Busy Schedule but Working on Forgiveness Project

Well, I wouldn’t say that I am quite THIS unhappy as AI made me to be in the picture here, but I am a little disappointed at not having much time this week to do my routine things. It’s all ok. I’m optimistic and understanding about it. And it does impact my mood a bit. But the lack of time is why I have not blogged. It’s always why I don’t blog, lol. Also because I love to vlog -that and creativity pulls me toward the videos instead.

Anywho. Since we have been back home it’s been a little busy. I was lucky enough to have a few days last week to catch up and breathe. The trip was good for me, except for being traumatized by little furry creatures. It did make for some good laughs back home with the church crew who saw my western mouse with long horns (see my previous post or two).

But this week was catching up Mom on everything. Groceries, nails, doc appointments. So THREE of the last 5 days have been dedicated to getting her taken care of. It’s not an issue with me as it would have been spread out over last week too if I’d been here so it’s ok, but it does need to be acknowledged that it has usurped a lot of time this week from my normal routines. I’m always unsettled a bit when I’m out of my routine – and it’s been about two weeks now I think. Sometimes it is welcomed, but sometimes I just need to bounce back into my quietness ASAP.

I’ve been doing the forgiveness book. Oh wow. I need to by index cards so I can do the exercises. It’s similar to therapy but of course it is NOT therapy. The gist of what I’m reading so far, just a few chapters in is that when things happen, we tell ourselves things (we make up rules, make up safe guards, create walls) that define us in future instances. It changes our perspective. And then we begin to believe it as fact. But maybe it isn’t. Maybe some of these things are causing us not to heal and when we can’t heal it makes it harder to forgive, makes it easier for things to trigger.

Now I’ve done a lot of work – most of it – own my own, with my spiritual background, and leading from God, our maker, our Father, and our savior with His Son, Jesus – of whom kept me guarded through a lot of things. But most of my life I’ve dealt with things on my own and not with counseling. Most of my life, I thought I had a handle on forgiveness. But God has shown me there are a few I just kept getting triggered on and the hurt never healed and the blister comes back and creates an upheaval again. I’ve tried a lot but when you are still in relationships with people that hurt you, you still have to forgive over and over again. And when they still do the things that hurt you, and they don’t apologize and are not sorry, then you just keep getting the knife plunged in and it’s hard to know what to do with that.

So I’m trying to be understanding and KEEP being understanding but I guess I have some work to do. Or maybe it’s just me having to understand what forgiveness really is versus what it’s not. Or maybe I just need to figure out how to be accepting of the behavior and overlook it. It’s just hard to do when you know the behavior is not correct. And then you realize God forgave you. And then you realize you are not perfect either. No one is lily white.

My mind is confused right now in the middle of the process. But it’s ok. I’m older, my memory is not what it used to be so simply sleeping can bring forgetfulness in which it’s much easier to forgive, lol lol lol. Life is so funny.

But yeah, I need to get index cards to list all the things that my memory holds on to for each person and that is the “collecting phase”, and then somehow I’m supposed to “connect the dots” and that is the connecting phase. For the life of me I can’t remember how I’m supposed to connect the dots but I think there are questions we have to ask about each thing. Like yesterday I was trying to decide why some people in my family are so judgmental of other people. Anytime you mention a person instead of talking about the subject at hand, they say “oh that is a good person” or “that was that person that did xyz”. Every. Stinking. Time. That you bring up someone’s name. And it’s usually followed up by a feeling that you are “allowed to like that person” or “not”. I tracked this back to a dinner table as a child when I remember family talking about – anyone – just table conversation and the comments would follow on judging that person as a whole and establishing them as a good person or bad person. As a child I was taught to hang out with or not be around such. I took it as a belief that was what that conversation was for. So today when this happens to me, I take it as it’s telling me I should or should not be associated with that person. And it makes me mad, especially if I have a good opinion of that person. So I’ve incorrectly established a rule and a perception for myself that it’s someone trying to control my life or sway my opinion and that I am believing into that concept. When actually I’m 64 and I don’t have to. I’m capable of making decisions for myself, so it should not make me mad. The person talking about the other people in a degrading fashion should have no bearing on me – it’s between them and God as to their own words they speak, and whether they choose to see that other people are also worth being forgiven. I can’t correct their behavior and words. I can however choose to NOT allow their words to control my thoughts or mood. So that part is on me. That is an example of what I believe we are doing here.

I want to list the things I need to forgive and list the hurts and how it made me feel and maybe I will somehow connect the dots like I did the above and just acknowledge the facts, the hurts, the words, and realize it can’t be changed or taken away, but I can change my perceptions of it and move on and ask God to the do the rest.

I’m only 1/4 of the way thru the book but it is a good start. I had a problem with making a list of “wrongs” as the Bible says not to do it, but what I’m doing is listing them for the reasons of trying to heal and forgive, not to hold on to build a case against someone. So in this case, I think God will let me and help me to do this.

Well I had to capture these thoughts today but have to hurry now to get Mom and take her to the doctor. Forgive any things I’ve typed or spelled wrong. I usually don’t have time to go back and check so we just keep it real here in all aspects, lol. Sorry it’s so deep but sometimes my mind is deep into things. Honestly, I like getting deep into things.

How’s your week going? Reading any good books yourself?