Less Hustle More Coffee

We tried to go to Leon’s Deli in Mount Juliet Friday night only to be disappointed that they close at 4:00. So we ended up going to Smiley Thai (and spending way more) but George got his sushi bowl in and I got my yellow curry chicken which is like comfort food to me. Theirs is so good. This is a favorited place in our area, but it was early at 5:30 ish and the parking lot was already full. Had it been later we’d have probably gone somewhere else. We got in with only a 15 minute wait.

Saturday morning. Mom and I went to IHOP as she had a gift card. It was for $15 and so I just put the rest of it on my card. I was shocked that the rest was $33, lol, b/c mine was only $16 but I guess it’s tax and tip on both of our plates plus drinks. Mom just doesn’t need to spend that much going out right now. It’s just so expensive to eat out anywhere now.

I got the cali Melt with turkey and got the protein pancakes with blueberry and lemon cream as a side, lol. I was originally going to get breakfast with bacon and eggs but didn’t.

After IHOP we went to the Dollar Tree as Mom and I needed some things. Half way through I remembered I needed to be buying stuff for the MAGI box. So I had go back through looking for things for a 5-7 year old girl.

I think it turned out cute. Everything fit and it was perfect. Then we went to Lowe’s only she was too tired out at that point so she just pointed at some pink petunias. And got three plants for her porch. And I went in and got her gorilla glue. And then took her home.

George fixed us a nice salmon dinner with the most awesome homemade lobster salad as a side. I really like a green with a meal so we had peas.

We watched a movie and headed to bed. Six a.m. came early and church time. We picked Mom up. She had clothes on the counter she’d ordered from Walmart. She wanted me to return. But there was nothing on them that said Walmart on it and it had other companies names on the sack. I told her I didn’t think they would take this back in the store if there wasn’t a receipt. Instead of just calmly responding, she wrinkled up her face in an anger grimace as she looked at me and yelled, THAT’S ALL I GOT!!!!!!

I said “that is fine but don’t yell at me as it is not worth yelling over”. I’m thinking how stupid that was as if it were a bigger thing would it have BEEN worth yelling over? NO!

She then really messed up by saying “When you won’t do what I tell you to, I have to yell at you!” So now she’s done it. She made George mad. Well first of all I’m used to being treated harshly (it’s why my sister won’t be around her), but since I’m an adult, I no longer have to tolerate it. But she usually won’t yell at me in front of George. She puts on a good front, but I guess she is starting to get bold in front of him. I always have him in the room when we talk on the phone.

I was shaking yesterday in this conversation as it triggers memories from childhood and the adrenaline (fight or flight) starts to come in.

George let it go til we got home and he said it made him so mad he thought about it all during church and he almost made her apologize or he was taking her home and almost told her not to speak to his wife that way. But he kept out of it.

I’m trying to teach her to be nice to people and not raise her voice. I had to learn to unlearn that behavior myself as it was a learned behavior from her.

Anyway on the way to the car I told her, “no you yelled at me because I had an opinion that you did not want to hear”. She said I didn’t listen and yelled at her and wasn’t nice. I wasn’t letting it go. I had to let it go as a child, but I was calling her on her behavior and letting her know how I wanted to be treated. She needs to see the truth. As a narcissist she won’t accept that about herself as it’s too painful. She is never wrong in her eyes.

So I asked her when I yelled and what I yelled. She had nothing. I told her that yelling at someone and someone giving their thoughts or opinion is not yelling and someone having a differing opinion than hers is not wrong, is not being ugly, and it’s ok that people think differently or has a differing look at something than she does. I’m not an enemy just because I have an opinion or say something she doesn’t agree with.

Anyway, as she got in the car she couldn’t get the seat buckled and kept saying “shit” as we left the driveway for church. Of course that is my favorite curse word too. Guess where I learned it from. So I have to try not to say that when I drop something or something happens. It’s daily battle for me and apparently it’s one she clings to.

I like to document these conversations b/c it is helpful for me to 1) purge 2) understand what is going on and 3) be able to remember the details if I ever have to 4) It might help someone else and 5) someone might can help ME. At this point I don’t care who reads it. It’s fact. It happened and even if Mom reads it, then I would just encourage her to not act that way so I could report all the good things she does in the next blog and how nice she was.

I remember in school they told us to act in a day how we’d want it to be reported on the news the next day.

She is able to just immediately get over these conversations. I’m not ok with that behavior and so I don’t. I am no longer a child of hers as I’m an adult and she still tries to treat me like she is “in charge” of me. But this in return makes me not want to spend time with her. I get her what she needs and then I leave. She is lucky I have not totally abandoned her like my sister. And at times, I think she is getting very close because after yesterday, I’m just reminded at how much I’m just almost “done” dealing with the behavior. She had been good for so long. She even handled Texas well this time, but for whatever reason yesterday she was in a bad mood as she didn’t like what I told her and then showed her behind.

So in Sunday School she talked a lot in class, about how we should be in Christianity. And I was thinking if I could replay that scene, lol. I think my eyes rolled back in my head so far they almost got stuck. Our class and church has talked a lot about forgiveness. I wanted to say “what do you do when a person just keeps on”. I know you are supposed to keep forgiving, but I mean good grief. I’m not a doormat. I’m not a child. I don’t want to be yelled at. I keep giving boundaries and calling it out but at what point do you just go “I don’t have to be subject to this ever again?”

But after church I asked her if a sub sandwich would be ok or if she wanted something else. She said Wendy’s. George said he wanted a sub and of course that put me in the middle. Normally I’d probably have let Mom had her way because she can’t drive and get what she wants during the week, but since she was ugly to me I just said “well let’s do Sub and do Wendy’s next week”. So anyway. I hate being in the middle so the best acting person gets rewarded!

Here’s a pic of the knock out roses and the above pic is my Firehouse sandwich. It was good.

After church I had a world of things to do. I started in on the laundry and cleaned a bit. Then decided to work on videos to “clear my mind” of negativity and have some “joy” instead. I got most of the video finished actually. I also changed my sheets and put on the old bedspread as I clean the newer one. But the old one still looks good! Maddie looks cute among those colors.

It made me feel good to refresh my calming space.

Ironically I’m about to read this book. Because Sandy was captain of the Below Deck crew. I read Captain Lee’s book too. But I no longer watch Below Deck. It turned raunchy over the years and more geared toward young love, sex, and who hooked up with who in the crew cabins, and debauchery and drunkenness on their nights into town clubbing. I enjoyed watching them set up for the meals and the guests and seeing how they did things, how they decorated the tables, seeing ports, and all that, but I quit watching it because the focus seemed to turn on all the wrong things. But I did like how Sandy was captain and thought she was fair. It’s a leadership book and I probably don’t care about that part but I want to hear her stories.

So we had omelettes for dinner along with leftover pasta salad.

I am excited that I can vlog again this Saturday. I’m about to catch up now and I’m ok with just having a couple of weeks out. But I had to stop vlogging so the “vlog show” could play out with March coverage. I haven’t filmed in April yet so I could catch up. I’ll just start back again with the Saturday. So I’m working on the car video for this Saturday and then the Porch video for the Saturday after that. And then we’ll be able to do more current videos.

My goal is for them to be shorter. I’ve crammed a lot of March footage into longer videos. But I’ve got to work on quality of the picture and also shorter videos.

Anyway, got to get ready for work. Running behind. I always do when I blog.

My heart hurts that we had the trouble yesterday at Mom’s. I wish I could fix it. But she is highly critical, easy to anger, and doesn’t like it when anyone has a differing opinion than hers. I am very sensitive, and very defensive – and determined not to allow it. I tense up when I have to be on guard around her for my own psyche. It’s not healthy. I have to get in and out as quickly as possible.

I like being home in my safe haven where things are peaceful, calm, and I can be me without being yelled at or someone raising their voice at me because I have my own thoughts.

Gotta go to work. But I realize how fast this year is going now and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. :-). I won’t have to endure this rat race too much longer as this year is zooming by like they all do.

We are also thinking of selling this house and having a smaller place in both TX and here to go back and forth in. Or perhaps we’ll just move on to Texas completely. Trying to decide.