Trying So Hard Not to Lose My Freaking Mind

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Photo by cottonbro studio on

Good morning friends. This week is packing a little punch. The last 7 days have been like “whooooosh”. It all started with having an about a half day Thursday when Mom had a doc appointment. Then being off Friday for PTO and Christmas Village, then getting diverticultis. Then having to do a lot of research to back pay some people where another department had an issue with some raises not going through. So Monday I had on my plate to do Thursday, Friday, and Monday’s duties, plus the 1.5 hours of back pay research and computation. Does this sound possible? No. It wasn’t. I stayed later Monday so I could prep enough for the payroll run Tuesday.

So since I stayed Monday, I only had time to do one errand instead of both that I had planned. I only was able to go to Staples and return the Amazon item that had bugs in it (Maddies shirts, probably from China). Traffic was bad since it was later in the day and so I only had time do that.

So Tuesday I did the payroll run but I was behind getting started by almost two hours because I didn’t get finished with Monday (because I had to do all that back pay research and computation for it). So I finally got started on payroll and then stayed a bit later to get all four payrolls done. I didn’t get all of my normal Tuesday’s after payroll stuff done Tuesday since I was running behind for a couple of hours. So I left to get my Rx (BP Meds) at Publix and do a bit of shopping to get stuff I thought I could eat.

photo of smartphone near decorative plant
Photo by cottonbro studio on

Tuesday night we had a call planned with my SIL and BIL but since I was running behind, we had to move it from 6 to 7 ish so I could get back home from the store and groceries put up. While I was hauling groceries, Katy face timed. I didn’t have any hands available to answer it. I hate a ringing phone when you want to answer it and can’t. Anyway sat the groceries down and called Katy and River and after getting off that call we made the other call.

After that I had to call Mom and check on her and remind her that we had the hair cut appointment.

Wednesday morning at 7:00 I had a dentist cleaning appointment. I was already about 1.5 to 2 hours behind and the dentist appointment fully sealed the deal to make me about 3 hours behind at work. Was thinking surely I’d break some kind of sound barrier with my speed and catch up on Wednesday, lol. But no, I had to leave at 4:00 to go get Mom to get her to her hair cut yesterday. That put me further behind. Since I could not stay over.

Traffic was nutzoid even at 4:00. It took me a full hour to get to Mom’s and almost a full hour to get her back to the hair cut place and to dinner. But I had to pick a place that stayed open after hours. I tried to avoid those walk in centers because it’s the luck of the draw there at times. When I saw the remodeled salon at Tangles, I thought “oh no, this is gonna be $100 bucks” but it was reasonable. A little higher than what we’ve been paying but thank goodness not priced out of our zone. Her hair turned out good. But I’m still 3 hours behind at work.

So we ate at a Mexican place next door. I ordered plain chicken with a side of rice and refried beans. I ate 1/3 of all of it b/c I didn’t want to overwhelm my tummy. I did not have any problems, so far. I have not had any pain in about 24 hours, so maybe I can morph into a regular eating pattern – not just oatmeal and mashed potatoes, lol. I have found success at Publix buying some things I can eat differently. I’m having to think outside the box. So maybe I’ll do a video on that, lol. My problem is time to do a structured video that I have to outline and plan and get ready for. But I love doing that kind of stuff so when I retire, I’ll have a hay day. I usually just have to pick up the camera and go, unplanned, and video what’s happening on the go.

I have, in the mean time, pulled a muscle in my right arm/neck/shoulder area – from probably where I carried the heavy grocery bags and work bag and purse up the stairs. So more acetaminophen for me today so I can focus on work instead of how much that hurts and throbs.

And then Mom asks at dinner: “Have you had time to call and get a cleaning person to come out yet?”

I could feel the ire running through my blood. I had told her the night before on the phone that I was behind at work and I had only had time to call and get her hair appt made and to call the city about her taxes. I reminded her last night that I did have a job that I actually have to work when I go to work and not just work for her when I get there. I made her listen to all of the above and reminded her that she told me last night it was not a priority. But this is my life. I can tell her it won’t be this week but the next day she’ll ask if it’s done yet. I’m only one person and manipulation tactics (continuing to ask) will not making it happen any faster. I want it for her too, but I’ve got to get my job done. I can only get so much done in a day. And when I’m leaving to be taxi it takes even more of my time away. And when traffic has become LA or New York-like, no one is getting any faster.

funny little kid taking out clothes from washing machine
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on

In the mean time, we can’t use the washer and the laundry is piling up. The plumber (Cody’s brother who has his own plumbing business), came and snaked the pipe but it didn’t do the trick so George will have to call him back this morning and reschedule a time to come back out to replace the pipe entirely. We have been about two weeks since the last official laundry weekend. I washed some things by hand last week. I told George I’m not washing by hand this weekend. The pipe is likely going to have to be replaced. I don’t know if that is an easy thing or hard thing or how long it will take. I hope it can be done by the weekend. If not, we’ll have to do something. We don’t have time either. We are gone with friends Saturday and then church on Sunday and taking Mom to go get groceries on Sunday.

So I got home last night about 8:30, long enough to change and get ready for bed.

This week was supposed to be calm. At least it looked innocent enough on the calendar. But nothing about it has been calm.

bright yellow flower in glass vase
Photo by Jill Burrow on

I’m trying to hold on. I’m trying not to be discouraged. I am trying to keep the hope. I’m trying not to just throw my hands up in the air. I’m trying not to put my head in my hands and cry. I keep pushing. I can see retirement from here. And I spend time in the back of my mind planning videos and thinking about things I want to do one day and that alone is keeping me sane. And distracting my mind off the constant rushing and the constant needs of everything around me. I try to ignore the impossibilities of the day that I find myself in. And one day maybe the diverticulitis thing will be over. I’m trying very hard not to lose my freaking mind.

13 responses to “Trying So Hard Not to Lose My Freaking Mind”

  1. My dear Sonya, I’m so sorry you’re under such stress. I’m even more sad that I can’t help ….one thing I wonder is about Mum, I know she has always been a bit demanding and doubt if that will change…however I’m wondering if this recent questioning you 2/3/4 times about the same thing could actually be early on set dementia ? Again there’s not much you can do about it, other than agree with everything she says…..then go on at your own time and space…It might help you feel less stressed. Certainly hope your washing machine gets repaired double quick… there such a thing as a launderette nearby. I think they are still around, not that I’ve seen one recently over here !! Take Care prayers are surrounding you xx

    • It could be. There’s been some other recent issues. I’m so used to demanding mindsets from youth that it’s hard for me to tell.

      There are laundry mats I think in some nearby towns in sections we rarely frequent. Or we could go to Moms. I just don’t know what we will skip to find time to go.

  2. I’m so sorry you have so much (far too much) for one person to do. I don’t know how you handle it. I just now said a prayer for you that God will bring you through this. Seriously, what would your workplace do if you got so stressed you had a heart attack and couldn’t work for three months?

  3. Well I am also feeling like you do right now. I have some many courses and test to take to work this season. I renewed my IRS PTIN so I can legally work. I completed my federal exam and three of the four I have to do for the company. I think about 25 more hours of my time. They wanted everyone finished by Thanksgiving. I told them I will try but if I don’t make it they will have to work around me. I am not excited as I have lost my best buddy at work. She got a promotion and not even in our area. I will be in the office with all new employees (and I am not up to teaching them to do our kind of returns). Our office does not have the normal returns like W2 and kids but a lot of retired with investments and all types of income streams that require a lot of time to get correct. Where other offices can schedule an hour for a return we need 2 to 3 for each return.

    Hang in there with Billie. I have not talked to her this week. She usually calls me but has not. Maybe she knows I will remind her you have very limited time with your commute and work hours per week.

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