it. It wasn’t my favorite as far as “fun videos go” but I felt I needed to get it out there as George has worked so hard to make this all happen. I discovered later I had footage from my camera to add – after I’d done the video. I use my phone so much I forgot to check the camera files (it’s puts it in a different spot on my Mac). I thought I had looked already but I guess that was for the previous video. This is the err of having to come and go so much when working on a project and having to do things over several sittings – you forget where you are. Dang I should have made a list! I was so disappointed as the footage was good. But I’m moving on in time. I’ve made good ground and I want to keep going. Because I’ll end up getting behind during this crunch time I’m afraid. We have done so many videos on Mom’s move that I know everyone is probably tired of hearing about it, but it was indeed what our year has been about. I do have some more fun ones coming up soon though- I think. I hope. And eventually a Roger tribute. So much to do and no time. I have had to put much of my life and goals and spare time on the back burner. And that is ok for a time. I barely have had any room left to show that I have a persona, lol. There really is a ME in there somewhere that has likes, feelings, goals, emotions, hobbies. She’s in there somewhere and we only get a peek of her here and there. The rest of the time she is a robot and just does what she is slated in life to do I guess. And that is ok. For now.
Mom and I had a great time Friday. I worked for a few hours and then when all of our team left to go see the new plant and where our corporate offices were moving, I left and took Mom to lunch and to the doctor. Since it was reported that the offices would be shut down, I just left when they did and it gave us time to have lunch. It made for a more pleasant doc appt day. We had lunch at First Watch in Hendersonville. Mom loved it and would like to go back. I had a hard time eating my sandwich as my mouth would not fit over but half of it due to the lockjaw/TMJ thing. It’s not resolved. I’m going to have to go see a doctor when I get time. I just can’t open my mouth all the way, it’s stuck. I’m trying to accept it and go on because I don’t have time to go to the doc and I keep hoping it will resolve itself. It got better, but is still not right. At least I can eat. Just have to use fork most of the time or take smaller bites.
We went to get her eye injection after lunch and then Mom said she wanted me to be able to get some things done. She asked what all was on my list as far as shopping and errands. So we went to AT&T store and I dropped off my used phone to get my $350 credit. And then we went to JC Penny’s where I bought some Christmas gifts that I’d been waiting for items to come into stock. She wanted to wait in the car. But she did go into Bath and Body Works with me and enjoyed that until it got crowded. I used my “get an item free” coupon so she could get a perfume for herself. I used my other coupon to get 20% off of my purchase. So yay! More Christmas presents bought. Then we took KFC home for dinner.
So Fancy was dropped off for her trim yesterday. And then we went to the donut place to get breakfast for the moving crew, which was George and our neighbor Chip. We are so thankful for him helping us out. He was a God send! Here’s my sausage and egg breakfast sandwich from the donut shop.
There is nothing much for Mom and I to do until things are moved around and set into place where we can begin setting up things. Right now it is in “Gridlock”. It’s kinda like those sliding puzzles on a track where you have to move things around to get things in place accordingly to get the design. So George is working today at her house to get her bed ready for the mattress adjustable bed she bought and it will fit into her antique four poster bed. He had to go and uninstall the slats and make changes to the bed today so it will work and allow the bed system to fit down in there. The adjustable bed frame/mattress will be delivered Tuesday.
Since I’m a planner, yesterday I was trying to discuss today and what Mom and I could possibly work on while there. But after some words between all of us, and such a bottleneck on George, he determined it would be best for us just not to go today. So much of it falls on him to move. And it is very clear to anyone just how tired and deflated he is and I think we have only aggravated him more, which has upset me very much. However, I cannot control his thoughts and feelings nor Mom’s. I get to be the lucky charm in the middle. And neither of them can control me or my emotions, nor do they probably even care what they are as they have their own selves to tend to and nurture.
So back to the house – everything is chaos and you can’t get to anything without moving something. We can’t empty boxes when we don’t have access to where to put them. So it’s just a chaotic mess. I have looked the last few times for something I can possibly do but we are at an impasse until things are moved into place, out of the way and we get some kind of game plan going.
I think we are so close and I think we thought yesterday with all the furniture in, we’d be able to make progress and realized, disappointedly so, that was not the case. My desire was to get as much done this weekend since we will have limited time next weekend. Next weekend is the only time we can get the Christmas decorating done before Christmas. All the weekends are taken. So things haven’t gone exactly as planned I don’t think. And it is very obvious to anyone and everyone that George is beyond tired. Mom’s thinking was to move in Thanksgiving weekend. Maybe we can make it happen, if she can stand to live in a mess for while – if we can get her to the point of being able to sleep and bathe and get her recliner going for periods of day rest. Her kitchen is a mess but at least functional. I just have to be able to get our Christmas decor out when my grandson is coming to Christmas for the first time. It would be ashamed not to have the house decorated. I just cannot accept that.
I know why George is feeling overwhelmed. There is a lot of pressure and he realizes too, I’m sure, that by ending the big furniture move and getting it all in the new place, is indeed NOT the end of the line. So much to move around, set up, and things to help her, being a senior, to function. TV has to be set up and eventually installed to wall. The bar has come in for her back porch for the step there so she can step down without falling on to the back porch. It has to be installed into the brick. A bar for each of the bathrooms will be installed. And things moved around, furniture set up, glass put back into the china cabinets (I can help with that I think). The chimes put back in the grandfather clock, I think. But some of that is not urgent. Some of it is. The work seems never ending I’m sure for him.
So in light of the turtle mode fashion in how slow this is going, and to hide my disappointment at not being able to be efficient and helpful right now, I’m turning my focus on getting some personal things done today that I had not anticipated getting to do unless it was on the fly. And I’ve decided since I can’t control others feelings about the move and I can only control what I can do, that I’m letting it go and it’s not going to control my mood. I had gone to bed upset trying to figure out what it was I’ve done wrong or said wrong and came to no conclusion than my planning of today had put pressure on George and Mom got involved and tried to explain my side as well. But my own fault seems to be that I was planning work for us to do and that only involved more work for George.
So the best thing for him is for me to give up on today over there and just focus on being here, being happy and in getting some things done here. Here’s my lists from the Reminders App on iPhone, which I’m loving now that I know what it will do and how to use it. It’s a little bit different from what I am used to but it’s working for me. I mainly need to get ready for the work week, do some ordering for Christmas and check my list, make a few more, shower, go to the store, and plan next week.
So I’ll probably not be back until Wednesday. I’ll work on the next video tomorrow morning in my one guaranteed free hour of the day I give myself, have to work extra long on Tuesday to get check stubs and overnight packs out in a short week this week. And Wed will be long too but I’ll at least try to blog Wed morning. Thursday is cooking day. Maybe even Wed night.
So pray for us please. We are all exhausted, low in spirits, but at least I’m trying to keep positive and upbeat by accepting it is what it is, I can only do what I can do, and I will make the most of the day I have and make alternate plans! It’s kindof a nice pleasant surprise actually since I’m not needed and at an impasse anywhere else. Ahhhhh deep breath!