I was Wrong. It Wasn’t the Estate Sale After All.

I guess it’s good that we don’t know how things will turn out, going into them. Sometimes being naive is a blessing, I guess, or you would never agree to do things you do.

I wasn’t going to blog today, but here I sit. I’m thinking about the recent events and how taxing and stressful they were. I’m thinking about how family, who is supposed to be the tribe of your people to have your back and have their support, is not always the ones who do.

I know we are talking about some who are possibly with the onset of dementia or losing reality, others have their own set of problems that want to make sure you definitely have a set of them too, but there’s really no reason to have had to go through what we have had to go through in the last few months/years.

As I type this, I realize the root of the problems we have had is NOT over just an estate sale. It’s people’s pride, anxieties, insecurities, and past bitterness. And yeah, now I own a few of my own created by these same people. I squash it down daily and realize…these people are not your tribe and possibly never really have been. Bottom line, if we are loved, we do not feel it, and if we are loved it is not shown. Sure there are dinners bought, a tank of gas at times, and it’s appreciated, but no love is felt. There is a void, a disconnect, and distraught-ness brought on by selfishness and quite frankly a “spoiled lot” of people. I can’t deny, I’m spoiled too, I’m selfish too. I’m not without sin.

But that said, there are a lot of people who ARE our tribe that love us unconditionally and not whether we bring them anything or have done anything for them lately.

I really came on here to blog about the truth about estate sales and then it suddenly went deeper. We learn to live our lives without certain parts of the family that only show up when they want something or only show love when you do something for them (if then).

I grieve a lot over having a defunct extended family. But honestly when you look back, there’s been defunct on both sides of the family for a long time – even in past generations. Jealousy, envy, bitterness over property, possessions, or won’t do their responsibilities while expecting other siblings do? It’s obviously not a new thing. It goes way back.

It is a fact that when you are in charge of an estate sale though, you will be found with fault, unless the person is dead that you are doing it for, and if you have any other family involved, unless you have an angelic family that “gets it”, you will be met with criticism, and likely shunned, especially if you follow the rules. I think God calls this persecution. So that is ok. It’s the way it goes in this sinful fallen world.

In this case we were expected to just know, or absorb by osmosis, what this person wanted to take to assisted living. Said person stayed quiet while movers moved things she pointed to on moving day. And a few things that I pried out of her for what she wanted to take as far as needs. Makeup and cosmetics and things had still been packed from a trip a week before which helped me determine what bathroom items she would like to take. Other than one suitcase, I had to guess on the clothes, by the size, as she had lost two sizes. I had to guess on everything else. And we had many surprises. And it’s been two months and every day she still asks for something. I’ve told her to quit asking because it’s all gone and too late now.

I hate that a whole house won’t fit into an assisted living apartment. But it just does not. I hate that she couldn’t have all of the things she loves with her. I hate that she wouldn’t tell us what she wanted to bring. I hate that she waited til the movers were gone only to ask us to bring over 20 more car loads, scarring our plans for the movers, and scarring my life forever, because I will never be able to forget the tiredness and weariness in my bones and the realization that this has been her plan all along – even though we told her we were too old and tired to move all this stuff. Our wishes were ignored. She had already told us she did not want the movers moving the things we moved.

I hate that she accuses me of not taking her back to the house after the move, when we DID. It’s not my fault she can’t remember. She’s blocking it out b/c that is where we had our big verbal argument for which I held her accountable and let her know I was on to her scheme. She cannot handle it, it’s too much for her. She has to deflect. She can’t accept self blame. It’s not how the narcissist works. It’s not my fault that she didn’t help or steer us as to what she wanted to take. It’s not my fault that people are the way they are. So I have to figure out how to help her knowing she is unlikely to change.

I will be ok one day. I just need to get it out of my system. It just hurts to do so much for one person, helping them more than I have ever helped anyone else in my life, only to be met with criticism and to be mad at us for not “getting it right” to her pleasure. And then there is the other family member over there, acting like they are the saint and doing nothing and pointing fingers at me like I’m the bad guy b/c she missed the boat and didn’t get her quilts because karma bit her butt and someone stole them. And she says it’s me. I didn’t want them. If I did I’d have already had them in my possession. They were under the estate sale ladies hands. I even offered to come get them before the sale, while this person was on vacation and couldn’t do it themselves, and had ignored our time frame given to her to get stuff out while she could since June 3, when Mom moved out. I would allow nothing out of the house until she left and had taken what she was going to take. (I didn’t know Mom would ask for 20 more car loads, and still asking).

The quilts are gone, I was wrongly accused. When time is no more and God’s mysteries are revealed, everyone will know and see everything. They will know how hard we worked to make things happen. They will see the quilts were not taken by me or my immediate family. And they will know who took them. And so will I. It will all be revealed to us all then.

When we were little kids, I had imagined that we would be close as we grew older. I was wrong. I thought life would be funny, lots of laughs, adventures, supporting one another. I was wrong. I thought we’d be taking care of our parents together, both of them as they got older. I was wrong. Daddy left too soon. A family member became too sad, angry, bitter, entitled, selfish, and hard to handle. So people scattered and left me holding the world with my hands, as they laughed all the way out. I thought we had it coming back together recently, and I was trying to forgive and forget and release. I was wrong. It didn’t come together, not for long. The true colors became exposed, love was not there, selfishness was.

So I was about to blame the estate sale. It’s not the estate sale’s fault. The roots go so much deeper. So deep that I don’t even know. All I know is that I get up every day and not only do my responsibilities, but do the things my Mom can’t do anymore. And I’m not bothered by that at all. Sure I’m bothered by the loss of time and having to juggle on some days, and I get bothered by the fact that she seems spoiled and seems to think she should have what she wants when she wants it, and I do try to please her most of the time. But I do have a life with George and a life of my own to live so she’s having to learn a little patience. Many days she does good with it. Assisted living is giving her more interaction with people and takes a little of the heat off with me.

I try to have a day or two a week where we don’t speak at all so that we both have a little time to ourselves and realize that we ARE NOT attached at the hip and WE DO have separate lives to live and I can’t be her right hand and set of eyes all day long.

I’m ok and I’m healing. But I do have one heck of a story. lol. I just need to write every now and then and pour out my heart. I’m trying to love my family, selfishness, spoiled nature, and all because I know that I have those traits too, but it sure would be nice if everyone could just be nice, or grateful, or loving, or supportive.

I mean God’s first command is to love Him and then to love others as the 2nd one.

Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonor others, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, rejoices in the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.

I’m not feeling love from this part of the family. Not at all really. And I’m even guilty of dishonoring others because I talk about it, fuss about it, and by writing it down, I am keeping a record of wrongs, and I have lost trust, and hope, and I no longer wish to preserve. So where one sins and drops bad apples, we learn from it, as we pick up those same apples and partake of it. It started with Eden and it doesn’t end here. And I’m honest and open about it so I share it to get it out of my skin and my soul. Thank goodness for our Savior who can make us clean and help us start over. Those who care to do so and to drink from the living water that makes us clean. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink?

I’m trying. I really am trying to love, and trying to forget, and trying to release. But I have to release it again every day. It’s mainly because I’m wanting a perfect world. I want everyone to comply, do what they are supposed to, and be responsible people. lol. That is why I went into HR, ha! I’ve correctly been accused of wanting to be in control. Yes, I DO want things to be perfect and I try hard to make them that way. Call it control if you will.

But I’m ok. I’ll keep trying. Every day I will release it and be grateful for the peace and joy that I do have in my life, and for the people who DO love me in my life, and love my efforts and truly understand that I am just trying my best to do each day the right way. I’m trying to honor my mother by meeting her needs and keeping her alive for as long as I can and in the right hands to care for her. I also realize that I have to set boundaries for my own peace and my immediate families peace. I will not tolerate ugliness, yelling, accusations in my presence, and these inappropriate behaviors and accusations mean fewer times these people will be allowed in my presence and that is just how I have to set boundaries to be able to tolerate handling things. I don’t want to be treated ugly and I don’t have to take it. Turning the other cheek to me, is getting the heck out of dodge.

So ok. I’m done. I’m off to have a good day now that I have parked my feelings and honesty here. I have a lot to do today. I didn’t intent to blog today, but apparently I needed to.

And I guess I’ll keep blogging til I don’t need to. lol