God, Grace & Gratitude Gets the Focus

You’ve probably seen this picture before if you are not new to the blog. I saw it in my photos and decided it was a perfect focus for this period of time in my life, and also for the start of this blog post.

Each week is a struggle for me, a battle. As a person who feels too much and pushes it down (or writes about it), and a person who analyzes too much (and still doesn’t come up with an answer for life), and a person who seeks joy, but rarely finds it (because of the previous two things), I find that this simple quote brings me peace.

I have plenty to be thankful for in the midst of this season of life trying to run me over as if I’m a thrown out cup on the side of the road. So what, if only twenty-two people watched the last video I worked so hard on and was proud of, so what if I goof up and make a mistake at work by putting down the wrong date, so what if most of my personal down time is not existent anymore, so what if we don’t get to see friends anymore, so what that life feels so alone most of the time in a world full of interesting people, so what if I don’t get to travel and explore the world like I thought I’d get to do some day, so what if I’m no longer in control of most of my life (unless I left everyone behind and ran away, lol), so what if others don’t like who I am, don’t appreciate or see any value in me as a person. So what! So What! So what!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I can choose to lay in bed and wallow and feel sorry for myself.

I can choose to chase my tail in circles and find new strategies (that also seem to fail me).

I can give up on all I’m striving for. (That’s looking like a really good about right now – no goals, no aspirations, no worries, no trying.)

I can take a break and come back and try YET AGAIN (probably will do that –again).

I can whine, blog, vent, fuss, cry (been there done that).

I can let my thinking continue to be negative and tell myself that no one likes me, loves me, cares for me. That everyone is tired of me, doesn’t understand me, rather not be near me. That I’m a failure at work, at home, at play, at video creation and that basically God made a mistake when he made me and that He only made me so everyone would have someone to judge, punish, criticize, make fun of, hate, and talk about.

I can do all those things, and have.

Photo by alleksana on Pexels.com

Or I can let God, Grace, and Gratitude take over my life, sit at the wheel and make the decisions for me. I am a pitiful human that only He can make perfect. We can beat ourselves up for all that we have failed or continue to fail, for all we do wrong, for mistakes we make. We can analyze ourselves and others to the moon and back trying to understand why we are the way we are and how to fix things, or make things better, make people like us, read us, watch us, spend time with us (time we don’t have), or we can just give all the worries to God and let Him make our lives perfect in Him.

I’m afraid that is what I have to do. I just notice I said “afraid”. Yes, I am afraid to let Him have control. I have fought to have control for so long. But it’s the only way I can be at peace. The devil is shaking in His boots right now because He sees an internal change taking place and shape within me. He doesn’t know what is up, and frankly I don’t myself. But the devil has been throwing curve balls increasingly.

He (the devil) stirs up all kinds of things everywhere and from every angle to discourage me, make me look bad, make me feel bad and to hit me in the knees and make me buckle over to stop me. He should know me better than that. He should know God better than that. If He had he wouldn’t have fallen from heaven and from grace. His pride got in the way.

But God humbles us in our pride if we are in Him and He gives us hope and something to reach for. He forgives and shows compassion. He leads us to the right paths when we don’t know where to go. He comforts when we are depressed. He lets us rest in Him when we are weary.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’m at a low point right now in this season of life I’m in, but it’s ok. I have God picking me up and lifting me higher. Maybe even to a new purpose. I don’t know. I’m trying to be persistent in my goals because that is what is ingrained within me. I’m trying not to be disheartened by this life. I am anyway, but God, Grace, and Gratitude will get me through. God is the one that is in charge of this game we call life and even though we may play our own chess pieces, He makes good come from every move, leads us as we make our moves, and He will play the end of the game, just as He does. And we know who wins in the end.

I will “Embrace What is and Forge Forward” as I always do. I won’t give up. I will fight the fight. I will keep the faith. I will not let my own negative thinking, or negative people consume me. I will bury my grudges against all in a mind visual of burning them into the fire, one by one and they will all be gone with the wind. And if these storms are bad tonight, we might all be. :-O

Deep session today, but not really. We are all deep. Sometimes deep in manure. lol. Sometimes deep in thought. I realize we don’t have to dive in deep anymore, we can just “Let Go” and “Let God” – sorry to use an expression that so many have worn out, but when you get right down to it, that seems to boil it up.

My focus right now is on quarter end, getting Mom what she needs, giving George some time on Friday, pulling our easter meal together this weekend. More on that later.

Be back on Friday friends.

Successes and Failures, The Hostess Dance, and In the Ruts of Life

So, we spent our Saturday yesterday with Mom. The main purpose was to get some pictures hung up. Quite a few were hung but we didn’t get finished as we also wanted to get her out of the house some. We took her to eat lunch and to buy groceries. And we went to Lowe’s to buy more hanging materials, cleaning materials, and Mom wanted to see a sun shade for the deck and so forth.

I guess our day was a concoction of both successes and failures.

Success: Several pictures were hung

Failure: It seems like not near enough

Success: Lunch was absolutely wonderful

Failure: We had to wait and stand in a cold area with Mom (77 and prefers sitting and warmth) for 40 minutes in crowds (while Covid is on the downside it’s still around).

Success: We got a few groceries

Failure: The grocery store we wanted to go to was a chain we’d been to in Hendersonville only this one was in Lebanon and it basically was totally different (night and day). It was totally ghetto (I guess we haven’t figured out the pockets of Lebanon yet). I wondered if we’d make it out alive plus a woman was coughing out her an entire lung all around us in those small aisles :-O.

Success: We got several things at Lowe’s and Mom looked at some patio shade options.

Failure: They didn’t have the vent filters Mom wanted and somehow we didn’t get home with the pack of nails we ordered. And there might have been a bit of drama in the check out line when Mom refused to use the self-check out while George held the clerk up to insist that she come check out where he was. I was in the middle of it all in which I finally yelled out across the store from several feet away with Mom “She’s gonna do what she wants to do George, she’s not coming – just go on!” (Insert your biggest eye roll here to which everyone in the store looks and you can see them saying oh you all are THAT kind of family. Yep we are. It’s like Carol Burnett and Momma all over again. We should have our own show. It’s much worse than Kate Plus 8! Let me tell ya. Sometimes I dread going out in public because of the drama if everything is just not perfect. Holy psycadolie on steroids. I just invented a new word I think.

Town Square Social, Lebanon – the Hip Place to Be on Saturday

As mentioned, our lunch at Town Square Social was just wonderful – once we got a table. Our twenty minute – turned into 40 – was a little uncomfortable for my 77 year old Mom, especially, but she hung on to a stair railing and endured it peacefully.

I was the one doing a dance shuffle b/w two front tables, the front door, the hostess stand, and hallway traffic as there was nowhere to be that was not in the way. I guess we can call it the hostess area dance. You go forward, backward, sideways, in, out, hop two steps over, three steps back and repeat “I’m sorry” “So sorry” back to back in regular intervals.

The walls of the restaurant have interesting character. And our meals were so good and we were so glad to be seated in a warm area. The day was very cold yesterday. It mainly was in the 30’s I think. It could have reached 40’s but if it did no one realized it. It was just as ugly and grey as all the rest of the days were lately but at least there was no rain or snow where we were.

Saturday Evening and Today

Back at Mom’s, searching for lost nails and a few remaining pictures hung, the clock quickly approached the five o’clock time frame and I think George was anxious to go home. Normally I would be too but at this point, I think I’ve lost all hope of doing anything I really want to do as I have these tremendous road blocks every where I turn and it’s just taken the life out of me and my hope or faith in doing anything I really want to do.

I’m not giving up completely, because my robot switch is turned to ON, and it’s at least going. I’m functioning. Going with the moment. I’m stuck in ruts and can’t get out. Everything I try to do turns to mush so for today I’ve decided to just settle in the muck and mud and waddle in it like a pig. Why make plans when you have to break your neck to do something you want to do? So I’m just not doing anything. The day off is here. Finally. I have no plans. I’m a feather in the wind. My will has no control anyway. So I’m just sipping coffee here and seeing what happens next in my life. LOL :-O

I tried to create a vision board on Pinterest this morning and I gave up. I put a dog on there. I put a new kitchen update on there. I tried to find video creation things to put on there. Camera and video and photography things. Blogging and VLOGGING things. Not much to add. The idea of a vision board quickly disintegrated. It was further depressing. Who am I kidding? I couldn’t manifest a chili dog at this point in my life. I mean think about it. The dog won’t come til later, the new revised kitchen won’t ever come – so I settled with an order for Amazon for under $100 and a Thrive Cosmetic order for under $50. LOL Even in doing that George had asked if I could wait and order Tuesday. What and Why? Simply so it would “show” as under March’s budget instead of February for his records. Not for financial reasons, but just so it shows under a different month. No. I’m doing something for ME today. Please no one else try to stop me from doing something I want to do. My entire life is on hold already or everything has some roadblock or closure or mountainous terrain to climb over. No. Let me have this one pleasure please.

The Amazon order – I have waited a month already to order it b/c I wanted to wait til I got closer to needing it and I’ve already gone too far past the point of needing it. The time is now. It’s ordered. I get to decide something in my life today. And ordering something on amazon is it! I work too and I don’t spend that much on myself. I quit getting hair cut, hair colored, and did my own toes a few times in winter, I cancelled Isagenix, I cancelled audible. I’m ordering my bras that I need more comfort with (I’m officially done with underwire and uncomfortable strapping bras), my makeup basics (eyeliner and a neutral eye color) that will last forever, and a rain coat (b/c mine leaks). I work too and I am ordering these needs that I have. If that is not good, then I’ll schedule the kitchen model makeover consult. LOL You remember how long the floors took, how we almost divorced over the bath shower makeover, and how I had to give up my dream of RVing. Yeah so my goals are all crushed but not like they show in the movies. All those people crushing their goals out there? Well I’m crushing mine too. Crushed, crushed, crushed- stomped. I told you this blog had new meaning right? LOL I can show anyone how to crush a goal, a project, a dream, kill some time, kill a project, kill a dream. lol Just be around here for a few minutes and watch it happen. We can help you like no other to crush those goals around here. Ya got have a little humor, come on.

So since I’m living everyone else’s life, I’ve chosen just not to do anything today toward my own goals. What is the point of scrambling along the hamster wheel reaching for things I can’t get to or going places I’ll never go. I’m trying not to plan anything short or long term, just exist. It’s much less painful. I’ve had coffee, oh – and I ordered a “joy” Bible Study book since I obviously need to learn the joy of living everyone else’s life.

Sorry for the sarcasm today. But gee, the heart overflows with what I’m feeling inside which is kind of a “why am I even here” and “what is my life suppose to look like” kinda mood/mode.

I may finish the laundry. I will take the BP Meds. I might clean some. I will take a shower. I will change our sheets. I will have prayer and devo time. I might try and figure out Final Cut Pro on the next video b/c that is what is bothering me the most that I can’t get over this next learning curve. I feel like if I can get around that curve, I’ll be around the curve on the JOY factor as well.

What You See is What You Get?

Oh, and the crocs I ordered Mom? You know the “bright yellow ones” she got when I ordered Stucco, and off-white so it would go with everything? Well….when I got there yesterday she had on Stucco colored crocs. They were not bright yellow. I feel bad for leaving Amazon the bad color substitution review. She just can’t see and they look like a bright canary yellow to her. ::sigh::

Where Do We Go From Here?

I’m very tired. I’m off today. Not doing much. Just very tired. It’s all good. I see the sun coming out. The temps will be higher later this week. I feel and need a dog in my future. That will lift my world. I think we’ll start looking once we do our April trip to Knoxville. I’m trying ya’ll. I’m just very discouraged right now. I know I’ll pull out. I know my outlook will change. It will get better. There is bird chirping outside the window now in an effort to cheer me. I know He’s been sent by God. It’s a sound I’ve missed and God said “spring is coming and the sunshine will soon come back in your days”.

In the mean time, Mom’s pictures have to be finished hung in her house and she has finally agreed to let me help her unpack. So looks like I’ll be spending even more time over there and less here. She wants to go with me on my next pedicure run. So I will fill my days with trying to get things done for her and try and get her settled as to what degree we can in the weeks and months ahead.

I will erase any grand plans on a time schedule on my own, will erase my own goals as a now thing, and put them off for yet even more time. I will stick to basics because that is all I can handle for now. Just breathe. Live in the moment. Sip coffee. Find joy in the small things. Go for a walk. Do my little challenge (being self-helpful to myself). Read. Blog. Work on a video as I have time or want to or CAN figure out with this new software. Yeah. Take time out to learn. I have to just learn to be simple. Not much plans. Scratch the desires, goals, dreams and pushing because it only agonizes me to not have time to work toward them. (I have to de-motivate myself. Really? Most people long to be motivated!) Just be. Just accept and embrace what is until I can figure out a way to forge forward. After all, that IS this year’s motto.

I’ll be more of a mentor and a positive person for you all later. I appreciate those of you who are sticking with me through the muck. You find out who your friends truly are. Thank you for your support through the struggles we have of life. I keep saying tomorrow will be better. And it will. Til then I’ll stick with basics and move gently and softly forward, as life allows.

Friday Morning Thoughts on COVID-19 through Coffee and Music!

So it’s Friday and that brings a source of glee that the other days do not. Right now Friday’s and sleep are “where it’s at“. Oh, Friday’s and Sleep and Weekends, can’t forget those.

And the coffee sure is good this morning.

So Day 2 of the Social Media experiment. I didn’t miss it at all and really didn’t even think about it. The only time I thought about it was when I saw the red numbers on my phone building. I have 152 notifications and 3 Instant Messages all unread and unlooked at. No bother. Nothing I’m itching to get back to.

My mind is a little blank right now as I type this. My thoughts are on the next video which I have worked on this week filming some. I don’t want to really tell you what all I’m working on. I’m getting some B Roll shots, which as I was telling someone – the B Roll shots are actually my favorite parts. I guess that makes them A rollers huh?

My mind is also on the COVID-19 which we can’t get away from it seems. It was nice that people were starting to get out and economy back open. We all kinda new it would surge back up again, but being the hopeful spirits we try to have, we DID get our hopes up thinking that we would go back to somewhat of a normal even though inching there. With the numbers surging, it has a lot of us thinking we are all just going to get it and then most of society will have the antibodies and then we can go on. But no, just when your thoughts are turning positive again, a study comes out about how the antibodies only help for a little while. So what? You could get COVID-19 over and over again? That study was from China so not sure I buy in. And what? So all the ones who are anti vaccine will change their mind and get the vaccine and then we will have who knows what in our bodies and then there are those rumors about putting things in our bodies that make you obedient and all that. Whaaaaattttt? Can we just go dig a hole already?

I watched a YouTube sailing couple’s show yesterday. It showed up in my YouTube suggestions. And the lady had just lost her spouse to COVID and was trying to figure out where to go from here. She didn’t want to sail by herself and was not sure she could. But she didn’t want to sail her boat. So she is hoping for a crew to sail with. It’s just so sad. I felt so bad for her.

So I go from thinking the loss of life is a small percentage and we all have a good chance of survival and then you hear of something like that – that just makes it more real. If they could just figure out how to cure/fix it for sure. Once on ventilator they say the survival rate is low.

So these are unfortunately where my thoughts are today. Just discouraged that the COVID-19 will be here forever – or at least longer than we want – we have already surpassed that point. I DO however, KNOW that people are smart and will figure all this out. It’s just hard to know what to believe.

I was thinking yesterday – do I know anyone that has even had this? No I don’t. Just random things like yesterday’s videos here and there where people have talked about it. All these people getting sick and you hear more of the numbers than you do any data from those who are ill. Do you all personally know of anyone that has had it? I suppose soon we will as the numbers grow.

I’m struggling a bit still. And yesterday was VERY Long despite being busy at work. I watched the clock all day. I think about COVID-19 a chunk of the day while I’m working. I try to listen to music and it brings consolation.

I made a note to share this song with you all as this song meant a lot to me. It’s beautiful. It’s a video/song by Bruno Merz. I love the part where it says “Everything will be Alright”. I needed that! I feel sometimes as if God himself picks my music line up. I truly DO believe He has the power to do that.

I enjoy food and it brings consolation. Talking with friends brings joy. Working in my office at home brings complete happiness. 😉

I know that Everything Will Be Alright. I’ve never been one of patience. God is certainly teaching that. We just have to keep finding the positive sides to everything. Find the good parts of the day. And today the joy comes from the fact that it’s Friday and two whole days to bless our homes and work on things we love to work on.

God is in Control. We that love Him and Know Him are in His hands. So go on and enjoy the coffee, your meals today (yum), your music line up, and give each other a cheer and a prayer with your coffee cup held high!

We will get through all of this eventually! Under HIS wing!

Oh and….we have a Dust Plume coming! :-O. But the murder hornets have held off for now!