Anger, Resilience, Determination and First Day of Starting New Habits

It is Friday morning here just before 6:00 a.m. And I’m glad for a small break of a weekend if you can call it that. It’s been a busy and wooly week. By that I mean stressful. And I mean in nearly every aspect. It’s month end/quarter end at work and issues are never ending at home.

I can sit there with an average to moderately perfect work load for 6 weeks with things rolling along like silk but let it be quarter end, and that is when everything has to happen at once it seems . For example this quarter end: new garnishments arrive, employee’s suddenly need 12 weeks of their check stubs, we hire people in new states and new tax accounts have to be set up, new sets up in the system don’t take and the tax records come out wrong, computer glitch emails decide not to show up because a server changed causing a domino impact – no emails of receiving PTO requests, caused things not to be paid, causing me to have to set up funding on emergency card, surprise payrolls occurred at the last minute after reports are printed, therefore needing a reprint. You know, the typical full moon scenario where Murphy’s law kicks into high gear. It’s like all the fans at a football stadium trying to enter the same door on game day all at once. lol. You plan to stay ahead but not everyone does so it leaves you doing things two and three times over and shaking your head going “what just happened?”. It’s like a double full moon. Only it’s not a full moon.

And then there is home. I’m trying to stay above water. Mom’s next Move is looming as her closing nears and the final touches are made on her new home. I’ve planned out the PTO for the year so I’ll know what I can use for her move. I turned in my requests since it involves Fridays so someone can plan to be there in my absence to sign A/P checks for the dates I will be out. I get home and Mom announces we have to go pick out new flooring. Well that’s 1/2 a day I’ll need off as the Design Center doesn’t open on the weekends – shame on them. I blurted out to George “I may as well just quit my job.” I felt bad for saying it. I’m just overwhelmed at work right now and having just planned the PTO for the rest of the year – it just hit me at the wrong time.

I’ve feared for my job because we have had multiple doctor’s appointments – both hers and mine and I’ve even put off having some of my critical ones – such as my colonoscopy and gynecological appts – even with having pain in my abdomen at times – just so I don’t take off so much. But if I took off as much as I needed – there would be no time for work. So I’m trying to keep a Full Time job here and the struggle is real.

And this is where I get very angry and mad at my sister for not being here to help. I’m sorry, but this is life and life is real. And I am very angry right now at life in general. And it doesn’t exclude my anger toward her absence. I’ve decided that anger is ok. You let it come and go. I’ve been sitting here for a few weeks reading two chapters a day about God’s anger against his people for the things they have done wrong. If He can be angry. So can I. The difference is He destroyed entire cities of people when they didn’t turn their ways. I won’t do that. lol I’ll let him be the judge and handle any punishment He has in store. But I’m angry and I am acknowledging it. We need help but we are all being shunned here and I, much like the Lord, do not take that lightly. I’m doing a lesson on how to forgive when someone keeps doing the same things (or not doing what they are supposed to). I mean how do you deal with that? How do you forgive when you can’t forget and it’s in your face every day? This is not ok, and it’s a situation where this lack of action will NEVER be ok with me. The damage that is done, is not repairable where it is not fixable. I don’t get it. None of it.

But yet another day has passed, and the sun comes up as we look through it from our dirty windshields of our lives. Another opportunity to try and fix our anger, fix what is broken, fix the world, fix our schedules, update our PTO requests, try again to lose weight, try again to keep everyone happy and satisfied and settled, and get another cup of morning coffee as we watch the sun rise upon our day and our continued “opportunities”.

What a way to start October 1st. The day of my new challenge. A day of 55 days to create hope of having new behaviors, new ways, new habits. More water intake, a healthier diet, more reading to reach goals (including forgiveness), an increase in serving others, and increased movements. Any improvements to be made will be helpful. SMART goals set! They are attainable! And I can’t think of a better time than now, because I need hope that things will be better.

At lunch yesterday I made this tracker. Just to help me focus. It’s not as detailed as I like but simple is better. I know what my move goals and reading goals are so there is no need to have a check box but I think I do need the reminder/tracker for the food parts.

This week, I feel like I’ve let my self be crushed under the weight of it all. I kinda feel like this old house in our neighborhood looks. I have felt insufficient, incomplete, not enough and it has left me angry and ultimately like an old wet noodle that just wants to slide down the table and land on the floor in a heap and just be done. I feel like an old battered house that is just an eye sore and a detriment to all. A body that can do no good, but only harm. I try so hard. With so little to show for it.

But that is not me. No I’m resilient, determined, and I don’t stay down for long. I cling to hope, dreams, goals, plans, and keep trying. I keep trying to do what I’m supposed to do- to work, to care for those around me, and to try to make something of my life – even if my only successes are little. My spirit is stomped but I’ll be back.

The good news is Mom texted yesterday while I was at work and said “flooring situation solved”. They found something same color but bigger planks. So we don’t have to go in. Another day off averted. It was not going to be good to take off this month during quarter end. I can’t even get time to even work on quarter end with all the other stuff going on at work. So being off would have been an issue. So one issue is averted.

I always get the new planner in October. We are already looking at the first of the year. Flights must be made for Texas and rental car booked.

It’s Oct 1 and it will be busier than an airport at the holidays every day from here until about March. March 1 is becoming my new year in my head. January is going to be busy. February will be a catch up and catch all month. March I can start new things, new programs, new solutions, new goals for the blog, YouTube, and life in general.

Ahhhhhhh. Lord help us all. Hang on! It’s gonna be a crazy ride for the next few months as we move Momma, get ready for and “enjoy” the Holidays, as tired as we’ll be, and get Mom settled in the new place, and head to Texas, do m/e, q/e and y/e at work in Jan (help us all). Feb and March hopefully of 2022 will bring a sigh of relief, and maybe a new dog? That alone makes me smile, but we gotta get through all this first.

I’ll see you for a quick moment in the morning! I’m so glad it’s Friday!

His Mercies are New Every Morning, but Not Necessarily is Anyone Else’s! LOL

A coworker gave me this book, and I had rearranged my office early in the year and created a prayer journal. On the first page I gave myself “guidance” at what should be written within the pages. Since then I have written in it every day and late in the week last week, I wrote on the last page. At the end of the book I had written back in January, a reminder to read glance back through and SEE what all the LORD had answered.

That said, I “thought” we had the issue of “church” resolved, but I should have known better. The week before we were a minute late so I didn’t want us to be late this week since it takes us all 10 minutes to gather things, lock up, get in the car and actually pull out the drive so I said “let’s leave at 8:05 instead of 8:15”. So we did. We had 8 minutes to spare as we crawled into the pew. I was pleased we did so well.

About then Mom said “Do I hear music?” I tried to figure out what she was talking about and faintly you could hear some calm and soothing music before the worship service started. I said “yes”. She said it had instruments in it and that wasn’t right. Then I realized what she was doing. I leaned over and said “I am trying so hard to please you. If you don’t like this church then PICK ANOTHER ONE! And good luck with that because you are not going to like any of them as they won’t be perfect.” She retorted that she had raised me better than that to accept music in the worship building. I told her I didn’t limit my worship of God to the church building like she did. And that because of that if I lived by “her rules” I would have to be forced to listening to AC/DC’s Highway to Hell going down the road instead of listening to a Christian station that would encourage my soul, so I don’t just expel music with instruments just because it contains a Godly message or has instruments. What good does that do a person to just delete music from your life when you believe in worshipping God all week long and not just on Sunday. She said she wished she had just stayed at home and not moved up here. Which was a verbal slap to my face after all we have done to get her here.

Worship service started at that point and she said she didn’t want to go to a liberal church and then I said “then pick another one!!!!” and she began talking to the air with her fists balled up – words that were meant for me that she couldn’t say out loud, I’m sure. And then she lowered her head began crying. I looked around and saw George was like “what in the heck?” and others were looking.

I filled George in on what was going on and he said “well do we need to leave now?” I said “ABSOLUTELY NOT”. I got up early, showered, dressed to come in to worship and I was bot going to let her ruin worship for us. She sat the service with crossed arms and didn’t sing. She can let Satan get in the way of her worship if she needs to but I was not letting him get in the way of mine. I also stayed for Sunday school. For the record. There was no instrumental music in the worship service. I’m sure all of these people, including my mother don’t turn off the radio when God is mentioned in a song that has instruments outside of the service. I understand where she is coming from the but logic does not make sense to me. God’s point is that he wants us to focus on Him with our hearts. With her being this way it was taking our focus off of Him and onto the music. She was making the exact issue she was trying to avoid. And I can assure you this was NOT pleasing to our Lord, this exchange at the time we should be focusing on Him. So try that thought on for size.

We came home and she holed up in her room all afternoon and came out before dinner.

I’m over the church drama. She needs to 1) either pick a church or 2) shut up and eave mine alone. The ball has been in her court THE ENTIRE TIME. She HOLDS THE CHURCH CARD. She just needs to tell me what she wants or where she wants to go. She can have her way if she wants it. Just PICK ONE ALREADY or HUSH UP!

If she were not 76 I would think she was a teenager! I’m mean wooooosh! I am worn out over this issue. I am now VERY angry in my heart at the scene of yesterday. I mean really. Does there always have to be drama. I can write about this b/c it was a public event folks – this is not taking place in the comfort of home but a public place. If you had been there you could have seen and heard it – especially if you are on a pew around us. I’m almost embarrassed to go back now. But at least everyone can see what I have to deal with and what kind of life I have had. My opinions and thoughts have not been allowed to be my own. And I’m just wrong if my opinion does not agree with hers.

And that is why I am the way that I am. If you think I’m stubborn? There is a reason we come from the Mule capital of the world. And it was appropriate that I drank from my Mule town mug yesterday. Although I didn’t know it at the time when I picked it out to have my coffee. Maybe I should find some fruits of the spirit coffee cups. We seem to be missing those around these parts!

George, bless his heart, aside from God and His comforter that He sends, is my rock through all of this. He grounds me, comforts me, and gives me guidance. Both of them. Otherwise we had freaking yelling matches when we got home. I was yelled at and heard the yelling enough as a child growing up. I will not put up with it in my home. But I will defend myself and yell back to get my point heard. I couldn’t do that back then or I’d get smacked. My opinion never mattered. But I’m 58 now and my opinion does matter. And in this case, I’ve offered to take here where she wants and so she just needs to either pick a place or leave me alone about this one. Cut the drama before I cut the cord like my sister did. She completely drew her boundary away from Mom. I believe in honoring your parents. So I’m trying to do God’s will and honor my mother. She has the card in her hand and just needs to use it instead of creating the church issue every Sunday. Well to be fair 2 of the 3 Sunday’s have had drama.

Looking back after I’ve slept on it, Sunday’s were not a lot much better growing up. If ever a day there was going to be drama or anger or bitterness, it was ON SUNDAY. I don’t know why. I just remember dreading every Sunday. It was hectic getting ready and getting out of the house. Everyone got ready at once. We had one bathroom. Everyone would be mad when we got in the car. Well Mom would, I would, and my sister would. Dad, bless his heart would go get donuts, biscuits and do his best to lighten the mood. He was always so quiet in spirit. I guess that is why they got together, Mom could do the talking for him. She likes to be in control, lol.

Then Dad would take us out to eat for lunch so everyone would be in a good mood going home. To restate my point here. I loved going to church as a child. I enjoyed it and learned a lot. I worshipped my Lord, was baptized at the church. But there was always drama going to it and coming back from it. Mom was always in a hurry to get away from it and didn’t always like to hang around after and fellowship. She liked to go straight to the car. That is another issue we are having as well. She is ready to dart out the door and well, we could have done on line service if we were not going to fellowship. So Mom is having to grab a chair and wait. She has made comments to let me know that is not acceptable to her, like “we thought we were going to have to send out an army to find you”. I had been gone less than 10 minutes talking to friends I had not seen in a year and a half.

So this is my world. There is no use hiding it. It just is what it is. I have always said if you don’t like what you see about yourself on the blog, then change your ways. This is what happened to me yesterday. So I’m writing about it. It shouldn’t have happened but it did.

So George fixed a wonderful rib dinner.

Here’s what’s on the menu board this week.

Here is the beans from the bean soup we’ll be having later in the week. The cherry tomatoes are some that George grew. The deer have found the bush though now. Sadly.

There was corn cakes with our meal last night! Slathered some butter right on it. George had some kind of relish he put on the beans but warned us it was hot!

He made a really good homemade slaw. My plate below!

My tummy is better now that I had a DAY of letting my tummy digest. It worked. I will also not eat a lot during the day time the next few days.

Ahhhhh…..well several of you enjoyed the video I released yesterday. It was not the best of the best, but then again it was winter and we didn’t have much to share other than the snow and our little Valentine’s excursion. I will begin working on the next one in a week or so but I want to stop and work on some files from my phone and camera since May 1. I want to also work on my office a bit – need to dust and do some filing of personal documents and such. I also may have to stop and get ready for them to come and do the flooring. I don’t want to start on that until I know when they are coming in case they can’t get materials or have to schedule it out. I will wait as late as I can before putting things up (Nic Nacs and things we use often that is on furniture). I don’t want to be inconvenienced for weeks!

Here’s what on the schedule this week.

  1. Mom’s Birthday on Tuesday – She doesn’t like us very much right now as we are heathens and she wishes she hadn’t come to stay with us as she has said, so she may not want to spend it with us, lol, but we are all she has right now – so we’ll take her out to eat.
  2. George works from home Tuesday and is going to set up the flooring – doing the finance option of so many months same as cash and will set up the timing for them to come. And we’ll know more then anyway.
  3. Wed morning at 6 a.m. I have a physical. I made it early to not miss much work.
  4. I will take her for her hair appt on Wed after work.
  5. Thursday after work, we are doing trivia with the neighbors.
  6. If we don’t have anything planned Saturday, I’m calling it to go find a some more jean capris. I need more casual pants. And I will do some sale shopping. I’m calling it. I need some time away before I go bezerk and just run away for good! lol
  7. Then next Monday a week from today is Mom’s heart appointment at 8:00 a.m. and I’ll be late to work that day. I will have to work extra in the week to make up for that b/c it’s quarter end and I need to NOT get behind with that. Right now I’m about on target I think.
  8. Then we will focus on George’s birthday and my nephew Kadon’s birthday.

Thanks for letting me vent today. I’m just trying so hard to make things right but it doesn’t matter how hard I try it’s NEVER good enough. Others have to do their part too and on the church thing, if the current church is not the fix – then she needs to pick one. Til then we will just keep doing the same thing and pleasing ourselves.

Anyway, Mom’s been told that. So her fate is in her own hands. And has been all along. She has made all of these decisions on her own. We have simply carried them out.

How Not to Let Others Push Your Buttons

Photo by Maksim Romashkin on Pexels.com

I chose this pic for today’s blog post because the picture best reflects the topic for today, How Not to Let Other’s Push Your Buttons, which is really the topic of: How We Got to be Who We are, Why We React the Way We Do, and How to Handle That. Why we are who we are and we got that way is a huge complex mass, with cracks, clumps, connections, bubbles, darkness, and confusion. But there is good news. We can break through it all to clear skies and sunshine, with a little bit of help, a little bit of looking back, and a little bit of looking forward. Knowing God helps.

I decided to blog about this today because of a Podcast I listened to this week by Amy Smith, of the Joy Junkie Podcast through my iPhone app. It resonated a lot with me and helped me to look back on a few things in my life, so that I could look forward in life and be able to react or handle some relationships differently. It seems like we often have recurrences in life of people that can “push our buttons”! So how do we deal with that differently and keep that from happening?

A lot of our personality being is from God, who created us in our Mother’s womb, and who knows the number of hairs on our heads, but a lot of who we are and how we handle ourselves, come from our youth from ages 0 to 8. Our experiences and our roles models in EVERYTHING WE DID or SAW, formed our brains, our minds, our opinions and our reactions. From about 0 to 8, as a child, everything said was fact. At that age you have no way to discern, you simply take everything as fact.

Our feelings though start at a much younger age. One usually remembers how they feel or felt regarding certain things that happened in their life. Irregardless of the person(s) making them feel that way, their intent, or their reason, we STILL felt emotions regarding certain events. Those emotions – if negative ones – rallied ourselves into creating defense mechanisms to be able to cope with those emotions.

Listening to this podcast made me look back into my life and recall the negative emotions I experienced from childhood and up into some present times in my life. Which we ALL have had. Everyone of us has had negative experiences and negative feelings. Doing this was very eye opening as I could see patterns. Patterns that began early in childhood and persisted, in the way I react to situations and to people. Now I’m not going to go in detail about my personal life here as to what caused my negative emotions as it would shed negative light on others and that is not my intent at all. But I do want to share this with you today because of the way it made me feel after I did this look back exercise. It freed me in many ways from some tangles that beheld me. I learned a lot about myself and that is what the purpose of it is, to learn about yourself and to free yourself from negative emotions linked to the past especially within your relationships, and to learn where you need to set boundaries, and not allow buttons to be pushed. That part about boundaries, I was already getting pretty good at as it’s a lesson I’ve already learned. Not an expert, but I usually have no problem establishing and giving boundaries.

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova on Pexels.com

The Root of our Emotions

I experienced fear at times of certain people in my life, feeling some things were unfair or unjust at times, and later developed some anger surrounding some things that I couldn’t change and toward those that would spawn negative energies around me. I sometimes felt trapped. I remember at times feeling like I didn’t have an outlet for these feelings and didn’t know what to do, so I just cried. Aha! That is why I cry at first when I’m misunderstood or misjudged or mistreated! I also remember feeling judged and criticized, and often felt like I had to have justification for everything I did or didn’t do. Aha! That is where my defensiveness was born! Having to explain or justify my every move, a list of 1, 2, 3 reasons why I thought a certain way, acted a certain way, did a certain thing, etc. I often felt I didn’t have a voice as someone usually spoke for me or over me. Aha! That is why I cut people off today midstream and mid thought – it was a learned reaction and I needed to do that to be able to have my own thought heard! And so forth…..

So you see what I did here?

Here’s how to go back and revisit negative emotions early on in life, so you can learn why you react the way you do, what defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms you developed.

  • Remember negative emotions you had as a child in your younger days, as a teen, as an adult, in past relationships or situations. What were they? Remember the specific incidents.
  • Don’t focus on the other person that made you feel that way or what their intentions were – just focus on you. How did you react or feel?
  • How did you cope with that? What was your defense mechanism?
  • BAM! Do you see the link between your younger formative years and now?

Knowing that is very freeing. You can begin to change your reactions and your outlook because once you know that and can see the patterns, you can focus on the future ways you want to react or feel or cope.

Is it OK to Revisit the Past?

We are often told not to visit the past as it makes you hold grudges or bring these thoughts to the forefront where you will bring it up in a more recent argument with others. And of course that can be true. But I DO think we have to go back and wrestle with the past so that we can drop off that damn baggage, (I’m sorry but baggage needed a curse word here), that tries to control us and haunt us at every turn down the path.

Taking it a step further though into the REASON why someone may have made you feel a certain negative emotion. Now you can visit why by using EMPATHY. Did the person really mean to hurt you? Was their actions warranted? It is possible we did not rationale this situation appropriately. Did they really have ill intent? Selfish Intent? They may have done something out of hate or out of selfishness or maybe you just thought they did. Just recognize this and think about it and then let it go. If you conclude it was ill intent – that is NOT on you. If you conclude that it was not ill intent, you can begin to work though some things within yourself to understand that. It’s easier as now you have identified the most important thing – that “oh it probably wasn’t something I should have taken personal” and BAM, problem solved.

Photo by Yaroslav Shuraev on Pexels.com

The whole purpose of this exercise is so that you can realize that you don’t have to allow others to own your emotions. Once you try to understand how a person pushed your buttons initially – you start to understand why – and then you can decide to release it. It doesn’t mean a person’s actions are OK if you release it, you are just not going to let the actions own you or ruin your day.

Will you be able to fix an issue permanently?

Probably not. The original button pushing feeling may emerge again and again causing a chain reaction of emotions. You can’t change others, but you can change yourself. Just realize what is going on, don’t harbor your anger or negative emotions. Don’t let them control you. Approach your thoughts with clarity and calmness. Anger only muddles the mind. Claim your mind as your own. Free yourself.

HOW TO GUARD YOUR BUTTONS:

  1. RECOGNIZE WHY YOUR BUTTON IS BEING PUSHED. (Exercise above).
  2. You can find ways to release the negative energy
  3. Limit your time around those with negative energy.
  4. Be kind to the person giving you the negative energy. Don’t let anything be on YOU.
  5. Control your own reactions. Set a time later to continue the conversation if needed.
  6. Lead with Love!
  7. Realize you are NOT in charge of the negative person’s reactions. Just yours.
  8. Set boundaries with the negative person pushing your buttons.
  9. Refocus you mind on other things that need your attention
  10. Set a timer to schedule a time to think about it later (you will be less angry, less bothered for rational thinking)
  11. Do or plan fun things to do
  12. Focus on the positive
  13. Breathe deeply ten deep breaths, positive in, exhale negative out
  14. Spend some time in nature
  15. Talk and release with a friend
  16. Drink a glass of wine and toss a cheer to yourself for being insightful
  17. Have a cup of coffee (home brewed or cafe out) and smile because good coffee is oh so good!
  18. Come read my blog and I’ll always have something for you to focus on, lol.
  19. Leave me a comment and I’ll love you forever.
  20. Watch my YouTube Channel and we will be BFF’s forever and ever and ever.

Ok a little humor there at the end, but yeah – Humor is probably the one and only thing that could resolve all of this in one big swoop. Throw humor in there and that’s all the perspective you need!

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I hope this has helped. I was so excited to have listened to this podcast. And it sent me soaring down a path that really helped me and I was excited to share with you. Let me know what you thought.