We find ourselves looking for the beauty wherever we can during these COVID days. And we try hard to keep our spirits up and find beauty in the day. We place our trust in God to get all of us through this situation. We love one another through it, we pray for one another and support one another. You begin to have faith in human spirit and love and kindness again. You try hard to keep the normal, to get done what you can despite the circumstances. And the sun finally shines.
And then someone comes along and is rude, hurts your feelings, and embarrasses you in front of others – trying to suck the joy – that you worked so hard to maintain. Emotionally, leaving you on the floor and sucker punched and holding your head asking “what the hell just happened?”.
I got out my Bible and prayed. The more I thought through and the more I read, the more angry I became. God sees. He knows my heart. And now I know that HE is angry too.
George came back and said “how’s your day going?” The tears fell. I told him of the issue and he said not to grant anyone access to ruin my day. He might have used additional descriptive adjectives in place of “anyone” – as he has seen this before.
He then sent me Meme’s during the day to make me laugh. Sometimes you can’t just flip a switch when someone hurts your feelings, makes you angry, doesn’t get you, misunderstands the situation. It gets very complicated in your head. I want to make sure that if someone is upset with me, what was the role I played, what did I do wrong, was there something I could have done different, and why is this person angry with me? Or are they angry at someone else. I go through this because I care. I go through this because I want to fix whatever is wrong. I go through this because I don’t want it to happen again. But most of the time my thinking is in vain, b/c I’m not able to talk it out with the person(s), who is/are wired much differently from me. And most of the time I just end up wasting time figuring it out coming to no conclusion other than avoid the same said scenario by totally avoiding the person(s) completely. I’ve seen this same conclusion in others as well. So knowing this, I very carefully decided to pray “The Prayer”.
While I won’t go into the complete description of The Prayer, as I call it. I will just say that it is a prayer of resolve that I pray and sometimes as a last resort, in which I finally just give the whole thing to God and say “ok your turn, you handle this now, I’m done!” It’s not just any prayer. It is a very serious and fervently prayed prayer which results in God’s teaching of very serious but valuable lessons and it changes lives in big ways. So I don’t take it lightly. It is a permanent transfer of my judgment to God’s judgment and His handling is often much more dynamic than any handling of it that I could ever do. And by the way, I’m not a revengeful person and I don’t wish detriment to anyone- but God says to plant any wrongdoing on Him and let Him take it from there. I’ve found that He does indeed handle it. And that is why I’m very careful when I pray The Prayer. The circumstances can be painful but when it’s through there can be rainbows in the end. It’s almost like praying for patience. Don’t ever pray for patience, lol!
George, lifting the spirits a bit – says “hey why don’t we go to Houston’s at lunch time and see if we can get some fresh veggies and some chicken and see what they have?”
So we ran out to Houston’s and was able to get chicken, their home made biscuits, parmesan cheese, lettuce, and few fresh things like potatoes and onions. I also bought salisbury hamburger helper, lol. We used to eat that a lot. It’s a good comfort dish.
Then George said we should go to Kroger and see if we could get stuff to make homemade pizza.
I was immediately taken in by the $4.99 roses and pretty flowers. I started to grab some, but didn’t. I decided a picture would do. That way I could have them ALL.
I was relieved to see that meat had come back! Yay. Limit 2 per person.
Onions and potatoes were available as was plenty of salad kits and fresh veggies.
The frozen section was pretty much just demolished still.
It was tempting to get a few things as we miss fries and certain frozen things, but…we bought that 1/2 of a cow and a pig, so we can’t really put much more in the freezer. It’s why we couldn’t stock up on sale chicken like we do.
So we came back and had a busy rest of the afternoon. I ended up working a full day yesterday instead of trying to get some of last weekend back. Oh well.
I did stop to do a Bible Study as my heart was still hurting from earlier, making it really hard to concentrate on anything else. It’s true that people have a lot of pressure and anxiety and very little patience, and apparently also very little understanding of what is really taking place. So I’m trying to forgive – although really there is no excuse for anyone to be unkind to another. But there is resolve and maybe even forgiveness, if you can focus on beautiful things and not how bad things are.
There really is beauty and kindness in the world. It’s out there. And as if God knew I needed some, right then and there, a text came thru from my SIL asking how I was. I was fine I told her. I didn’t want to waste her day on my problems (soon to be God’s problem by nightfall). But just the kindness of “I’m checking on you” was all I needed to make my heart smile and have faith in human kind again. Plus George trying to make me laugh. He makes a good “office complex cohort”.
We had kindof an interesting dinner. Lots of carbs. lol Tamales (real ones, not Chef Boy R Dee), Refried Beans, and leftover spaghetti noodle which was turned into a cold noodle with vinaigrette. It may not look good, but it was.
So at bed time. I snuggled with doggies and held Roger by my side and hugged him. And Roger laid his head on my arm. I thanked God for my babies, and for their love, and their loyalty to me. I thanked Him for our blessings, and laid my heart out and prayed The Prayer.
This morning as I awoke, for the first time in many days, I did not think of COVID 19 first. I thought of what happened yesterday. Anger fired through my soul. I remembered then, that I had prayed the prayer and it was mine no more. The negative residue then began lifting and I realized it is just no longer mine to bare. Whatever happens from here is purely and spiritually defined by the hands of God. And we have to be ok with that.
So finally it is Saturday and while there is no where we will be going, I will be doing my normal Saturday stuff. I have no desire really to do much. This whole thing, as mentioned, has a tendency to suck the life out of you. All plans cancelled. Secretly, being an introvert, this is a chance of a lifetime to get to do what I want to do, read, write, do projects, clean, bake, the slate is open.
What are you doing with your Saturday?