Animosity in My Heart, A Prayer for Healing

Good morning friends. I wasn’t going to blog today but decided to pop on here and unload my heart. I just had some communication with God during a YouVersion Bible Study that prompted a discussion with God (prayer). In it, God laid it upon my heart that I had some animosity built up within my heart causing angst and anxiety. 

Things happen in the past and you forgive and let it go and then current events happen. And because we have memories, and we are human, and have feelings, it brings those old feelings, hurt, and anxiety back. Our systems our geared to keep ourselves from harm and hurt and so we naturally have a tendency to step back, recoil, put our shields up, and protect ourselves and be ready to fight so to speak. Our defense mechanisms kick in and we scan the horizon for enemies who are ready to attack. In some cases, everyone becomes suspect.

This is a psychological way of saying that I have allowed myself to revisit some things in my psyche based on some recent current events that took me back in time to where I was years ago dealing with a situation. And just like that, I’m remembering, and having to process again, and having to forgive all over again.

We think we have forgiven, but yet we remember and the cycle starts again where we feel the negativity creep in, the anxiety, the anger, and the next thing you know you are anxious and hiding in a corner, and having to forgive all over again. 

And yes, no worries, these are small things made from hills that turn into mountains by our own psyches. People become villains when they are really just humans. But in our own minds the ones that cause us hurt and disappointment, for bad situations, we realize we never want to go through that again and so we naturally try to protect ourselves. We become like a wolf as a facade to let others know, I’ll bite if you mess with me and hurt me like that again. 

My psyche has always been very sensitive. I don’t know why. Little things like someone yelling at me, becomes a huge mountain to over come. And yeah, that’s basically what we are talking about here. People yelling. I never handle that well. I fear it. Mom yelled at me when I was a child and I suppose that began the unsettling that would set into my very soul. I knew to be afraid of it. I feared it. So at 61, I sit here still fearing that someone will yell at me. And when they do. I have a lot of “overcoming to do”.  I don’t like bullies, and I don’t like people that use their voice to herd over another. 

Yet, life has taught me that yelling and raising voices has gotten people what they needed. It worked with my mother until the rest of us figured it out and stood up to her. Thanks to modern psychologists who have taught us via social media apps to set boundaries, to re-take up situations later when someone becomes upset. 

I thought I had forgiven all those that yelled at me in the past. The ones that don’t apologize and accept their human frailties are always the ones that are the hardest to forgive. And likely the ones that will continue to do what they have done in the past.

It’s my fault for letting these past situations control me. But I’m human too. These are relatively small things that are really not even worth bringing up but yet they bring the bear out in me years later sometimes just by memory alone. And have become huge strongholds at times. 

Lord please help me as I try to forgive and help me to realize that just because someone bullied me over in the past, that I should have no fear of the person(s), and that you will watch over me. You have no reason to harm me, you say, Father, but to prosper my soul, so I know you will protect me and give me the words to say and the appropriate actions to take should someone mistreat me. Help me to be strong and not so sensitive. Help me to forgive these past situations where someone has yelled and been ugly and help me to imagine them as a child, defenseless against this world, and innocent, and that they also have their own demons to attend and fight off. Forgive us as we forgive others, cleanse our souls, our hearts, make us strong against the devil and the ugliness of this world. Help us to be lights for you instead of turtles hiding our heads within our shells. Take the animosity, anger, and fear away from my heart and replace it with light, love, adventure, beauty, and good things. Don’t let these memories relive in my heart. Protect our hearts and our minds from the devil as He tries hard to thwart all of our efforts and keep us distracted. Help us keep our focus on YOU and to offer peace and laughter and love to others instead of allowing our hearts filled with animosity to leak its negativity into those around us. 

In Jesus Name,

Amen