Tag: Relationships

Two Busy Days, Three Misunderstandings, and a Few Surprises

On By BackporchwriterIn Family, Food, Life, Psyche, Relationships, Restaurants7 Comments

The picture above is what my heart feels like when I get the rare day off to work on all the things I need and want to be working on at home. My heart sings with glee. And coffee. Even if only for a few minutes.

Friday

Friday I worked til 11:30 and did what I could for quarter end. Made some pretty good progress across last week with catching up and getting month end almost finished. I’m sure I lost ground a bit Friday by leaving early. So I drove to Lebanon to get Mom. She had on a top with black in it and navy pants. I asked if she meant to wear navy or black pants and she said black. So she changed into black pants. It’s hard to see the difference in black and navy as you grow older. I often have an issue with that as far as my socks go. Then we went on Hendersonville to the eye doctor so she can get her shot. And then we ate in Hendersonville afterward at Lincoya for a mid afternoon “linner”. A cross b/w lunch and dinner, lol.

Chicken Park at Lincoya, Hendersonville, TN
Cute Restaurant Decor at Lincoya, Hendersonville, TN

Mom got a burger and I got the chicken parmesan. It was so good. Then we went thru Dutch Bros and I got some iced coffee as I’d not had caffeine and after the meal I was very sleepy. I ended up getting an iced coffee, and it was pretty good, but I’d have been better off with the hot black coffee.

I took Mom home and we got her mail and then I stayed over there for a few minutes and caught up on email, blog comments, orders I’d placed, texts, and checked Instagram from River Roo updates. It was nice to just sit in the recliner and do that. Mom had said that George would need to come over the next day and check a fuse box or switch as she had an outlet that was tripped. I asked if it was something I could do or look at and she said no that George would have to do it.

I came home and was not hungry for dinner with George so we watched one of our shows and I fixed pop corn around 8:30 as I was getting hungry for something. Then headed to bed around 9:30 or 10:00.

Saturday

I had set my alarm for 6:00 so I got up fixed coffee, showered, and got ready. George got up and had just enough time for coffee and a shower as well. I was able to gather up some clothes and put them in the laundry but didn’t start it yet as he was showering. And I had just enough time to get in a Target order as I needed to order some make up items and laundry items. I never had my make up colors with me at the store and also Target has my face wipes, and I was out. So checked that off the list.

We left and got to Mom’s just before 8:00 and George checked the fuse box but nothing seemed amiss. The switch on the electrical outlet just needed to have the “reset” button pushed. So he did that and it began working again. On the way to the dog spa, Mom exclaimed how she just loved her little house. It made my heart just melt. I was so happy to hear those words.

Then we took Fancy and dropped her off at the doggie spa. I made reservation for Fancy at 7 weeks out because I couldn’t remember if it was 6 weeks or 8 weeks that we went. When I got to the car Mom said to change it and make it 6 weeks instead of 7. (Insert favorite eye roll emoji here, lol).

Then we went to eat breakfast at First Watch. It was so incredibly good. It was nice and relaxing. At first they wanted to put us at the front door table and I told the hostess we’d wait for a table toward the back b/c it was a cold morning and I didn’t want our breakfast time to be ruined by freezing and being right at the front where people came and went. It was worth the extra three minutes. 😉 I was glad I spoke up as it would have been miserable up there by the door – when you eat out you also pay for an experience and that was not the aura (freezing and people brushing by) that I wanted, lol. And I knew Mom would be miserable and then we would all be.

First Watch Classic Breakfast with Bacon
Sorry guys at the table next door, but I wanted a pic of the restaurant, lol
Napkin Wrapper at First Watch

George gave me his napkin wrapper that said “I love you more than Bacon”. lol I’m so glad. That is something to be honored because Bacon is special. Too bad he didn’t have this to give on our wedding day. lol

After Breakfast we took Mom to the bank to cash a check and make a deposit. As George drove off she said we may have to go back as they didn’t give her all the money. She had me count it but it was all there. I was so afraid we’d have to go back and there would be an encounter with the bank but luckily all was fine and everything was done as she had requested. Just temporary confusion.

After that we dropped George off at the house. He had things he wanted to do and he went to the store for he and I. I had to give him my list while we were at the restaurant.

Temporary Landslide of Conversation

So then Mom and I headed off to the furniture store. In the process Mom began talking about how she was going to arrange her furniture in the den to hold more people. She said she reckoned my sister and her family would never come to see her so she would not need as many seats if all was there at once.

I told her “probably not and honestly Mom I just try not to think about her as it makes me sin to do so”. She asked what that meant. I said that it makes me mad that she is not there to help at least some. I guess it made Mom mad when I said that and she said “well I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you”. Then that made me mad then and I told her that my not wanting to sin against my sister had absolutely zero to do about her being a burden but that it had everything to do with my sister giving some of her beach time to lend a hand with her mother here and there. I told her “seeeeeee, this is why I chose to clear my mind of her because I don’t want to be judgmental or be angry or think bad of her and the only way I can do it is to just not think of her.” (Otherwise I go there and think of all that is happened and it hardens my heart and makes me angry as I remember all the ugly texts I received and hurt I went through, not to mention her not letting Mom see the grandkids much and having them withdrawn from her life almost completely. It just all starts to get a foothold if I let it. The ONLY way I don’t go there is if I let the thought come and go try not to think about it all so that I can forgive. I can understand drawing boundaries but I can’t understand the complete cruelty of the withdrawal and I often am overwhelmed by the remembrance of the ugly texts I received early on. There is so much I don’t understand. That I will likely never understand so I’ve tried to understand all I can and just try not to think about her anymore because it hurts too much.)

Anyway that is when Mom said again she should have just stayed in Columbia. I said “do you know how that makes me feel? (after all we did the last year and still do – it makes me feel like it was all for nothing). And I said “and then what would have happened?” She said “I guess the move would have had to have happened eventually.” I said “yes, b/c we were not quitting our jobs and moving down there and there’s nobody left that can do things for you there”.

During the conversation I missed my turn off for I-40 and had to turn around. I told her that these conversations upset me because I know that conversations with her escalate very quickly and I showed her how my hands were shaking. It was just the same type of conversation that ended my Mom’s and Sister’s relationship. It was a discussion about “time” and “doing things for Mom”. And in that part I’m very forgiving of my sister because I had ten more years of erupting conversations than she did.

Sooooooo many conversations went awry with yelling through the years and so it makes me so nervous that I walked on egg shells around her most of my life. So I was shaking yesterday so badly. These experiences are the dark side of life that we are not proud of and ashamed of because we spend time wondering what it is we’ve done so wrong to deserve it. It can mess you up. It also makes you look for acceptance in other ways. Like this blog.

But back to my sister, It’s just the intentional decision to not help Mom in anyway that I ended up having a harder time forgiving. I get the not wanting to be around drama and yelling and raised voices. But to me, it’s the “leaving someone for dead” that can’t help themselves that gets me. So I try not to ponder my sister. I try not to think about these bad scenes that have occurred across my life and made such and impression on me. I try to forget them and go on. I try to understand what might cause Mom to react in such a way. Sometimes maybe fear. I always really just concluded that it was just her wanting to have her way or wanting to control things. But one really doesn’t know as we often shove these bad times under the rug. I don’t like conflict and I don’t do well being yelled at. I will either shrink like a bug under the rug and hideout, or I will come out screaming like a wild Indian for my side to be heard. You never know, I was taught the one way to react but having learn the other. And it is not easy as we tend to follow the behavior we’ve been modeled. Fact.

So back to our conversation. Boundaries set.

I explained to Mom that I wanted to make it very clear that I don’t mind helping her and that I enjoy a lot of it that we do, but what I can’t do is give my entire spare time over to her as I have to live my life too. I also told her I could not even give her 50% of my spare time. But she needed to understand I don’t mind helping but I do mind giving her most of my spare time. So at least that part was said as I’ve been struggling, as you know with trying to find balance and figure out what God wants me to do and all that.

Finally I got turned around and on I-40 toward the furniture store, hands shaking. I really like it when George is with us so these conversations don’t happen. She is less likely to open cans of worms when he is with us. There is just too much fuel from the past (most of which I have not shared and likely will not) and it ignites so quickly. We know each others ways so well. My nerves were rattled. But I was less shaky as we arrived at the Furniture store. I knew her focus would be on getting her furniture at that point. And “the sister” and “the move” would be back under the table to fester for later.

I was so happy to hear she was finally happy at her place early in the day, but I should have known the opposite would come out later and did with her wishing she had not moved – which I think was after I said I wished my sister would help. By that I think I saw quickly that she doesn’t realize how little time we have but I already knew that. She didn’t work FT much or have a commute so it’s clear that she doesn’t have a concept of how much or little time we have off. Instead of understanding it’s easier to just say “I’m sorry I’m such a burden”. And I guess that is a guilt tactic, I don’t know. I know she doesn’t even realize what she is doing when she says things like that, but I think it’s more of a way to protect herself than to try and understand where I’m coming from. It’s pointless to come to an understanding of each other’s feelings so I just try to avoid these kinds of conversations as they cannot be had calmly.

When Mom feels she is being misunderstood she raises her voice. I do that too as I learned from her. And I’ve had to try to unlearn that. Especially at work and in my marriage. George knows I’ve tried and I think he respects that. He knows what pushes my buttons and even though I try, when I’m tired or pushed to the edge, I often will revert back to old behaviors, defense mechanisms, and angry responses.

I do understand the angry responses come from a lack of properly being able to express oneself and be understood. Where Mom often gets angry if you don’t agree with her, I have been trying to at least understand that others have an opinion. But I’m going down a rabbit hole with these things.

The conversation we had today was simply a basic few words but for each of us it had separate deeply rooted feelings which like a volcano can erupt. At this point in my life, I don’t mind writing about it because 1) I need to try and understand it myself and writing it out helps 2) Perhaps it can help someone else working through similar issues 3) I love Mom and she cared for me, fed me, and kept me safe growing up and gave me wonderful meals and Christmas holidays so I am not having a bash session here, just an honest one. 4) Every family has issues and no one talks about it but we should so we can all begin to heal or try to make it better somehow 5) If you don’t want to be on the news or blog tomorrow, be nice today, lol. 6) I know on the flip side I’m being talked about – as none of us has a therapist – we wouldn’t speak to one another at all if we did because we would “boundary” each other out by now. 7) I need to be able to be heard and this is the best way for me to express it – I’m not even sure I understand the dynamics myself. So I’m grasping at straws here.

George says I overthink too much, but that is coming from someone who analyzes everything. lol I’m trying to learn to live with face value but it’s hard to do when you know there are ice burgs under the surface – or volcanos, as mentioned.

Furniture Store

As we arrived at Smith Furniture, Mom said “Now is this Ashley?”

“No Mom it’s Smith”.

“Oh I thought we were going to Ashley first”.

“Earlier in our conversation I thought you wanted to see what Smith wanted and if they didn’t have what you needed you can go back to Ashley.”

“Well this is ok”

“Good because we are hear now and Ashley is in the area where we just came from”.

Smith Furniture Store, Lebanon, TN

(Insert sound of angels singing here and light shining from heaven above). Mom found her furniture. She went with the old fashioned handle on the recliners. She said that it is annoying when the electricity goes off or gets disconnected. She certainly didn’t want anything with lots of buttons as I think she really can’t see them anyway. These were comfortable. She has ordered two of these for her living room. Mainly as she has a corner with an antique bookshelf on it so a smaller love seat fits better. The downside is that they only had one and they are delivering that Monday. The second one will take 6 to 8 months to come in. And it is on order. But I encouraged her to take what she liked because it’s going to be the same just about anywhere. It doesn’t have electrical components so I told her it might come in a little quicker. But who knows, at least she will have the newer piece for herself to sit on and it’s easier for her to get in and out of.

She was VERY excited. And I’m excited for her. It will look very nice in her place. Her place is coming together beautifully. It’s very pretty.

So Fancy was not ready yet, so we stopped at KFC to get tea with lemon and they didn’t have lemon and gave us a little bit of lemonade in it. At the window the lady said “it’s me today ladies, you two have a great day”. So we gave her a tip of two dollars and told her it was for her personal tip jar. That was so nice.

We went to look at patio furniture at a second hand place and they were just not useable. Very worn. And so Mom wanted to check things out at Big Lots. So we drove to the edge of Hermitage to go there and check things out. Lots of traffic and people out. But we got a good parking spot and walked in. I enjoyed myself after we looked at their patio furniture. Nothing would work – either too big or not made well. I encouraged her to wait.

While I was shopping (found 3 tops there as they had more clothes) Fancy’s spa called and Fancy was ready so I had to rush through the store and then get checked out.

We went to pick up Fancy who was glad to see us and just looked so pretty. She needed a trim badly. I was able to get the date changed to 6 weeks instead of 7 for the trim.

And then we headed for Publix. Fancy was very unsettled and we decided she might have to potty so I found a spot to take her near Publix. It was kinda hard to get out of though because of traffic. Mom sat in the car and held Fancy while I did her shopping. She really wanted to go in but Publix was on the way to her house. And afterwards Mom wanted KFC.

So after running through Publix I got the groceries and then put them in the car and we headed to KFC. We got a bucket so Mom would have leftovers for tomorrow.

Oh no!

When we got to her house as I was unloading everything Mom began putting things in the Fridge and as I brought in another load she said “Sonya my fridge is not working!”

I immediately went to a negative attitude as I was tired and we were just bringing in a lot of fresh groceries. I said “oh my gosh I cannot win for losing”. I mean if you were me, would you not have said something similar at that point? lol

So I said “let me check the breaker” and guess what I fixed it! I who am labeled as “can’t do anything without George” fixed it! Go me! lol To be fair, I think we both were surprised. And to not offend those who say I can’t do anything, I often claim that label myself, so no worries – just keep on saying it – I’ll either prove you wrong or prove you right. Doesn’t matter anyway!

I texted George to let him know that we ate a really late lunch as we got done about 4 or so and that I was not hungry. He had been planning on fixing salmon for us.

Contaminated Beer and a YouTube Misunderstanding

After eating and putting up the chicken and dishes, I headed back home. I was too tired to settle in with anything on my list. I gave myself a break and sat and the recliner with a cold beer which I chose to pour in a glass. I took a few sips and had tiny sticks in my mouth. I thought the beer was contaminated. I got up and the glass I poured it in had rosemary in it. I had gotten in from the (supposedly) clean cabinet. But a man mostly runs the kitchen. I mean this is the guy who when he was a kid, fed the dog, let the dog lick the spoon, and put the spoon back in the drawer. This is the guy who fixed dinner for me when dating, spilled the salad on the floor, scooped it up and put it back in the bowl. Later – much later – admitted he had done that after I had mentioned – also much later -how that salad had hair and everything in it. lol

So I got up and got another non-rosemary glass after careful inspection and began watching some YouTube shows. The cat soon came and relaxed with me.

While watching my shows, I realized I was no longer subscribed to Keep Your Daydream. I am not sure how that happened. It bothered me. Had I accidentally unsubscribed – no I’m not on that screen usually. Had they kicked me off? Maybe. There was someone that I accidentally hit the dislike button instead of like on my phone as my finger is too big for the texts and icons and I totally missed it. I corrected it immediately but I had to wonder if YouTube hadn’t reported the alert anyway as it did happen even though I corrected it. I would never purposely give anyone a dislike on there and certainly not my heroes at Keep Your Daydream. It really bothered me the rest of the day thinking they probably kicked me off. I resubscribed and felt so bad. My intention is only to encourage and I cringed at the thought that I might have created bad will in any form. I wanted to text them but chose not to because after all I wasn’t totally sure they had kicked me off. I suppose I could have unsubscribed unknowingly but I figured they were the ones I accidentally hit dislike on.

Yet a Third Misunderstanding

George failed to read his text and so got up to make dinner. I asked him what he was having. He said I am having the salmon we have talked about all weekend. I thought he might eat something different since I wasn’t eating. He said “you are not eating?” No did you not read my text? I already had dinner.

He said “we’ve been planning on eating salmon”. I said “I’m sorry it is just the way it ended up”. We were not hungry for lunch at lunch time but by 3 we were but we didn’t get a chance to eat it at 4 because of putting groceries and the fridge dilemma. He was disappointed but I was not going to stuff myself and eat twice. I was kinda hungry by 9:30 when I went to bed but I didn’t eat anything – I just drank water. My first though again was how difficult it was to please everyone in my life even though there really only George and Mom and me most of the time, lol lol lol. So I let it go. I texted him but I can’t help it if he didn’t read the text. He kept saying how we planned to eat salmon but things and circumstances changed and I let him know as soon as it did. But he didn’t check his phone so he didn’t know. I did my part and I did the best I could.

My To Do Lists Today

And here is the rest of it……..I cropped out the top part and it made it bigger, lol.

In review, All I can suggest is that for those that don’t understand, try better to. And I will do with same. I’m trying. I have been trying. I think it’s really all I ever wanted, was be understood. It’s so hard to have happen these days as our past experiences seem to define a lot of what we have learned and understood from the past. So while we try to have a new prospective on a new day, it often leans back on what we’d already learned from before. Deep stuff I know. We each have a lot of history and baggage as we age and while our psyches need to have protection we still have to be able to do that and not let down our guard too much. But we still have to try to let go of somethings and not weigh ourselves down and try let each day begin anew, with an open mind and what is hard for me, is an open heart. Mine has been stomped on and reconstructed and deflated and kicked around in so many ways. I wonder how I manage anything anymore but I get up trying again every day.

I am excited to have the day. A lot to cram in, but I’ve enjoyed it already being able to blog my heart out. So there you have the last two days. And much of my insides poured out. One day happiness will show up again. Til then I’m content to just lean on God and get there one day at time until I can finally reach bubble over stages with joy. But that might not come til I get a dog! 😉 Can a dog lead one out of a depression and funk? Honestly I’m kinda not even wanting to do anything anymore so that is my first sign of going into one. I’m teetering in and out of it. I need a dog.

Today I’ve probably said too much, but in a way it needs to be purged and said. I’ve kept so many things quiet in my life. I’ve shoved too many conversations and life experiences under the rug. I’m simply just wanting to live my life without conflict, without drama, do what God needs me to do and try to be happy from here and just let go. So I’m breathing today. Looking forward to tomorrow. And I need the dog.

Coffee Date with Myself, An Array of Emotions, and a Vent Session

On By BackporchwriterIn Productivity, Psyche, Self-Help, Uncategorized, Video7 Comments

I threw some green things up on the mantle since Valentine’s is over and spring and St Patrick’s is the next holiday. Yeah I know one side is heavier stacked than the other. I needed to have bought two of the “ferns” and I’ll get another when I go back to Hobby Lobby.

Panera Soup and Salad

Of course Friday I did all things Mom, Saturday we had our company and dinner party, so Sunday was the day to get anything done that I needed to get done for us. I didn’t get through with everything of course, as it was too packed. I got up and washed all of our fine glasses and cleaned on the kitchen a bit. I went for a walk Saturday morning which was lovely before the south winds started to blow. But I did get my glasses adjusted which with these pair I have to do about every six months. She told me they are about to fall apart and when they do I’ll just get another kind. I also got gas so I didn’t have to try to fit that in during the work week when I’m already in a hurry. I went to Panera and got a salad and soup while doing some planning for the blog, and vlog. I got the car washed and then also went to the grocery to get some items I needed for work and some fresh items for home that we needed. At home, I tried to finish up the laundry but still have one final load to do and will have to do my ironing this week. We had leftovers and watched Manifest and I headed for bed. I had slept until 7 the day before (must have been tired) and then didn’t want to go to sleep last night. Then I overslept this morning and George had to wake me up. ::sigh::

Signs of spring during my walk.
Little Bit in My Lap

Someone requested to see the gifts I received from friends this weekend. And here they are. We laughed and said that the longer after Christmas it was, the more we added to the gift pile that we gave to each other. We did the same. It’s quite the loot there! ;-). I love it all. Lisa is good to me. This was our final Christmas celebration. And it’s awful that we had to wait til February. Between life and work…oh my gosh, as you know if you have read my blog you know how busy it’s been. It was so good to see them though.

Coffee Date with Myself

So I went to Panera and actually had not only coffee but lunch since it was lunch time and I was craving a salad. The 1/2 and 1/2 deal sounded good to me and their tomato soup is divine. I enjoyed the meal so much as I looked over notes I’d taken in the past couple of years on blog and vlog goals. I really wanted to brain storm and turns out, most of that had already been done. I couldn’t think of anything to add, so I basically consolidated my notes. The restaurant began to get crowded, which around 3:30 kindof surprised me. It was hard to concentrate and I felt I needed to leave and let someone else have my table for four (I needed the room to spread out my notes and things). So my idea of having a brain storm and planning session wasn’t all I had hoped. I was hoping for an epiphany – a grand idea(s) – but it was not to be had. All I really did was confirm that I was doing what I set out to do and what I’ve laid out before me that has not been done was mainly because I’d not had time to do it. It’s all there waiting for me to do it.

I left Panera feeling an array of emotions over my VIDEOS/GOALS:

  • Confirmed – that I already had the plans and to do’s laid out and I was headed in the right directions
  • Sad – that I hadn’t had time to get a lot of my plans that I laid out done
  • Disappointed – that I’m not further along and that I’ve not had time in the past year to be more intentional with my videos (using my camera more, going on excursions, telling a better story, filming ourselves). And disappointed that I’m having to learn so many things all over again with Final Cut Pro.
  • Mad – that I have to almost verbally fight with others to get time to myself (not George he’s very supportive). If I have a day off, there is always someone or something wanting a piece of it.
  • Discouraged – about a lot of things – the INTRO I’m not happy with, we have not filmed much of ourselves in the last six months – just things! And I’m disappointed with my work of late because I’ve not had time to do things like I’d want them. And discouraged that Final Cut Pro is taking some time to learn. The audio sucked on the last video. Quite frankly a lot of that video sucked. I just had the footage and used it to learn the new software.
  • Happy – I do have an underlying happiness that I have decided to do the videos and it brings me joy to work on them, to plan them, and work at it and have goals with it. And I’m overjoyed when you all like them and I get a good positive response.
  • Hope – Because I do enjoy doing them, I know that there is hope of improvement and that one day I’ll get more time to work on them again and get on track.

I’m not really ready to share all my goals yet, but mainly it’s BLOG and VLOG growth. I’ve consolidated all my notes and will slowly be able to work on them over time. I looked and the next video is on the flooring. There is hardly any footage of us, so I’ll probably do a little filming of myself walking through the house in current time and introduce it and talk about the flooring a bit and the experience and why we chose those floors.

Growth and improvement are painful. So I have to look at it in that way. I haven’t had time to be intentional with things especially last year while packing and moving Mom twice and trying to meet all her needs as she lived with us and all the doc appointments and care. I let my work on all this slide and it shows. But it’s ok. I’ll doctor it up and patch it up and get up on the horse and ride again.

Everything takes so much time. Here I sit now having overslept, trying to do my normal morning and I’m likely to be late. Life slings us around and I feel like I’m on the end of a whiplash lol.

WARNING, VENT SESSION!

And if one more person asked me if I have done something yet when they know I have zero time to do it I’m likely gonna bite their head off. :-O I’m not into manipulation tactics and can see it a mile away when people try to make me rush to do something. ::sigh:: George says I don’t owe anyone a response for what I do with my time. Even though people may sit in judgment of it. He’s right, but if someone is too pushy with my time, they WILL hear my response, and I will call them out on it for not being considerate and will start to set some boundaries. Let’s just say that the tribe has spoken. I mean if you ask someone to do something for you, one can at least expect to give the person time to do it before they ask if you have done it yet. (Insert eye roll here).

I really need a break ya’ll b/c I’m about to lose my freaking mind. Life is too much. Somedays, I want to get in the car, drive west and never look back. Thank God for sleep because I think I’d totally loose my marbles. And this is where forgiveness becomes key for me every day because others shirk their God given responsibilities and I’m reminded of it nearly every day. I realize I can’t be everyone’s everything. You can’t please certain people. I’m not even going to try. I’m also not going to be manipulated. I have a new rule. The more I’m pushed the longer it’s going to take! I don’t do manipulation and guilt tactics too well. I’m on it like a fly on trash. I’ve had to put up with it most of my life and it doesn’t sit well with me. Tribe speaks again. The tribe is smart. lol

Off to work.

Moving Mom, Unpacking, Eating Out, Pleasing Others

On By BackporchwriterIn Home, Life, Lifestyle, Relationships6 Comments

Odd Schedules. I have overslept the past two days ya’ll! I have been awake in the early morning post-midnight hours (shopping on Amazon and checking email, and doing things I’ve not had time to do all day ) only to fall back asleep around 3:30 and to be woken up by George. It’s been the strangest things. My alarm set didn’t go off, or if it did it was on silent which was likely the case. Therefore I have felt so disorganized. I have been off my routine and schedule and it has thrown me for a loop. My shower, coffee, prayer journal, blog or video editing hour, all out the window. Blood pressure meds forgotten and taken later at night and having to get up at night several times (water pill that is in it). You would think a couple days off would not be so hard on a person, lol!

Mom’s Closing. However, having giving up all those said things above, I was able to get Mom closed on her house Friday. First of all on the way out (because with Mom you leave an hour before you really need to, lol) we had time to go sign her up for her Water service and stop at “Ready Teddy’s” for a breakfast sandwich. Mom laughed b/c she said “Ready Teddy’s” sounded like a sexy lingerie place instead of a coffee cafe. True That. I had never been – except for maybe a coffee through the drive through. We decided we only had time for drive through Friday before the closing but we had the BEST breakfast sandwiches. I mean REAL bacon, mayo, tomatoes that tasted like they were from the garden. We’ll be back there I’m sure. We had to laugh again at their “401k plan” to which we happily contributed.

Back at Mom’s house, most of the things had been done: The sod in place, the garage pressure washed, the blue electrical marking touched over. The screen door however, to the patio does not work. Oh they put it on, but it won’t slide. At all. I mean they had to known. It’s too big for the door. So I’m not sure what happens now. I feel like they will make it right but we’ve closed so it might be all Mom’s problem at this point. Also the dishwasher top pull out is really tight so she will likely have to contact the appliance company for that under the warranty. We don’t have the fobs to the clubhouse yet, but that may come later as the clubhouse had been hit by the tornado back last spring and it’s being remodeled. We “think” we have mail keys but there is no way to know what number her mail box is as nothing corresponds. It has a number on the key but that doesn’t work and there is no other corresponding number. There were probably 30 or 40 mail boxes – it’s almost like they do mailboxes in an apartment complex. And I wasn’t going to try all of the mail boxes so she’ll have to call and find out about that.

We went to Target and she bought sheets and towels and also kitchen towels and washrags. We did good to remember to bring her toilet paper stash from home, lol.

We were able to figure out how to “program” her keys. Thank goodness I video’d the explanation. It was pretty simple, just a bit awkward. I had never seen anything like that where you had to have a tumbler to reprogram keys. The original key we first got in with is no good but we programed her key set in all the key holes. If you program one key the rest of the keys cut the same way work. We were proud of ourselves for getting that figured out. We decided we didn’t need to paper the cabinets b/c it just needed a wipe out. So we are only putting papers in the utensil drawers. We will return the other liner to Lowe’s and get a bit of money back. We sealed her grout in the kitchen and also did the granite.

By this time we were ready to get a late lunch about 2 p.m. as we had done all we could do. Mom was getting tired. And so we went to Local Joe’s as we were both wanting “meat and three” – most of us just get a meat and two, lol. But we call a place that has the meats and veggies – a meat and three – for those not in the south. In some places they are called “cafeterias” if there is a line you go through like you do at Local Joe’s. Mom and I got catfish, lol. I got green beans and navy beans. Oh it was so good. Their hushpuppies had a bit of jalapeño in it – just enough to be good and not too hot. They also have yeast rolls which I said no to but Mom got one and shared a bite with me and it was so good. Then the man came around with fresh baked hot chocolate chip cookies and served us each one off the pan. No worries as they were small ones that met by “two bite” rule, ha!

I’m sorry I’ve not been good at taking pics lately. Life is just so overwhelming that I end up forgetting the blog and vlog and just diving into whatever is going on. Having an extra person to be responsible for just takes a lot away from you it seems. It’s all consuming as my thoughts are all wrapped up in trying to please her and anticipate what her next “thing” is going to be as she has such rigid rules and ways she likes to do things. The air has to be just right, certain doors left closed or open, and when we are doing things – she gives you several “to do’s” – look up this or that on the internet, lock this or that, close this or that, look at this or that. So I’m trying to explain why I don’t have time to take pics of things or even have my own thoughts. lol. I’m not trying to complain here just trying to explain why I can’t get pics taken of what we are doing. I can’t get her list checked off fast enough to whip the camera out. I’ve had to tell her two or three times in the last day or two “hang on – one thing at a time”. She will “stack you up” with to do’s like I’ve never seen. I remember it as a teen too. Of course as a child or teen she could do that. As an adult, she will have to wait til I can get to her. And I try to meet her needs on a whim but I’m only one person and I have needs too, so my thought time is being all taken up as is my creative time but we knew this would be a crazy period. So we just have to work through it. Both she and I will have to grow and maintain a bit of patience. It’s not all going to happen in one or two days or even a month. It’s going to be a very long and ongoing process to get her settled in. If indeed there is such a thing. lol.

When George is around I can get in more pics as he can entertain her for a few minutes so I can get a thought in edgewise, ha! So once George got home and did a few errands he needed to do, when he was ready we were going out to eat. Mom decided not to go. She didn’t want us to bring anything back. I think she is exhausted and overwhelmed. She is used to just sitting in recliner most of the day on her tablet scrolling. She will usually get up and do up some dishes or sometimes fix a dish or crock pot meal or a dinner. She fixes her quick meals and takes care of the dog but mostly is sedentary and so with us going around doing things all day – it just takes a lot out of her. She has not been getting her naps in the afternoons as much because of the calls she has made or we’ve been busy shuttling her here and there. So she is very very tired. So another reason I think she is so tired she doesn’t really even want much to eat.

So George and I went out on our own to M L Rose. It was kinda like a date night in a way. We had an hour wait so we sat at the bar and got a beer. They have a great tap. I got a hazy IPA which has kinda been my go to lately when we go out.

So we had a good time chatting and talking and then finally we got a table. This place is quite the restaurant favorite in Mount Juliet. There are several favorites but I think this is the new one.

My salad was really good. It was supposed to have blue cheese but it was feta. All good though. It was a strawberry walnut salad. I don’t think I even got chicken on it this time. I just really wanted to eat light as Mom and I had catfish for lunch. ;-). I drank a big beer size glass of water – true to my new goals – and so then when we ordered dinner I ordered a flight! LOL. It just kinda came out of my mouth when she said “what to drink?” I wasn’t driving – it’s been a long dang month and Mom just closed on her house so it seemed fine. They had a flight of local brewery favorites and it sounded so good.

But then……..While we ate dinner, George asked me if I would come out of my bedroom more. I’m like what???? Our conversation went something like this.

G: Will you come out of your bedroom more?

S: What? What do you mean? I’m hardly in there. I go to bed at 8:30 because I’m exhausted. I get up an hour early so I can get a bit of time to myself in the mornings and spend time in prayer and Bible reading, do my blog entry (which I’ve done for what 20 years or more now?) And then I rush off to work. When I come home I do chores and maybe get a sneak in time to do order’s on Amazon, check off things from my to do list, or check email before dinner as he likes to be the one to cook -so I have some time then to do chores and to do’s.

S: When are you thinking you want me to come out of my room?

G: Maybe come out of your room one morning a week?

S: And do what? What do you want me to do when I give up my “me time hour”? Watch you get ready for work? Watch you read YOUR email? What am I supposed to be doing with this hour?

G: Never mind, just never mind! I just want to watch our show again.

S: Well we can do that when we get to eat dinner on the couch when Mom is gone, and watch a show again. We can’t watch our show in the mornings, lol.

So I immediately clammed up. I don’t understand and if he can’t explain then I can’t help him. And he was unable to explain what he needed from me, other than he wants to watch our shows again. That is fine but usually after dinner is when we can do that and he is off in the back in the bedroom on the computer in Mom’s temporary bedroom. So………….give up that time? lol That is probably his only hour of the day to get things done. And then he has an hour in the mornings too and then he has an hour after I go to bed. If I get an extra hour it’s in the middle of the night at 1:30.

So I’m not sure what all that is about, but I clammed up because I just don’t understand what he wants from me and it immediately made me feel like I’m inadequate and not pleasing and I started to go into that mode of being frustrated to the point I wanted to cry until I remembered some of my recent training on relationships and boundaries and self-care and manipulation and all that. It’s the other’s responsibility to be able to state what they need. It’s NOT my place to try and figure it out and be made to feel guilty or controlled by another. So…….I immediately shoved it away to pat myself on the back for what all we have been able to do with the time we have.

If a need cannot be described then I can’t meet it. I can certainly watch a show with him but it requires him to be present too. I mean what do you do with that conversation? I decided to do nothing because I can’t deal with things I don’t know what I’m dealing with. I cannot meet a need if I don’t know what it is – to be fair. So other than this blog entry of simply mentioning it – I’m tossing it out the window. I will be happy to adjust when I know what the adjustment needs to be and it makes sense. I’m not going to give up an hour and sit on the sofa and just be there for the sake of just sitting there while others do things they want to do. That doesn’t make sense.

There seems to be an underlying problem but I am not sure what it is. Maybe he thinks I am too independent. Is he wanting to control my time? I have no idea. But he is not happy for some reason. I can’t fix everyone’s happiness if I don’t know what they need. ::Sigh:: So as I went to sleep I just gave it God. I’m only one person. I can’t please everyone. I try but it’s never good enough and it will never be. But I’m not going to suffer in silence if someone else cannot voice their opinion.

So I made the decision to get up the next day and do what I know to do. Live the best I can with God’s help and try to do as much as I can with the time we have and still be my own person somewhere in the process. We don’t get to really program those around us like they are a TV station we turn on and off. So I’m confused by the whole conversation. All that said, I’m still sad knowing there is some issue that I am unaware of what it is. Is he feeling insecure? Does he think something is going on with me? Is he worried about me? Or us? I have no idea. And it’s not healthy to make things up and not fair to me to have to guess. So out the window it must go. I have too many other things in my head to try to guess how someone needs to be pleased if they cannot tell me with words what they need. If it’s simply a show I can certainly watch a show with him but he needs to be present too, lol.

So yesterday morning, I took George to get the UHaul truck. It was a foggy cold morning. I went back to our house to load a bunch of Mom’s hanging clothes in the car from the basement. And put in all that I could put in my car.

George went to the storage unit and brought a load over. We unloaded a lot of corning ware and a lot of unneeded things. But we began washing things in hot dishwater. Much of it has been in the cabinets for years anyway. We put much of the corning ware up and her clothes that we took.

About 1 we went to Zaxby’s for a salad and got George a sandwich too. And that was good. We worked some more and Mom was worn out. She rested off and on and we quit working around 3:30 or 4 p.m. and headed back to the house.

George loaded boxes from the basement into the U-Haul and I loaded suitcases filled with Mom’s clothes from the basement as well as other boxes that I could lift and carry. We both had our own tetris games going.

Last night around 7 p.m. George and I went to get groceries and then went through this Hibachi drive through place and took dinner home. I took a shower and went to bed. I was up twice in the night since I took my BP meds late and then at 3:00 I just stayed up so I could get laundry done, put up the dry goods of groceries we were too tired to do last night, and be able to get my prayer journaling done and Bible reading and blog entry. I feel like a real person again. Sortof. lol.

But it is time to eat breakfast and get on with another busy day of setting up and unpacking. Furniture – most of it – won’t come until next weekend. We were supposed to go get my iPhone 13 today ordered but decided we will need to do it at night one night.

While in the drive through last night, I worked on setting up the “scheduled summary” on my iPhone after a recent update. I chose what apps I wanted to see notifications from at certain times of day ONLY. It seems lately that my phone is wanting my attention. I’m allowing calls, messages, weather, emergencies, and yes even WordPress notifications to come through immediately. But news items, Facebook, Instagram and other messages have to wait until certain times of the day. I’m ok to check it in the mornings and again at lunch, and again after work, and again before bed. I want to know what the headlines are but dang – they send alerts every few minutes so no more of that. It’s so distracting. I may change it to three times a day but I like kinda knowing what is going on with our nation so we have a heads up. Things are so volatile now.

Ok ya’ll what an entry! Let me know if you made it to the end. I’ll try to come back with a blog entry in the morning on Monday. I think today is Sunday, lol. I’m so off schedule. I have a busy 3 days coming up. I will do what I can to bring some pics back. I’m a little worried about this 3 day week but a lot will have to be shoved into the next week until I can catch up. It is what it is as no one is doing my job while I’m gone. So it will be what it will be. Again, hard to please and hard to be everything everyone needs me to be.

EVERYONE has NO CHOICE but to be patient including myself. I don’t have wings, don’t have a magic wand, and no magic potion. And according to some, I don’t have what it takes to make them happy or complete. But you know what? I have me, I have God as a resource. That may not be much. I may not mean anything or mean much to others than whatever it is that need from me at the moment it is needed, whether it be doing their laundry or setting up their household or getting their payroll done. But I am me and I am going to be happy with me even if no one else is. I know what I want. All I can do is try to understand and change accordingly to help others with what they want, if it is something I can provide or change or am willing to change.

Tribe…yeah, it spoke. 😉