You’ve probably seen this picture before if you are not new to the blog. I saw it in my photos and decided it was a perfect focus for this period of time in my life, and also for the start of this blog post.
Each week is a struggle for me, a battle. As a person who feels too much and pushes it down (or writes about it), and a person who analyzes too much (and still doesn’t come up with an answer for life), and a person who seeks joy, but rarely finds it (because of the previous two things), I find that this simple quote brings me peace.
I have plenty to be thankful for in the midst of this season of life trying to run me over as if I’m a thrown out cup on the side of the road. So what, if only twenty-two people watched the last video I worked so hard on and was proud of, so what if I goof up and make a mistake at work by putting down the wrong date, so what if most of my personal down time is not existent anymore, so what if we don’t get to see friends anymore, so what that life feels so alone most of the time in a world full of interesting people, so what if I don’t get to travel and explore the world like I thought I’d get to do some day, so what if I’m no longer in control of most of my life (unless I left everyone behind and ran away, lol), so what if others don’t like who I am, don’t appreciate or see any value in me as a person. So what! So What! So what!
I can choose to lay in bed and wallow and feel sorry for myself.
I can choose to chase my tail in circles and find new strategies (that also seem to fail me).
I can give up on all I’m striving for. (That’s looking like a really good about right now – no goals, no aspirations, no worries, no trying.)
I can take a break and come back and try YET AGAIN (probably will do that –again).
I can whine, blog, vent, fuss, cry (been there done that).
I can let my thinking continue to be negative and tell myself that no one likes me, loves me, cares for me. That everyone is tired of me, doesn’t understand me, rather not be near me. That I’m a failure at work, at home, at play, at video creation and that basically God made a mistake when he made me and that He only made me so everyone would have someone to judge, punish, criticize, make fun of, hate, and talk about.
I can do all those things, and have.
Or I can let God, Grace, and Gratitude take over my life, sit at the wheel and make the decisions for me. I am a pitiful human that only He can make perfect. We can beat ourselves up for all that we have failed or continue to fail, for all we do wrong, for mistakes we make. We can analyze ourselves and others to the moon and back trying to understand why we are the way we are and how to fix things, or make things better, make people like us, read us, watch us, spend time with us (time we don’t have), or we can just give all the worries to God and let Him make our lives perfect in Him.
I’m afraid that is what I have to do. I just notice I said “afraid”. Yes, I am afraid to let Him have control. I have fought to have control for so long. But it’s the only way I can be at peace. The devil is shaking in His boots right now because He sees an internal change taking place and shape within me. He doesn’t know what is up, and frankly I don’t myself. But the devil has been throwing curve balls increasingly.
He (the devil) stirs up all kinds of things everywhere and from every angle to discourage me, make me look bad, make me feel bad and to hit me in the knees and make me buckle over to stop me. He should know me better than that. He should know God better than that. If He had he wouldn’t have fallen from heaven and from grace. His pride got in the way.
But God humbles us in our pride if we are in Him and He gives us hope and something to reach for. He forgives and shows compassion. He leads us to the right paths when we don’t know where to go. He comforts when we are depressed. He lets us rest in Him when we are weary.
I’m at a low point right now in this season of life I’m in, but it’s ok. I have God picking me up and lifting me higher. Maybe even to a new purpose. I don’t know. I’m trying to be persistent in my goals because that is what is ingrained within me. I’m trying not to be disheartened by this life. I am anyway, but God, Grace, and Gratitude will get me through. God is the one that is in charge of this game we call life and even though we may play our own chess pieces, He makes good come from every move, leads us as we make our moves, and He will play the end of the game, just as He does. And we know who wins in the end.
I will “Embrace What is and Forge Forward” as I always do. I won’t give up. I will fight the fight. I will keep the faith. I will not let my own negative thinking, or negative people consume me. I will bury my grudges against all in a mind visual of burning them into the fire, one by one and they will all be gone with the wind. And if these storms are bad tonight, we might all be. :-O
Deep session today, but not really. We are all deep. Sometimes deep in manure. lol. Sometimes deep in thought. I realize we don’t have to dive in deep anymore, we can just “Let Go” and “Let God” – sorry to use an expression that so many have worn out, but when you get right down to it, that seems to boil it up.
My focus right now is on quarter end, getting Mom what she needs, giving George some time on Friday, pulling our easter meal together this weekend. More on that later.
Be back on Friday friends.