New Towels, New Tea Glasses, Weariness, and Forgiveness in a Dysfunctional Family

The new textured towels are in the middle. It makes the others dim by comparison. And let me tell ya, they are “mahhhhvelous”. They are thick and sturdy. I think they were $7.99 at Target. I’m really considering going back to get a couple more. But, I guess I will hold off for now. I love the texture and thickness. I think they are the best towels I’ve ever had.

And here are the new “tea glasses” – just some cheapies I bought at Kirland’s. The set was about $20. Aside from getting the 12 inch mattress foam pad cut from almost a queen size down to a twin size, is about all that is left on getting our house ready for Mom. The room is almost ready except for the sheet washing and me changing over beds. I will need to move some jewelry over from my armoire so as not to bother her on those early mornings going to work.

The State of Being

So it’s Wednesday now. I can say without a doubt that most of us are tired. Very tired at this point. Mom’s closing on her house is less than a week away, a lot of stuff still needs to be packed. Yet we work Full Time and don’t have much time to do it. It’s why we started weeks ago. It’s coming together but I think we are all feeling a bit overwhelmed at this point. George may not be, it’s hard to tell, but his humor with me this week bottomed out over a situation with Roger. That is usually when I can tell he is tired.

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Our lives have been mostly all work and no play lately. Our year has geared up to be that way. It’s all for a good cause though – don’t get me wrong. I’m sure someone will though. But we are so ready for a vacation! I hope we can squeeze one in somehow. If we do it will be only a long weekend, if we even have days to do it.

Mom is worn out dealing with her clothes, she tells me. It’s not really anything we can pack. She knows what she wants for our house and what she wants to be packed for fall. She has had the hardest time over the clothes. I think all the closets were bursting with clothes. No wonder Daddy wanted the clothing armoire for himself, LOL LOL. I didn’t even know the big armoire was his. But I guess he needed it for his things. Anyway, Mom is having a time trying to figure out the clothing. I say this because she has mentioned it numerous times.

She is tired. I am tired. And I’m guessing George is by his demeanor this week in our discussions over Roger.

And there is this unquenchable persistent need for boxes and wrapping and bubble pack and waiting on the next Amazon order. None of us take the newspaper anymore. So wrapping materials are minimal and costly.

Dysfunctional Families

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It’s time like these when the going gets tough that you really have a tough time forgiving the family members that just “walked out”, freeing themselves from family obligations. How do you forgive an action that keeps on happening? When there is a row in the family that a family member chooses not to work out, a divorcing if you will of the two family members. A walking out and not looking back. No consideration of responsibility or of the others in the family. It’s sad in itself and at so many angles, but in times of need when the parent and other siblings struggle, it magnifies the efforts. It makes it very hard for me not to have a grudge. How do you continually forgive in this situation? I think I have the grasp on forgiveness and then I grapple with it again! Seventy X Seven? Ok I think I’m there! What now?

And indeed I know relationships will never be the same again. The longer the time, the more water under the bridge, the more wearing of the bridge, and time taking it’s toll on whatever piece of the bridge that is left. Walking out means a lot. It means walking out on everything and everyone, maybe even one’s inheritance, whatever is left at that point, but that is not my decision to make. I just don’t know what will come of the situation as a whole. Right now nothing absolutely guaranteed nothingness is what happens- no help, no caring, zip and zero. But I also don’t see how it can be rectified with me at this point. I can let go of my anger with it. But I can’t let go and say “this is ok” or “this doesn’t matter”. I constantly say “how can she do this?” and “what in the heck is wrong with her?”. I don’t know that I will ever be over it now what has happened. I don’t know what it will take to forgive. It’s because I cannot fully comprehend. The person says they are at peace now. Well, if I left and shirked my responsibilities, I’d probably be at peace too. lol. I am trying here, but I don’t know how to love through this situation where there is an obvious unwillingness on the party who left, to try and work it out, to lend a hand, to care, or to love through it back.

I just don’t know. I can write about these things now as it’s no longer a secret what is going on. I won’t mention the person’s name nor go into details about it. I will only write about how it impacts me and it is my right to do so. Others do what they feel is best for them. And for me, writing and journaling is my healing process. I’m not defaming others, not that there was fame to begin with, lol. But not defaming anyone’s character that is not already publicly seen. Several have asked me about this. I won’t talk about what caused the row and that is none of my business but I can talk about the burdens that it has placed on me and I see what it has done to my mother. I’m sure neither party is lily white in the situation as we all say things we don’t mean to. But I’m the sole caretaker of Mom now and this has been hard. We are doing it. But it’s been hard. And it just magnifies things when others who should be there helping are not. And I’m struggling with forgiveness right now. I’m just being honest.

Roger

So, little buddy Roger had a nail to grow into his paw. It’s totally our fault. We haven’t groomed him because of his anxieties. George cut his nails finally but the ones that were further back (like a thumb), I guess was not seen amidst his hair and was missed, and it curled under. It began causing him pain and punctured his paw. George tried to cut it but Roger would not let us and George would hesitate because he was trying to be careful and not cut his paw. And I kept saying “just take him to the vet” as it made me nervous that he was nervous. And then my nervousness fed back to him. He got upset with me and told me I wasn’t helping anything. I told him I’d always tell him the truth of what I thought. I think he should be attended to by the vet at this point as it is already a wound, they could calm his pain, and could give him something. It was my opinion. I told him I was sorry if he didn’t like it but he knows me well enough I’ll give my opinion. It has nothing to do with his abilities to take care of things. I just think it was best he go to the vet.

Our vet for years has become so successful and busy that it is very difficult to be seen by them. They are good but what good does it do when you call and can’t get an appointment for 3 weeks and have to call and maybe get a walk in appointment and have to wait to see if you can walk in. We have to work FT we can’t just sit around the house waiting for a maybe visit. So I suggested we go to the new one down the street. George didn’t want to but I looked on line and they had an Urgent Care of sorts. So he walked in, was immediately seen and made it home in next to NO TIME! Roger has antibiotics and inflammatory meds now and his paw is in a bandage and he is recovering. And from here on out, I say they are our new vet. The last time I took Maisy, we waited for hours, several visits. I’m done with that. We don’t have time for that.

Ok venting is over. It’s just what I needed for today. To vent, so I can park all the madness here and get on with life and be cheery from here. Thanks for listening!

Purging of the Old, Before Beginning Anew!

When you see Mom’s back porch, you can understand why it was important she have a back patio. Her new one is less than half this size. I took the pic yesterday for my memories before it all gets dismantled.

But let me back up. Mom was very sick and tired on Thursday night when I picked her up. None of us really know why but I suspected it was nerves from pushing herself and also the day it “got real” when the house sign went up in the yard and the photographer/videographer came to get the pics and take video.

She rested some at our house and George got her to the Low Voltage meeting Friday. She was able to tell them where she wanted her internet/cable, extra plugs, and look at the security system and bought it. She was happy with the pricing and came out “a happy woman” as George texted me (while I worked Friday).

After work, I came home and they were on the front porch hanging out. Mom loves the outside and is growing fond of the front porch. Mental note to pay some extra attention at making it nice out there for her. And George is also going to have a railing put up to help her get up and down the steps in the front.

I must say that my Mom has courage to face this. And if anyone can. It is she. I know that she is feeling that she needs our help and I also think that she is seeking somewhere deep within for my Dad’s approval to leave this house. I think it is weighing on her heart as she keeps saying how much Dad loved the house.

She asked me if Dad was alive do I think he would have made the move. I had to be honest and tell her “no I don’t think he would”. Our family dynamic would be different if he were still alive. I think Dad would have been persistent about the peace in our family and that other family members would be active and present in the situation, leaving them to escape the need for such a move.

But in reality, Dad is gone, and much is water under the bridge with family relations. Water rarely flows backwards. Words and actions can’t be undone. So Mom does not have local care from family there any longer. All that is left is continual bouts of forgiveness. And while Mom has her own wrestling with her feelings and forgiveness, which is her own and not mine to share. I do have my own.

Forgiveness can be a very complex and arduous task at times. It is a cluster of varying emotions which leaves me angry, sorrowed, lost, confused, but yet somehow very peaceful and loving as God works through the mysterious angles of my heart that I can’t seem to control on my own, nor see, nor understand.

I can only pray that someday, somehow, someway, that all of the hurts can be worked through and put to rest. But the more time passes, the harder the reconciliation would be as people’s feelings become cemented in protection of their own hearts, facts become twisted, reality becomes a blur, and pride is always an issue instead of humility.

For me I wrestle in my heart because of my need to understand before I can truly forgive and the only way I can overcome this is to give it all to God and just let Him handle it. And I think that is where I am and likely where Mom is. I just physically and mentally, have no words, other than what I can write here. I simply have lack of understanding as to the complexity and magnitude of the situation. It is much grander than I. And so God has to take it.

And in my own opinion, I think Mom’s Friday night illness was a case of nerves wrapped up in a ball of physical wretching, a letting go of all that she needed to purge and let go of as she closed one big long chapter of her life, and stepped in the next. It’s as if the climax of the novel has emerged, with the hammering of the sign into the front yard. The decisions had already been made in recent weeks, with each signing of the contracts to buy the new and sell the existing, but the stake driven into the ground on Friday, drove a final stake through her heart.

But Dad IS coming with her. His love will surround her across death – because that is what God’s love does with the believer. His gift of eternal life shines through to Dad. Dad is eternal and in different form. His love is his spirit now and not contained within a body. The house is just a house. It’s where Dad enjoyed as a respite at the end of the day in his earthly body. His spirit is about love now and he can be with Mom wherever she is. He can be with my sister. And he can be with me.

A house is a dwelling place, a rest for our weary heads, a shelter from the storm, a place we park our favorite things, a place to eat our favorite meals, and a place to welcome family and friends. Many memories were encased in this shell of a house.

But all in all, it is the shape of the heart that matters most.Mom will have her memories and Dad is no longer physically there anyway, and George and I, who both work FT can’t be down there much in our off time. And Mom needs family. She needs happy!

The next few weeks will be incredibly hard, as this house closes down before the next one is even visible. But Mom can hold her hopes open as her new dream house comes alive in Lebanon, TN and only 15 minutes away from us. Where NEW and loving memories can be made! And a renewed hope that family reconciliation can one day be made before it is too late……. Before the rooster crows, the third time.

So it’s been a heck of a spring so far in the year of “Project Move Momma”. The calendar has turned and May somehow arrived. Quarter end was finished Friday and much was accomplished so far in the move. We are only a few bites in to the elephant but when you consider what progress has been made so far it is a LOT! A house to buy and a house to sell and contracts signed for each – is no small task. We are 5 car loads into the moving from Mom’s house to ours. A trip to the dump has been made by Mom. A trip to Good will she will take this week. And I believe we’ve tossed about 6 or 7 bags of trash of items no longer of value or decayed. Guest bedroom drawers and closets have been emptied, precious photos lovingly packed and secured!

It is a big week ahead! The house listing goes live on Wednesday. Mom’s Design Studio is this week where she gets to pick her colors and her fixtures. I get to go with her for that! We plan to eat lunch after! I’m taking a VACAY day!

We are unsure about being able to pack and move things once the house is listed as people will be wanting to tour the house, but once a contract is signed we can continue the move process. George wants to get a cargo van and get a lot of the bigger items in it and we’ll make several trips to the storage unit. So once we get the contract going on Mom’s house – we hear it’ll only be about two weeks – we will then be able to rent the storage unit and begin the cargo van moves. Then only the really big furniture will be left for the U-Haul. A lot of work ahead. Then we will watch as Mom’s house is being built, we will transform our house to make her comfortable here as she awaits the dream home and the closing on the new place. Then move #2 will happen.

One bite of the elephant at a time, but we are about to move around another notch of the curve here!

I have more to share, but honestly think I’ve shared enough for today. I’ll be back in the morning and post some more! My plan is to post MONDAY and then it may be THURS before I’ll get a chance to post again. If I’m not here then, it’s because I had to get to work early Thurs morning. So could be Friday. Busy busy week ahead!

I have much to do today in this blessed day of being home. The usual, laundry, ironing and cleaning and ordering and prep for the week ahead. The shower gift is wrapped for an after work shower this week. Two trips to Columbia happening this week too. I also will be making my plans for how to move things around here at the house in anticipation of Mom being here for a few months and making it more comfortable for her and moving some things about so she has room for her things in bedroom and bathroom and kitchen. She would like for her toaster oven to be in the kitchen. At first I said “no” and realized I was being selfish. I will make it happen! So need to focus on a few plans for the house. So when I have spare time I can be focused and get that done. If there is a list, it has a chance of being accomplished! Just a chance! You know how long my lists are which is why I have to categorize them!

And in honor of Dad, along with this post on Mom’s move, I’m listing this writing I ran across this week from a funeral brochure that came across my desk.

Have a great week! See you in the morning!