Not really sure how this entry is going to go. I’m trying to figure out the best way to share without really sharing. There is a domino impact of things happening right now in so many directions and on so many layers.
So I guess I will keep it simple and perhaps I should just do a bullet pointed entry so that my paragraphs do not become too entangled. So much is happening that it is very difficult to keep focused on anything and my mind is going in 40 directions trying to keep up with everyone. So let’s just go with this.
- Recently we placed membership at church, we began tithing, I’ve said “yes” to doing a few things in 2023, and I’ve begun doing some Bible Study on my own. Things are happening and the devil doesn’t like it. I’m convinced we must be doing something right because I feel attacked on all levels it seems. “Count it Joy (the Bible says) when you experience such trials” and thank you Lord for the Comforter that attends to us and helps us. “Nothing can harm us”. “Be not afraid of what man can do”.
- We’ve been busy lately pulling our “angel” children’s gifts together and got the shopping for that done this week.
- I got the video uploaded and discovered it was only 1.5 minutes long. Something must have caused a hiccup. So last night I had to reload it. But Dexter’s adoption video is scheduled for Saturday at 6:00 a.m. Going an hour earlier since Fancy’s grooming trim interferes with my regular time slot.
- We confirmed plans with friends for a Saturday in December. I realized we are having a Christmas here at my house on the 3rd and kind of panicked b/c we won’t have decorations up by then, I don’t think unless some miracle happens.
- George got upset with me for worrying about our house and the way it looks. I basically told him to get over it b/c that is always the way I will be – worried about how my house looks when company comes. He thinks my view is all wrong. It’s engrained and I don’t like for my house to look bad when company comes. He said I should give up my hobbies each day to get it done. Not a good response for a spouse! Naturally the ire ran through my blood and I will say that our conversation went south quickly from there. I don’t ask for much but let me have my hour or hour and a half a day of down time. Yes we love our friends and we’ll all have to get over it if the house is messy (it won’t be b/c I’ll probably stay up all night the day before working on it), which is what makes me panic. George then began telling me that I was acting like other “people” he knew and even accused me of being narcissistic which also did not go well for him. I told him he could likewise meet the definition for it so not to go too far down that road.
- Then I called Mom to check on her and we chatted a bit and then she told me that she was tired of not getting out and that I was not doing a good job of getting her out of the house and taking her places and that she should not have moved up here because I made promises of us going and doing things. I don’t have these types of conversations with Mom unless George or a third party is around so I quickly went into the room where he could hear. I really don’t enjoy having conversations with her because it feels unsafe (coming from childhood and teen and early adulthood altercations and beyond). We both explode because I have so much under the surface regarding her and if she says anything the wrong way it ignites me to no end. Mom raises her voice and then I raise mine. I am better about remaining more calm these days but I find myself raising my voice to match hers so that I can have a say. I asked her what she wanted me to do different and all I remember was taking her to get a hamburger or go somewhere but not shopping and she didn’t know where she wanted to go but she just started yelling. (She did not want to go to church Sunday so she declined her opportunity to get out. And probably still put out with me that I forgot her chicken Sunday as it wasn’t with her other list on text and I missed it.)
- Over the next week we have so many outings and gatherings with her that I don’t even have time to do our laundry this weekend without staying up into the wee hours of the night and we have to get it done so we can start packing. I exclaimed while I work FT and have a spouse, a dog, etc. I can’t just be gone all the time away from home and I need down time. Here’s what all is coming up. I mean GEEEZ!
- Saturday (Fancy Trim), Breakfast out, Lowe’s, Penny’s, Shoe shopping, etc. (My only day off in several weeks and I was happily giving it up for her).
- Sunday (Church in the morning) and back at her house that night for Thanksgiving meal with her. Isn’t it nice of me to still do a special meal with her before we go to Texas? I thought so, but apparently it’s an entitlement and not something to appreciate? She has always barked at us kids that we did Thanksgiving and Christmas with spouses family and not actually at her house on the holiday itself. My guess is that some of her angst is coming from this as it’s the week before we go. (Note: My life has always been so drama filled over these grudges and negativity and demands. And I’m afraid it has taken it’s toll across my life and I’m about filled to the brim with what I can take for any more negativity in my life – after I’d done so well and come so far trying to shake off all of those previous years.
- One day next week (Wed I think) we had planned to take her out to eat and do groceries before our trip
- Next Friday before we leave on Saturday is her eye appointment and I will take her out to eat.
- But this past week she declined the church day and that is not on me. Knowing that she gets about 60% of our spare time b/w this Saturday and next Friday + we had things going on this week, we did not make any extra plans with her during this work week we are in – is the weekend not enough? I guess not. We saw her last Thurs at her house and brought her groceries Sunday.
- She blistered my butt about not handling things like she wanted. I exited the conversation as I saw no point in either of us yelling. She is not going to have any empathy of us working FT jobs out of town, or having our own dog, house, and selves to attend to. It’s all about her.
- I WILL BE finishing this conversation with her as I have a few boundaries to set and she will either hear me out or learn of them the hard way. I am going to have limits on my time and I’m no longer her child to boss around. We are seeing to her needs and that is just simply that. She does not get to demand her way with me any more.
- I’m through walking on eggshells around people. I’ll say what I need to say to set boundaries and don’t have to be anywhere I don’t want to and I don’t have to be bossed around and refused to be guilted by anyone when I know my intentions have been good and I’m meeting needs.
- Respect has to be earned.
- You get more with honey and sugar rather than stomping your foot and being accusatory. Poof magic wand, watch me disappear if it keeps happening.
- It is possible to run the 2nd daughter off and she’s already half out the door as I cannot be the diety of a daughter she wants me to be.
- George and I discussed the conversation over the next few hours – both his and mine conversation, our marriage and the toll that all this is taking on us with my being so stressed, and then Mom’s unhappy outburst and DEMANDS. It honestly nearly sent me over the edge. I had such an urge to pack the car, head west and never look back. Imagine being sixty and feeling like you want to run away, lol. Not really.
- I honestly feel I don’t deserve to be treated in such a unloving and demanding way. It’s never about asking if we might do something but it’s posed in a demanding way which brings up memories of childhood and I don’t respond well to it and it ends up not turning out well for her, b/c do you think I have an increased desire to go and do extra things for her now after one of these hell raising episodes? Hell no.
- Yelling back has always been my way of saying “I can hold my own against you.” Now I understand that a lack of reaction is really what you need to do when people act that way and it’s really hard to stay composed. That is what I want to talk to the therapist about.
- Why do people think they can act like that and get what they want?
- Anyway I’ve decided to give it up and talk with a therapist about how to deal with narcissistic personality, and how not to let that type of personality have a lingering control over my thoughts or shroud my day beyond such an encounter- whether it be something with Mom, George, or anyone else that tries to control or manipulate what I do or think. I don’t really have time for this but I can see that I’m going to need someone to help me deal with all this in a healthy way.
- I already know how to set boundaries so there will need to be an understanding how things are going to go and how I am NOT going to be treated. I will tell her what she can expect from me. We will discuss her needs and if she can tolerate a normal adult conversation then we will proceed to try to figure out something she can do in her spare time.
- There is so much negativity that it becomes overbearing and I am not going to accept any more unsafe relationships, I don’t care who they are. I don’t have to be yelled at or try to be guilted into manipulative situations so that others get their way on a whim.
- Mom chose and made her own decisions to come up here because her other daughter chose not to have anything to do with her anymore. I can tell you, again, that I’m not going to take the yelling and demands myself. I will give her a list of what I will do for her and when and I’m not giving her ALL of my spare time.
- I never signed up for entertainment director but she’s saying I did. I told her we could do a few things but she mostly don’t want to shop and that is really mainly what there is to do. She doesn’t ever feel like doing things. And I’m sympathetic to that. I know she can’t see or walk well and in pain, so we don’t take her shopping on our long excursion days as she would be uncomfortable and she hates to be away from Fancy and fusses that things are so far away or take too long.
- We take her to church, doc appointments, dog grooming, grocery store every 1 to 1.5 weeks, out to eat, go by and eat with her, hair appointments except the perm one. We find time to schedule to take her anywhere she has asked to go. I try to work it in on Fancy grooming days because I want most of my Saturdays. That is fair that I get a day at home to deal with laundry and housework and have some personal time to myself.
- I work every week day and away from sun up to sun down. Sundays we are gone over half the day until 2 or 3 when the productive hours are over. There seems to be no appreciation for any efforts I make in the time we have, or no understanding about how hard it is to work FT and do what we are doing.
- Well ok then if we are going to put hands on our hips and throw demands! Then I have a few demands too! I’d like to be understood! But I won’t demand it. She will never get it. She thinks all I do is sit on my butt and do videos all day. I’m not giving up my hobby unless you want to see a side you’d rather not see. I have to have some rest and down time. I’m not a rug to be stepped on.
- George and I ended up having a drink and cheering to the fact that we are all narcissistic and crazy. lol. He and I ended up praying together over ALL of the negative energy that was in our house last night either by phone or in person, lol.
- I still have so much to do before we leave for Texas and then after Texas will be a crazy week.
- I need to make a list so I don’t forget anything but honestly at this point I’m just so stressed out that I don’t even want to look at a to do list.
- All of this anxiety, yelling, and unrest has taken a toll on my nerves and my psyche. I have had a hard time concentrating at work, making it take longer to get things done.
- Dexter also has not done well this week and he knew I was upset last night and gave me a hug, which was sweet, but he also was upset and was destructive last night and again this morning and really didn’t even want to eat much. He seems better now. Last night (early morning) when he jumped up on the bed, I put my pillow on the bottom of the bed and lay beside him with my arm wrapped around him. It was such a bad night. I sort of felt alone in the world. I needed a hug. The tears fell from my eyes and the Lord removed some of my stress. But daylight found me with a bit of dreaded residue from the night before.
- In the morning’s light I did not want to get up out of bed. I considered calling in. But I pushed myself up.
- I realize God hears my prayers and has sent a Comforter, but I need a person to help me with strategy, defense, self protection, self care, while still being able to be there for someone else. God will give me strength and He gave me strength to get through the day.
- George has corrected me to say that I am NOT a caregiver and that is the wrong term to say that I am. He agrees we did not sign up for that. When it’s time for caregiving it’s time for Assisted living. Everything Mom is asking from us, Assisted Living could provide. But the money is likely not there for the long haul.
- We agreed to get groceries and take her to the store, doc appointments etc. We do things on holidays b/c she is family. I will say that I don’t enjoy the socialism and there is so much negativity and there is always something wrong with everything, and everyone -nothing good ever happens. There is very little laughter. It’s just not enjoyable.
- She proved to us last night that it’s closer to time for assisted living.
- We all could do a little better if we didn’t wake up and decide to be miserable cows all day long eh?
- What will happen if I say “I’ve had enough?”. She will have limited options at that point, but there are lots of services that deliver. And then she’d have her sister left or assisted living but would have to coordinate everything.
- I’ve tried to do what I feel God wants me to do, but God didn’t say “be a door mat”.
Anyway I thank you for listening to my frustrations. It’s not the best place for these things, but at this point, I really don’t care anymore who knows about our family dynamics and disfunction. It’s not like it’s a secret that there are issues. Anyone that knows our family and it’s family members is well aware of what has gone on and gone down, lol. And me sharing can hopefully help someone else as I share the answers I find with how to deal with narcissistic behavior from any of the sources of my life whether family or work.
According to several psychologists out there this type of behavior is happening quite often and so many going through this very thing. And interesting to know that narcissism is a personality type and not a diagnosis – for the most part anyway. And personalities are quite difficult to change, so that means setting boundaries if the relationship is to continue and to use coping tools. I also plan to discuss MANY things and be able to hopefully rid of some of the anger I have stored up over the years from so many facets of my life.
Ok over and out. Told ya it was lot.
19 responses to “Dealing with Unwanted and Narcissistic Behaviors | Decisions to Seek Therapy for Coping Tools”
Wow! That’s a LOT.
You owe it to yourself to see a therapist.
Your health, marriage and future are at stake.
I felt this meltdown in the making. You have overloaded your dance card, once again.
I would love to help you out but logistics aren’t there.
Please take care of YOU!
Oh you are sweet but it’ll take a professional to deal with years of stuff across multiple relationships that have impacted by this monkey! 🙂 I’m not afraid though because I do have a mighty God.
God is always with you. 🙏
As someone who comes from a long line of dysfunctional families, I can empathize with you. It sounds like you are well aware that narcissism is running rampant in our society and it’s almost impossible to cut every toxic person off. Setting boundaries, reinforcing them and learning to “gray rock” without getting caught up in their drama is what’s helped me. Oh, and lots of prayer. Big hugs.
Yeah been doing gray rock for a while. lol 😂 Thanks for reaching out!
I’d mentioned counseling awhile ago but I’m prejudiced as I’m a mental health nurse. I think you will find it so beneficial both in your relationships but also in overall coping and feeling good about your life. Kudos to you!
I’ve always tried to do it on my own but I need some tools ⚒️
It is all too much. I don’t blame you one bit. Yes you do need someone to talk to that can help you deal with all this stress. If you are going to have to work full time, run your own house plus your Moms . There is no easy answers. I think everyone is stressed this time of year. You are only one person. You have to take care of yourself so you won’t end up sick or in the hospital.
Yes my capacity is filled to the limit currently.
I have had a feeling this was going to come to be as she has always demanded what she wants and expects all to jump. I love the phrase “I am happy because I choose to be”. I had a client that gave me that when talking one day. I have tried to follow it and it makes life so much easier regardless of what is going on around me. As you know I live in Florida away from it all. I don’t know where she got this way of life, but Wayne would just give into her for anything she wanted and she thinks the rest of the world should do the same. If you need to talk and I do love you and George for all you have done for her. I was so haping she would adjust her life and start enjoying what she has.
Love you Aunt M! 🙂 It’s all ok. Or I will be anyway. Don’t think she can ever be happy in this life for any stretch. It’s all very sad. Im learning a lot about her “personality type” which has also on a spectrum impaired her children (;- O) to some extent due to learned and modeled behaviors. I know I can never please. Never have. Never will and it’s unfortunate that my personality type is to keep trying. But I will try to learn how to react to bad behavior and set boundaries to protect myself and George. I have to learn not to let her control my emotions- mainly just have to learn not to give a flying duck 🦆 I guess. It’s hard to turn your emotions off so that is where the therapist comes in. It’s impacting my marriage (my responses to her behavior as it makes me so angry I could spit fire) makes George on edge and this ruins his evening. He didn’t sign up for that!
Well you and George have to learn to just turn a blind eye when she starts. I went through the 10 years after Daddy died and the fights between her and Mother. They were oil and water. Talk to mother she would tell me what MY SISTER did and talk to Billie and she would tell me what MY MOTHER did. I think they screamed and hollered at each other everytime they were together. I would start as soon as they got in the car. I was raised by the same family and I do not know where all this came from. Of course, when Mother would start fussing I would just close my mind and go into my world and enjoy my life Maybe that was the secret for me. I left to make it on my own and I loved them both dearly but I just did not want to be controlled. I think Mother discovered that and never tried again. Give me a call if you need me
I don’t tolerate that behavior anymore. It harmed me to be around it. I don’t have to be anymore.
I can relate to the problems with your mother. After my dad got lung cancer they moved to our place in a trailer house. After my dad died, I couldn’t do anything right for my mom. Even worse, she started berating my older sister who is one of the best people in the world and alway tried to please her. I know how you feel.
Thanks for your words of support! I’m sorry you had to experience that. I wish this were just an old age thing but there’s been a lot of issues since childhood and of course all the memories come flooding back but I’ll forge thru it. Thx for being here!
By the way, that was me. I forgot to take the time to put my email and name in before I posted it.
Well that was a load to get off your chest! And sadly I understand everything you were writing about. First and foremost, Caretaking is the word! It is what you are doing for your mother! The more she is alone there the more you will have to do for her. Or George. Your lives will slowly become her life. I live this daily. It’s so hard. I never really thought I was a caretaker, but one day my mother said to me and my sister “Well you signed up for this!” Well no, we didn’t. It started small. Pick up this or that. Fix this or that and so on. And now the medical things. The loneliness , The cleaning , the shopping. It’s all caretaking.
You are doing the right thing by seeking a therapist to talk to. It will be good to get everything that has been pent up inside of you out of you. And then you have hubby. Mine will say “Just tell them you can’t do (fill in the blank) for them. It doesn’t work that way. And they want attention also. It’s all so damn hard. But keep holding your own!
Soon you’ll be able to see your precious grandson and daughter. That will ease your mind and heart for a bit. Just what you need. Then after your vacation you can start dealing with the elephant on your back…. your mom.
Take care. I hope Friday brings you some peace!
Thank you Rose! I appreciate your supportive comments!
Well Sonya, we’ve known each other a long time now so I’ve seen you go through many ups and downs, but these last few months have been the hardest I’ve felt cause I could feel all this coming to a head and couldn’t do anything about it. That’s hard when you admire someone as much as I admire you…and George.. he is part of this triangle…To read that your going to look into having some therapy really gives me hope. At last something that will help. But thinking about it won’t ..it’s action I want to see. So please before you go to Texas at least get an appointment made. Don’t say I don’t have time….drop EVERYTHING make that appointment. ( just think if you…heaven forbid, …but had an accident and you landed in bed, you would have to let everything else go by the wayside). God Bless.