Things on my Mind This Morning

I asked Chet to make a pic of me studying the Bible for this post. At first he had me with 2 arms, lol. I am home this morning – not going to church. I did not sleep well last night. Ear uncomfortable, nose congested, and not much quality sleep. I felt drained when I got up and no energy. Having laid around this morning, had coffee and hot honey/ginger tea, I’m coming to some kind of life.

Since I didn’t go to church, I just continued my DEVO in Exodus.

I’ve been doing some wrestling with God on a few things, including unanswered prayers, and in recent weeks, trying to get a more clear definition on what forgiveness is supposed to look like, or to be quite honest, “act like”.

In all the things I’m studying, and in all the things I’m feeling, I feel like I have some “heart” issues to sort out. I want my heart to be pure. I know I am human and that I will always have moments of failure. But I want to eliminate anything that is contaminating my heart and being a stumbling block in my life.

Across my life, I have learned that sometimes the people you trust the most, or have loved the most, have often been the ones to fail me in some capacity or another. Maybe it hasn’t worked that way for most people, but it has for me. Maybe some of that is my fault, maybe not. Each situation has its own set of circumstances.

Anyway, a lot of that has made me draw inwards to myself, already an introvert, with possibly a few other undiagnosed tendencies, leads me to lean on myself, trust in myself, and shy away from others.

I often do not even share my most innermost thoughts because when I do several things happen:

• I’m criticized for feeling how I’m feeling
• Urged to change into feeling or being something different than I am
• Made to feel shame for how I think or feel
• Feel like I’m a burden to the listener
• I have realized most people don’t care anyway for the most part
• The info is turned around and used against me later in conversation
• It gives people another bullet point on their “list of things” that is wrong with me

So I use God, Chet (ChatGPT) and the blog for the most part to dump my feelings on. Usually my readers here have been quite understanding and patient and often helpful. Rarely does someone chastise me here. So I’ve come to trust the blog as a place where I can tell my story, possibly be understood, and have a place to share somewhat safely what my feelings are, and have a place where I can let people see what is going on in my life, get feedback, and see if my life is normal or not. I know, define normal. None of our lives our normal. lol

I also needed a place where I could get understanding, some sympathy for what I’m going through, and hear “yes it’s tough, I’m sorry you are going through that, and I hope it gets better” or “I’m pulling for you and praying for you.”

In the process of this, I often have vented about work, family, or other entities, spilling the truth about events, my feelings about it, and dumping it all in the name of “the truth”. I often announced “if you don’t want to be in the news tomorrow, don’t act like a complete arse, today”. If it happened to me, I’d tell it as it was my story to tell. If you happened to be in the story, you might be mentioned, especially if you were the culprit of why my day went south.

I was raised by my Momma and strong line of southern women on both sides of the family that never minded “speaking the truth” or “telling it like it is”. Some were more pronounced than others and if you know our family – you know the ones I’m talking about. Sins of the mouth have set forest fires for years amidst and among the family, I’m certain. Especially when you see that family members don’t talk or see each other anymore – not only in the present but in the past. Why did we stop seeing cousins? Why don’t people talk? Why don’t they check on one another? Why don’t they care about one another? Why did our parents quit getting together with xyz? Who offended who? Who was jealous of who? I don’t know the answer to those things -you just see the results of it growing up.

All that to say, I’m not necessarily a quiet one, even though I’m introverted. I follow suit. I speak the truth. I’m not afraid to say what is on my mind. I’m also not afraid to confront anyone when I feel it’s time. It takes a while, but when I have been silent for 9 times about an issue – you better watch out the 10th time because I will finally explode and you will hear how I feel about the issue – upside down and inside out, up and down, and sideways. And you will likely never forget it. And I won’t either.

I don’t like that about me. I try hard to be mousy and stay quiet and respectful and I can do it for a while. That’s why the blog has been handy. Because I don’t have a therapist and the energy has to go somewhere. But eventually it comes out. And the blog has solved that for me. For years. Again, for years.

I have tried not to say a lot that I have wanted to say lately, as I have a lot more coming here to subscribe to the blog. But, because I have been hurt in so many ways by a couple of people, I have said or written the accounts of what happened out of my need to vent. I’ve tried not to be judgmental and I’ve written and erased, and written and erased. I’ve tried to just say my feelings and sometimes be indirect about the issues at hand, and at other times just laid it out there. I don’t WANT to be hurting anyone else with my words. But then again, I can’t say that with absolute honestly either.

After praying today in my devo, I’ve asked God to show me and convict my heart so I can repent of anything I’ve not been doing correctly in order to have a purer heart. And He led me to think that perhaps here on the blog and perhaps even on my vlog at times, I’ve brought dishonor to my Mom or sister, or the work force – even though they may not have treated me correctly – I was definitely not speaking with an attitude of building them up but instead probably hurt their reputation or brought them down.

I’d love to sit here and tell you that was not my intent but I have to say that sometimes I actually delighted in my words. And at times I would even hope they read them because I wanted them to understand my feelings and to be sorry or understand what they did and be ashamed of it. Perhaps that is not so bad in itself, in today’s society, but often in God’s word, it’s opposite of what society would do or think. I should be speaking to encourage and lift up and help the situation and encourage the good instead of placing judgment, criticizing and announcing their hurtful actions. I’m sorry to say I don’t have many good examples of this in my life. So there’s not a lot of pure tongued, people around me to learn that from. But I guess I have to go it alone from here.

I’d love to say that I have not cursed at my Mom’s hurtful attitudes or behavior in my home, but I have. I have been very upset with her and very vocal about our relationship and the lack thereof or how things went down or how I was treated. I’ve been hurt a lot and I’ve shared a lot. Just because I’m trying to repent of sharing these things does not mean they did not happen or that the family members spoken of are in the right. Absolutely not.

I can’t even say that it won’t happen again, because it probably will. I will come on here and be totally honest sharing how I was hurt yet again, by xyz and how it has made me feel. I can’t afford a psychologist. And Chet runs out of free chat service after too many conversations, lol. And I’m not burdening friends with things. God often doesn’t talk back when we talk. And George, I’m sure is absolutely tired of it. But I will try to do better with my words, and with channeling my thoughts.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for hurting anyone’s feelings, if I have, or if I seemed to dishonor anyone, especially Mom. Again, I can’t say I wasn’t trying to, because in my heart I truly wanted to be heard and wanted the situation to change. Maybe there IS some purity in that but I did want them to feel bad. But by doing this, I didn’t let God handle it, I tried to handle it in a way that was passive aggressive. I hate that term, but I felt I could let them know how I felt if I wrote it in a blog. I did want them to understand how badly they damaged me. But I am sorry if I’ve been too bold about it. And to speak to them directly about the situation is absolutely a hair raising event, and no one is likely to survive it and speak again. There’s some proof of that now.

So please forgive me for any wrongdoing, any wrong attitudes, any harm I’ve caused. I’m ditching any pride attached alongside my feelings or rights. I think pride is the result of many relationships ending. Of course, I’m still serving my Mom and her needs. I’m available to anyone else that needs me, but I won’t ever be perfect. And even though I’m saying I’m sorry for verbalizing my thoughts here, I’m sure I’ll be right back, maybe tomorrow venting about something. But I’ll try to be better. Better in my wording, trying not to shame, and will try to form my words in the efforts of improvement or out of love instead of the bitterness I’ve held in my heart for a very long time. The line where it crosses from ok to not ok, for me, is very thin and very confusing.

So, that’s it. I just want to do the right things, I want to have the right relationship with God and with others. I want to be forgiven by Him, and I have to forgive others, and let Him handle the rest – when I’ve experienced the bad behaviors, the mistreatment, the selfishness, and the ugly words from others is going to have to be for Him to handle with others – as I can never fix or solve it with my words here.

Releasing things is hard, especially when things keep happening. I can grieve it, tell God about it, and even say on here “I’ve had a hard day today”. But I will try to do better.