New Washing Machine, Rainbow, and Why I Think I Need More Compassion

One thing I love about the Nest Cam is being able to see when people arrive and go. I was like a little kid waiting to go to the pool or something. I kept waiting for the “ding” notice tapping my apple watch to let me know “Someone is at the door”. I quickly grabbed the phone to see the Lowe’s truck in the driveway and the driver being curious and sticking his head in Little Bit’s styrofoam house on the front porch to see if anything was in there. Made me laugh. I was already jumping for joy.

They hauled the old one out and brought the new one in.

George said the guy said “ya’ll sure do like supplements” as he saw all my items from THAT SHAKE/SUPPLEMENT COMPANY I USE on the shelf. It probably could have been neater but I’m into various boxes and they tumble around.

She’s a beauty. I just love the glass top – I guess it’s glass. It is a very thick one if it is. Might be some other materials but I like that it’s see through. I’m loving the controls also. And I’ve discovered that it has a bigger tub than the last one. I would have had to wash two loads of darks but it all fit in one. I was shocked.

I think they cycles are quicker than the last one. Or maybe since I was home, time was just going by fast.

I’ve asked God to show me some wonders when He can during our busy days so I know He’s there. I guess I was thinking in forms of deer, red birds and such. He did send those too but I looked out as I was packing up Thursday and saw the most beautiful big rainbow, reminding us of His promises.

I also got out for lunch on Thursday and drove to a Taco Bell. I had a gift card with $9 on it and I bought a steak taco with avocado ranch sauce and bean burrito. mmmmm it was great. I’ve missed it.

So here’s what the Baby Bingo looks like. Someone was curious. We have 3 different cards. There are 50 people invited to the shower. But mainly it’ll be whoever notices and yells Bingo first. Too much trouble to do 50 different cards, lol. I need to go and get little gifts to send to Ellen to open after the winner is declared in the games. I think we need one other game. I need to look at my notes and see if we have already established one. Katy and I had a meeting on this and I took notes. My memory is not so good anymore. It’s time for the next step of preparedness for the shower – finalizing games, decor, food. It’s virtual but we’ll still be sending things to Ellen to her house and will send a cake for her and her family to enjoy.

Katy made the bingo cards. And I had to have them early so I could send them with the invitations.

I’m happy to say that the invitations are finished and George took them to the Post Office when he went on another errand yesterday to find a certain type of baked beans.

So I had set up camp in the sun room. It was a perfect morning to open the screens and enjoy the trees and breeze. But rain was coming so I knew the sun room people would not be coming to finish the project on the roof, as they had not been there the other days rain was coming.

About the time I got in my groove doing the invites, George got a call and he came in and informed me the sun roof people were on the way to do part of the project and they would be coming in behind me (outside) to go up on the roof and do part of the project. He didn’t want me to be alarmed. So they did and it was loud and pounding and scared me a bit as I thought “what if the roof collapsed”, lol. They were walking above me. It also alarmed Maisy and she also saw me be alarmed so she went into a coughing fit of excitement and went and hid behind the couch in the den and wouldn’t come out.

So then I came in here in the office and began working on my video. I also worked on it after the invitations were through. I’m making great progress with it. It’s like a puzzle. The fun part is creating something out of almost nothing and trying to tell a story with it.

And this week I’ve not video’d much for the following one. Doing these videos are a FT job and I don’t have time to do this every week. But maybe once a month or so if that. Not much happens in a week’s time that is news worthy of videoing – but we’ll see as I try to figure out ways to bring the blog alive into a vlog. There is also the problem of not being in the mood to video or photo every little thing. Some days it is a time issue. I’m most likely to photo and video when I’m relaxed. Work days are harder. Those nights I come home and just really want to chill and not think about much. But it’ll all work out. I will figure a rhythm on it. I enjoy it too much not to. It’s just like anything else. I have to get around the learning curve still and I have still not had time to set up the YouTube channel and such. But it’s fun and I look forward to the whole shebang. Hopefully it’ll get easier and less time consuming. But the videos will always be time consuming if you do them right, I’m hearing.

Oh I forgot to say that as the man climbed the ladder behind where I sat he began laughing when he looked in the window. He was the only one out there. I guess he saw me and saw the pants drying in the window which I complete forgot about. lol lol lol I turned and waved and then went and found another spot for the pants to dry, embarrassed. But we ran out of room to hang clothes in the laundry room. I do not dry most of my clothes in the dryer. I hang dry them and they last forever. It does require more ironing though. If you look hard you can see them here – those pants, lol.

So I had to quit doing laundry yesterday because so many clothes were hanging about. But I have our clothes mostly done now. Changed sheets on the bed yesterday so washing those now and the rest to catch up on are some quilts and dog blankets. We’ve washed and folded and so much accomplished on my day off yesterday.

I fell asleep last night watching a royal documentary. George always wakes me up so I can watch it or he’ll ask me if I want him to stop it. I can’t help it but when I get up so early, after we eat, I get relaxed and slip off into slumber. Usually after about 8:30.

But that royal documentary didn’t help any. It was really boring. lol. It was like history class with it’s black and white photos and a documentary tone.

Anyway was happy with yesterday. Just a perfect day of both accomplishing things and enjoying things. I even got to watch two of my You Tube show favorites.

And I’m off to the 2nd cup of coffee. And plans for the day? I want to make some progress toward my list, working on the new YouTube channel and see how that is going to go. I will do a bit of house work. And we will be going to see friends today for a mini pool party with just a few couples. Good friends who have not seen each other since maybe January? Might have been Christmas but I think we did LCR game in January and had lasagna at Paul and Judy’s.

Oh and I had talked of making my own lasagna after having Aunt Gwen’s at Christmas and Judy’s in January. As much as I love pasta, I cannot believe I’ve not made it yet. George has asked if I want to make it several times. So I decided to make it. I’m making it Sunday. And was happy to have found Whole Grain pasta which will be a little bit better than the other.

I also just put on my list to make chicken spaghetti sometime. Granny had a great recipe that Katy made a lot. I will find it and make it some weekend.

Well, I’m going to get that other cup of coffee. But please tell me what you all have planned for the weekend. Are you having family over? Going anywhere? Nashville is open 75%, even the bars are partially open now. We are not going to Nashville. Around here we have very few cases in suburbia. So we have ventured to eat out as you saw in a previous post. These will be few and far between. But maybe once every couple of weeks as we feel safe. I have not had huge appetites since the diverticulitis attack first began earlier in the year. I mainly eat because I can feel the impact of hunger – mostly a tired feeling instead of being hungry. So when I do get a craving, I allow myself to have it. My cravings have been (usually a one time craving): Taco Bell, bologna sandwich, eggs, sweet potato, steak, pizza, and of all things chili fritos. I really don’t have cravings like I used to and my appetite has waned quite a bit. So I attend to the craving and allow it when it happens. Most of the time I’m just eating what is available. Except I’m sick of frozen food for lunch to take to work. By night fall, I really enjoy the comfort that George’s meals bring. They remind me that food is good. And then I want a cookie. lol. Which is a new thing for me b/c I was never into cookies before.

So I cannot quit typing for some reason. OH and of course, I promised Mona I would type about why I think I’m not compassionate. Mona said she has read my blog for years and thinks otherwise. So I must keep my promise and let me go get that 2nd cup of coffee so I can get my second blog wind going.

Reasons I think my Compassion Needs Work:

  • I know that I’m wired to be more task oriented than people oriented therefore making me automatic to avoid people and go straight to tasking.
  • I am very detail oriented also in those tasks that take me away from being detailed with people themselves. The devil is in the details they say and quite literally a time suck keeping me away from attending to people. Any little thing to anyone else when mentioned to me to put on my to do list, nearly sends me over the edge b/c I see the devil in the details – oh too well.
  • People around me think I ignore them. I totally don’t mean to, I just have tunnel vision. I remember a boy I grew up with in church when we were 16 told me it was nice to get to know me better. I said “And you as well, why didn’t we ever talk growing up”. He said “I always thought you didn’t like me. You never seemed to notice me or talk to me.” I told him “No I think I was just shy”. He said he thought I was “stuck up” which was the phrase we used back then for someone thinking they were better than another. I think it was the first time I realized I must come across as unfriendly or uncaring or unapproachable. I was simply just probably hurrying off to my seat or a thousand details going off in my head. Not trying to be unfriendly just “in my own world”. I could have had a really good friend growing up but we misunderstood each other as people. Had I had more compassion over the people around me would that have changed?
  • I was once told as a teen that I “treated my sister like a dog”. It always had such great impact on me. That one sentence. I hadn’t intended to ignore her or speak to her badly. Didn’t know I had. I’m sure I was following the role models set before me. I was trying to keep her from playing in my makeup and taking off my things. I gave demands and directives. I didn’t want her drinking out of my glass and so forth. I didn’t mean to be rude, but was just being protective of my things and setting boundaries even way back then! lol. She was always in my stuff. But it always made me feel bad being told that. It wasn’t my intention and made a big impression on me that I could be seen or come across as such. Had I had more compassion I could have been a more loving sister and daughter?
  • Various people – including my own spouse – have made comments about me not being a good mother. This has truly hurt my feelings more than you can imagine. I can’t imagine where it’s coming from as the love in my heart for my daughter couldn’t have been any bigger and my fierce worry and protection over her, I couldn’t see how that could have been any bigger either. No one has ever been specific other than to say it was mainly a “quality time problem”. So I figured it is probably the same thing. Working on tasks and the things I thought I needed to do and was supposed to do while working FT and having a family too. I spent a lot of time trying to make the house right, working so we have $ to pay for things we need – in a career too that I loved at the time and not a job as I wanted to “have it all”‘ I was told I couldn’t have it all but I was determined to prove otherwise (and did sortof prove that for the most part). I was also trying to do “my list” that I guess maybe I didn’t “do enough” that various people thought I should have. I also tried to relax with books – but more than anything loved to blog and have an outlet to express myself in ways I couldn’t with other people. It led to my love of making graphics and taking photos and other things. Others took a back seat I guess in my need to expel or tell of whatever it was I needed to tell through writing every day. I guess I ignored family in an effort to remain sane. I don’t fault myself for this in any grand way. It was my savior. I’d have lost it if I had not been able to do that. I feel that mainly it was people not understanding me or understanding that I have needs too. But I imagine if I’d had more compassion I’d have been more giving with my time to those around me. I think I would have if I had understood they wanted more of me. I didn’t get that impression at the time. A lot of time I felt unwanted myself and misunderstood and it would drive me further into worlds that accepted me for who I was, like the blog community and people at work. I did the best I could do parenting and having family while being me. But if it wasn’t acceptable to some, I must have failed in some way. But it’s ok. I can assure you with every part of my being that others have also failed me, perhaps even in bigger ways. I quite imagine I’ve been misjudged all along in my life. But I do know that I am very task oriented and with my love to write – that probably led me to be selfish with my time – even though I didn’t realize I was being that way. All that said, I think Katy turned out to be great. So whatever role I played must have been just right. lol She’s pretty darn perfect in my eyes.
  • Others have always been more worried about peoples needs than I have been. While I worry more about the tasks at hand. I do realize though that I’m wired that way and that God needs those types of people too. I’m the Martha and not the Mary. But still the Mary’s God prefers right? So there’s work to be done to be able to walk away from a “to do list” to Hear the Word, or Help a Body with something versus doing a mile long To Do list. That is what I struggle with. The guy next door never got his sympathy card after losing his wife. I bought it. We signed it. And then I didn’t wanted to go by myself to take it. I thought I might take it with a casserole. One I never found time to make. The card was never sent or delivered. I couldn’t break away from my lists, my todo’s, long enough to do that. I intended to. I just never happened and now I feel bad. I have all kinds of excuses but had I just gotten out of my comfort zone and did it? I allowed my desires at getting my own list done to take precedence. I feel bad about that every time I see them. I wasn’t there for them. Then I was sick the day of the funeral. How it must look to them.
  • I’m an introvert not an extrovert. So it takes me out of my comfort zone to deal with things that cause me to have to break away from my world. There are times that God expects me to do better! Or I will find myself in the belly of a whale like Jonah.
  • In the career of HR that I was in, being around the various types of people further pushed me into being more introverted as I began seeing and mistrusting so many kinds of people. I grew tired of complaints and egos and attitudes and opinions and political moves and and and and and….I just flat grew tired of people. Sooooooooo tired of people. It wore me out! But it was good for me in a way because then I began to learn about boundaries and being good enough and not feeling battered, moved, and bullied by others who were set to have their way as I was mine. And eventually I left that world for a quieter world that was better suited for my persona. It’s no one’s fault really. I picked a career that was one thing 38 years ago when I was in college, that grew to be something else entirely from what was intended. I am not a lawyer, didn’t have a magic wand to my name and didn’t have the desire to move mountains, nor the compassion to even want to try to accomplish the ever growing and endless lists of expectations that had built up through the years. My persona was done trying to be everyone’s everything. I’ve often wondered if I’d had more compassion would it have been different. But all in all I don’t really think so – because you can’t win in those situations and you can’t possibly cater to every need. I was tired of trying. So maybe that one is not a good example. But I probably gave up trying and began working more on the things I could control b/c I just didn’t have the patience with people and their continued everlasting demands. I’d have had to have been some type of deity to continue doing this career with the fierce determination and drive that I had over getting all the details done on top of meeting everyone’s everything. So I was done. And happy to be done. Relieved every day. But if I’d had more compassion and empathy it might have been better? Not sure. It might have made me crazier, lol. If I could have ignored the tasks and spent more time on the people – the other side would have failed. Since leaving I’ve been told by at least one – how good the details and records were. Yeah, this one is not a good example of how compassion could have helped. But – overall, I do still in some way feel I could have had more compassion if I’d looked up long enough from the tasks.
  • When I look at my Dad and the compassion he had for others and in his righteousness. He had such great compassion over the “lost soul”. I feel horrible guilt at not having that same passion. I just don’t have that desire but God commands that we do. I don’t have the desire to go and find that lost soul like he did, to teach like he did. All I see is arguments and attitudes over religion, people getting caught up in the details and correcting everything you say, and I detest having to deal with it. I tire quickly and retreat with this kin of thing. I’ve dealt with it before and I have taken a back seat to the approach by praying for people instead of talking with them or seeking them out. I do hope that God understands and allows for me being me and will not hold me accountable b/c I didn’t go into the mission field or do this or that. Yes we have done our amount of church work and Sunday school classes. But at some level I just finally said enough is enough. I can’t work, have a family, have a life and try to do all this too. I just finally said I’ll live my life and allow God to be a pilot of some sort in my life. I’m a Christian and will never NOT BE. But I don’t go out and do a lot of “works” or “search for lost souls”. I just be me. And I hope that is ok. I’m not even sure I’m a good example. I’m good with working with someone one on one who is ready to receive the word, but I’m done with “tudes” – attitudes. I kinda feel guilty because I know on judgment day I’ll be thinking I wished I’d done more. But people honestly don’t want to listen unless they are at rock bottom. I’ve worked with some of those by offering prayer with them when I felt it was appropriate. I am very compassionate one on one. IF they open up to me I open up to them. If someone is hurting and I see it, I’m at least all over that.
  • When Dad died I was off getting my Master’s Degree (MBA). I feel like I was in books and writing and meeting goals instead of being there for my mother and sister. Looking back, it was quite the accomplishment for me. I learned a lot. I ate it up. It worked well for my grief but other than phone calls every few days, I basically feel I wasn’t there for them. In addition the distance of being an hour and half away and our busy schedules keep me from being there for Mom as much as I want and that makes me feel guilty.
  • When the tornado happened and the Pandemic happened as with many major $ campaigns – so many others gave to it. I did not. I kept holding back thinking there would be someone personally that I could help. I have a thing about giving money to big organizations. I have to feel it in my heart that I’m giving toward something I can see the results of. I have given to people around me when I knew it was needed. I won’t give examples b/c we are not supposed to. So I feel I hold on to $$ and become selfish with what it goes toward. I guess I look back too on how hard we have worked for things and know that retirement is coming and I feel selfish at wanting to have enough to do things we want to do and I just hold on to it because I can’t decide to just let it go. So if I had more compassion, I’d make more of an effort.

So after looking at all that – that just came vomited forth. At least God says to confess right? Sorry, lol. Some of it extremely personal and at one time, hurtful. I realize it’s mostly just because I am who I am – introverted and driven to tasks and very detailed at those tasks. The Enneagram very forthrightly spelled or confirmed I should say – all of that. But I do feel like even though I’m wired the way I’m wired, God intends me to take that and work with it and try to be what He needs me to be. I agree I couldn’t have been everything everyone wanted me to be. I will never succeed at that. So looking back I don’t fault anyone or myself for that. Everyone has their needs and we all fail each other, especially if we have not leaned on God to help us with these needs and situations or to even understand what is really happening at the time or why. Which is why I feel I can openly talk about these things. I don’t blame Mom for telling me I treated my sister like a dog. She just wanted me to be nicer. She didn’t know the words would sting me still some 43 years later. She didn’t know I was an Enneagram 1 at the time and needed to be told things a certain way. lol. People who thought I could have been a better Mom were people who had their own images of who a Mom was in their heads and I didn’t meet their own images. They can’t help that. I’m an individual and had to do things the way Sonya knew to do them. To me I was doing everything just right and then some. I don’t blame George on our anniversary night out to tell me I could improve as a Mom –well ok I do a little– as I cried that night in Olive Garden. I was thinking he would brag on me as I’d tried so hard to be a good Mom and Spouse and he told me I needed to improve instead. Totally destroyed my heart. And I realized then how people even close to you can so easily misjudge your intentions. Has happened a thousand times since too. I don’t know that it was the place or time for that conversation but and I would have loved to have heard some good compliments as surely I did something right? But I guess like everyone else – mostly people are set to improve things by telling you the bad and not to pump you up with good things to be heard about yourself if they are so highly irritated with you. I don’t fault him though really over all. He just wanted more of me and my time was split. But I didn’t see that at the time. I was just being me. Wasn’t that ok? That was his main complaint was time and how I spent it. He felt I spent too much time worrying over the house work and hobbies. He didn’t understand me or my needs. It’s not easy being married, having families, having careers and having it “all”. And even when you try your best you are still not being the person everyone wants you to be. So with that and trying to be compassionate, I can give these words to someone else so it may help them. I’m not writing these words to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s all kinda water under the bridge at this point. Yeah maybe there are still some hurts in there that come to the surface time to time. But I’m choosing to forgive and learn from it. I can’t go back. I’m still me. I still have the same traits. I probably would even do things the same way, give or take a few things. And others seem to be more patient and understanding after all these years too. We just all have to try to have more compassion to deal with trying to understand one another. No one really intends to hurt another. But we sure do. If we only had the compassion?

So there ya have it. All kinds of stuff there that sometimes make me struggle with my desires to be task oriented versus people oriented. I could do better. But I usually go with what I know and what I want to do in the moment. And hopefully this helps someone by reading. We strive to have it all, strive for perfection, and our personalities and personas and the way we are wired including our experiences – put wedges into things. We just have to steer through it while still being true to ourselves. I think if I could have communicated better, it would have helped but what can you do? It takes someone who will listen and let you talk to do that. Everyone likes to hear themselves talk instead of listen. Me included. So you yell to be heard when people don’t listen and then people take offense to that. So yeah, it’s just a lot easier to blog! And that is what I’ve done most of my life. Blog. And that’s why we all get all along is because we are listening to one another, reading one another, and understanding because we took the time to.

Thank you for reading and not judging.

So what ya’ll doing for the weekend? I’m dying to hear! I wrote a LOT for you all. I’d love to hear a line or two from you!

9 responses to “New Washing Machine, Rainbow, and Why I Think I Need More Compassion”

  1. That is one snazzy looking washing machine. Cool!
    I like the Baby Bingo card. The shower will be a big hit.
    I hang most of my clothes too after I throw them in the dryer for a few minutes. That really cuts down on the wrinkles.
    I use to be a “list” person, but never to the degree that you appear to be. I use to plan everything. Details? I don’t miss a thing. Now I only do list occasionally. More things I don’t want to forget. I’ve learned to live in the here & now & still keep track of things to come. Lists can become overwhelming. Every time you look & something isn’t checked off, you almost start to dread that item. Not sure if this makes sense. Or when things don’t get done you feel like you should have accomplished more. Lists can put pressure on the list maker. You need to make or take the time for “things” that just happen. Life.
    We’re not doing anything special this weekend really. Cooking out & eating in. lol
    Maybe go down the lake and sight see? I could use another watermelon.
    Enjoy your pool party. That sounds like fun.
    Monica 😎

  2. Oh my dear Sonya, what a long read today. So much to think about, perhaps a letter would be a better place to write a comment it could be so long…anyway first the new washer, I’m delighted it looks great, and so glad that it takes so much clothes it will be great at saving time when your busy,…when are you not LOL….I enjoyed very much your long write about compassion and how you felt about it and still feel about it. Like you I think I am not a people person, but when I look into it deeply I realise the people come to me, I have been told countless times how I have helped somebody or they had felt better after they had seen me. I have know idea how that happens but I believe I do try to give people my full attention so maybe that is where there is a difference between us, you like people but you also want to be doing your own thing so although you do listen and help people can feel that your not really ….with…..them your to busy worrying about missing a time to be somewhere or doing something ….anyway love as you know we your blog friends love you. We can listen to you for as long as we want …or ignore you for as long as we want….but we know that we are HERE FOR EACH OTHER ….night night. God Bless.

  3. Thanks for answering my questions, Sonya. Very insightful! I understand and get what you’re saying now. I feel like I’m a lot like you in so many ways.

  4. The Rainbow is beautiful I am so tickled every time I see one. It is like a gift from God to remind us everything will be ok.
    Thank goodness you got your washer. It looks like a really good one. Getting a new appliance is a big deal at our house. We keep our stuff until it wears out. We had to get a new refrigerator and a new riding lawn mower last year.
    We had to pay to have a new deck this year. But we are enjoying it since the virus hit.
    We went to the market this morning and got our fresh vegetables. We are grilling hotdogs, corn on the cob and I am making a pasta salad to go with it. I am slicing up some veggies and fruit and we have apple pie for dessert.
    I think we are cooking out on a memorial day as well. Steaks, and whatever else hubby throws on the grill. I probably will make a salad.
    It is a beautiful sunny day here I am wearing my shorts. Playing on the computer and stopping and cleaning in between,
    As far as compassion I would do anything I could to help someone who needed it. Working, raising a family is not easy but it is really rewarding. I know I worked all the time when my daughter was growing up. Because I had to not because I wanted to. It is exhausting sometimes woulda coulda should have. I wish I could have worked part-time and spent more time enjoying her when she was small. But looking back I did the best I could. She was loved and taken care of. Anything she needed I got it for her. She had a happy childhood.

    Life is hard. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws. It is a part of being human.

    Hope you have a good weekend.

  5. Love the washer! When we got ours I discovered it sang to me when the door opened and closed and finished! Fun times! lol

    The compassion thing. I believe that you are either born with it or not. You have been doing a career for so long and HR is not easy! And you can’t have compassion while doing it. It is one of the hardest jobs and not recognized out there. There aren’t many people that are going to go up to you and pat you on the back and say “atta girl! You’re doing a great job!” So, that in itself will make you coil inside yourself.

    I am a compassionate person. And sometimes that can backfire on you also. I feel to much and maybe on the wrong people. What I’ve learned in my almost 57 yrs is that you can’t give to much or feel to much because its not given back when you need it the most. I have found that I recoil so much more now instead of reaching out because of it.

    From what I’ve read your daughter is very well adjusted, educated and loving, so I think you can give yourself a break on that one! lol Kids are resilient and I’m sure she knows you did the best you could have.

    Have a good Sunday!

  6. I’m a lot like you, get side tracked, busy with my stuff that it’s hard to worry about other people’s issues and I often feel like I don’t know the right thing to do or say when other people are suffering. Maybe compassion is like being a Mum though, people have an idea of what they think it ought to be and everyone’s idea is different. The only person’s idea of compassion you have to live up to is your own, though I think it is important to start with compassion for your self. A lot of the time I fail to live up to my own standards and if you berate yourself for it, it never helps. I found it a lot more useful to accept my own human frailty and try to think of the failing as a lesson. That allows me to think about what I am going to do differently next time.

  7. Now please delete this if too private or none of my business but I have not heard you mention your sister. I myself have two sisters who have passed away but I also know that disharmony can invade families. If that is so that is too bad. I’m sorry if this is too nosey so ignore me if that is the case. (As it really is none of my business). With blogging it is like you’re getting to know the other person.

  8. Thanks JE for the question. I do have a sister! She lives about an hour and a half away. It’s been a minute or two since I’ve seen her. I’m sorry to hear that your sisters have passed.

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