Anger, Resilience, Determination and First Day of Starting New Habits

It is Friday morning here just before 6:00 a.m. And I’m glad for a small break of a weekend if you can call it that. It’s been a busy and wooly week. By that I mean stressful. And I mean in nearly every aspect. It’s month end/quarter end at work and issues are never ending at home.

I can sit there with an average to moderately perfect work load for 6 weeks with things rolling along like silk but let it be quarter end, and that is when everything has to happen at once it seems . For example this quarter end: new garnishments arrive, employee’s suddenly need 12 weeks of their check stubs, we hire people in new states and new tax accounts have to be set up, new sets up in the system don’t take and the tax records come out wrong, computer glitch emails decide not to show up because a server changed causing a domino impact – no emails of receiving PTO requests, caused things not to be paid, causing me to have to set up funding on emergency card, surprise payrolls occurred at the last minute after reports are printed, therefore needing a reprint. You know, the typical full moon scenario where Murphy’s law kicks into high gear. It’s like all the fans at a football stadium trying to enter the same door on game day all at once. lol. You plan to stay ahead but not everyone does so it leaves you doing things two and three times over and shaking your head going “what just happened?”. It’s like a double full moon. Only it’s not a full moon.

And then there is home. I’m trying to stay above water. Mom’s next Move is looming as her closing nears and the final touches are made on her new home. I’ve planned out the PTO for the year so I’ll know what I can use for her move. I turned in my requests since it involves Fridays so someone can plan to be there in my absence to sign A/P checks for the dates I will be out. I get home and Mom announces we have to go pick out new flooring. Well that’s 1/2 a day I’ll need off as the Design Center doesn’t open on the weekends – shame on them. I blurted out to George “I may as well just quit my job.” I felt bad for saying it. I’m just overwhelmed at work right now and having just planned the PTO for the rest of the year – it just hit me at the wrong time.

I’ve feared for my job because we have had multiple doctor’s appointments – both hers and mine and I’ve even put off having some of my critical ones – such as my colonoscopy and gynecological appts – even with having pain in my abdomen at times – just so I don’t take off so much. But if I took off as much as I needed – there would be no time for work. So I’m trying to keep a Full Time job here and the struggle is real.

And this is where I get very angry and mad at my sister for not being here to help. I’m sorry, but this is life and life is real. And I am very angry right now at life in general. And it doesn’t exclude my anger toward her absence. I’ve decided that anger is ok. You let it come and go. I’ve been sitting here for a few weeks reading two chapters a day about God’s anger against his people for the things they have done wrong. If He can be angry. So can I. The difference is He destroyed entire cities of people when they didn’t turn their ways. I won’t do that. lol I’ll let him be the judge and handle any punishment He has in store. But I’m angry and I am acknowledging it. We need help but we are all being shunned here and I, much like the Lord, do not take that lightly. I’m doing a lesson on how to forgive when someone keeps doing the same things (or not doing what they are supposed to). I mean how do you deal with that? How do you forgive when you can’t forget and it’s in your face every day? This is not ok, and it’s a situation where this lack of action will NEVER be ok with me. The damage that is done, is not repairable where it is not fixable. I don’t get it. None of it.

But yet another day has passed, and the sun comes up as we look through it from our dirty windshields of our lives. Another opportunity to try and fix our anger, fix what is broken, fix the world, fix our schedules, update our PTO requests, try again to lose weight, try again to keep everyone happy and satisfied and settled, and get another cup of morning coffee as we watch the sun rise upon our day and our continued “opportunities”.

What a way to start October 1st. The day of my new challenge. A day of 55 days to create hope of having new behaviors, new ways, new habits. More water intake, a healthier diet, more reading to reach goals (including forgiveness), an increase in serving others, and increased movements. Any improvements to be made will be helpful. SMART goals set! They are attainable! And I can’t think of a better time than now, because I need hope that things will be better.

At lunch yesterday I made this tracker. Just to help me focus. It’s not as detailed as I like but simple is better. I know what my move goals and reading goals are so there is no need to have a check box but I think I do need the reminder/tracker for the food parts.

This week, I feel like I’ve let my self be crushed under the weight of it all. I kinda feel like this old house in our neighborhood looks. I have felt insufficient, incomplete, not enough and it has left me angry and ultimately like an old wet noodle that just wants to slide down the table and land on the floor in a heap and just be done. I feel like an old battered house that is just an eye sore and a detriment to all. A body that can do no good, but only harm. I try so hard. With so little to show for it.

But that is not me. No I’m resilient, determined, and I don’t stay down for long. I cling to hope, dreams, goals, plans, and keep trying. I keep trying to do what I’m supposed to do- to work, to care for those around me, and to try to make something of my life – even if my only successes are little. My spirit is stomped but I’ll be back.

The good news is Mom texted yesterday while I was at work and said “flooring situation solved”. They found something same color but bigger planks. So we don’t have to go in. Another day off averted. It was not going to be good to take off this month during quarter end. I can’t even get time to even work on quarter end with all the other stuff going on at work. So being off would have been an issue. So one issue is averted.

I always get the new planner in October. We are already looking at the first of the year. Flights must be made for Texas and rental car booked.

It’s Oct 1 and it will be busier than an airport at the holidays every day from here until about March. March 1 is becoming my new year in my head. January is going to be busy. February will be a catch up and catch all month. March I can start new things, new programs, new solutions, new goals for the blog, YouTube, and life in general.

Ahhhhhhh. Lord help us all. Hang on! It’s gonna be a crazy ride for the next few months as we move Momma, get ready for and “enjoy” the Holidays, as tired as we’ll be, and get Mom settled in the new place, and head to Texas, do m/e, q/e and y/e at work in Jan (help us all). Feb and March hopefully of 2022 will bring a sigh of relief, and maybe a new dog? That alone makes me smile, but we gotta get through all this first.

I’ll see you for a quick moment in the morning! I’m so glad it’s Friday!

How’s YOUR Psyche Doing Today?

Red Spider Lillies

These caught my attention pulling in the drive yesterday. Often we are so busy I don’t notice as they are in the back yard next to the tree line. But bright red with the sun shining down on it caught my eyes. See, after yesterday’s post, I may not have stopped to smell the roses (didn’t see any) but I did stop to admire the spider lilies!

I also stopped mid-day to go to Logans and get salmon on top of rice, a side of broccoli, a side salad, and ice tea. Yes, I ate a buttered roll for dessert. I was going to tell her no rolls but she brought them to the table when I sat down. It was meant to be but I only ate one. It was so good. I have to have a salmon fix every now and then. Mom does not like much fish so we’ve not fixed it at home. Sometimes I don’t either unless the fishy taste is covered up good with a good sauce. While at Logans I blew through some 400 something emails. I have not taken the time to check them in a few days. I am going to have to eliminate some of them. But I missed my bone density results. I haven’t even looked at them yet. I saw the email sitting there and didn’t want to log in on my phone. I would mess up the password. I can get in on the Mac w/o having to log in again. So I will look this weekend at the results.

What if we went around asking each other “How’s Your Psyche Doing Today?”

I slept from 9:15 last night to 7:10 this morning. I woke up around 1:30 and sipped water and had to go to the bathroom. This is most nights. One time. Sleep was just wonderful. And my psyche is doing a lot better. A rosier side.

What if we went around and asked each other “How’s Your Psyche Today?”. That would be interesting conversation wouldn’t it? But can you imagine? “My psyche is pleased today. I’m not as stressed. I’m letting go.” or “My psyche is in a weird place today, a little depressed, and moody, and dark.”

People should really talk about their psyches more I guess but we all have so much baggage at times, in a hurry, and who wants to go there really? Well I’m all about loving anything psychological so I’d be for a good ole psyche discussion most any time. But I’ve always wanted to go deeper into conversations than most people want to go. So I try hard just not to talk as I know that about me, but if I ever get going and someone listens, I tend to go overboard b/c I think I’m conversation starved sometimes. That said, sometimes I don’t know what to talk about so go figure! As I’m typing this, I’m realizing the art of conversation has just really changed in my lifetime I think. What do you think? We are less interested in each other and spend more time just getting our opinions out there.

I suppose everyone talks about weather, sports, the dreaded illness that is so rampant. But not many really talk about what is on their mind, or ask each other genuinely how they are doing, or how’s your Mom and ’em? It’s as much my fault as anyone’s. I always dive into what we are doing or what we’ve done or what we are dealing with and go from there to start conversations. Honestly really hadn’t thought much about it until I started typing. I usually don’t know where I’m going when I start typing. It’s kinda both amazing and freaky what happens when I type. lol

Been a while since we went to a Titan’s game. We had a lot of fun adventures when George worked for Gibson. We met a lot of people. Many became friends. Or at least for a while, while paths crossed, businesses ventured, and geography allowed it. I haven’t really thought about these foodie Tailgate adventures we loved so much, celebrating life, enjoying a day out, watching football, eating cold brats afterward and riding with friends on their tailgate bus back to the car. I saw this pic and remembered those days.

We had many an evening that vendors took us out to nice places. Now so much has happened in our world, I am apprehensive to even be in Nashville at night. I’m sure it’s fine, but not always. It seems in so many ways, the carefree days are over. The days of fun and food and adventure and travel. I know that is not entirely true, but it’s not like it was anyway. And here I go zooming down the dark path again like yesterday. Not meaning to, but recognizing the difference. There is a sadness now I didn’t have back then. Mainly in looking at our world, not me, just our world is sad and angry and different as a whole.

This makes me realize if I feel this way, others must also. It means a lot in our world when someone smiles even and honestly wishes you to have a good day. Or speaks to you with kind words. I have noticed it has greater meaning! We must do it more. Being kind to our waiters and waitresses, checkers, people we pass on the street. We need more nice and kind.

Be someone’s hero for the day! So let’s challenge ourselves:

  1. Say something extra to those you come in contact with.
  2. Smile more and say hello.
  3. Be helpful even to strangers.
  4. Genuinely ask your friends how they are doing and mean it.
  5. Reach out to three of your social media buds by commenting on their picture, post, etc. Comments mean a lot.
  6. Just Connect.
  7. Say more to your coworkers when you are in the same room or pass.
  8. Have lunch with a friend(s)
  9. _______________ Keep going with this list and make other suggestions in the comments. It’s endless, but we have to make our daily world a better place. What if we changed someone’s day by a smile or a few simple words or actions?

Or it’s a Disciplined Mind and a Wild Eye or a Wild mind and a Wild Eye but probably never a Disciplined Mind and Disciplined Eye? Who knows! lol

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Ok so….Mom liked her doctor on Thursday and was able to get her Rx’s filled. However, after sleeping on it, decided that she didn’t like the fact that he didn’t take her blood pressure, temperature, and that I had mentioned how dingy the office area looked (it was for a doc office). So she has decided she doesn’t want to stay under him. We’ve kinda gone through all the doctor’s practices in Hermitage, Lebanon and Mount Juliet that take the hospital system she wants to be under. So many of them not taking new patients. Many of them not taking Medicare. So she is backing herself now into us having to go to Nashville. Or she will have to relax her standards. I am probably going to refuse to go to Nashville. I don’t drive there and park downtown, so…..I’m setting boundaries. I mean I would do it if there was just an emergency or the only doctor in town that will do xyz! But not for a primary care. It’s been shocking to me at how many doc offices refuse to deal with medicare. Mom doesn’t want to be at a doc office that ONLY does medicare b/c she says you don’t get the best care. She also doesn’t want any care from 2 of the 3 hospital systems in our area b/c of the same reason. So we’ve dwindled down to having to relax some standards here. I have spent SO MUCH TIME researching docs with her criteria and still can’t seem to find the one.

So I told her while she sits here all day and plays games on her tablet and reads political agendas on Facebook (we hear about it at dinner) then she will have time to do research on the doctors in the area. lol. That way she can see what I’m talking about. It’s my opinion you have to manage your own health care in a way. I told Mom “tell ’em you want your temp taken and blood pressure checked, tell ’em how you want it to go”. I understand her concerns though. I’m not heartless. It’s also concerning to me that they did not do these very basic things most doc does. They even called her back before she finished the paperwork, leaving me scratching my head. So I’m not sure what the answer is. I just know I’m tired of trying to find a doctor to please so “I’m gonna let” her do it since I’m striking out. At least we found a good heart doctor. Maybe they will be able to make her a good recommendation.

Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

Anyway we are going out to Lebanon today to see Mom’s house, eat some BBQ, and check out some parts of Lebanon, maybe stopping at a few places – a butcher shop, a gourmet farmers market, and so forth. Not really sure what all we are going to do but we are taking Mom out to get her out of the house some.

Tomorrow we are hanging out with my SIL and BIL going to a newer brewery they’ve not been to, and out to eat and to see their new place in Lebanon. We miss them and need to catch up. They have sold their house in Gallatin and living in Lebanon a little closer to us and certainly more accessible to us since we will be in Lebanon a lot. Of course they have two locales, as they have a condo in the mountains near their grandchild (what a thought huh?) Well their grandchild is only 4 hours away and ours is more like 14! Yes, we have considered having an apartment in TX! But it’s not worth it b/c we wouldn’t be there enough to warrant it. At least not right now while we are working FT.

Anyway, I think this is a good point to end the blog. But it’s a good day. We’ll be open minded, sipping coffee, doing laundry, doing some weekend routines and getting ready for a little day out. Sunny and 84 today. And I’m going back for more coffee if there is any left. My heart is just so glad it’s the weekend. There’s nothing like working on YOUR OWN agenda. Even if you love the job you do, it’s just nice to be on your own turf doing your own thing. Not hustling (no hurries) more coffee. Maybe I should have named the blog “lesshurrymorecoffee” but at the time, I was doing a side hustle of network marketing and made an abrupt turn after circumstances, sprituality, and some soul searching changed my thinking.

Sometimes I think of changing the blog, the blog title, and so forth but I already have SO MUCH invested in this title and in building up the blog, the videos, and social media- so I stick with it. Even though my growth is not very big. I don’t want to lose what steam it has. It’s not a bad theme. It’s still me – I don’t want to hurry – I want to enjoy life – and I love my coffee to get me started and my wine to finish! 😉 What you all doing on this fine Saturday in September?

Meanwhile in Texas…

I absolutely LOVE these photos of my grandson. He is so cute in the hat and overalls! I think I shall order one for a frame! Or two or three! So precious. I can’t wait to hug him at Christmas.