Yesterday was a rough day. Well actually the last two or three days were. There’s reasons for that.
- I have not been home for any length of time in almost 21 days by Saturday. We’ve been gone the last two weekends. I’ve been trying (or ignoring) getting things done as I can.
- Everything has been yelling at me in my brain to “do me next”: laundry, kitchen, video creation, blogging, work/year end, call Mom, work on projects, do the ironing, hem the new PJ’s, open all the Amazon/Target/Thrive box deliveries, sign up for the World Bible School, mark something off the list, read some, don’t forget your vitamins. My head wouldn’t quit and I didn’t know what to do first when I got a minute. I’ve been cramming every minute with something, to stretch myself to get anything done.
- My mind and body can’t keep up without some down time. Even God rested on the 7th day and He’s a deity.
- Things happened that made me sad and made me question my own self being. Fewer comments on the blog, hardly any views on the last video. Yeah the content wasn’t the greatest as I was videoing on the fly, but I expected more as the videos had been gaining momentum. I even lost a subscriber and went backwards to 99 subscribers instead of the 100 I had the day before getting a little congrats from YouTube, lol. It had seemed like things were going so well. And I was finally getting some growth.
- Once you are down on yourself, it seems to snowball from there.
- Probably not getting sufficient sleep trying to get things done.
- Not out in the sun, not getting much fresh air.
- Not feeling my best.
- I feel horrible that my challenge this month has basically just been kicked to the curb b/c I haven’t had time to even think about it, and have eaten so much sugar it’s pitiful, and I was upset with myself. Girl Scout cookies, Crumbl cookie, coconut gelato with ice cream, ginger snaps. 🙁
- I felt like a robot with no feeling – just a train that keeps on rolling down the track with no certain destination.
- I knew storms were coming and I get a little anxious about having to drive in them to work or back.
Yeah, we had some good times doing our Valentine’s excursion and eating out again on Valentine’s night and that helped to get out and do some things, but it always harms me when I don’t get some time on the weekends to do more than just laundry and clean.
But you know what? When I got home yesterday, I was so down on myself, on life, tired, sleepy. I felt like a miserable existence. I decided to go to my journaling/reading chair and just pray. I told God I needed his help, his direction, because my soul and my spirit was just depleted. I was just short of climbing under the covers and not getting out again. But I knew I needed to keep pushing because I could not even get the basics done. I didn’t have time to waste an evening. But my heart wasn’t in it. Was George was miffed at me (?), maybe I’m not pulling my weight but spending too much time trying to meet my video and blog deadlines I set for myself. So I asked God for strength, rest, and to make things better with my soul/my life/my time. He provided all of it. I asked Him to guide my mind through the things to do as I needed to do them to feel better about life, and myself.
Here’s what I did, all blessed by God.
- I read for pleasure. Just a chapter, but it felt great and it freed my mind from the chains of my stronghold, the everlasting to do list.
- I watched two short YouTube favorites to give me some motivation to actually go back and finish this weeks video (the next night), but also to relax and enjoy the creativity of others.
- I started the wash and got that rebooted.
- I turned on an ambiance channel on YouTube for dinner for two on a river cruise with soothing and healing music, infused to give energy while cleaning.
- I cleaned the kitchen and emptied the dishwasher and washed dishes that needed to be washed by hands and made the counter sparkly.
- I texted Mom instead of calling. I was in no mood to talk to anyone.
- I didn’t look at my to do list the rest of the night.
- I ignored my videos for the night.
- I ignored my blog for the night.
- I got signed on to World Bible School and selected three students to adopt.
- I went to bed at 8:00 p.m. I knew storms were coming but the bad ones wouldn’t be until tomorrow.
- I prayed again for a peaceful sleep.
- I took my night time supplements, sprayed two melatonin sprays in my mouth, grabbed my soft blanket and put it to my cheek, and hugged a pillow as I slept on my side as if on a marshmallow, all snuggled into the crook of Jesus arm.
When I woke up today, aside from a little anxiety over the looming storms, I was in a great mood and in a great place. I thanked the Lord for his being there to reorder my evening and give me rest, just because I asked. I just needed some sleep, my God, a little down time, and a little time to let my mind rest whether watching, reading, cleaning or sleeping.
Today it’s like the last two days never happened. I came home finished the video, doing this blog, took care of Dexter, had a long conversation with Mom, Face Timed with Katy and River, ate dinner with George, and read a chapter in my book. And I’m about to lay my head down again for slumber, after checking on the World Bible School.
Seasonal disorder is a real thing, but I think in most of us there are “perfect storms” that seem to break us down this time of year. A series of several things going on at once coupled with the lack of proper nutrients or sunshine, or downtime at a particular time, and amidst a few occurrences that are negative – just send us spiraling. And for me, all the goal setting, the hype of trying to get things done amidst year end, quarter end, month end, and all else that keeps ramping up, is just so overwhelming – the pressure I put on myself. It will calm some in the coming months. But it seemed hopeless the last couple of days.
I’m glad to know, that prayer and the steps He led me to in the sequencing of the rest of the evening was the perfect thing I needed to get back on track. I’m content, mind is once again relaxed, I am no longer feeling like a failure all around, just a bad few days, and looking forward to the weekend where I have more time for rest and rejuvy – and yes maybe a project or two. At least my heart will be in it whereas the last two days I felt like I didn’t have a heart, that I was no count, no good for anyone, not even myself. I went through this last year, and the year before. My heart is back. For today anyway.