Am I Selfish? Do I Have What it Takes?

Am I Selfish?

When times get tough sometimes you wonder if you have what it takes to get through. So the next video is up. Click “Watch on YouTube” for the best results. All free. It was one of the busiest times of our lives. I appreciate you all and if you don’t want to miss an upload – hit subscribe on YouTube and it will remind you for upcoming posts. Any likes, comments, and subscribes help the channel. I love sharing with you all and doing these videos for you.

Happy 4th weekend. Enjoy!

Whirlwind Weekend, Being Told Every Move to Make, and Needing Rest

The peonies have been beautiful. I have not had “time to smell the roses” and enjoy them. It’s been a quick flash of “oh look something bloomed”! So I will share flowers and random pics of the last few days here among my words.

Saturday was a quick but wonderful trip out to the Cool Springs area. Mainly because we had a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory. I mean that is how we do things. We have ONE thing that causes us to go a direction and we build the day across that in our excursions. Kinda like decorating a room around a special piece of decor, lol.

So we like to start around lunch and we made plans to go to YAT’s. I looked up about three places that looked good that were not overly expensive that we had never been to and asked George if he would like to try them. He picked Yats! We had told our good friends that live in the area that we would be out their way if they wanted to join us in any of our activities. So they joined us.

At Yat’s you can order half n half! That way you get to try two as it’s hard to decide. I got the Drunken Chicken and the Sausage with Red Beans and Rice. I did not eat all of my rice. This was great! I enjoyed it very much. Their lights were interesting and the food was quick. So its a quick service.

Afterwards we headed to grab a beer with our friends at a nearby brewery only to find it was closed. So we went to another ale house nearby called Brewhouse South. It was a special time to get to see our friends for a extra round of catching up. We were not ready to say good bye yet. And it was a blessing to see them all. And even Miss J who had flown in from California. Bless her, she bought our beer. And friend Lisa told me about this beer that is mostly gluten free. On our side of town the gluten free is hard to find. But this one and Daura Damm have big flavors but not the heaviness that the other ones have. I liked this a LOT. We spent a long while there at the place catching up. I only had the one in case you were wondering. Although Lisa topped me off once when she didn’t want all of hers.

Then George and I went to Gabe’s and shopped. It’s a discount store. I never buy much in there but I always find something. It’s fun to shop. It’s about the search. I bought a $4 shirt to wear with pajama bottoms, and I bought some hand soap. And a new pillow. They had good brands for “real cheap”, including memory foam.

Before I knew it we were ready for our reservations at 5:45. We checked in but George left his phone in the car so we missed our reservation call when they called for us – even though we were standing right next to the hostess desk. lol. When others behind us began being seated I asked George if he had his phone. “No, it’s in the car”.

“Then how are they to reach us?” George had made the reservations. He is used to me doing it and giving them my number. Or really just used to them calling “Cox, party of two”. So we inquired and they had called us, but they seated us anyway without further delay. We sat at a two seater (Mom would have hated it and complained). lol But it was plenty of room there. We had a pleasant meal. And iced tea was my drink of choice, lol. Our food was devine! The steak medallion dinner was out of this world.

Afterwards we went to Sprout’s, a grocery store we had not been to. We only had 30 min to shop as it was 8:30 when we got there. Shocked at how long the Cheesecake Factory took. But we wanted to go so we kinda rushed through. Thankfully it was a smaller store and not as big as a Kroger. We loved Sprout’s. A lot of healthy choices and much of it organic. We were just in love! But at the check out with not even a heaping amount in our buggy, it was nearly $200. Sticker shock. We bought lots of new things and some fresh things for the week. Our Hello Fresh doesn’t start til next week. I had storm warnings on my phone for our home area but was glad we shopped as it was no longer raining when we got home. It was totally clear on the other side of town.

We got home past bed time. I still think it was 10:30 when I finally laid my head on the pillow. And wake up time came much too soon. I was shocked to realize I’d only truly got 5.5 hours sleep. I think I tossed and turned some.

My body was feeling the tired crunch Sunday but we got up and took Mom to church and brought her a cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. (We also bought us one which I ate bites of Saturday night before bed and Sunday afternoon).

After church we went to a new subway shop near Mom’s. Jersey Mike’s. Their sandwiches are good. They only have subs that I saw. I didn’t see a wrap or a salad. But their rosemary parmesan bread was really good and seemed fresh. We had a little trouble inside ordering. Mom had given me money to order hers and then George and I were to be on a separate ticket. So I was trying to give them a name for Mom’s order and ours a separate name so it would not be confused. George interrupted/corrected me and told them to just put it under one name. That was his first mistake. lol

So at the check out they rang up Mom’s order and my sandwich. I knew it was going to happen, as George had changed the name and made them do it as one. I’m sure he was trying to make it simple for them but it really only confused them.

We had told the guy it was two separate orders when we ordered but down the way where they ring it up, they didn’t know as it was all under one name. So when she only gave me $4 back from Mom’s $20, I knew that they had overcharged us. I asked where the rest was as it was just one sandwich. They said “oh you didn’t tell us”. I said “well we told the guy when we placed our order”. (But since it was under one name, she wouldn’t have known.) She said “ok I’ll correct it”.

As she started to correct it George said “don’t worry about it. We will settle it up b/w us.” He was trying to make it easier for them. But I wanted them to make it right for Mom so I could give her back her correct change. I said “I don’t have change George let’s just let them make it right for Mom.” He said he said “no” that he would take care of it and pay her back.

I left to get in the car as everything I said was overridden and corrected and then I was told to move out of the way by George. So I just said “well I see you have everything in control, I’m going to the car”. I was embarrassed at being treated like a child, not like an adult that is trying to fix a problem. People were starting to stare. I am not sure if they were staring at me for the confusion of our order or staring at George for being patronizing and adversarial. But he wanted to correct everything I tried to say so I let him finish up the order and bring it out.

When I recalled the incident to Mom after short changing her for her sandwich and trying to explain what happened and why she only has very little change back, George didn’t want me to tell the story by saying “it’s all in control” twice. He wouldn’t let me speak. I called him on it. I told him that I get to have a voice and speak from time to time and if I want to tell Mom what happened I most certainly will. He retorted by saying we could just go to lunch by ourselves next time. I said “fine if you want to draw that boundary for yourself, go ahead”. So I guess he will begin taking a separate car. And if that means that I can order without such pandemonium and being corrected every time I speak, hey – I’m up for that. I just know that I don’t want to be shushed, overridden, and contradicted at every word that comes out of my mouth. It’s very frustrating and not appropriate and I will refuse to tolerate that on my end either. Everyone has to have “their way”. And I give it to them a lot to avoid confrontation. This is just a good example. I may have a few boundaries of my own to settle. We may need to have some serious conversation if that ever happens again!

Of course with all my manipulation and narcissist training, I have been trying not to let people get to me. It’s a curve you have to go around. I’m not saying George is a narcissist, but I do think that some of the 5 people I am around the most have narcissistic tendencies (possibly even myself) or perhaps we are just all very individualistic, selfish, and opinionated and we all like to call the shots and have things our way. So much so that it creates confusion – such as above when three people have three different ways they want to do something. But I have to learn to let people know how I want to be treated. Just because someone wants to do something their way doesn’t mean they should demand to have it their way. It’s really ok for Sonya to get to decide how something should be done too.

I think I did well yesterday. I left the scene so I would not cause one! Or I’d have given boundaries right there in a the restaurant for all lol. He is lucky I didn’t scold him on the spot and embarrass him as much as I was already embarrassed for being patronized, corrected, and interrupted, and overruled by Every. Little. Thing. I. Tried to do and say in the deli which continued in the car. SMH.

So we got to Mom’s and I’m trying to be calm and I choose to just be quiet and helpful so that we can eat and get home and move past it all. So I start to take our sandwiches outside to be helpful. And I was told not to do that we’d fix our plates inside. My every move is always being watched by someone yesterday it seemed. I could do no right by anyone. I told Mom “however you want to do it”. I think at that point I was just thinking “Lord I can’t do anything right by these people today that just want to control every move I make.”

I guess it just gets tiring being around so many people that are so opinionated and have to do things their way – every little thing – it gets so tiring. Can I just make a decision on my own puhhhhlease? It may be little things but it seemed all morning long no matter what I tried to do or say it was getting corrected or needed to be done a different way. Mom said “Sonya” —and then stopped. And it’s a good thing she did as I’d have probably left and gone home if she’d said another word. I’d had enough of being told what to do and how to do it. I told her “hey – I said however you want to do it. I’m agreeing with you – take it!”

I’m surprised someone didn’t barge into the bathroom and explain to me how they wanted me to tear the paper off the roll and wipe my butt. Sorry, TMI, but that is how I feel. I can’t move without someone trying to correct every move or telling me what to do. “Lock this, close that, open this, put that here, where’s this, you are walking too fast, no do it this way, put it here, sit here, let’s do this, let’s do that”.

I think I just need Calgon to come take me away. And I’m laughing because as I typed that it changed to Calvin instead of Calgon. I’m like who is Calvin? If he can let me be my own person and treat me nicely I might go with him! Just kidding, but gosh. What a day.

Bottom line is I think I’m just overly tired and stretched too thin and quite frankly just had enough of everyone. I’m not getting any time to myself to rejuvenate and likely not getting any rest. So guess what? This is what you get. You get your way most of the time still but I’m coming out of my skin to call you on it when I’m tired. It is true that I usually let everyone around me have their way. Give me a tired moment and let me have my way once please?

So we ate sandwiches on the patio which I’d been looking forward to. We did it Mom’s way and fixed our plate on the counter. I don’t see as it made much difference. I ended up having to carry the fixed plates to the patio, lol. So it wasn’t easier for me but if was easier for everyone else that is fine. But whatever.

So bottom line? Did George settle up with Mom? No he didn’t have change and I didn’t either. I told him so in the deli. But he had to have his way. Everyone has to have their way. So I let them. Now Mom has been short changed. I was just trying to make it right for her. George was trying to not have the place go to so much trouble. So we were both right except for his treatment of me and shushing me aside and overriding every little thing I tried to say. He should have just let it go. Instead I did. Arghhh. I hate situations like this. It was embarrassing for all. But bottom line the problems is now ours to fix. Well his. And I’m going to let him fix it as he is the one that owes her – not me. He overruled me.

I’m not going to hold a grudge over this incident. I’m going to let it go. I’m just venting. It’s just one of those things that happens in marriage and relationships. But I may need to set some boundaries about not being interrupted when I am talking, handling a transaction, or ordering. If I’m truly doing something wrong it’s one thing. But it made it confusing for everyone. There is more than one way to skin a rabbit but no need to try to skin it three ways at once.

The tribe has spoken.

Coming back home, I had about three or four days of stuff to do. I did not get it all done. I had laundry to do, ironing to do, kitchen to clean, dishwasher to reboot, dishes to wash. Work bag to pack for the week, vitamin/med pack to fill up for the week. I had my colonoscopy instructions to read so I’d know what all I can’t take this week as far as supplements. But I did take time to consolidate all the notes, thoughts, ideas, and to do’s that had accumulated across my desk for the past month.

I still did not get finished blogging today but I am already running behind. There is still way too much on my to do list for the week. Grad cards need to be mailed, we need to get to the bank, still haven’t worked on the cable, haven’t finished the dog applications (the ones I was doing, George finished his). I did get some dusting done though, Yay and changed George’s sheets. I have to go to Publix and pick up Rx and get groceries that Sprouts didn’t have.

I’m actually looking forward to the Colonoscopy to get a day at home. I still have to go have the procedure so it’s not a true day at home but at least I’ll have some down time to rest and/or do things I want to do that allow you to sit and do it. It’s so frustrating to fight with my time. Even now I’m probably late to work. And will have to work over to make it up. Always robbing Peter to pay Paul with time. Arghhhhhh! I was going to work on the schedule yesterday and figure a few things out, but I didn’t have time. How ironic.

Turtle Speed but Finding Ourselves

Good morning! Sipping coffee here and trying to get the day going. Here is the little turtle with the “bobble head” that I had lost in the office move. It was in the basement in the lost box with the plants. He’s happy bobbing his head again. Bless his heart. It’s amazing he was found. He’s been with me a lot of years. I don’t even remember where he came from. But I really missed him when he was gone.

And here is the new hairstyle after I washed it and basically DID NOTHING to it but put a little mouse in it and scrunch it – after it was already dry. This works for me. I tried to get this scrunchy bob look in my thirties and forties and my hair would not do it. I can’t believe it is doing it now. If I try to grow my hair long again, ya’ll remind me – it ain’t for me! I just can’t tame it and deal with it long. I look more groomed and less of a wild woman with it short and tamed, lol.

This is picking up and going after working to get some voiceovers done in my videos and then rushing off to work. Minimal time for make up and beauty efforts. Plus I have no one to impress. I’m in an office by myself most all day working with numbers, spreadsheets, and an old DOS based kind of program, and email. So not a bad “do” for darting out the door. Today is day 2 and it’s much straighter and I will use a hair dryer brush to put some style and body into it. Anxious to see how that works. But I like the curl when it dries by itself.

I have to put the little clip in though because that one “curtain bang” on that side gets in my eyes/face and drives me NUTS! And I’m already there at the NUT stage so it wasn’t doing me any favors. Let me say again how much I’m enjoying just the lightweightness of it, having gotten rid of what seemed like two pounds of hair, lol.

I’ve been able to make some progress yesterday morning, as mentioned, with the next movie. This one is in line with a lot of others I’ve done. It gets into us having some fun and getting out into the community. I’ll work on it more this weekend. But I doubt I’ll be able to upload this weekend since we will be gone some of Sunday. We’ll see though!

I’ve also spent some time thinking on my niche and goals with the blog and videos. I have been wanting to do that for a while and my head has been in other places. I’m starting to think about 2023 goals and aligning myself with whatever I decide to work on. As you know it’s all a slow go, turtle speed because of working FT and now, also, the part time (almost full time) job of taking care of Mom, as that involves several hours during the week.

Speaking of Mom, we had dinner at her house last night. I’m not sure what is going on with the HOA, but she sent the next check in and they cashed it. So at least she is showing she is paying it. No one will talk to her on the phone. I’ve asked if she wanted me to handle it and she said no. So hopefully they have not place a lien on her house as they said they were going to. (She was sending payments in and they would send them back and then call and say she owed money.) I don’t know if she was sending it to the wrong place and got it figured out. She says a different place is cashing them now – a different company. All I know is she asked for the filing cabinet so she could keep it all straight and that made me wonder if she might have sent it to the wrong place. She didn’t seem upset about it anymore so I wondered if it all got straight and maybe she had just sent to the wrong people. I can’t imaging the right people sending money back, lol. We’ll never know I guess.

We took her the filing cabinet. I’ve been trying to find a new one for here to replace that one that was going to go in here. I was going to be setting it up this weekend as we had moved the bed out. I’m so glad she asked for it when she did and I didn’t have to “RE – Move all my files”. That would have made me angry. So I’ve picked out one I really like but it’s in the three hundreds. I’m trying to decide if I really want it or just stick with plastic. The plastic sticks and is hard to open and close. I find I just don’t want to even file with it. So I think it would be worth having in here and I would use it often. I’m trying to decide if I want to save up or just bite the bullet and order it. I’ll likely do the 2nd option since George told me to. I am going to use it for storing notes and ideas too. Instead of keeping them all in notebooks and folders and across all my desk. I think it’ll be worth it. I have had a little windfall come to me and also we’ll have a tax return. George bought a ukulele, lol. So…..yeah, I think I’ll decide today and have the order placed by weekend and get my office back like I want it.

In recent days, I’ve set an appointment for Mom to get her hair cut. I got mine done so she wants to get hers done. And I’m setting an appointment soon for us to get our toes done. I was going to do mine next week but now taking her to get hair done, that might change to the following week. We’ll see – lots of things on the schedule so I’ll have to try to see how to spread things out.

Mom’s watch that syncs with her phone “died” and she has ordered a replacement so we’ll have to go pick that up at the AT&T store. And Fancy pants was having a tummy issue yesterday. She said that what we set up with her “google voice” on the remote control was no longer working but when we got there it worked fine.

I told Mom that maybe one day we would show up and something good will have happened. It seems like there is only bad news always when we see her. I pray for her to have good things happen to her though the day but I guess it is just life. Everything breaks and bad news comes more frequently than it used to. I ask God often to help us have some good days and he brings them. I’ll pray that for her too.

She told me I woke her up when I texted her the other day. I guess it was early in the morning and I returned a text she texted me when I was asleep. So I guess I should wait until after I get to work to text back. She told me ducks were quacking as it texted and it sounded like people babbling in her sleep. But I figured she told me that to remind me not to text that early. Since ducks flying overhead is not really newsworthy, lol. She said when she woke up she realized ducks were flying over made the people babbling noise in her sleep and not my text sound. She will often wrap details up inside other stories to make a point. So I figured it was the texting and waking her up was the message she was sending. Noted. Don’t text before 8. And George wonders why I analyze everything. lol. I’m always trying to catch the secret meanings of what’s behind door number 3. Wasn’t that a game show? I think my life has been some kind of game show in itself.

We are looking forward to tomorrow – a complete day of doing things we need to do here. So many things to do to stay afloat. I suppose I will do a blog entry at some point this weekend.

I’ll be focused on finishing the sun room, finding my summer clothes – mainly PJ’s. I have to make sure George didn’t send them to Mom’s so it’s worth finding them a week early as I”ll want them next week. My one consolation is that if these are missing – he’ll have to bite the bullet and I’ll get all new summer PJ’s, shoes, and purses, lol. So I am no longer dreading not finding them. If they are missing I shall shop! But there’s been too many times I go to find my stuff and it’s missing, only to have been sent to Mom’s. ::sigh::

We have a lot we want to do to be put on the schedule. So it happens. If you don’t get it scheduled it doesn’t happen. So time to plan. Also need to do some shopping for my filing cabinet in here, organize the office back, work on my video, do our laundry, set up the puzzle table, work on some goals, clean the house, plan our easter meal and next week. Try to see what patio table Mom wants to order and what cabinet she wants to order for her laundry room. I don’t have time to shop for myself other than Amazon so unless we do something on a Sunday now that we do church, or after work, then it will just have to be done online. There is no extra time to gallavort about everywhere shopping for things. I invented a new word, lol. I lost that luxury long before Mom joined the picture.

Anyway, I’m going to go style hair. It’s casual day today and I’m wearing jeans and a sweat shirt. I have a lot going on at work. Deep into quarter end. I was ahead but something happened in the system that caused us not to balance on the reconciliation. I’ve looked for it for over a week. Finally had to have help as I often do not know where to look or what reports to compare. My boss has been doing it so long she can walk in and know what reports to pull. I learn more every time. I got further this time than last time. But now I’m needing to work on withholding returns for each state and also unemployment returns. So just a lot to do and next week the month will be half over and it’s a shorter week and a holiday week so more to do there. I don’t want to have to work a Saturday so I’m going to have to figure out how to get everything done. I’m having to leave on so many days on time so I get to doc appointments, self care appts, and dinners at Mom’s or elsewhere, so it’s hard to stay late. I don’t want to give up my morning time either. I already give up Tuesdays, lol. ::sigh:: It’s always hard trying to fit everything into these windows of time we have.

And truly the last week, I’ve just been exhausted by nightfall. It seems about 8:30 at night I feel almost faint and washed out. The energy just completely falls and I’m so wiped out I have no choice but to fall into bed. And that I do.

Life is certainly full. Much like the bobble head turtle – we’ll get things done, and find ourselves, but it’s a slow go. We will sit and bobble our heads and figure it out. lol

What are you wanting to do this weekend?