Whirlwind Weekend, Being Told Every Move to Make, and Needing Rest

The peonies have been beautiful. I have not had “time to smell the roses” and enjoy them. It’s been a quick flash of “oh look something bloomed”! So I will share flowers and random pics of the last few days here among my words.

Saturday was a quick but wonderful trip out to the Cool Springs area. Mainly because we had a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory. I mean that is how we do things. We have ONE thing that causes us to go a direction and we build the day across that in our excursions. Kinda like decorating a room around a special piece of decor, lol.

So we like to start around lunch and we made plans to go to YAT’s. I looked up about three places that looked good that were not overly expensive that we had never been to and asked George if he would like to try them. He picked Yats! We had told our good friends that live in the area that we would be out their way if they wanted to join us in any of our activities. So they joined us.

At Yat’s you can order half n half! That way you get to try two as it’s hard to decide. I got the Drunken Chicken and the Sausage with Red Beans and Rice. I did not eat all of my rice. This was great! I enjoyed it very much. Their lights were interesting and the food was quick. So its a quick service.

Afterwards we headed to grab a beer with our friends at a nearby brewery only to find it was closed. So we went to another ale house nearby called Brewhouse South. It was a special time to get to see our friends for a extra round of catching up. We were not ready to say good bye yet. And it was a blessing to see them all. And even Miss J who had flown in from California. Bless her, she bought our beer. And friend Lisa told me about this beer that is mostly gluten free. On our side of town the gluten free is hard to find. But this one and Daura Damm have big flavors but not the heaviness that the other ones have. I liked this a LOT. We spent a long while there at the place catching up. I only had the one in case you were wondering. Although Lisa topped me off once when she didn’t want all of hers.

Then George and I went to Gabe’s and shopped. It’s a discount store. I never buy much in there but I always find something. It’s fun to shop. It’s about the search. I bought a $4 shirt to wear with pajama bottoms, and I bought some hand soap. And a new pillow. They had good brands for “real cheap”, including memory foam.

Before I knew it we were ready for our reservations at 5:45. We checked in but George left his phone in the car so we missed our reservation call when they called for us – even though we were standing right next to the hostess desk. lol. When others behind us began being seated I asked George if he had his phone. “No, it’s in the car”.

“Then how are they to reach us?” George had made the reservations. He is used to me doing it and giving them my number. Or really just used to them calling “Cox, party of two”. So we inquired and they had called us, but they seated us anyway without further delay. We sat at a two seater (Mom would have hated it and complained). lol But it was plenty of room there. We had a pleasant meal. And iced tea was my drink of choice, lol. Our food was devine! The steak medallion dinner was out of this world.

Afterwards we went to Sprout’s, a grocery store we had not been to. We only had 30 min to shop as it was 8:30 when we got there. Shocked at how long the Cheesecake Factory took. But we wanted to go so we kinda rushed through. Thankfully it was a smaller store and not as big as a Kroger. We loved Sprout’s. A lot of healthy choices and much of it organic. We were just in love! But at the check out with not even a heaping amount in our buggy, it was nearly $200. Sticker shock. We bought lots of new things and some fresh things for the week. Our Hello Fresh doesn’t start til next week. I had storm warnings on my phone for our home area but was glad we shopped as it was no longer raining when we got home. It was totally clear on the other side of town.

We got home past bed time. I still think it was 10:30 when I finally laid my head on the pillow. And wake up time came much too soon. I was shocked to realize I’d only truly got 5.5 hours sleep. I think I tossed and turned some.

My body was feeling the tired crunch Sunday but we got up and took Mom to church and brought her a cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. (We also bought us one which I ate bites of Saturday night before bed and Sunday afternoon).

After church we went to a new subway shop near Mom’s. Jersey Mike’s. Their sandwiches are good. They only have subs that I saw. I didn’t see a wrap or a salad. But their rosemary parmesan bread was really good and seemed fresh. We had a little trouble inside ordering. Mom had given me money to order hers and then George and I were to be on a separate ticket. So I was trying to give them a name for Mom’s order and ours a separate name so it would not be confused. George interrupted/corrected me and told them to just put it under one name. That was his first mistake. lol

So at the check out they rang up Mom’s order and my sandwich. I knew it was going to happen, as George had changed the name and made them do it as one. I’m sure he was trying to make it simple for them but it really only confused them.

We had told the guy it was two separate orders when we ordered but down the way where they ring it up, they didn’t know as it was all under one name. So when she only gave me $4 back from Mom’s $20, I knew that they had overcharged us. I asked where the rest was as it was just one sandwich. They said “oh you didn’t tell us”. I said “well we told the guy when we placed our order”. (But since it was under one name, she wouldn’t have known.) She said “ok I’ll correct it”.

As she started to correct it George said “don’t worry about it. We will settle it up b/w us.” He was trying to make it easier for them. But I wanted them to make it right for Mom so I could give her back her correct change. I said “I don’t have change George let’s just let them make it right for Mom.” He said he said “no” that he would take care of it and pay her back.

I left to get in the car as everything I said was overridden and corrected and then I was told to move out of the way by George. So I just said “well I see you have everything in control, I’m going to the car”. I was embarrassed at being treated like a child, not like an adult that is trying to fix a problem. People were starting to stare. I am not sure if they were staring at me for the confusion of our order or staring at George for being patronizing and adversarial. But he wanted to correct everything I tried to say so I let him finish up the order and bring it out.

When I recalled the incident to Mom after short changing her for her sandwich and trying to explain what happened and why she only has very little change back, George didn’t want me to tell the story by saying “it’s all in control” twice. He wouldn’t let me speak. I called him on it. I told him that I get to have a voice and speak from time to time and if I want to tell Mom what happened I most certainly will. He retorted by saying we could just go to lunch by ourselves next time. I said “fine if you want to draw that boundary for yourself, go ahead”. So I guess he will begin taking a separate car. And if that means that I can order without such pandemonium and being corrected every time I speak, hey – I’m up for that. I just know that I don’t want to be shushed, overridden, and contradicted at every word that comes out of my mouth. It’s very frustrating and not appropriate and I will refuse to tolerate that on my end either. Everyone has to have “their way”. And I give it to them a lot to avoid confrontation. This is just a good example. I may have a few boundaries of my own to settle. We may need to have some serious conversation if that ever happens again!

Of course with all my manipulation and narcissist training, I have been trying not to let people get to me. It’s a curve you have to go around. I’m not saying George is a narcissist, but I do think that some of the 5 people I am around the most have narcissistic tendencies (possibly even myself) or perhaps we are just all very individualistic, selfish, and opinionated and we all like to call the shots and have things our way. So much so that it creates confusion – such as above when three people have three different ways they want to do something. But I have to learn to let people know how I want to be treated. Just because someone wants to do something their way doesn’t mean they should demand to have it their way. It’s really ok for Sonya to get to decide how something should be done too.

I think I did well yesterday. I left the scene so I would not cause one! Or I’d have given boundaries right there in a the restaurant for all lol. He is lucky I didn’t scold him on the spot and embarrass him as much as I was already embarrassed for being patronized, corrected, and interrupted, and overruled by Every. Little. Thing. I. Tried to do and say in the deli which continued in the car. SMH.

So we got to Mom’s and I’m trying to be calm and I choose to just be quiet and helpful so that we can eat and get home and move past it all. So I start to take our sandwiches outside to be helpful. And I was told not to do that we’d fix our plates inside. My every move is always being watched by someone yesterday it seemed. I could do no right by anyone. I told Mom “however you want to do it”. I think at that point I was just thinking “Lord I can’t do anything right by these people today that just want to control every move I make.”

I guess it just gets tiring being around so many people that are so opinionated and have to do things their way – every little thing – it gets so tiring. Can I just make a decision on my own puhhhhlease? It may be little things but it seemed all morning long no matter what I tried to do or say it was getting corrected or needed to be done a different way. Mom said “Sonya” —and then stopped. And it’s a good thing she did as I’d have probably left and gone home if she’d said another word. I’d had enough of being told what to do and how to do it. I told her “hey – I said however you want to do it. I’m agreeing with you – take it!”

I’m surprised someone didn’t barge into the bathroom and explain to me how they wanted me to tear the paper off the roll and wipe my butt. Sorry, TMI, but that is how I feel. I can’t move without someone trying to correct every move or telling me what to do. “Lock this, close that, open this, put that here, where’s this, you are walking too fast, no do it this way, put it here, sit here, let’s do this, let’s do that”.

I think I just need Calgon to come take me away. And I’m laughing because as I typed that it changed to Calvin instead of Calgon. I’m like who is Calvin? If he can let me be my own person and treat me nicely I might go with him! Just kidding, but gosh. What a day.

Bottom line is I think I’m just overly tired and stretched too thin and quite frankly just had enough of everyone. I’m not getting any time to myself to rejuvenate and likely not getting any rest. So guess what? This is what you get. You get your way most of the time still but I’m coming out of my skin to call you on it when I’m tired. It is true that I usually let everyone around me have their way. Give me a tired moment and let me have my way once please?

So we ate sandwiches on the patio which I’d been looking forward to. We did it Mom’s way and fixed our plate on the counter. I don’t see as it made much difference. I ended up having to carry the fixed plates to the patio, lol. So it wasn’t easier for me but if was easier for everyone else that is fine. But whatever.

So bottom line? Did George settle up with Mom? No he didn’t have change and I didn’t either. I told him so in the deli. But he had to have his way. Everyone has to have their way. So I let them. Now Mom has been short changed. I was just trying to make it right for her. George was trying to not have the place go to so much trouble. So we were both right except for his treatment of me and shushing me aside and overriding every little thing I tried to say. He should have just let it go. Instead I did. Arghhh. I hate situations like this. It was embarrassing for all. But bottom line the problems is now ours to fix. Well his. And I’m going to let him fix it as he is the one that owes her – not me. He overruled me.

I’m not going to hold a grudge over this incident. I’m going to let it go. I’m just venting. It’s just one of those things that happens in marriage and relationships. But I may need to set some boundaries about not being interrupted when I am talking, handling a transaction, or ordering. If I’m truly doing something wrong it’s one thing. But it made it confusing for everyone. There is more than one way to skin a rabbit but no need to try to skin it three ways at once.

The tribe has spoken.

Coming back home, I had about three or four days of stuff to do. I did not get it all done. I had laundry to do, ironing to do, kitchen to clean, dishwasher to reboot, dishes to wash. Work bag to pack for the week, vitamin/med pack to fill up for the week. I had my colonoscopy instructions to read so I’d know what all I can’t take this week as far as supplements. But I did take time to consolidate all the notes, thoughts, ideas, and to do’s that had accumulated across my desk for the past month.

I still did not get finished blogging today but I am already running behind. There is still way too much on my to do list for the week. Grad cards need to be mailed, we need to get to the bank, still haven’t worked on the cable, haven’t finished the dog applications (the ones I was doing, George finished his). I did get some dusting done though, Yay and changed George’s sheets. I have to go to Publix and pick up Rx and get groceries that Sprouts didn’t have.

I’m actually looking forward to the Colonoscopy to get a day at home. I still have to go have the procedure so it’s not a true day at home but at least I’ll have some down time to rest and/or do things I want to do that allow you to sit and do it. It’s so frustrating to fight with my time. Even now I’m probably late to work. And will have to work over to make it up. Always robbing Peter to pay Paul with time. Arghhhhhh! I was going to work on the schedule yesterday and figure a few things out, but I didn’t have time. How ironic.

Two Busy Days, Three Misunderstandings, and a Few Surprises

The picture above is what my heart feels like when I get the rare day off to work on all the things I need and want to be working on at home. My heart sings with glee. And coffee. Even if only for a few minutes.

Friday

Friday I worked til 11:30 and did what I could for quarter end. Made some pretty good progress across last week with catching up and getting month end almost finished. I’m sure I lost ground a bit Friday by leaving early. So I drove to Lebanon to get Mom. She had on a top with black in it and navy pants. I asked if she meant to wear navy or black pants and she said black. So she changed into black pants. It’s hard to see the difference in black and navy as you grow older. I often have an issue with that as far as my socks go. Then we went on Hendersonville to the eye doctor so she can get her shot. And then we ate in Hendersonville afterward at Lincoya for a mid afternoon “linner”. A cross b/w lunch and dinner, lol.

Chicken Park at Lincoya, Hendersonville, TN
Cute Restaurant Decor at Lincoya, Hendersonville, TN

Mom got a burger and I got the chicken parmesan. It was so good. Then we went thru Dutch Bros and I got some iced coffee as I’d not had caffeine and after the meal I was very sleepy. I ended up getting an iced coffee, and it was pretty good, but I’d have been better off with the hot black coffee.

I took Mom home and we got her mail and then I stayed over there for a few minutes and caught up on email, blog comments, orders I’d placed, texts, and checked Instagram from River Roo updates. It was nice to just sit in the recliner and do that. Mom had said that George would need to come over the next day and check a fuse box or switch as she had an outlet that was tripped. I asked if it was something I could do or look at and she said no that George would have to do it.

I came home and was not hungry for dinner with George so we watched one of our shows and I fixed pop corn around 8:30 as I was getting hungry for something. Then headed to bed around 9:30 or 10:00.

Saturday

I had set my alarm for 6:00 so I got up fixed coffee, showered, and got ready. George got up and had just enough time for coffee and a shower as well. I was able to gather up some clothes and put them in the laundry but didn’t start it yet as he was showering. And I had just enough time to get in a Target order as I needed to order some make up items and laundry items. I never had my make up colors with me at the store and also Target has my face wipes, and I was out. So checked that off the list.

We left and got to Mom’s just before 8:00 and George checked the fuse box but nothing seemed amiss. The switch on the electrical outlet just needed to have the “reset” button pushed. So he did that and it began working again. On the way to the dog spa, Mom exclaimed how she just loved her little house. It made my heart just melt. I was so happy to hear those words.

Then we took Fancy and dropped her off at the doggie spa. I made reservation for Fancy at 7 weeks out because I couldn’t remember if it was 6 weeks or 8 weeks that we went. When I got to the car Mom said to change it and make it 6 weeks instead of 7. (Insert favorite eye roll emoji here, lol).

Then we went to eat breakfast at First Watch. It was so incredibly good. It was nice and relaxing. At first they wanted to put us at the front door table and I told the hostess we’d wait for a table toward the back b/c it was a cold morning and I didn’t want our breakfast time to be ruined by freezing and being right at the front where people came and went. It was worth the extra three minutes. 😉 I was glad I spoke up as it would have been miserable up there by the door – when you eat out you also pay for an experience and that was not the aura (freezing and people brushing by) that I wanted, lol. And I knew Mom would be miserable and then we would all be.

First Watch Classic Breakfast with Bacon
Sorry guys at the table next door, but I wanted a pic of the restaurant, lol
Napkin Wrapper at First Watch

George gave me his napkin wrapper that said “I love you more than Bacon”. lol I’m so glad. That is something to be honored because Bacon is special. Too bad he didn’t have this to give on our wedding day. lol

After Breakfast we took Mom to the bank to cash a check and make a deposit. As George drove off she said we may have to go back as they didn’t give her all the money. She had me count it but it was all there. I was so afraid we’d have to go back and there would be an encounter with the bank but luckily all was fine and everything was done as she had requested. Just temporary confusion.

After that we dropped George off at the house. He had things he wanted to do and he went to the store for he and I. I had to give him my list while we were at the restaurant.

Temporary Landslide of Conversation

So then Mom and I headed off to the furniture store. In the process Mom began talking about how she was going to arrange her furniture in the den to hold more people. She said she reckoned my sister and her family would never come to see her so she would not need as many seats if all was there at once.

I told her “probably not and honestly Mom I just try not to think about her as it makes me sin to do so”. She asked what that meant. I said that it makes me mad that she is not there to help at least some. I guess it made Mom mad when I said that and she said “well I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you”. Then that made me mad then and I told her that my not wanting to sin against my sister had absolutely zero to do about her being a burden but that it had everything to do with my sister giving some of her beach time to lend a hand with her mother here and there. I told her “seeeeeee, this is why I chose to clear my mind of her because I don’t want to be judgmental or be angry or think bad of her and the only way I can do it is to just not think of her.” (Otherwise I go there and think of all that is happened and it hardens my heart and makes me angry as I remember all the ugly texts I received and hurt I went through, not to mention her not letting Mom see the grandkids much and having them withdrawn from her life almost completely. It just all starts to get a foothold if I let it. The ONLY way I don’t go there is if I let the thought come and go try not to think about it all so that I can forgive. I can understand drawing boundaries but I can’t understand the complete cruelty of the withdrawal and I often am overwhelmed by the remembrance of the ugly texts I received early on. There is so much I don’t understand. That I will likely never understand so I’ve tried to understand all I can and just try not to think about her anymore because it hurts too much.)

Anyway that is when Mom said again she should have just stayed in Columbia. I said “do you know how that makes me feel? (after all we did the last year and still do – it makes me feel like it was all for nothing). And I said “and then what would have happened?” She said “I guess the move would have had to have happened eventually.” I said “yes, b/c we were not quitting our jobs and moving down there and there’s nobody left that can do things for you there”.

During the conversation I missed my turn off for I-40 and had to turn around. I told her that these conversations upset me because I know that conversations with her escalate very quickly and I showed her how my hands were shaking. It was just the same type of conversation that ended my Mom’s and Sister’s relationship. It was a discussion about “time” and “doing things for Mom”. And in that part I’m very forgiving of my sister because I had ten more years of erupting conversations than she did.

Sooooooo many conversations went awry with yelling through the years and so it makes me so nervous that I walked on egg shells around her most of my life. So I was shaking yesterday so badly. These experiences are the dark side of life that we are not proud of and ashamed of because we spend time wondering what it is we’ve done so wrong to deserve it. It can mess you up. It also makes you look for acceptance in other ways. Like this blog.

But back to my sister, It’s just the intentional decision to not help Mom in anyway that I ended up having a harder time forgiving. I get the not wanting to be around drama and yelling and raised voices. But to me, it’s the “leaving someone for dead” that can’t help themselves that gets me. So I try not to ponder my sister. I try not to think about these bad scenes that have occurred across my life and made such and impression on me. I try to forget them and go on. I try to understand what might cause Mom to react in such a way. Sometimes maybe fear. I always really just concluded that it was just her wanting to have her way or wanting to control things. But one really doesn’t know as we often shove these bad times under the rug. I don’t like conflict and I don’t do well being yelled at. I will either shrink like a bug under the rug and hideout, or I will come out screaming like a wild Indian for my side to be heard. You never know, I was taught the one way to react but having learn the other. And it is not easy as we tend to follow the behavior we’ve been modeled. Fact.

So back to our conversation. Boundaries set.

I explained to Mom that I wanted to make it very clear that I don’t mind helping her and that I enjoy a lot of it that we do, but what I can’t do is give my entire spare time over to her as I have to live my life too. I also told her I could not even give her 50% of my spare time. But she needed to understand I don’t mind helping but I do mind giving her most of my spare time. So at least that part was said as I’ve been struggling, as you know with trying to find balance and figure out what God wants me to do and all that.

Finally I got turned around and on I-40 toward the furniture store, hands shaking. I really like it when George is with us so these conversations don’t happen. She is less likely to open cans of worms when he is with us. There is just too much fuel from the past (most of which I have not shared and likely will not) and it ignites so quickly. We know each others ways so well. My nerves were rattled. But I was less shaky as we arrived at the Furniture store. I knew her focus would be on getting her furniture at that point. And “the sister” and “the move” would be back under the table to fester for later.

I was so happy to hear she was finally happy at her place early in the day, but I should have known the opposite would come out later and did with her wishing she had not moved – which I think was after I said I wished my sister would help. By that I think I saw quickly that she doesn’t realize how little time we have but I already knew that. She didn’t work FT much or have a commute so it’s clear that she doesn’t have a concept of how much or little time we have off. Instead of understanding it’s easier to just say “I’m sorry I’m such a burden”. And I guess that is a guilt tactic, I don’t know. I know she doesn’t even realize what she is doing when she says things like that, but I think it’s more of a way to protect herself than to try and understand where I’m coming from. It’s pointless to come to an understanding of each other’s feelings so I just try to avoid these kinds of conversations as they cannot be had calmly.

When Mom feels she is being misunderstood she raises her voice. I do that too as I learned from her. And I’ve had to try to unlearn that. Especially at work and in my marriage. George knows I’ve tried and I think he respects that. He knows what pushes my buttons and even though I try, when I’m tired or pushed to the edge, I often will revert back to old behaviors, defense mechanisms, and angry responses.

I do understand the angry responses come from a lack of properly being able to express oneself and be understood. Where Mom often gets angry if you don’t agree with her, I have been trying to at least understand that others have an opinion. But I’m going down a rabbit hole with these things.

The conversation we had today was simply a basic few words but for each of us it had separate deeply rooted feelings which like a volcano can erupt. At this point in my life, I don’t mind writing about it because 1) I need to try and understand it myself and writing it out helps 2) Perhaps it can help someone else working through similar issues 3) I love Mom and she cared for me, fed me, and kept me safe growing up and gave me wonderful meals and Christmas holidays so I am not having a bash session here, just an honest one. 4) Every family has issues and no one talks about it but we should so we can all begin to heal or try to make it better somehow 5) If you don’t want to be on the news or blog tomorrow, be nice today, lol. 6) I know on the flip side I’m being talked about – as none of us has a therapist – we wouldn’t speak to one another at all if we did because we would “boundary” each other out by now. 7) I need to be able to be heard and this is the best way for me to express it – I’m not even sure I understand the dynamics myself. So I’m grasping at straws here.

George says I overthink too much, but that is coming from someone who analyzes everything. lol I’m trying to learn to live with face value but it’s hard to do when you know there are ice burgs under the surface – or volcanos, as mentioned.

Furniture Store

As we arrived at Smith Furniture, Mom said “Now is this Ashley?”

“No Mom it’s Smith”.

“Oh I thought we were going to Ashley first”.

“Earlier in our conversation I thought you wanted to see what Smith wanted and if they didn’t have what you needed you can go back to Ashley.”

“Well this is ok”

“Good because we are hear now and Ashley is in the area where we just came from”.

Smith Furniture Store, Lebanon, TN

(Insert sound of angels singing here and light shining from heaven above). Mom found her furniture. She went with the old fashioned handle on the recliners. She said that it is annoying when the electricity goes off or gets disconnected. She certainly didn’t want anything with lots of buttons as I think she really can’t see them anyway. These were comfortable. She has ordered two of these for her living room. Mainly as she has a corner with an antique bookshelf on it so a smaller love seat fits better. The downside is that they only had one and they are delivering that Monday. The second one will take 6 to 8 months to come in. And it is on order. But I encouraged her to take what she liked because it’s going to be the same just about anywhere. It doesn’t have electrical components so I told her it might come in a little quicker. But who knows, at least she will have the newer piece for herself to sit on and it’s easier for her to get in and out of.

She was VERY excited. And I’m excited for her. It will look very nice in her place. Her place is coming together beautifully. It’s very pretty.

So Fancy was not ready yet, so we stopped at KFC to get tea with lemon and they didn’t have lemon and gave us a little bit of lemonade in it. At the window the lady said “it’s me today ladies, you two have a great day”. So we gave her a tip of two dollars and told her it was for her personal tip jar. That was so nice.

We went to look at patio furniture at a second hand place and they were just not useable. Very worn. And so Mom wanted to check things out at Big Lots. So we drove to the edge of Hermitage to go there and check things out. Lots of traffic and people out. But we got a good parking spot and walked in. I enjoyed myself after we looked at their patio furniture. Nothing would work – either too big or not made well. I encouraged her to wait.

While I was shopping (found 3 tops there as they had more clothes) Fancy’s spa called and Fancy was ready so I had to rush through the store and then get checked out.

We went to pick up Fancy who was glad to see us and just looked so pretty. She needed a trim badly. I was able to get the date changed to 6 weeks instead of 7 for the trim.

And then we headed for Publix. Fancy was very unsettled and we decided she might have to potty so I found a spot to take her near Publix. It was kinda hard to get out of though because of traffic. Mom sat in the car and held Fancy while I did her shopping. She really wanted to go in but Publix was on the way to her house. And afterwards Mom wanted KFC.

So after running through Publix I got the groceries and then put them in the car and we headed to KFC. We got a bucket so Mom would have leftovers for tomorrow.

Oh no!

When we got to her house as I was unloading everything Mom began putting things in the Fridge and as I brought in another load she said “Sonya my fridge is not working!”

I immediately went to a negative attitude as I was tired and we were just bringing in a lot of fresh groceries. I said “oh my gosh I cannot win for losing”. I mean if you were me, would you not have said something similar at that point? lol

So I said “let me check the breaker” and guess what I fixed it! I who am labeled as “can’t do anything without George” fixed it! Go me! lol To be fair, I think we both were surprised. And to not offend those who say I can’t do anything, I often claim that label myself, so no worries – just keep on saying it – I’ll either prove you wrong or prove you right. Doesn’t matter anyway!

I texted George to let him know that we ate a really late lunch as we got done about 4 or so and that I was not hungry. He had been planning on fixing salmon for us.

Contaminated Beer and a YouTube Misunderstanding

After eating and putting up the chicken and dishes, I headed back home. I was too tired to settle in with anything on my list. I gave myself a break and sat and the recliner with a cold beer which I chose to pour in a glass. I took a few sips and had tiny sticks in my mouth. I thought the beer was contaminated. I got up and the glass I poured it in had rosemary in it. I had gotten in from the (supposedly) clean cabinet. But a man mostly runs the kitchen. I mean this is the guy who when he was a kid, fed the dog, let the dog lick the spoon, and put the spoon back in the drawer. This is the guy who fixed dinner for me when dating, spilled the salad on the floor, scooped it up and put it back in the bowl. Later – much later – admitted he had done that after I had mentioned – also much later -how that salad had hair and everything in it. lol

So I got up and got another non-rosemary glass after careful inspection and began watching some YouTube shows. The cat soon came and relaxed with me.

While watching my shows, I realized I was no longer subscribed to Keep Your Daydream. I am not sure how that happened. It bothered me. Had I accidentally unsubscribed – no I’m not on that screen usually. Had they kicked me off? Maybe. There was someone that I accidentally hit the dislike button instead of like on my phone as my finger is too big for the texts and icons and I totally missed it. I corrected it immediately but I had to wonder if YouTube hadn’t reported the alert anyway as it did happen even though I corrected it. I would never purposely give anyone a dislike on there and certainly not my heroes at Keep Your Daydream. It really bothered me the rest of the day thinking they probably kicked me off. I resubscribed and felt so bad. My intention is only to encourage and I cringed at the thought that I might have created bad will in any form. I wanted to text them but chose not to because after all I wasn’t totally sure they had kicked me off. I suppose I could have unsubscribed unknowingly but I figured they were the ones I accidentally hit dislike on.

Yet a Third Misunderstanding

George failed to read his text and so got up to make dinner. I asked him what he was having. He said I am having the salmon we have talked about all weekend. I thought he might eat something different since I wasn’t eating. He said “you are not eating?” No did you not read my text? I already had dinner.

He said “we’ve been planning on eating salmon”. I said “I’m sorry it is just the way it ended up”. We were not hungry for lunch at lunch time but by 3 we were but we didn’t get a chance to eat it at 4 because of putting groceries and the fridge dilemma. He was disappointed but I was not going to stuff myself and eat twice. I was kinda hungry by 9:30 when I went to bed but I didn’t eat anything – I just drank water. My first though again was how difficult it was to please everyone in my life even though there really only George and Mom and me most of the time, lol lol lol. So I let it go. I texted him but I can’t help it if he didn’t read the text. He kept saying how we planned to eat salmon but things and circumstances changed and I let him know as soon as it did. But he didn’t check his phone so he didn’t know. I did my part and I did the best I could.

My To Do Lists Today

And here is the rest of it……..I cropped out the top part and it made it bigger, lol.

In review, All I can suggest is that for those that don’t understand, try better to. And I will do with same. I’m trying. I have been trying. I think it’s really all I ever wanted, was be understood. It’s so hard to have happen these days as our past experiences seem to define a lot of what we have learned and understood from the past. So while we try to have a new prospective on a new day, it often leans back on what we’d already learned from before. Deep stuff I know. We each have a lot of history and baggage as we age and while our psyches need to have protection we still have to be able to do that and not let down our guard too much. But we still have to try to let go of somethings and not weigh ourselves down and try let each day begin anew, with an open mind and what is hard for me, is an open heart. Mine has been stomped on and reconstructed and deflated and kicked around in so many ways. I wonder how I manage anything anymore but I get up trying again every day.

I am excited to have the day. A lot to cram in, but I’ve enjoyed it already being able to blog my heart out. So there you have the last two days. And much of my insides poured out. One day happiness will show up again. Til then I’m content to just lean on God and get there one day at time until I can finally reach bubble over stages with joy. But that might not come til I get a dog! 😉 Can a dog lead one out of a depression and funk? Honestly I’m kinda not even wanting to do anything anymore so that is my first sign of going into one. I’m teetering in and out of it. I need a dog.

Today I’ve probably said too much, but in a way it needs to be purged and said. I’ve kept so many things quiet in my life. I’ve shoved too many conversations and life experiences under the rug. I’m simply just wanting to live my life without conflict, without drama, do what God needs me to do and try to be happy from here and just let go. So I’m breathing today. Looking forward to tomorrow. And I need the dog.

Home Sweet Home, Surprise Stop for Sushi, and Czann’s Brewing Company in Nashville

Photo by Kelly L on Pexels.com

So we are home from our magical little trip. Sleep was good last night, and not near long enough. I’ve discovered that naturally my body seeks out about 9 to 10 hours of sleep now for some reason. When I’m off I normally sleep that much. So the 6.5 during the work week is why I’m so tired by mid-week I guess. I’m learning these things of late. I did not want to get up this morning at 4:20 and honestly – I didn’t. I set another alarm for 4:40 and that seemed like 2 seconds.

The drive home seemed long on the last half of the 6 hour journey. We had stopped to grab lunch at Wendy’s. And then as we approached Nashville, I reminded George “we are never on this side of town” and suggested that we go to Czann’s grab a beer and maybe hit Trader Joe’s for a few groceries for this week. He agreed and was totally up for that.

A lady at Czann’s told us about a good sushi restaurant called Sonobana. We were so full from the weekend and sushi was about the only thing that sounded good. Of course eating out with George is NEVER light. I ordered what I wanted to eat and then he ordered a lot of appetizers for the both of us and it was too much. I should have said no. lol But it was all so good.

Then we went to Trader Joe’s and brought home some healthy food for the week as well as some favorites that we like from there – like their tamales. They have beef tamales and also black bean tamales – like original ones that are frozen and taste so good and so freshly made. Anyway we are planning on eating foods that make you lose belly fat this week. My nudge challenge did ok but was blown out the window on our trip. lol

I snapped this while watching Dr. Berg on YouTube. He’s mainly Keto but has some really good lessons on eating. No I’m not taking Cod Liver Oil but I might buy the pill version. The hamburger listed here is hamburger steak. While red meat is not so good to eat all the time, once or twice a week is supposedly fine and this is a hamburger patty (not the hamburger on bread with toppings). I was shocked to read that too. I think we bought most of this but the sauerkraut and broccoli sprouts. I actually did buy nutritional yeast to sprinkle on things.

Oh, while waiting for a table at the restaurant we went to a little market next door and bought some asian foods. Oh well, you can’t see what we bought as the bottles are turned around but these are sauces and noodles for some Asian dishes that George likes to fix.

So it’s back at it this week. A full week with some catching up from last week. Most everything was done but a couple of things. And when I close payroll tomorrow it will be Month End/Quarter End so I will have a LOT TO DO over the next month. A lot of staying a bit later, not taking much time for lunch and maybe a few early days, but at least the days are lighter now so it won’t be dark.

I really haven’t glanced too much at the to do list yet. I wanted to enjoy a few days without thinking about a to do list. I know I have a few amazon orders to do, have a lot of laundry to do. I will resume with my video projects and get on with the clean up of the last one and will set up some files for the future ones from my iPhone. On my board it says I need to organize files from Dec 19th til present so I need to do that.

On the way to Hot Springs, I deleted over a 1,000 pics and videos that had already been copied over into files and many in a video. Once the video is made and uploaded I’ll delete them from my phone. I only do that a couple of times a year- or maybe quarterly. I usually can only do a few at a time as I do it while waiting or riding somewhere. I’m afraid to delete them from the cloud until I’m done – I’m sure it would be fine but one time all my pics went black in iMovie and I’m not sure what happened so I just leave them there from now on until I am completely through. But…I need to do the flip side and get the ones I haven’t made into the files for creating the next movie. I give them a theme or a title and break them up into their respective folders. For example, I’ll have one called “Hot Springs”.

Ok so I guess I’ll be back on Wednesday for a mid-week check in. I think Mom has her doc appt on Friday. And then Fancy Trim Saturday. So we at least have Sunday this week to do things in the house and do errands, store again, and then try to get some of our fun things done. The struggle is real to sneak those in.

I have a ship load of laundry to do, but I will have to do that at night I guess. Not here to get it done. And I’m getting off of here before I begin wining about time. I’m getting slower to accomplish everything but still determined to get it all done.

So ya’ll have a grand week and I’ll be ticking off boxes everywhere I can.