Maddie says “good morning” in her very dazed-but-coming-around-state. She is now “fixed” and “chipped”. She was really out of it yesterday when we picked her up. We had a little scare early in the day when I found blood in the bed where she lays. I thought she was in heat. But they said she was not swollen or anything and so they did the surgery.
I had a huge workload/backload of work to do. I had been gone on Wednesday for part of the day to take Mom to get her glasses. When we go over there to Hermitage from Lebanon, and I have to come from Antioch to go get her—it just takes a chunk of the day. So we got her glasses and then went to Walgreen’s so she could get some beauty supplies and then went to Oscar’s Tacos with George. She wanted to buy dinner for his birthday, which was nice. Then we took her home.
So while I did the workload, I got my mind off of Maddie for a little bit. Not really, but at least I didn’t have time to worry. And then around Noon when I hadn’t heard anything I wanted to call. I decided to wait til 1:00. I made it to 12:57. lol. They said she was in surgery then. And they called me back mid afternoon to say she was fine and waking up and would be ready to go by 5:00. George and I met over there to get her.
I played nurse overnight. I went to bed early because I knew it was going to happen. Right as laid my head down, Mom called. She asked what I was doing. I told her I was in bed. She began telling me that she was going to get a dog and she knew where she would get it and that it would not involve us having to care for it (vets/grooming). She said she would have to check but that the senior center would take it for grooming and vet appointments. I told her she was still living independently (well, that could be argued as she cannot drive and we take her everywhere she needs to go and keep her stocked in groceries). I told her that as far as George and I were concerned we just could not take on any additional responsibilities for the care of another dog.
Of course this is the night before I’m about to go to my doc appointment and tell my doctor to find out why my muscles are degenerating and giving him a 3 page list of weird things that has been going on with me and my body. I used to be able to maintain my health and well being with nutrition, food, and rest. Now it’s getting away from me and I’m struggling. Do I really have to explain to my mom that I am exhausted and I can’t take on any more? Reading her the list was probably a mistake. Did she hear what I said? Obviously not.
I know she wants a dog but it’s not a wise decision to get one. It’s just going to cause more pandemonium on her part which will find its way over to us. Mom doesn’t feel like doing things and it shows. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I have seen what I have seen. She cannot see to care for another dog and she can’t do it very well or clean up after it well. Or to see when the water bowl is empty. She is forgetting more and more and I don’t think it is wise. I also think that assisted living is happening before long and then there you go, another dog to deal with.
Can my Mom be strong enough of a woman to see this? Or is she going to be weak emotionally and stubborn and continue toward getting a dog? What do you think? I know what I think.
I’m trying to do what I can to be able to maintain my own care as well as Mom’s. I don’t even know how long my own body is going to be able to function much less care for another human and a dog. I’m just doing the best I can to hold on to retirement and function as long as I can. These last three weeks have been very difficult. I’m not getting rest and my muscles are giving out.
I just really couldn’t respond much to this conversation last night. But I told her I just couldn’t support another dog right now and that I didn’t think it was a wise decision. I can’t even guarantee I’m going to be able to continue taking care of her. I have to see what is going on. She kept talking and I was about to say “I need to go” but we got off. So I didn’t really get to go to sleep as early as wanted. I had taken my phone off “do not disturb” but I’m going to have to put it back on for bed time so that I can function the next day. We will have to have our conversations around dinner time.
I don’t know what will happen today. But I’ve held a lot back on symptoms through the years because they never seemed “significant”. But I do have some significant issues right now that seem to be 10 to 20 years in advance of what should be for my age. When I was younger it didn’t matter so much, I just accepted it. He started to test me for MS and we waited because nothing was significant and I was dealing with my health ok except for pre diabetes. They wanted to treat me for Fibromyalgia before that and George poo-poo’d the meds and discouraged me from accepting that as a diagnosis. I’ve been able to feel better with nutrition and sleep. Until now. I can’t get the rest it seems. I try to get time at home but we are going going going all the time. Life’s stressors keep getting thrown. I am so incredibly tired and spent.
This is one of those situations where you feel bad and people don’t realize just how bad you feel. The silent situation. You look fine. People think you are crazy or wanting attention so you push past it. Oh you again and your pain and tiredness and woe is me.
I know what I feel like. It doesn’t really matter what I think. Mom gives me a hard time about my having to go potty often. Like why even say it. She says it about once a week “you must have a small bladder”. So what? I don’t go every week and say “you have to wear depends!” lol. I mean really? It’s like she wants to make me feel bad or something. I don’t make her feel bad for her bodily issues. This confuses me. I guess it inconveniences her that it makes her have to wait til I get through with the restroom or something. So she wants to mention it so I won’t go as much? I don’t know. Like I say I get confused as to why people say and do what they do. So be it. Nothing is going to change. There is a problem with muscles all over – there too! ha.
Ok over and out. More tomorrow and I’ll let you know what the doc says. Maybe I just need more sleep, or maybe they will run tests, or what. I don’t know. But I’m not holding back the symptom list anymore. The TMJ, the headaches, the periodic swallowing issues and weak muscles and dizziness/inner ear balance issues are the main big concerning ones. Things like buzzing in my right foot, pain that comes and goes, etc are not as big of a deal. Infrequent and easy to deal with.
Pray for me in all respects. I’m just tired. And something is not right.