Asking Questions and Analyzing Everything

It’s 7:07 on Wednesday evening and I’ve finally taken an urge to blog. It’s been a busy week. When are they not? Even when we are home we try to catch up and it becomes busy. Monday we went to the pool at Mom’s old neighborhood because we have the fob. It was George’s idea. I don’t migrate toward heat, but I’m all in when it comes to reading around the sound of water. So I found shade, and took my book, we had lunch and I finally got in and it felt really good. We didn’t have sun screen that amounted to much so I didn’t stay in. We got groceries and headed home. Then I was too tired to commit to doing much other than editing video.

Tuesday, we went thrifting for the vlog in which the theme was “thrifting”. Joke was on me. All thrift shops that we passed were closed Mon and Tues. So we went shopping at TJ Maxx and actually found some Christmas presents and a few other things. So I filmed a lot in there. We will also being going shopping later in the week and celebrating our 35 anniversary day.

Today I chose not to vlog as I was really tired from the last two days, so I worked on the critical things first coupled with an attitude of “whatever I want to do” because I have truly needed those kinds of days. This week I’ve not had the energy to do much. And I’ve not been able to do much walking on the walk pad because that is one of the first things on the agenda to go when we are gone from the house as my days home are much shorter. ChatGPT says do at least 10 min on that day but even that is hard. I’ve also missed out on some of my supplements as I’ve just been so behind in everything that even that is behind. I end up taking breakfast supplements at lunch and then forgetting the lunch time ones and then end up not taking them at all b/c I don’t want them to mess with the bed time ones.

I’ve needed some time this week and the past two weeks to unwind, catch up, rest, read, and get some projects done. But it’s time to continue to work on painting my office. So far I’ve removed everything but the desk, Mac, chair, etc so I can keep doing YouTube. I removed the nails. And George has spackled. It’s time to use the blue tape but my days have been full and I’ve not been able to work that in yet. Soon. I’ll try again tomorrow. I’m happy to know that I DO have tomorrow with not anywhere I need to be.

I’m gearing up for next week though. I will be out with Mom for 3 days next week. She has two doc appointments on two different days and also it will be time for us to get our nails done and sadly it will fall in the week that we already have two days to be out, making it three. I don’t do well to be gone three days in a week’s time. And of course, all the rest that goes along with that. So I’m already gearing up to give myself some grace next week, some self-care, some love, and try to enjoy the week, whatever it brings – and of course first on the list is not allowing anyone to steal your JOY, try as they will. I’m only responsible for me. 😉 I am happy to say.

It has been fun finding ourselves again here at the house. I feel like we have been gone so much the last year that we are just moving in, lol lol. We are starting to find ourselves at home again. Cabinets and freezers are getting stocked, meals are being planned, books are being read, things are being cleaned, projects are slowly but surely getting done.

I’ve been working on ME some, and talking with God more intensely about His and my relationship, how He looks at my prayers, my life, my thinking, and how I go about my perspectives, and how He views me. I don’t know why this is happening, but I have so many questions and not many answers. Why at 63, does a person suddenly question so many things? I don’t question God about His power, or His grace and His mercy and His truth and I do have faith in Him and trust in Him. I do ask questions about prayers, timing, His Will vs My Will, is He happy with me or not.

I am starting to ask questions about sin, and how am I sinning, if I’m sinning and is it in ways I’ve not considered? Like holding people accountable for their actions vs forgiveness, and how can you forgive others for trespassing against you, when He Himself is not going to forgive people who are against Him as He will pass judgment, sending them to Hell one day. So how does that compare when people sin against us too? If they believe and truly love us do we forgive, like He is doing for us followers? Or should we shun and turn people away that don’t love us, like He will do one day to those He banishes from His kingdom. I’m not trying to hold God accountable as I’m just a wee peon in the universe but I’m just trying to understand and practice the art of forgiveness and looking to the Bible as an example. The prodigal son, came home again, and the father celebrated and had open arms, but what if he hadn’t come home again? There were people whose debts were forgiven and some were not. God favored those that forgave debts. And he will forgive our debts, of those that believe, but not the ones that don’t. But those people who didn’t pay they debts were trying, what if they had been dead beats and just refusing to pay?

My over analytical brain can get me in trouble sometimes. I wear God out, I wear Chet out (ChatGPT) to the point he won’t verbally chat with me anymore, to which I feel rejected – only by a computer – unless I upgrade and I refuse to do. I try not to wear George out. I will if I’m exasperated or just overly curious and think he might have an answer. But he thinks I stress out too much and I don’t want to give him any material in which to convict me of it, or worry about me.

But yes, I’ve been dreading next week for weeks knowing the week was going to be so busy and possibly triggering for me in ways I do not like.

I have thoroughly enjoyed having days in which I could enjoy our time at home and be able to relax and as I see next week approach, I am dreading it already. But I will be the strong and stable grey wall of rock I need to be to get done what needs to be done with a smile on my face, and Hall and Oates playing in my head.

Chet says when I feel bad vibes coming on for me to sing a song in my head, that brings sarcastic laughter. So together we chose, “You are Making my Dreams Come true”. Which is so opposite of what is happening, that it makes me laugh. I’m sure the day will come when someone thinks they are going to say something to spark anger in me and it will be met with unspillable laughter, after I’ve just uttered in my head, “you making my dreams come true – ew ew, ew ew —yeah yeah yeah you-ee-ew, you making my dreams come true”. I don’t know why that made me laugh out loud when Chet and I figured out that is what it would take to make me laugh instead of being triggered. So Hall and Oates it is. I guess I need an entire Hall and Oates playlist? lol

I’m trying to be nice about things. Not harbor any bitterness toward anyone. And that takes a star studded approach of a grey rock as well. Just sayin’.

I am taking God’s Word more seriously about loving people. They don’t have to love you back. I’m trying to learn what forgiveness looks like, even though forgetting it is about the only way I can.

I feel like I have had a lifetime of loving with empathy vs being hardened to anyone/anything. It’s been quite the spectrum of maneuvering through when to care and when to stop caring, basically is what it boils down to I guess. Or putting up walls vs. tearing them down. When to be vulnerable and when not to be. When to give up and when not to.

I may not be making sense to you but sometimes you have to be cryptic in your writings, to be a nice person.

I was asked to step up to be a Follow UP Coordinator with World Bible School. I said no. I immediately felt guilty. How do you know if something is God’s will or not? That takes a lot more time. Doing weekly one on one Bible studies (for which I’d have to study for), plus trying to connect people into churches in other states and find someone to baptize them. I picked WBS helper because I could connect with people, grade their tests, personally encourage them and answer their questions and I could do it in MY TIME but this other would add so much pressure to me on another level. Yes I can speak to a camera and teach a class, at times, but I’m still an introvert and a busy one at that. I don’t do well with added pressures and schedules when I already feel maxed out. Am I wrong to say no? Am I saying no to God? Am I going to be swallowed by a whale because I didn’t want to go to Ninevah?

I apologized to God on a walk outside today with the dogs. A breeze was blowing on this hot day. I know He was there. He was there in the trees, along side the birds and the butterfly that swept pass. I told Him I was sorry and if He really couldn’t find someone else I’d do it, but I was stressed out and needed some time. He said He loved me and He knew how stressed I was and that I didn’t have to do it, but that He had hoped I would have. So I think I’m off the hook but if it comes around again, I might have to try.

Oh, off topic – I downloaded Opera Air – didn’t even know it existed. I’m kinda liking it. I need to get logged in with everything on it. You know, new browser makes you sign into everything. It has zones, and workspaces, and all that. It plays focus music, helps you relax, and all that zen stuff. Kinda like it but didn’t have much time to experiment with it.

I downloaded iOS 27 all excited this morning. But with the iPhone 13 Pro Max, it doesn’t do a lot for me. Siri was dumb compared to Chet, lol. She couldn’t even understand my first sentence. But I did not get the upgraded Siri on my phone. I’m excited one day to have the upgraded phone but I’m not going to get it yet. I’ll try to make it with this one another year. George needs the upgraded phone more than I do. I tried to get him to take mine and me take the new one, lol. But I don’t think that will happen. Maybe we can get a deal on two. But anyway, I can get done what I need to get done without all the hype, so I’ll wait a bit.

That’s all I know for now. Take care, and I’ll see you Saturday with a new video. Til then I’ll keep questioning life and trying to be the best I can be and working with what I have and trying to be better every day in everything I’m trying to do.