It’s Just ALL too much!

It’s really been a hard week. Despite my trying to make life be easy and perfect, it seems like everything I try to navigate has been hard, difficult, and frustrating.

I guess I’ll just back up and say what all is happening. It’s so much I’m not even sure I can accurately remember it all. I guess I will start with Sunday and work my way here to today. But today was the most upsetting of all.

Monday.

Monday we spent an hour and a half over at Mom’s new place to get her Xfinity (3rd Hallmark channel going). I had spent an hour the week before getting the account set up but apparently since I had a new person we had to go through all that again – 2 to 3 times actually because someone was confused I guess as to what was going on, but on the 3rd or 4th try the channel finally let her in. When I got home I had an email that Xfinity had removed the phone number from my personal account since I had signed up with another account using my phone number. We still have Xfinity internet and they didn’t cancel it but now when I call using my number they will think it’s for Mom’s account. This kind of things exasperates me. I try to make things easy on all of us and it always backfires.

This week’s Mom needs beside the channel, is that she needed her bras (I brought what I thought would fit but she had others that she said were at her house that fit better. ) I brought what was there. So I hope they work. She’s lost weight so she probably just needs to go with me and buy more. She said she wanted to be “fitted for it”. I had to break the news that no one does that anymore. lol She also wanted her BP machine so I found that. She also wanted more personal items so I ordered that enough for 90 days. She also wanted more hangers so I ordered a pack of 50 for $20 on Amazon. And now her current size is loose and she is considering the need to buy more pants, but hoping it was the just the pair she was wearing that was big. She is upset with the people she was eating lunch with and took it upon herself to move to another table. She said the people at her table had alzeimers and were saying the things over and over again and it was driving her crazy. She wanted more conversation than repeated statements. I guess that would be hard. Oh and she said she wanted Mousse and a comb with a pic on the end. So I ordered it from Amazon and it came in later but the nozzle was broken so I had to file a return with Amazon, but they won’t allow returns on the mousse but they issued a credit to her card and I will have to watch for that. And get her mousse at Walgreens.

She told me she may have to have me do her laundry. I told her I was not going to do her laundry. That we are not going to pay for assisted living for her to deny their assistance and their services. She said she heard that they are not returning some items, says some of the people she talks with. I told her I was not doing her laundry but if there was a problem we’d address it. Apparently they took off her laundry that was recently brought in folded, to be washed again. Mom asked me where it was. I told her I had no idea since I wasn’t there. I asked the nurse station and they didn’t know what happened but got it and took it back to her. Mom said that they told her she had to hang her clothes up so that doesn’t happen again. Mom said she didn’t have hangers for all her clothes. I told her everything had a hanger when we arrived b/c I personally hung it all up. She raised her voice so I would hear her “I don’t have hangers”. OK FINE how many do you want me to order? I said. I mean heavens to Betsy…I know what I went in there with but I’m not going to argue over hangers. She would argue over a toenail if you let her. I was already at my end with this conversation and about to bust into tears because I’m so tired of everything! I don’t want drama so ….OK I just have to act like she’s right and I’m wrong, lol.

It’s so sad but I’m having to go back to the narcissistic realm of thought because things go better being a grey rock than it does trying to be real and honest and be myself.

On Monday we realized my insurance for health effective July 1 was still just hanging out there sitting on a shelf. I can’t go into it here in case we have to resort to legal action but we thought everything was fine. We were trying to give it time to process. We started early in the month so we’d have it all worked out by month end, but…yeah not sure what happened but on Monday we found ourselves applying for insurance all over again. Our waiting had been in vain all month. Deja vu in that we had already done this application once and I’m not sure what happened but I felt insecure like something wasn’t right. But all we could do is wait.

Monday we also worked at Mom’s villa in the afternoon. I made some good progress pulling out memorabilia and getting through lots of boxes in the garage.

Monday I could tell that mine and George’s relationship is in a strain. We are getting on each other’s nerves. I know he’s tired of my family and the drama with the Mama. I’m tired of it and his didn’t always act that way so I know he is tired of it. That leaves me with no one to talk to. I don’t even like myself anymore and the person that I have become from all of these things. Everything it seems is going wrong. I believe in God and I know he is here through it all and He gives me peace but I sure wish He would step in and stop all the negative things that are going wrong. What lesson am I to learn? I’ve tried to hold my feelings in, I’ve tried to let them spew. Neither works. I am left feeling like I want to scream and cry at the same time and I am becoming mad at everyone. I think maybe again I need a therapist, but I’m about to lose my insurance so that is not in the cards and it would just be one more expense we didn’t need.

Part of the problem between us is that George knows I’m unhappy with this house and I’ve pointed out to him all the dangers of leaving the house going unfixed with all it’s issues and it’s just decaying into dust if we let it keep going. I told him we need to fix the ice maker, and the garage doors and the gutters. I’ve given up on the electric work and the kitchen fixes we wanted to do. Now we have a bathroom that can’t be used and a ceiling leaking in the bathroom (likely b/c of gutters). My moral is tanking in both living here and in trusting that we will be able to get these things fixed. So my trust in him is fading as well I guess, if I’m to put it bluntly. I feel like I’m sinking into the sea and on an island where the waves are trying to take me over at every angle. It starts to make you question if God is even on your side anymore. Or what on earth have I done wrong. Or maybe it’s just the universe throwing me curve balls and God is allowing it to sharpen my character. But I can’t get rid of the sad, mad, upset me that I wake up with every day. I don’t know what to do to fix it. I just want to leave and go be somewhere else, but that is not right either. I have to trust in God and I have to trust in George, but if I’m being honest, both is hard right now. I ask why me and then asked “why not me”? Everyone else has issues so WHY. NOT. ME?

I went to bed Monday night feeling alone and mad. But I still prayed desperately for God to fix it. All of it. And to be with me and not let me feel so alone in all of it.

Tuesday.

I had my Mammogram. And thank goodness it was on this insurance. So that is a relief. After that I had to go to Belk to find 3 white tops in mom’s size now, to go with all the print pants she has. I bought Liz Claiborne b/c they looked like they would last and were more sturdy. I also had to go to Walgreen’s to get mousse. Mom didn’t pack hers from the house. (Remember she didn’t help with anything, so I threw it away eventually as she couldn’t take everything in her bathroom and I didn’t know what of all of it she wanted so it got tossed out). Then later in the day we went to the movies to see Breadwinner and dinner at Demo’s with our discount coupon bucks. It was a welcome respite from the world, but a shadow was hanging over me as I knew how busy the rest of the week was going to be. I managed to get some of the video for YouTube done but finding myself behind on it b/c of all the time I spent on Mom’s situation.

Wednesday.

Maddie had a 9:30 appointment with the vet. I can’t remember which doctor it was but one of Mom’s doc was calling as I was trying to check in. I let it go to voicemail. This is getting to be too much honestly. I cannot get away and I cannot get a moment’s peace without Mom calling and wanting something or a doctor calling and wanting something. If it seems like I’m being mean, I am really not trying to be, I’m just exhausted. I can normally handle all of this crap but I’m overloaded trying to do her stuff in two places, handle her finances, handle her medical care, be her taxi, get her house ready for estate sale and house for sale, and then my insurance situation. Not only that but her HOA company changed and we had to set up a new account on line for that and set up a new vendor with her bank to pay it. On top of that her assisted living came out with a website rollout now for their residents and caregivers. It’s great but it was one more thing to enroll in and set up and her account has to be paid via auto pay so I was trying to set up the bank through that and it was being all finicky. I think it went through on the 3rd try. I accidentally locked myself out of her bank account while doing the third party authentication and hit the wrong button and had to get that fixed. And the pharmacy/health part of assisted living is through a third party (it’s actually one company for health and one for her pharmacy so two different companies) but the health one had a new system they wanted you to enroll in so I had to do that. I’m spending hours on line trying to get just basic things set up. It has all been like I’m doing a new FT job – just working for her, but I’m not getting paid here. lol

Thursday.

So Mom had an appointment with heart doc at 1:45 and we were supposed to go out to eat at Noon. I found out that my insurance was denied this morning and it sent me on a tail spin. I put my head in my hands and cried, loud sobs. It then occurred to me that was not going to do any good and that no one really cared but me, so I had to do something. I asked Chet (ChatGPT). He said to get on the marketplace, so I started the process. I spent about 3 hours working on it and it got stuck on my documents and verification and said it might take 7-10 days to get to the part where I could see if they verified my documents and then I could submit my application. But my insurance ends 6/30 and all this time has been wasted waiting on other people. I’ll have to explain later as I can’t talk about all of it right now in detail as we may have to use a lawyer. Chet said to call and talk to an agent. So I did that but it was stressing me out as I was trying to get ready while talking to them as I had to go get Mom. I never did even style my hair today. I texted Mom and told her what was going on and told her I should have just had her eat there instead of us going out as I was running out of time. She raised her voice and said “no because I need to eat out once in a while”. I said “oh my, I was just saying I didn’t want you to miss a meal b/c I almost didn’t get here in time to feed you. I told her we only had time for a drive through. It is about her though and no sympathy for what I have going on. I left the grey rock behind and said “you know sometimes people have things that come up and it might inconvenience you from time to time”. So I let it go. I didn’t want to start an argument. She wouldn’t win as I am already on the ledge. But I decided to just hold it all in and not talk the rest of the day. I truly felt limp and lifeless at that point. I both wanted to scream and just vaporize into thin air. I was thinking how tired I am of trying to make ANYTHING work like it’s supposed to. I have to jump through so many hoops everywhere.

So I came home today and had to upload a video after finishing it. I’ll deal with the details tomorrow. Mom had a prescription change today though and I had no idea how to tell the doc what her new pharmacy was. I didn’t have the info with me and I was certainly not going to try to log in to their new website in the doc office so I said “all I know is her assisted living handles it and here’s who her assisted living”. They gave me the document to give to assisted living but after I took Mom back, dropped her off, got her walker out, signed her back into assisted living, gave her the bras and blood pressure machine she asked for – I totally forgot. And anyway they had no parking in front and it was hot as hades (90 is hades in my opinion).

Oh George had the garage door guy here today and it’s going to be $4800 for the parts. But I’m having to park outside the garage as he has to open the garage door as it is too heavy for me. And then I have to fight with the key to get the back door open b/c it sticks.

I’m literally feeling like I am about to go crazy. I look on line at plane tickets and dream about flying to anywhere. A one way ticket feels nice, but that is not something I would ever do, but I need a vacation and I think I’m going to have to have a few days away. I can’t stand the chaos anymore.

Then I get back to why me, and then why not me? I’m really having an issue regulating my feelings right now and trying not to be mad at the world and finding peace. I don’t feel I have an outlet. I’m putting it all here and then some wise crack will come along and say what a wimp I am but let them. All it means it they are a wimp themselves and all judgmental and I’m sure their life is no better.

I honestly need someone to take care of me and love on me. I’m exhausted, feel so alone, and honestly need some relief. I am so tired. And if that makes me a wimp then I’m just a big wimp. Enough. I need some peace. And I would really like it if something went right for once.

My nervous system is on overload. And I can’t seem to fix it. I’m busy tomorrow but Saturday I’ll be at home and maybe Sunday too if I don’t get enough rest to be able to have some calm down time where I’m not fighting with something or someone.

The good news is that I’m almost finished going through Mom’s house. I think we will knock it out soon and call the estate people and get that rolling. Then I can get some time back in my schedule and that will help me deal with things. I can do my proper devotionals again, can do my exercise, and I can have my planning sessions and my proper times out between outings. I will also talk to George about figuring out some type of vacation for me even if only 3 to 4 days. I need to get away. I don’t want to spend a lot of money but I could use a nice getaway somehow. I am becoming a mad mean defeated bitter person and I don’t like it.