Tag: Depression

Urgent Follow Up Needed for Previous Post

On By BackporchwriterIn Uncategorized2 Comments
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Wow, when do I ever post twice in one day? Today!

So, I feel like I need to follow up on the previous post after all the comments I got today. I really felt bad. I’m ok really. The post this morning was mainly to say that God is helping me and a bit of grace and gratitude along with Him was going to be the answer.

It was kinda sideswiped though by my mention of various things that I have been through or had on my mind and that is what you all stuck on. So it’s my fault for focusing on all that too much.

Yes, I’ve been up and down into somewhat of a depression, and as you know just trying to figure out how to adjust our lives a bit to get everything done that everyone needs to have done. I’ve vented, moaned and groaned over all of it this year. I’ve truly learned a lot about others, relationships, narcissism, and as mentioned have really spent some quality time trying to understand the dynamics of my world – what has been and what is to be. Most days I am content enough. And yes the past year has been rough.

So the things mentioned in previous post were not new things – but things on my mind for the past year or so. I wasn’t just having a bad day all of a sudden, although I probably should say that by Wednesday I’m pretty tired and maybe I shouldn’t even do a blog post during the work week, but I love to blab so I did. And I mentioned the video thing b/c it was a recent disappointment that really made me take a dive. It’s ok though, it’s happened before and it’s a learning curve like anything else. Everyone starting out with a YouTube channel goes through it I hear.

Your comments overwhelmed me – and I thank you for being concerned but felt bad that I had you all worried.

I do have a plan for my life in the immediate time frame and it is the following:

  • Quarter End is important and the month is half over and I’ll have to work extra hours the next two weeks which may impact some blog entries, but maybe not. I can schedule some ahead of time on topics that I’ve stashed away and can do that some.
  • I’m not giving up on the video channel, but I do have some changes in the works. The channel is very behind in time – like I was doing it, and I have a strategy to catch up to current time. And then the future of the channel will end up taking a different approach from the past. Bottom line is that it will end up being more topic based and less time based. It will still include scenes from our lives thrown in but will contain more meaning and more intentionally filmed segments.
  • The time crunch is better, so we will focus on the things that are urgent and make progress on less urgent things as time pass.

I’m ok. I really am. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. I am not wanting to create drama. But I have been sad, very sad. I am also very very resilient. And have a wonderful God. I also have some good family and friends that support. And while times have been tough lately, I’ve been harder on myself than usual and in my head so much I am confusing myself. Oh gosh I would love to have a therapist but honestly there is nothing they can do for me but confuse me more. There are some things I’m just not going to have answers for. There are some things that are just set in stone that I refuse and will not change, so as always I’ll adjust my sails. And that is ok as the main thing is – it’s my decision and as long as it’s my decision I’m good with that.

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I’m learning to find joy, seek God, and self-parent myself. lol So it’s all good. Yes, I had beat myself up lately, and I have a problem on fixating on the negative things in my life, as I want them to be all good. I know that about myself and admit it, so we are all a work in progress.

I hope that my blog has been something that has been helpful for others as they see what I go through. When I come out of the other side of something, I usually post about it. I feel like I’m coming out of this winter and spring’s funk. Sometimes I come out and then go back into it. Rainy days and lack of sleep and not eating right make it worse. That is always a struggle.

Truly I’m all good and I love the fact that we have a community here of support. It’s two ways you know. Let me know if you need my help on anything as you all have helped and supported me.

I also don’t expect ya’ll to watch the videos, lol. So don’t feel like you failed me. Those that read blogs for pleasure usually are not going to be the ones to stop and watch and watch a YouTube video. Sadly. And Tik Tok seems to be the going thing for entertainment. lol. It’s quick. I’ve not found my niche yet because it’s hard to connect to the people that I’m really wanting to watch. Women like me who are entertained by watching other women in their lifestyle – people who are 50 to 70 ish who just want to be entertained by another’s life, and “time out has new meaning” was/is my theme for “whatever we’ve been up to”. But it’s ok. I like the challenge of figuring it out.

As far as people making fun of me and talking about me – well that is what I fear or imagine. I don’t really know if they are or not. It’s the story we tell ourselves, the negative thoughts, the fear of the unknown.

But I’m ok really and I REALLY REALLY appreciate every one of you.

So I will be back when I can. I have to focus on quarter end, get through these bad storms on the way ::sigh::, and get our Easter meal done. I’m happy, excited, and it’s gonna be ok. George and I have an outing Friday. Then next week I’ll focus hard on quarter end so that the last week of the month is not so stressful. So I may be here less, or may have some “fill in” fun material for you.

Stay postponed. Love you guys. Who says you can’t have friends on cyber space? My previous post made things sound worse than they are and I apologize for that. It’s all good.

God, Grace & Gratitude Gets the Focus

On By BackporchwriterIn Happiness, Life, Spiritual13 Comments

You’ve probably seen this picture before if you are not new to the blog. I saw it in my photos and decided it was a perfect focus for this period of time in my life, and also for the start of this blog post.

Each week is a struggle for me, a battle. As a person who feels too much and pushes it down (or writes about it), and a person who analyzes too much (and still doesn’t come up with an answer for life), and a person who seeks joy, but rarely finds it (because of the previous two things), I find that this simple quote brings me peace.

I have plenty to be thankful for in the midst of this season of life trying to run me over as if I’m a thrown out cup on the side of the road. So what, if only twenty-two people watched the last video I worked so hard on and was proud of, so what if I goof up and make a mistake at work by putting down the wrong date, so what if most of my personal down time is not existent anymore, so what if we don’t get to see friends anymore, so what that life feels so alone most of the time in a world full of interesting people, so what if I don’t get to travel and explore the world like I thought I’d get to do some day, so what if I’m no longer in control of most of my life (unless I left everyone behind and ran away, lol), so what if others don’t like who I am, don’t appreciate or see any value in me as a person. So what! So What! So what!

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I can choose to lay in bed and wallow and feel sorry for myself.

I can choose to chase my tail in circles and find new strategies (that also seem to fail me).

I can give up on all I’m striving for. (That’s looking like a really good about right now – no goals, no aspirations, no worries, no trying.)

I can take a break and come back and try YET AGAIN (probably will do that –again).

I can whine, blog, vent, fuss, cry (been there done that).

I can let my thinking continue to be negative and tell myself that no one likes me, loves me, cares for me. That everyone is tired of me, doesn’t understand me, rather not be near me. That I’m a failure at work, at home, at play, at video creation and that basically God made a mistake when he made me and that He only made me so everyone would have someone to judge, punish, criticize, make fun of, hate, and talk about.

I can do all those things, and have.

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Or I can let God, Grace, and Gratitude take over my life, sit at the wheel and make the decisions for me. I am a pitiful human that only He can make perfect. We can beat ourselves up for all that we have failed or continue to fail, for all we do wrong, for mistakes we make. We can analyze ourselves and others to the moon and back trying to understand why we are the way we are and how to fix things, or make things better, make people like us, read us, watch us, spend time with us (time we don’t have), or we can just give all the worries to God and let Him make our lives perfect in Him.

I’m afraid that is what I have to do. I just notice I said “afraid”. Yes, I am afraid to let Him have control. I have fought to have control for so long. But it’s the only way I can be at peace. The devil is shaking in His boots right now because He sees an internal change taking place and shape within me. He doesn’t know what is up, and frankly I don’t myself. But the devil has been throwing curve balls increasingly.

He (the devil) stirs up all kinds of things everywhere and from every angle to discourage me, make me look bad, make me feel bad and to hit me in the knees and make me buckle over to stop me. He should know me better than that. He should know God better than that. If He had he wouldn’t have fallen from heaven and from grace. His pride got in the way.

But God humbles us in our pride if we are in Him and He gives us hope and something to reach for. He forgives and shows compassion. He leads us to the right paths when we don’t know where to go. He comforts when we are depressed. He lets us rest in Him when we are weary.

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I’m at a low point right now in this season of life I’m in, but it’s ok. I have God picking me up and lifting me higher. Maybe even to a new purpose. I don’t know. I’m trying to be persistent in my goals because that is what is ingrained within me. I’m trying not to be disheartened by this life. I am anyway, but God, Grace, and Gratitude will get me through. God is the one that is in charge of this game we call life and even though we may play our own chess pieces, He makes good come from every move, leads us as we make our moves, and He will play the end of the game, just as He does. And we know who wins in the end.

I will “Embrace What is and Forge Forward” as I always do. I won’t give up. I will fight the fight. I will keep the faith. I will not let my own negative thinking, or negative people consume me. I will bury my grudges against all in a mind visual of burning them into the fire, one by one and they will all be gone with the wind. And if these storms are bad tonight, we might all be. :-O

Deep session today, but not really. We are all deep. Sometimes deep in manure. lol. Sometimes deep in thought. I realize we don’t have to dive in deep anymore, we can just “Let Go” and “Let God” – sorry to use an expression that so many have worn out, but when you get right down to it, that seems to boil it up.

My focus right now is on quarter end, getting Mom what she needs, giving George some time on Friday, pulling our easter meal together this weekend. More on that later.

Be back on Friday friends.

Sunshine in My Soul

On By BackporchwriterIn Beauty, Psyche, Self-Help9 Comments
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Two nights ago as I lay in bed in prayer and conversation with the Lord having heaviness in my heart and depression in my soul. He promised me I would awake a new person Sunday morning and would be filled with joy, beauty, and enjoy living again. He promised there would be sunshine in my soul again. Sunday seemed to be a transition day when I awoke. A day of acknowledging, purging, letting go, forgetting, and cleansing. And today when I woke up the image of a sun brighter than this sunflower was in my head as clear as if it were shining right in front of my face. Try as I may to remember the woes of the previous weeks, I cannot recall them. He is pushing the dark clouds away from my mind and filling me with sunshine.

Yesterday, I blogged my heart out. I wrote all that I was feeling and it included a lot of information about who I am, and about things that happened in the past that haunt my soul at times. I actually erased all the examples as it was too raw to see in writing. My intention was not to hurt anyone but purge with the support of my friends here. Facts are facts and sometimes we have to face them, whether we write them or read them. It’s not easy for either side. But I have stared at the facts face on and I’m no longer afraid to face them. I’m not running from them anymore. I’m not going to be afraid to have difficult conversations if they need to be had or faced by anyone else. I’m not afraid to protect myself and my psyche. I’m not afraid to be me. And I am worthy of being regardless of what anyone else says or thinks of me. A new conversational motto is going to be in effect immediately and it is: “if you want to go down this road, then let’s go there with gusto and let’s talk about this”. Others might should be very afraid to have that conversation with me. But I am to the point now where I will say what I want and need to say – fact filled. If the truth makes one feel bad, well that’s just tough love.

God has also followed up the sunshine graphic he placed in my head this morning with the scripture of the fruit of the Spirit. I guess He is letting me know He is here and in charge! 😉 He is our Protector and our Safe Tower and we can run to Him. And we can consider it JOY in times of trouble, and in trials, because He will refine us like silver.

We can wallow in the mud and the muck and throw arrows and allow thorns and place thorns or we can allow the sunshine to fill our hearts and rise above it and walk the road of life again. I’m choosing the latter.

Yes it helped to have the first day at home all day in 14 days of being gone all day. Much was accomplished that we were not able or had the mind to do in the evenings. George worked in the yard and did our taxes.

I did my Joy devotional, blogged, fixed a smoothie, changed my sheets, vacuumed, finished the laundry, ironed, restocked my work bag (food items/drink items), refilled my vitamin bins, mopped the kitchen floor, gave George a hair cut, updated the Mac software, deleted some Mac files, started the next video, watched a couple of YouTuber shows, and broke down the bed in my office to go downstairs. It felt good to get some things done and to actually have a day at home.

So this week is a busy one. I have a doc appointment myself at 5:20 today. I’m glad my doctor does some days early and some days late. He tries to work in before and after work hours during the week on various days. This is mainly to get BP meds refilled.

Tomorrow we are going to a Predator’s game!

Wednesday we have a customer appreciation event to go to – if we are still going. It’s up in the air.

Thursday night I’m getting my nails done.

Friday we will enjoy being home for a night!

Saturday is our home day to get things done. I will be working on the sunroom and opening it up for the warm days of spring and early summer. I will get the Easter decor out as we are planning an Easter dinner here. I have some Amazon orders to do and also will be cooking some as George does projects outside. I tried to cook a bit more in the summer. So I’m getting some recipes together and will need to get ingredients on the grocery list and planned out. Will get all the weekend reboot things done.

Sunday will be church day and any Mom errands. And hoping to get back early afternoon for video editing, but at least I’m set up with the next video and can work on that some during the week too.

As for Mom, We still need to go to ATT. So we can try to do that after church next Sunday if she wants to go. I will also be trying to find her a patio table and chairs. She gave me hers that she was getting rid of in my twenties and she wants one like it. I just can’t give it back as we like to eat on it in the sun room. But she had told me she wants one just like it. I figured she wanted that one back but didn’t want to ask for it. I have had it 25 years and can’t part with it, lol. Need to try and find a cabinet she wants for the laundry room.

So I’m going to get ready and go in. It’s month end again and quarter end. I was off half of Friday so I’ll have some payroll items to attend to today on top of my normal Monday items and then I’ll have to leave in a rush at day’s end to get to my doc appt and won’t be able to stay late to work on ME/QE. Tomorrow is payroll day and Pred’s game. I predict the week will go by fast! As we are busier than normal on all fronts. April will soon be here. I will also be working on our summer bucket list which I intend to start May 1, most likely. I’m surprised but we’ve done a lot on our bucket list for Winter into Spring.

Over and out and it might be Wed or Thurs or even the weekend before I’m back. I am feeling the urge to take a little break from blogging. While it has been very cathartic, it’s time to rest for a bit but I won’t be gone long. Matter of fact usually when I say that I’m back as quick as I left, lol. We’ll see. Have a great week in case I’m not back til the weekend. Be safe and take care of yourself. Til then my friends.