Tag: Self-Help

Hermitage Natchez Hills Wines | Yard Sale Finds | Weekly Update | Contentment

On By BackporchwriterIn Dogs, Family, Food, Happiness, Life, Nashville, Psyche, Self-Help, Uncategorized6 Comments

As mentioned in a previous entry, we did the wine tasting at the Hermitage and really enjoyed it. I liked the wine very much. And was shocked to learn they had an “iced tea wine”. George had his favorites and I had mine and so we bought enough to get “their deal”. You buy so many you get 15% off. So we treated ourselves.

We also went to a few yard sales last Saturday. There were not many with it being Mother’s Day Weekend. But there were a few. I have become to love adding flowers to a room for decor. I needed a couple of big vases that would hide the bottom of stems (most of mine are see through). I bought these with the idea of spray painting them. (Like I have time for any more creative projects). Currently they are in the basement “waiting their turn”. If I can get them to a neutral color, I can use them in various places in the house. And I can sign up for Hobby Lobby emails again and be able to find out when their flowers are 50% off.

A friend (Lisa J) from work brought cookies and left them on my desk. A little Momma’s day treat. So sweet. I shared with my next door office neighbor, Deb.

My Mother’s Day card came in Monday. It was worth the wait. It was a special constructed Momma’s day card.

The gift itself came yesterday. A pic of Little Roo.

I love this photo but everyone is going to tease him one day for being just like Cody and George. They love to sneak something into the photo without being totally obvious – a subtle little birdie or in George’s case sometimes a purposeful glimpse of his belly button. lol. If you see it in the pic let me know. Yes they will tease him about it one day. That makes the pic even more perfect. lol lol But I love that pic of him by the planter. I love him in his little khakis and plaid shirt and bare feet!

A “Peace Offering” Cookie.

There’s a “Mexican” bakery close to work. I’ll go there someday. I saw where it was while driving around in the area. But someone brought me one this week. But this week another department had some “issues” that caused payroll to be half day behind as I was told not to close payroll yet til they were ironed out. I stayed over a bit and then had to focus to rush through Wed and Thurs to catch up. I didn’t get many of my extra projects worked on this week because it took away some of my week. To make matters worse, no one told me when the “issues” were fixed so I waited three extra hours to start payroll. I could have gone after about 2 hours of waiting if I had known. And when I checked three times I was told it was not finished. (Yes, It was confusing and miscommunication as life often is. You know when several are involved.) Anyway the department felt bad and brought peace offering cookies, which was so nice of them to do. I was so impressed. Often in this day and time no one cares when someone makes you work harder and longer because of an issue. So it was nice to see that there are people that care or recognize it when they make your life more difficult and didn’t mean to. So Thank You Lord for that. There is a bite missing. I took a bite before taking the picture. No harm. No foul. At least we made the upload/deadline for the deposit.

Night Out with Mom

One night I took Mom out to Cracker Barrel. I don’t think she felt too good. She seemed a bit agitated and unhappy. They set us at a 2- seater table and she brought it up 4 times before our order that she was not happy sitting there. I get it. I prefer a 4 seater also so you have more elbow room. Neither of us is a small person, lol. I asked the waitress to move us but Mom refused. Thankfully she didn’t go on about it after that. I think I would have moved and ate by myself if she had, lol. I either wanted us to move or get over it. And she fussed about the purse she has and how small it was. She can’t ever find anything in her purse and when something comes out it won’t go back in and that was making her mad. She cursed loudly at it. I felt sad for her that she was having such an unhappy day. I often have those days when I don’t feel good or upset about something else and I’m just impatient with the world. Patience has never been her strong suit. So if you wonder where I get THAT. There ya go! It’s not been mine! So let’s talk about that!

Patience, Emotions, Guilt, Manipulation, Contentment – We are all a work in progress.

I’ve had to work really hard on this thorn in my side of not being patient. I can’t say that I’ve mastered patience, but I can say that I am better at it and that I am learning to “self parent” myself (lol, don’t you love that psychological term?) when something doesn’t go my way or suit me. I’ve had to learn how to better handle my emotions in my adult life. In the early days (20’s and 30’s and even 40’s), I just said “it’s me – it’s who I am – I want what I want and when I want it – I’m just driven – so get over it”. But that attitude is just kinda selfish, childish, and not very loving or considerate of others. So I’ve tried so hard to be better at reacting. I’m not perfect but I’m better. And I no longer desire to lay claim proudly with that type of reaction or behavior. I admit to not having patience at times but I’m no longer proud of it or claim it as a character trait that others must live with. I’ve learned to “self soothe” as the psychologists/psychiatrist calls it. And that has been a big learning curve to try and find contentment within yourself and soothe your own spirit. A lot goes into it. It’s a lot of work to try not to be narcissistic when your pattern is cut out for you to be. :-O I have decided that recognizing those patterns within yourself is over half of the problem. Because only then can you begin to be honest with yourself and be humble and ashamed of that kind of behavior and let go of the ego and start again to trying to be a better person. Believe me, Iiiiiiiiiii know.

OOOOPS! Anyway, I got off subject, lol. I offered to take Mom to a store nearby to find a purse but she said she would go on line or get Aunt Martha and Uncle Ken to take her when they got up here. She had not asked me to take her to Belk so I will not be made to feel guilty over that – that is another thing I’m learning is not to be made to feel guilty for things that are out of my control. While this manipulation tactic has worked on me before I’m learning to let go of that as I am learning how to be aware of various people’s manipulation tactics – intended or not. Sometimes I think people are so engrained at manipulating others they don’t even know they are doing it. I’m sure I do it myself. We probably all do to a degree at whatever has worked in the past. I expect for others to let me know if they need something from me as it’s not my job to determine what others are wanting or thinking. Mom may not have been manipulating me in this way – only she can answer that, but whether or not she was- I am the one that has allowed myself to feel guilty in the past as if I had done something wrong. Even then, you see – I immediately offered to take her to get a purse. I’ve been trained in that way to respond to negative behavior – after I saw her curse at the purse. I wanted her world to be right. Even though we all know the purse is one thing. And tomorrow it’ll be another item. I’ve been the same way. So I’m still in a work in progress too. lol. I almost think Mom is happier when George is with us. He must lift her mood. With me she seems more agitated. Or perhaps she is more comfortable and lets her guard down and allows herself to me more agitated with me. Sometimes I feel like I’m just the no count daughter that can’t do anything to please, other than provide gossip worthy adventures, so… Who knows. At least I’m the daughter still around. The other one said she couldn’t handle it and took off. lol

I hate she didn’t seem to have a good time although she thanked me and said she did. And I appreciated that. I tried to make her happy by getting her out of the house. I can’t make people be content though. And I can’t be held responsible for anyone else’s happiness. As I know toooooo well, contentment has to come from within. Other people can’t fix everything for you. There is nothing anyone else can do. An individual just has to learn to find their own contentment with their circumstances. I have had to do this for a while for things that turned out a lot different than I had expected or wanted. Often my own desires and plans in life have been squashed. I can accept it and go on. Or I can wallow in misery. Or I can decide to change the situation. It’s my choice. And I’ve made my decisions. Subject to change again if I decide. But on the way back from Mom’s God gave me the most awesome sunset to watch as I drove home. It’s as if He was consoling me from the work week and life’s snotty little trials. Or was it me just settling in with my own contentment at going home, finding silence and peace, and going to bed?

George stayed home this night to work on a few projects music wise. He is doing some recording with the device/equipment I got him for Christmas finally. And it’s yard work season so that takes up some time on other nights. Mom takes up some time during the week and on weekends some. And he cooks which he loves to do. But…..I’m also trying to give him a break too by doing some cooking here and there. I just don’t have time either, lol. My problem is that I get in the store and don’t have recipes with me, don’t want to take time to find them in the store, and have tried to get organized with this for some time and it just gets pushed to the bottom of the list. So….a friend at work gave me a “free box” invite from HELLO FRESH. So…..

Hello Fresh

So George and I got on last night and I ordered the 3 meal plan with Hello Fresh. We got a “free box” and it will come every week all with fresh ingredients. You can skip weeks if you need to. But often I don’t get to the store but every two weeks and we take Mom and it’s hard to get my own groceries bought. But this will help. I’m excited. I don’t have to pick a recipe other than getting on line each week and making a choice. I set up the app on my phone and have the alerts come when it’s time to pick the next week. You can add on breakfast and lunch items too. Even like granola bars, oatmeal. And the price is about what I’d spend at the store. So it’ll come in and I’ll be able to fix these quickly with the ingredients and recipes already gathered.

I am excited to try it. My friend says it’s worked well for them. They spend less because instead of having to buy a whole thing of bread for example or buns – you pay for just the ingredients you need and a whole bag of buns or the cost of it doesn’t go to waste if you don’t have time to eat them. That makes sense. I will let you know how it goes.

We also began looking at pet finding apps and websites. I’m not sure we will qualify as some of them are very self righteous as George calls it about their pets. Did we forget a year to do the rabies shot? Do we have a fenced in yard? Did we faithfully do heart worm meds? Do we work and out of the home a lot? George said not to get my hopes up. I already wasn’t. I know God will allow us to have the dogs(s) – yes two of them – when the time is right and the dogs are right. He does that and I’m praying every day so I will not fret over it. I’ll patiently wait. But it was this dog that got me started. When I started. Then George got started. He’s inquired about a set of dogs that are bonded. But this one is the one that got me started as I inquired about her. But I’ve yet to go in and finish the sign up as it required an application before they will talk to you. I needed to get references. So I’ve got permission from non-relatives mainly friends and neighbors (required not to be a relative) to give their address and phone so we can try to get a dog. I was not going to blindly do that w/o their permission. It seemed wrong. So I’ve not finished signing up on line (no time). But the reference information has been obtained at least through some phone work. Monkey gets extremely car sick but I’ve inquired. No response. Other than an email to do the next step by completing an application. (Insert eye roll here). So we will “play their game” for a while and try to find dogs their way, if not we will try something else – visit shelters and find a more personable way of doing business that works for us. But hey – at least we are getting started! George said he could go a while without a dog but when he retires he’ll want one. But he is also good with getting one now. I’m ready now. But letting God decide. If not us, I hope Monkey finds a perfect home for her. And I appreciate her getting us started so she deserves special mention. That sweet face. I want a dog with a sweet face. I love you Monkey. For getting us going. ;-). I wish you could be mine.

I’m sorry my blog is all over the place. My head is all over the place as usual. I have more to say but I’ll wait til tomorrow I suppose. Tomorrow I’ll say what all the week next week will bring.

Today we are going on an excursion and seeing friends and eating out and doing a bit of shopping in between, and another wine tasting. I’m not getting many groceries due to the Hello Fresh. But we do need a few things. I like to see what Whole Foods has. But we need some condiments and basic things – like coffee, peanut butter, snack items, and such.

Ahhhhhh. I have so many things I want to do this weekend but we are gone today and half of tomorrow. It’s ok. We are having to force ourselves out and have fun. Although we may discuss maybe doing it once a month instead of three. lol. I can’t keep up with ourselves. LOL LOL. My blog can’t keep up with our adventures either now. LOL LOL So…More tomorrow.

God, Grace & Gratitude Gets the Focus

On By BackporchwriterIn Happiness, Life, Spiritual13 Comments

You’ve probably seen this picture before if you are not new to the blog. I saw it in my photos and decided it was a perfect focus for this period of time in my life, and also for the start of this blog post.

Each week is a struggle for me, a battle. As a person who feels too much and pushes it down (or writes about it), and a person who analyzes too much (and still doesn’t come up with an answer for life), and a person who seeks joy, but rarely finds it (because of the previous two things), I find that this simple quote brings me peace.

I have plenty to be thankful for in the midst of this season of life trying to run me over as if I’m a thrown out cup on the side of the road. So what, if only twenty-two people watched the last video I worked so hard on and was proud of, so what if I goof up and make a mistake at work by putting down the wrong date, so what if most of my personal down time is not existent anymore, so what if we don’t get to see friends anymore, so what that life feels so alone most of the time in a world full of interesting people, so what if I don’t get to travel and explore the world like I thought I’d get to do some day, so what if I’m no longer in control of most of my life (unless I left everyone behind and ran away, lol), so what if others don’t like who I am, don’t appreciate or see any value in me as a person. So what! So What! So what!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I can choose to lay in bed and wallow and feel sorry for myself.

I can choose to chase my tail in circles and find new strategies (that also seem to fail me).

I can give up on all I’m striving for. (That’s looking like a really good about right now – no goals, no aspirations, no worries, no trying.)

I can take a break and come back and try YET AGAIN (probably will do that –again).

I can whine, blog, vent, fuss, cry (been there done that).

I can let my thinking continue to be negative and tell myself that no one likes me, loves me, cares for me. That everyone is tired of me, doesn’t understand me, rather not be near me. That I’m a failure at work, at home, at play, at video creation and that basically God made a mistake when he made me and that He only made me so everyone would have someone to judge, punish, criticize, make fun of, hate, and talk about.

I can do all those things, and have.

Photo by alleksana on Pexels.com

Or I can let God, Grace, and Gratitude take over my life, sit at the wheel and make the decisions for me. I am a pitiful human that only He can make perfect. We can beat ourselves up for all that we have failed or continue to fail, for all we do wrong, for mistakes we make. We can analyze ourselves and others to the moon and back trying to understand why we are the way we are and how to fix things, or make things better, make people like us, read us, watch us, spend time with us (time we don’t have), or we can just give all the worries to God and let Him make our lives perfect in Him.

I’m afraid that is what I have to do. I just notice I said “afraid”. Yes, I am afraid to let Him have control. I have fought to have control for so long. But it’s the only way I can be at peace. The devil is shaking in His boots right now because He sees an internal change taking place and shape within me. He doesn’t know what is up, and frankly I don’t myself. But the devil has been throwing curve balls increasingly.

He (the devil) stirs up all kinds of things everywhere and from every angle to discourage me, make me look bad, make me feel bad and to hit me in the knees and make me buckle over to stop me. He should know me better than that. He should know God better than that. If He had he wouldn’t have fallen from heaven and from grace. His pride got in the way.

But God humbles us in our pride if we are in Him and He gives us hope and something to reach for. He forgives and shows compassion. He leads us to the right paths when we don’t know where to go. He comforts when we are depressed. He lets us rest in Him when we are weary.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’m at a low point right now in this season of life I’m in, but it’s ok. I have God picking me up and lifting me higher. Maybe even to a new purpose. I don’t know. I’m trying to be persistent in my goals because that is what is ingrained within me. I’m trying not to be disheartened by this life. I am anyway, but God, Grace, and Gratitude will get me through. God is the one that is in charge of this game we call life and even though we may play our own chess pieces, He makes good come from every move, leads us as we make our moves, and He will play the end of the game, just as He does. And we know who wins in the end.

I will “Embrace What is and Forge Forward” as I always do. I won’t give up. I will fight the fight. I will keep the faith. I will not let my own negative thinking, or negative people consume me. I will bury my grudges against all in a mind visual of burning them into the fire, one by one and they will all be gone with the wind. And if these storms are bad tonight, we might all be. :-O

Deep session today, but not really. We are all deep. Sometimes deep in manure. lol. Sometimes deep in thought. I realize we don’t have to dive in deep anymore, we can just “Let Go” and “Let God” – sorry to use an expression that so many have worn out, but when you get right down to it, that seems to boil it up.

My focus right now is on quarter end, getting Mom what she needs, giving George some time on Friday, pulling our easter meal together this weekend. More on that later.

Be back on Friday friends.

Successes and Failures, The Hostess Dance, and In the Ruts of Life

On By BackporchwriterIn Family, Life, Psyche, Self-Help, Uncategorized9 Comments

So, we spent our Saturday yesterday with Mom. The main purpose was to get some pictures hung up. Quite a few were hung but we didn’t get finished as we also wanted to get her out of the house some. We took her to eat lunch and to buy groceries. And we went to Lowe’s to buy more hanging materials, cleaning materials, and Mom wanted to see a sun shade for the deck and so forth.

I guess our day was a concoction of both successes and failures.

Success: Several pictures were hung

Failure: It seems like not near enough

Success: Lunch was absolutely wonderful

Failure: We had to wait and stand in a cold area with Mom (77 and prefers sitting and warmth) for 40 minutes in crowds (while Covid is on the downside it’s still around).

Success: We got a few groceries

Failure: The grocery store we wanted to go to was a chain we’d been to in Hendersonville only this one was in Lebanon and it basically was totally different (night and day). It was totally ghetto (I guess we haven’t figured out the pockets of Lebanon yet). I wondered if we’d make it out alive plus a woman was coughing out her an entire lung all around us in those small aisles :-O.

Success: We got several things at Lowe’s and Mom looked at some patio shade options.

Failure: They didn’t have the vent filters Mom wanted and somehow we didn’t get home with the pack of nails we ordered. And there might have been a bit of drama in the check out line when Mom refused to use the self-check out while George held the clerk up to insist that she come check out where he was. I was in the middle of it all in which I finally yelled out across the store from several feet away with Mom “She’s gonna do what she wants to do George, she’s not coming – just go on!” (Insert your biggest eye roll here to which everyone in the store looks and you can see them saying oh you all are THAT kind of family. Yep we are. It’s like Carol Burnett and Momma all over again. We should have our own show. It’s much worse than Kate Plus 8! Let me tell ya. Sometimes I dread going out in public because of the drama if everything is just not perfect. Holy psycadolie on steroids. I just invented a new word I think.

Town Square Social, Lebanon – the Hip Place to Be on Saturday

As mentioned, our lunch at Town Square Social was just wonderful – once we got a table. Our twenty minute – turned into 40 – was a little uncomfortable for my 77 year old Mom, especially, but she hung on to a stair railing and endured it peacefully.

I was the one doing a dance shuffle b/w two front tables, the front door, the hostess stand, and hallway traffic as there was nowhere to be that was not in the way. I guess we can call it the hostess area dance. You go forward, backward, sideways, in, out, hop two steps over, three steps back and repeat “I’m sorry” “So sorry” back to back in regular intervals.

The walls of the restaurant have interesting character. And our meals were so good and we were so glad to be seated in a warm area. The day was very cold yesterday. It mainly was in the 30’s I think. It could have reached 40’s but if it did no one realized it. It was just as ugly and grey as all the rest of the days were lately but at least there was no rain or snow where we were.

Saturday Evening and Today

Back at Mom’s, searching for lost nails and a few remaining pictures hung, the clock quickly approached the five o’clock time frame and I think George was anxious to go home. Normally I would be too but at this point, I think I’ve lost all hope of doing anything I really want to do as I have these tremendous road blocks every where I turn and it’s just taken the life out of me and my hope or faith in doing anything I really want to do.

I’m not giving up completely, because my robot switch is turned to ON, and it’s at least going. I’m functioning. Going with the moment. I’m stuck in ruts and can’t get out. Everything I try to do turns to mush so for today I’ve decided to just settle in the muck and mud and waddle in it like a pig. Why make plans when you have to break your neck to do something you want to do? So I’m just not doing anything. The day off is here. Finally. I have no plans. I’m a feather in the wind. My will has no control anyway. So I’m just sipping coffee here and seeing what happens next in my life. LOL :-O

I tried to create a vision board on Pinterest this morning and I gave up. I put a dog on there. I put a new kitchen update on there. I tried to find video creation things to put on there. Camera and video and photography things. Blogging and VLOGGING things. Not much to add. The idea of a vision board quickly disintegrated. It was further depressing. Who am I kidding? I couldn’t manifest a chili dog at this point in my life. I mean think about it. The dog won’t come til later, the new revised kitchen won’t ever come – so I settled with an order for Amazon for under $100 and a Thrive Cosmetic order for under $50. LOL Even in doing that George had asked if I could wait and order Tuesday. What and Why? Simply so it would “show” as under March’s budget instead of February for his records. Not for financial reasons, but just so it shows under a different month. No. I’m doing something for ME today. Please no one else try to stop me from doing something I want to do. My entire life is on hold already or everything has some roadblock or closure or mountainous terrain to climb over. No. Let me have this one pleasure please.

The Amazon order – I have waited a month already to order it b/c I wanted to wait til I got closer to needing it and I’ve already gone too far past the point of needing it. The time is now. It’s ordered. I get to decide something in my life today. And ordering something on amazon is it! I work too and I don’t spend that much on myself. I quit getting hair cut, hair colored, and did my own toes a few times in winter, I cancelled Isagenix, I cancelled audible. I’m ordering my bras that I need more comfort with (I’m officially done with underwire and uncomfortable strapping bras), my makeup basics (eyeliner and a neutral eye color) that will last forever, and a rain coat (b/c mine leaks). I work too and I am ordering these needs that I have. If that is not good, then I’ll schedule the kitchen model makeover consult. LOL You remember how long the floors took, how we almost divorced over the bath shower makeover, and how I had to give up my dream of RVing. Yeah so my goals are all crushed but not like they show in the movies. All those people crushing their goals out there? Well I’m crushing mine too. Crushed, crushed, crushed- stomped. I told you this blog had new meaning right? LOL I can show anyone how to crush a goal, a project, a dream, kill some time, kill a project, kill a dream. lol Just be around here for a few minutes and watch it happen. We can help you like no other to crush those goals around here. Ya got have a little humor, come on.

So since I’m living everyone else’s life, I’ve chosen just not to do anything today toward my own goals. What is the point of scrambling along the hamster wheel reaching for things I can’t get to or going places I’ll never go. I’m trying not to plan anything short or long term, just exist. It’s much less painful. I’ve had coffee, oh – and I ordered a “joy” Bible Study book since I obviously need to learn the joy of living everyone else’s life.

Sorry for the sarcasm today. But gee, the heart overflows with what I’m feeling inside which is kind of a “why am I even here” and “what is my life suppose to look like” kinda mood/mode.

I may finish the laundry. I will take the BP Meds. I might clean some. I will take a shower. I will change our sheets. I will have prayer and devo time. I might try and figure out Final Cut Pro on the next video b/c that is what is bothering me the most that I can’t get over this next learning curve. I feel like if I can get around that curve, I’ll be around the curve on the JOY factor as well.

What You See is What You Get?

Oh, and the crocs I ordered Mom? You know the “bright yellow ones” she got when I ordered Stucco, and off-white so it would go with everything? Well….when I got there yesterday she had on Stucco colored crocs. They were not bright yellow. I feel bad for leaving Amazon the bad color substitution review. She just can’t see and they look like a bright canary yellow to her. ::sigh::

Where Do We Go From Here?

I’m very tired. I’m off today. Not doing much. Just very tired. It’s all good. I see the sun coming out. The temps will be higher later this week. I feel and need a dog in my future. That will lift my world. I think we’ll start looking once we do our April trip to Knoxville. I’m trying ya’ll. I’m just very discouraged right now. I know I’ll pull out. I know my outlook will change. It will get better. There is bird chirping outside the window now in an effort to cheer me. I know He’s been sent by God. It’s a sound I’ve missed and God said “spring is coming and the sunshine will soon come back in your days”.

In the mean time, Mom’s pictures have to be finished hung in her house and she has finally agreed to let me help her unpack. So looks like I’ll be spending even more time over there and less here. She wants to go with me on my next pedicure run. So I will fill my days with trying to get things done for her and try and get her settled as to what degree we can in the weeks and months ahead.

I will erase any grand plans on a time schedule on my own, will erase my own goals as a now thing, and put them off for yet even more time. I will stick to basics because that is all I can handle for now. Just breathe. Live in the moment. Sip coffee. Find joy in the small things. Go for a walk. Do my little challenge (being self-helpful to myself). Read. Blog. Work on a video as I have time or want to or CAN figure out with this new software. Yeah. Take time out to learn. I have to just learn to be simple. Not much plans. Scratch the desires, goals, dreams and pushing because it only agonizes me to not have time to work toward them. (I have to de-motivate myself. Really? Most people long to be motivated!) Just be. Just accept and embrace what is until I can figure out a way to forge forward. After all, that IS this year’s motto.

I’ll be more of a mentor and a positive person for you all later. I appreciate those of you who are sticking with me through the muck. You find out who your friends truly are. Thank you for your support through the struggles we have of life. I keep saying tomorrow will be better. And it will. Til then I’ll stick with basics and move gently and softly forward, as life allows.