We have had lots of beautiful sunrises and sunsets and rainbows. I’ll scatter the pics across today’s post. The camera doesn’t quite catch the beauty, especially in the window. I’ve used my photo editing on the Mac to try and correct the photo to what I actually saw. The iPhone camera seems to be deteriorating over time. Is that possible? It just doesn’t have the precision it used to, but soon I’ll be upgrading to the 13 – either Pro or Max – not sure which.
I hesitate to even blog today. Have mostly been working on quarter end and the next video while at home. Thank goodness at home, I’ve had less to do. It’s the calm that God is delighting us with before the storm of a busy season and moving again of Mom and getting her settled.
I only have two more returns to do today and both are bigger ones. The federal return for Transport, I stayed and worked on yesterday and have a draft copy ready to go. I will seek advisement from my boss on the COVID amounts and how that impacts it. I will let her look at it before sending it in to have it blessed before I do. I also have an STT return to do and pay the tax for – for Oregon. That takes about 1.5 to 2 hours and the computer (online) does not save your work for manual entry. So you have to have something to drink, have been to the bathroom, and a good stretch of time, and no interruptions because if times out – you are screwed and have to start all over. Can you tell I’ve been there done that?
I had a return yesterday that even though it had a save button, I didn’t know that the system had already timed me out. I had stopped to answer a question or phone call or something like that and went back to it. (This was doing the Oregon “all in one” return where I have to manually enter all the employees, their earnings, their withholdings, their hours worked). I entered everyone and it let me but when I went to save it – it would not do anything. I printed out the page before trying to save it (thank goodness) as I had looked up all that info from various reports. But I had timed out and it went back to the log in. (Insert eye roll emoji.) So putting it back at least when I entered it the 2nd time – I at least had a print out and didn’t have to look up the data from various sources again. Except it was in a different order (insert favorite eye roll emoji here). Then I was .52 cents off, lol lol. But I found it pretty quickly.
I wasn’t going to eat lunch out but this week I’ve not had any good frozen meals that looked appealing. I’ve eaten those for weeks now. And I don’t want McDonald’s which is the only fast food place really close without driving 10 to 15 minutes. So I went to Santa Fe and got fish tacos one day. It’s really close to work.
They were real corn tortilla’s. The fish was good and on my “list” of things to eat once a week at least. So it was all so good. And I was done in 45 minutes which was surprising.
I did the bad thing and went for fish and chicken dinner at Captain D’s yesterday. It was good to have the time away and my head out of the numbers and papers for a few minutes. It appeared that I would have time to get everything done and I’m on the last stretch and will barely make it.
We’ve had a lot of rainbows.
I’m sorry my iPhone camera is just not pulling through for me these days but hopefully it’s better than nothing. It was also a low light situation with the sun just coming up.
This was a great shot after work yesterday. There’s my car too.
A beautiful display of the storm squall as it passed through and also appeared to be dissipating. I’ve started taking the back roads. The interstates have been full of aggressive drivers lately, people just trying to run over you, pulling in front of you, tailing you, racing and threading in and out of traffic at high speeds. The trucks are going fast and often do not seem prepared to brake (some do and I give them credit), but the ones who don’t taint the outlook of having to drive with them around. Lately there have been people shot at on the interstate, pointing guns at people on the interstate, police chases, horrible wrecks shutting it down (of course, stupid drivers aggressive behavior catching up to them), fatalities, and you know, I want to live to see my grandchild grow up and be able to enjoy my retirement days. So I’ve decided to take backroads. It takes 10 to 15 minutes longer on some days but I just enjoy the ride now and go at safer speeds and usually the crazy people are on the interstate. Not always but usually as they are too impatient to take back roads. There are more lights and school zones. I just have a good audio book on and it gets me through. Or some good music. So my commutes are back up to 45 min long now instead of the 23 minutes on the interstate during virus times. But oh well. At least I’m safer. Not really sure what it will be like when I have to go to the new plant. All that remains to be seen and we’ll either readjust something or make some “difficult decisions”. A lot of our office employees live even further out than me and our offices will be moving south of town. I’m pretty worried about losing a lot of our office staff when the time comes. Some people already spend 45 to an hour getting there and will be looking at doubling their time. Change comes and it comes often and we have to be prepared. At least there are job openings everywhere now. Some even at home or anywhere you want to be as long as there is internet.
I love my job except for maybe a few weeks out of the year, this being one of them. It is not always a convenient job for being able to go see my family in Texas. Quarter end and holidays are always the best times for us personally to go but not the best time for me from a work standpoint. That has been tough. We wanted to go for Thanksgiving which is ideal personally and also for Katy but it puts too much stress on others that have to do my job when I’m gone. So we gave up that idea. Only 3 years to retirement. But we’ll have to see what this move brings and how long the drive is on the back roads because I don’t want to take the interstate. That is in an even rougher part of town.
We have enough going on right now though than to worry about the office job location change and commute. We’ll worry about that one later. Right now we are about to embark on moving Momma again.
Monday we see the house from the inside for the first time. And then a week from today is closing. We are all getting excited. We are not excited for the move itself. I worry about George but it will be easier and we can take our time this time. Mom will have to buy a lot of appliances. We’ll have to line shelves and all that. It’s going to take a bit to get it all settled enough for her to move in. But it’s about to happen.
I like to organize and decorate so will help her with that. I also like unpacking but it’s hard when it’s someone else’s stuff.
I’m also looking forward to having my big bed back, my closet back, my bathroom back and more space across the board. I’m looking forward to us eating while we watch a show and not at the table, so we have time to watch our shows again. George has to rush to the back to Mom’s room where his computer is to pay the bills and do things on line so he is usually doing that after dinner – either that or delaying dinner by doing it before. He often would get in there in the mornings but she is asleep so he can’t do it then. It’s been a reshuffle for sure on our routine but it’s been for a good cause and we knew it was only temporary. When I move back into my bedroom, I will have the bigger closet space and shelving and can get my fall clothes out and will have my shoe rack back instead of this two little baskets I’ve been using. Then I can put my office stuff back in the closet shelves and bring my extra office table back and my supplies and camera equipment can sit about again and I can get the office stuff out from the baskets under the bed. I have to stand on my head to get any thing out of them. So I’m glad Mom will have her own space and we can go back to what we are used to. And to our routines. I’m also going to be glad to have my recliner back. I’ve missed it!
So not only do we have to move Mom but we’ll be doing some internal moves in our own house as well getting things back to the way we like them. Even little things like having my robe hang in the bathroom instead of the bedroom and having my towel rack back. And not having to change the bathroom trash as often. I’ve had to change it every other day instead of the usual once a week. An easy task but that has been one Mom has completely “let me” do. I have to chuckle at that. lol
Anyway, I’m going for more coffee and need to head in to do this last day of Quarter End. I’ll probably be back on Sunday for an update. The last hoorah weekend before we start running around like chickens with our heads cut off again. I’ll work on the video tomorrow instead of blogging but will be back Sunday. I’m making good progress on video but likely be the following weekend before it’s up and live. Just a bit more editing and graphics and overlays and it’ll be time to upload.
Oh but let me leave you with this. This is the audio book I’m doing currently. It’s pretty good. It involved an RV trip is why I downloaded it. ha!
Have a great weekend! What you gonna do this weekend? I think we are gonna rest! Might go to the new Christmas shop though.
We received this by text this week. I scratched out the last name for privacy and cropped the dates and info. I am hoping that we get to go. The nation is blowing up with COVID and particularly in TN and in TX and if they shut borders, shut restrooms and such it will be very hard to get there and when we do will we have anything to do for a week while Katy works? Maybe she won’t be working, but then again she may also be working from home and we’d be a distraction. I’m hoping we can go. Every time I say I’m excited George says “if we get to go”. I’m usually the one considered the “Debbie Downer” due to my training of looking for things to go wrong in advance and trying to pre-empt them for years and years in my career and being brought up under Mom that liked to be prepared for anything. Normally George says “it’s all gonna work out just fine” but with this every time he says “if we get to go”. So……I’m just not sure. I hope we can. But one thing is for sure, we are excited to know what the baby will be!
I’ve tried hard to take my vitamins, drink my greens, and get in as much nutrition as I can. With all of this COVID going on and how it has DULLED our life, any plans we ever try to make, along with retreating in doors due to the heat and less VIT D – it has really made me SAD. I think I mentioned recently that much like winter there is a period of summer that we retreat indoors when it gets so HOT as it is right now in the 90’s and earlier in the week near 100.
God provides the summer thundershowers although this week they have missed our area. So I think I’ll try taking an extra D until we get out more. But I’ve been sad on some days and some days not even wanting to do anything. And that is not me. I like to make lists, and do things on the lists, and check off boxes on the list, and feel good about getting things done. That has been the essence of most of my life is checking off boxes. It’s what excites me and motivates me usually. But when I don’t get enough nutrients and sunlight I start to think less, do less, and quite frankly just feel like a deflated squash! lol
Do you all ever do that? But I notice I can usually control that with nutrients. Particularly for me needing greens, orange and yellow veggies, making sure I take my vitamin pack and supplements, and exercise helps even inside with toe touches, sky reaches, windmills, leg lifts, side swipes – lol lol – all those things you did growing up in school when they tried to wake you up or had you stretch in gym class. Sometimes I have Alexa play disco or dance music and then dance like no one is watching and get a bit of cardio in. All of these things help when the “blues, stagnancy of winter, and muggy indoor dog days of summer”. It helps keep the spirits high it seems and the mind active. It also might help one’s immune system to fight better.
On the flip side of that, you can allow yourself a treat every now and then. When your coworker wins ice cream for the office, you get to enjoy a Nutty Buddy! And take a moment and view the cool air of the snowy mountain tops on your computer screen.
That reminds me…I should change my entire desktop theme to a winter themed pic. lol
Yesterday George and I went to the store. As we went in our county was getting weather alerts but it was to our east. God provided us with a pretty rainbow on our end.
We filled our buggy full yesterday, having been out of a lot. I will say that Kroger disappointed. Still we filled the cart full of other things we needed and wanted. I figured they would have most everything we needed, but now I’m going to have to go somewhere else to get the rest. While there is enough for survival, it’s still kinda unsettling to not be able to get cleaning supplies, rubbing alcohol, my organic oatmeal that has no sugar additives, and they never have my Stouffers spinach souffle!
There are less cleaning supplies than there were the last time we went. There are more sanitizers and toilet paper though. And meat is going way up in cost. And 9% of employees at meat factories getting the COVID according to an article George sent yesterday. Why are the people in meat factories getting it? I don’t get the connection but isn’t that kinda where it started in China – the meat factories? Is it being planted? It’s all suspicious to me. I know people are getting the disease everywhere. But in particular there are certain places where it’s been more prevalent.
I looked at cameras yesterday and actually had one in my cart in Amazon, but I took it out. The more information I look at, the more confused I am. One person says this one is the best, another one the next one is the best. So I will wait til the weekend and see what I think. I remember that I have some stimulus money George set back and said you can use it or save it. I may have used some of it buying maternity clothes for Katy as a surprise, but I still have some left. I have enough to cover all but about $100 in blow money so I think I will go ahead and get it and be learning on it. I also think we can plan some mini hikes that are not too strenuous. Or take a drive to some lake front views and let me capture some photos. I can also go to some downtown areas and get some shots of buildings and things – not Nashville though – too much COVID in the air around there. But I can begin to learn how to use the camera and go out on excursions for that. It would give us something to do. And I’ll be good at using it by the time the baby is here. So someone commented on the last post saying “go ahead and get it!” That is all the push I needed. Well, also George said I could get it too that $100 wouldn’t break us. So I think I will do more research this weekend and make my decision from there.
I also have to order George’s bday gifts! And wrap Mom’s. We are going to get to go see Mom. She invited us to spend the night. I know it’s been lonely for her – just her and Fancy, her poodle. So we are going to spend the night so we have more time together. We will be celebrating her birthday too. I have her gifts but need to wrap them. So we have that to look forward to. As long as they don’t shut us down b/w counties, we should be good. That would be harder for them to do.
I have lots of ideas for the next video for my “providing value” section – if that is what you want to call it. It’ll be interesting using the new camera to film from my home set up and I think whatever I get I’m getting the wide angle lens camera. I can’t wait to get it and learn how to use it. I’ve always been intimidated by them but I realize now that you get so much info on YouTube, I’ll have the help I need to learn how to use it! I NOW have a lot of reasons to use it. The grand baby coming, the new vlog, and it will make me want to get out more and go walking and go on excursions where we can.
It takes about two weeks to have enough collected to do a video. I do have some cooking scenes done. But it’ll be a little bit before enough things happen to even try to slap a video together. I also have to be in the mood! lol
My coffee is good this morning. Time to get a 2nd cup, get ready for work and pack lunch. Strong storms coming today and a LOT of payroll related work and then need to work on Quarter End. It has been busy crazy. It went from quiet to chaos in a heartbeat it seemed. And now I have to step it up to even have time to work on Quarter End. Will likely have to work over some to get it done but maybe not. Maybe I’ll have more time Friday to work on it. Just crazy times.
Looking forward to the weekend. As always! Feeling a lot better today after working hard the last few days to get the right things (and a few treats – like ice cream) in my body. Ya’ll take care! How are you coping? Sources say this COVID thing will last about 2 years? Hang in there.
One thing I love about the Nest Cam is being able to see when people arrive and go. I was like a little kid waiting to go to the pool or something. I kept waiting for the “ding” notice tapping my apple watch to let me know “Someone is at the door”. I quickly grabbed the phone to see the Lowe’s truck in the driveway and the driver being curious and sticking his head in Little Bit’s styrofoam house on the front porch to see if anything was in there. Made me laugh. I was already jumping for joy.
They hauled the old one out and brought the new one in.
George said the guy said “ya’ll sure do like supplements” as he saw all my items from THAT SHAKE/SUPPLEMENT COMPANY I USE on the shelf. It probably could have been neater but I’m into various boxes and they tumble around.
She’s a beauty. I just love the glass top – I guess it’s glass. It is a very thick one if it is. Might be some other materials but I like that it’s see through. I’m loving the controls also. And I’ve discovered that it has a bigger tub than the last one. I would have had to wash two loads of darks but it all fit in one. I was shocked.
I think they cycles are quicker than the last one. Or maybe since I was home, time was just going by fast.
I’ve asked God to show me some wonders when He can during our busy days so I know He’s there. I guess I was thinking in forms of deer, red birds and such. He did send those too but I looked out as I was packing up Thursday and saw the most beautiful big rainbow, reminding us of His promises.
I also got out for lunch on Thursday and drove to a Taco Bell. I had a gift card with $9 on it and I bought a steak taco with avocado ranch sauce and bean burrito. mmmmm it was great. I’ve missed it.
So here’s what the Baby Bingo looks like. Someone was curious. We have 3 different cards. There are 50 people invited to the shower. But mainly it’ll be whoever notices and yells Bingo first. Too much trouble to do 50 different cards, lol. I need to go and get little gifts to send to Ellen to open after the winner is declared in the games. I think we need one other game. I need to look at my notes and see if we have already established one. Katy and I had a meeting on this and I took notes. My memory is not so good anymore. It’s time for the next step of preparedness for the shower – finalizing games, decor, food. It’s virtual but we’ll still be sending things to Ellen to her house and will send a cake for her and her family to enjoy.
Katy made the bingo cards. And I had to have them early so I could send them with the invitations.
I’m happy to say that the invitations are finished and George took them to the Post Office when he went on another errand yesterday to find a certain type of baked beans.
So I had set up camp in the sun room. It was a perfect morning to open the screens and enjoy the trees and breeze. But rain was coming so I knew the sun room people would not be coming to finish the project on the roof, as they had not been there the other days rain was coming.
About the time I got in my groove doing the invites, George got a call and he came in and informed me the sun roof people were on the way to do part of the project and they would be coming in behind me (outside) to go up on the roof and do part of the project. He didn’t want me to be alarmed. So they did and it was loud and pounding and scared me a bit as I thought “what if the roof collapsed”, lol. They were walking above me. It also alarmed Maisy and she also saw me be alarmed so she went into a coughing fit of excitement and went and hid behind the couch in the den and wouldn’t come out.
So then I came in here in the office and began working on my video. I also worked on it after the invitations were through. I’m making great progress with it. It’s like a puzzle. The fun part is creating something out of almost nothing and trying to tell a story with it.
And this week I’ve not video’d much for the following one. Doing these videos are a FT job and I don’t have time to do this every week. But maybe once a month or so if that. Not much happens in a week’s time that is news worthy of videoing – but we’ll see as I try to figure out ways to bring the blog alive into a vlog. There is also the problem of not being in the mood to video or photo every little thing. Some days it is a time issue. I’m most likely to photo and video when I’m relaxed. Work days are harder. Those nights I come home and just really want to chill and not think about much. But it’ll all work out. I will figure a rhythm on it. I enjoy it too much not to. It’s just like anything else. I have to get around the learning curve still and I have still not had time to set up the YouTube channel and such. But it’s fun and I look forward to the whole shebang. Hopefully it’ll get easier and less time consuming. But the videos will always be time consuming if you do them right, I’m hearing.
Oh I forgot to say that as the man climbed the ladder behind where I sat he began laughing when he looked in the window. He was the only one out there. I guess he saw me and saw the pants drying in the window which I complete forgot about. lol lol lol I turned and waved and then went and found another spot for the pants to dry, embarrassed. But we ran out of room to hang clothes in the laundry room. I do not dry most of my clothes in the dryer. I hang dry them and they last forever. It does require more ironing though. If you look hard you can see them here – those pants, lol.
So I had to quit doing laundry yesterday because so many clothes were hanging about. But I have our clothes mostly done now. Changed sheets on the bed yesterday so washing those now and the rest to catch up on are some quilts and dog blankets. We’ve washed and folded and so much accomplished on my day off yesterday.
I fell asleep last night watching a royal documentary. George always wakes me up so I can watch it or he’ll ask me if I want him to stop it. I can’t help it but when I get up so early, after we eat, I get relaxed and slip off into slumber. Usually after about 8:30.
But that royal documentary didn’t help any. It was really boring. lol. It was like history class with it’s black and white photos and a documentary tone.
Anyway was happy with yesterday. Just a perfect day of both accomplishing things and enjoying things. I even got to watch two of my You Tube show favorites.
And I’m off to the 2nd cup of coffee. And plans for the day? I want to make some progress toward my list, working on the new YouTube channel and see how that is going to go. I will do a bit of house work. And we will be going to see friends today for a mini pool party with just a few couples. Good friends who have not seen each other since maybe January? Might have been Christmas but I think we did LCR game in January and had lasagna at Paul and Judy’s.
Oh and I had talked of making my own lasagna after having Aunt Gwen’s at Christmas and Judy’s in January. As much as I love pasta, I cannot believe I’ve not made it yet. George has asked if I want to make it several times. So I decided to make it. I’m making it Sunday. And was happy to have found Whole Grain pasta which will be a little bit better than the other.
I also just put on my list to make chicken spaghetti sometime. Granny had a great recipe that Katy made a lot. I will find it and make it some weekend.
Well, I’m going to get that other cup of coffee. But please tell me what you all have planned for the weekend. Are you having family over? Going anywhere? Nashville is open 75%, even the bars are partially open now. We are not going to Nashville. Around here we have very few cases in suburbia. So we have ventured to eat out as you saw in a previous post. These will be few and far between. But maybe once every couple of weeks as we feel safe. I have not had huge appetites since the diverticulitis attack first began earlier in the year. I mainly eat because I can feel the impact of hunger – mostly a tired feeling instead of being hungry. So when I do get a craving, I allow myself to have it. My cravings have been (usually a one time craving): Taco Bell, bologna sandwich, eggs, sweet potato, steak, pizza, and of all things chili fritos. I really don’t have cravings like I used to and my appetite has waned quite a bit. So I attend to the craving and allow it when it happens. Most of the time I’m just eating what is available. Except I’m sick of frozen food for lunch to take to work. By night fall, I really enjoy the comfort that George’s meals bring. They remind me that food is good. And then I want a cookie. lol. Which is a new thing for me b/c I was never into cookies before.
So I cannot quit typing for some reason. OH and of course, I promised Mona I would type about why I think I’m not compassionate. Mona said she has read my blog for years and thinks otherwise. So I must keep my promise and let me go get that 2nd cup of coffee so I can get my second blog wind going.
Reasons I think my Compassion Needs Work:
I know that I’m wired to be more task oriented than people oriented therefore making me automatic to avoid people and go straight to tasking.
I am very detail oriented also in those tasks that take me away from being detailed with people themselves. The devil is in the details they say and quite literally a time suck keeping me away from attending to people. Any little thing to anyone else when mentioned to me to put on my to do list, nearly sends me over the edge b/c I see the devil in the details – oh too well.
People around me think I ignore them. I totally don’t mean to, I just have tunnel vision. I remember a boy I grew up with in church when we were 16 told me it was nice to get to know me better. I said “And you as well, why didn’t we ever talk growing up”. He said “I always thought you didn’t like me. You never seemed to notice me or talk to me.” I told him “No I think I was just shy”. He said he thought I was “stuck up” which was the phrase we used back then for someone thinking they were better than another. I think it was the first time I realized I must come across as unfriendly or uncaring or unapproachable. I was simply just probably hurrying off to my seat or a thousand details going off in my head. Not trying to be unfriendly just “in my own world”. I could have had a really good friend growing up but we misunderstood each other as people. Had I had more compassion over the people around me would that have changed?
I was once told as a teen that I “treated my sister like a dog”. It always had such great impact on me. That one sentence. I hadn’t intended to ignore her or speak to her badly. Didn’t know I had. I’m sure I was following the role models set before me. I was trying to keep her from playing in my makeup and taking off my things. I gave demands and directives. I didn’t want her drinking out of my glass and so forth. I didn’t mean to be rude, but was just being protective of my things and setting boundaries even way back then! lol. She was always in my stuff. But it always made me feel bad being told that. It wasn’t my intention and made a big impression on me that I could be seen or come across as such. Had I had more compassion I could have been a more loving sister and daughter?
Various people – including my own spouse – have made comments about me not being a good mother. This has truly hurt my feelings more than you can imagine. I can’t imagine where it’s coming from as the love in my heart for my daughter couldn’t have been any bigger and my fierce worry and protection over her, I couldn’t see how that could have been any bigger either. No one has ever been specific other than to say it was mainly a “quality time problem”. So I figured it is probably the same thing. Working on tasks and the things I thought I needed to do and was supposed to do while working FT and having a family too. I spent a lot of time trying to make the house right, working so we have $ to pay for things we need – in a career too that I loved at the time and not a job as I wanted to “have it all”‘ I was told I couldn’t have it all but I was determined to prove otherwise (and did sortof prove that for the most part). I was also trying to do “my list” that I guess maybe I didn’t “do enough” that various people thought I should have. I also tried to relax with books – but more than anything loved to blog and have an outlet to express myself in ways I couldn’t with other people. It led to my love of making graphics and taking photos and other things. Others took a back seat I guess in my need to expel or tell of whatever it was I needed to tell through writing every day. I guess I ignored family in an effort to remain sane. I don’t fault myself for this in any grand way. It was my savior. I’d have lost it if I had not been able to do that. I feel that mainly it was people not understanding me or understanding that I have needs too. But I imagine if I’d had more compassion I’d have been more giving with my time to those around me. I think I would have if I had understood they wanted more of me. I didn’t get that impression at the time. A lot of time I felt unwanted myself and misunderstood and it would drive me further into worlds that accepted me for who I was, like the blog community and people at work. I did the best I could do parenting and having family while being me. But if it wasn’t acceptable to some, I must have failed in some way. But it’s ok. I can assure you with every part of my being that others have also failed me, perhaps even in bigger ways. I quite imagine I’ve been misjudged all along in my life. But I do know that I am very task oriented and with my love to write – that probably led me to be selfish with my time – even though I didn’t realize I was being that way. All that said, I think Katy turned out to be great. So whatever role I played must have been just right. lol She’s pretty darn perfect in my eyes.
Others have always been more worried about peoples needs than I have been. While I worry more about the tasks at hand. I do realize though that I’m wired that way and that God needs those types of people too. I’m the Martha and not the Mary. But still the Mary’s God prefers right? So there’s work to be done to be able to walk away from a “to do list” to Hear the Word, or Help a Body with something versus doing a mile long To Do list. That is what I struggle with. The guy next door never got his sympathy card after losing his wife. I bought it. We signed it. And then I didn’t wanted to go by myself to take it. I thought I might take it with a casserole. One I never found time to make. The card was never sent or delivered. I couldn’t break away from my lists, my todo’s, long enough to do that. I intended to. I just never happened and now I feel bad. I have all kinds of excuses but had I just gotten out of my comfort zone and did it? I allowed my desires at getting my own list done to take precedence. I feel bad about that every time I see them. I wasn’t there for them. Then I was sick the day of the funeral. How it must look to them.
I’m an introvert not an extrovert. So it takes me out of my comfort zone to deal with things that cause me to have to break away from my world. There are times that God expects me to do better! Or I will find myself in the belly of a whale like Jonah.
In the career of HR that I was in, being around the various types of people further pushed me into being more introverted as I began seeing and mistrusting so many kinds of people. I grew tired of complaints and egos and attitudes and opinions and political moves and and and and and….I just flat grew tired of people. Sooooooooo tired of people. It wore me out! But it was good for me in a way because then I began to learn about boundaries and being good enough and not feeling battered, moved, and bullied by others who were set to have their way as I was mine. And eventually I left that world for a quieter world that was better suited for my persona. It’s no one’s fault really. I picked a career that was one thing 38 years ago when I was in college, that grew to be something else entirely from what was intended. I am not a lawyer, didn’t have a magic wand to my name and didn’t have the desire to move mountains, nor the compassion to even want to try to accomplish the ever growing and endless lists of expectations that had built up through the years. My persona was done trying to be everyone’s everything. I’ve often wondered if I’d had more compassion would it have been different. But all in all I don’t really think so – because you can’t win in those situations and you can’t possibly cater to every need. I was tired of trying. So maybe that one is not a good example. But I probably gave up trying and began working more on the things I could control b/c I just didn’t have the patience with people and their continued everlasting demands. I’d have had to have been some type of deity to continue doing this career with the fierce determination and drive that I had over getting all the details done on top of meeting everyone’s everything. So I was done. And happy to be done. Relieved every day. But if I’d had more compassion and empathy it might have been better? Not sure. It might have made me crazier, lol. If I could have ignored the tasks and spent more time on the people – the other side would have failed. Since leaving I’ve been told by at least one – how good the details and records were. Yeah, this one is not a good example of how compassion could have helped. But – overall, I do still in some way feel I could have had more compassion if I’d looked up long enough from the tasks.
When I look at my Dad and the compassion he had for others and in his righteousness. He had such great compassion over the “lost soul”. I feel horrible guilt at not having that same passion. I just don’t have that desire but God commands that we do. I don’t have the desire to go and find that lost soul like he did, to teach like he did. All I see is arguments and attitudes over religion, people getting caught up in the details and correcting everything you say, and I detest having to deal with it. I tire quickly and retreat with this kin of thing. I’ve dealt with it before and I have taken a back seat to the approach by praying for people instead of talking with them or seeking them out. I do hope that God understands and allows for me being me and will not hold me accountable b/c I didn’t go into the mission field or do this or that. Yes we have done our amount of church work and Sunday school classes. But at some level I just finally said enough is enough. I can’t work, have a family, have a life and try to do all this too. I just finally said I’ll live my life and allow God to be a pilot of some sort in my life. I’m a Christian and will never NOT BE. But I don’t go out and do a lot of “works” or “search for lost souls”. I just be me. And I hope that is ok. I’m not even sure I’m a good example. I’m good with working with someone one on one who is ready to receive the word, but I’m done with “tudes” – attitudes. I kinda feel guilty because I know on judgment day I’ll be thinking I wished I’d done more. But people honestly don’t want to listen unless they are at rock bottom. I’ve worked with some of those by offering prayer with them when I felt it was appropriate. I am very compassionate one on one. IF they open up to me I open up to them. If someone is hurting and I see it, I’m at least all over that.
When Dad died I was off getting my Master’s Degree (MBA). I feel like I was in books and writing and meeting goals instead of being there for my mother and sister. Looking back, it was quite the accomplishment for me. I learned a lot. I ate it up. It worked well for my grief but other than phone calls every few days, I basically feel I wasn’t there for them. In addition the distance of being an hour and half away and our busy schedules keep me from being there for Mom as much as I want and that makes me feel guilty.
When the tornado happened and the Pandemic happened as with many major $ campaigns – so many others gave to it. I did not. I kept holding back thinking there would be someone personally that I could help. I have a thing about giving money to big organizations. I have to feel it in my heart that I’m giving toward something I can see the results of. I have given to people around me when I knew it was needed. I won’t give examples b/c we are not supposed to. So I feel I hold on to $$ and become selfish with what it goes toward. I guess I look back too on how hard we have worked for things and know that retirement is coming and I feel selfish at wanting to have enough to do things we want to do and I just hold on to it because I can’t decide to just let it go. So if I had more compassion, I’d make more of an effort.
So after looking at all that – that just came vomited forth. At least God says to confess right? Sorry, lol. Some of it extremely personal and at one time, hurtful. I realize it’s mostly just because I am who I am – introverted and driven to tasks and very detailed at those tasks. The Enneagram very forthrightly spelled or confirmed I should say – all of that. But I do feel like even though I’m wired the way I’m wired, God intends me to take that and work with it and try to be what He needs me to be. I agree I couldn’t have been everything everyone wanted me to be. I will never succeed at that. So looking back I don’t fault anyone or myself for that. Everyone has their needs and we all fail each other, especially if we have not leaned on God to help us with these needs and situations or to even understand what is really happening at the time or why. Which is why I feel I can openly talk about these things. I don’t blame Mom for telling me I treated my sister like a dog. She just wanted me to be nicer. She didn’t know the words would sting me still some 43 years later. She didn’t know I was an Enneagram 1 at the time and needed to be told things a certain way. lol. People who thought I could have been a better Mom were people who had their own images of who a Mom was in their heads and I didn’t meet their own images. They can’t help that. I’m an individual and had to do things the way Sonya knew to do them. To me I was doing everything just right and then some. I don’t blame George on our anniversary night out to tell me I could improve as a Mom –well ok I do a little– as I cried that night in Olive Garden. I was thinking he would brag on me as I’d tried so hard to be a good Mom and Spouse and he told me I needed to improve instead. Totally destroyed my heart. And I realized then how people even close to you can so easily misjudge your intentions. Has happened a thousand times since too. I don’t know that it was the place or time for that conversation but and I would have loved to have heard some good compliments as surely I did something right? But I guess like everyone else – mostly people are set to improve things by telling you the bad and not to pump you up with good things to be heard about yourself if they are so highly irritated with you. I don’t fault him though really over all. He just wanted more of me and my time was split. But I didn’t see that at the time. I was just being me. Wasn’t that ok? That was his main complaint was time and how I spent it. He felt I spent too much time worrying over the house work and hobbies. He didn’t understand me or my needs. It’s not easy being married, having families, having careers and having it “all”. And even when you try your best you are still not being the person everyone wants you to be. So with that and trying to be compassionate, I can give these words to someone else so it may help them. I’m not writing these words to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s all kinda water under the bridge at this point. Yeah maybe there are still some hurts in there that come to the surface time to time. But I’m choosing to forgive and learn from it. I can’t go back. I’m still me. I still have the same traits. I probably would even do things the same way, give or take a few things. And others seem to be more patient and understanding after all these years too. We just all have to try to have more compassion to deal with trying to understand one another. No one really intends to hurt another. But we sure do. If we only had the compassion?
So there ya have it. All kinds of stuff there that sometimes make me struggle with my desires to be task oriented versus people oriented. I could do better. But I usually go with what I know and what I want to do in the moment. And hopefully this helps someone by reading. We strive to have it all, strive for perfection, and our personalities and personas and the way we are wired including our experiences – put wedges into things. We just have to steer through it while still being true to ourselves. I think if I could have communicated better, it would have helped but what can you do? It takes someone who will listen and let you talk to do that. Everyone likes to hear themselves talk instead of listen. Me included. So you yell to be heard when people don’t listen and then people take offense to that. So yeah, it’s just a lot easier to blog! And that is what I’ve done most of my life. Blog. And that’s why we all get all along is because we are listening to one another, reading one another, and understanding because we took the time to.
Thank you for reading and not judging.
So what ya’ll doing for the weekend? I’m dying to hear! I wrote a LOT for you all. I’d love to hear a line or two from you!