George’s Butter Noodles / When is Enough, Enough?

George made the best noodles for dinner last night – just throwing a few things together. Lots of layers of flavor. We did some slurpies for dinner! My little Roo would have been proud of us. It was great comfort food too.

The week has been a bit stressful trying to get quarter end taken care of and having a row with Mom who is demanding to have more of my Saturday’s (we already have Sunday’s and often I miss work for her). It’s exasperating trying to explain that I have to have a day at home. My hands are up in the air. I give up. She will just have to go along not getting it. She can have Sundays and some of the other days, but I need a day to sleep, do laundry, get my household in order as much as a I can. I work my hobbies in around that. And I don’t get enough sleep.

Regardless of whether she understands or not, I have to have time to take care of my household, my spouse and me. And we still have to work for a while. If she can’t get it, then she can’t get it. She said her friends were calling her asking her why I needed to have time to myself. Really? lol. I told her it didn’t matter what anyone thought. It was a fact and I get to decide if I want to take care of my family and household. They have no monkeys in my circus. I’ve chosen to be there for myself and my family. If that is not acceptable to her then it sounds like assisted living is her best option if she needs more care. And as for the old bitty snooping friends – get a life? My guess is that whoever these people are, didn’t work FT for very long in their life. Mom hasn’t either for most of her life. It’s hard for her to understand a FT job and a commute.

Another dog or not?

She also brought up the fact that she wanted another dog. I asked to wisely consider what is best for her, the dog, and any third parties that she will need to have take her to the vet or appointments. I told her she would need some back ups as we may not be able to do that continually. That is when she brought up wanting me to do more on Saturday’s. When I addressed her concerns and it was my turn to talk, she hung up on me. My thoughts, feelings, opinions don’t matter to her. Of course she will say the same about me, being the “victim and all”. There is never any wrong doing on her side. lol

She posted on Facebook that it is her right to have a dog, (insinuating I won’t let her have one). She is independent (well lol sort of – one could argue that). So yes, it’s her right but she’ll need someone to help get places with it. I’m just not signing on for its care. I don’t support the idea and it impacts me. So yes, she does have a right to get a dog, but not a right to require me to are for it. Neither George nor I support another dog. For several reasons based on what we saw with Fancy. She just cannot see and can barely take care of her self. It would eventually fall on me to care for the dog and come to the rescue at every beck and call. Which I may or may not be able to do.

Same Song and Dance

She said she felt like a burden. She said she wished she had never moved here and began the song and dance of conversations held every 6 to 8 weeks when something does not go to suit. I told her I was doing my best working full time and when we have these arguments continually it most definitely is a burden to me. lol. I was honest. That is all I know to be. It’s true, it’s a burden when she treats me as she does sometimes.

When is Enough, Enough?

I told George that I had to consider at what point I may wish to complete remove myself from Mom’s care from a self-care stand point. For both of our sakes. While I have improved my ability to be able to accept that we will never have a normal mother-daughter relationship (and no I don’t care who reads or if she reads or not). I will welcome additional conversation over it. Just ask me. I will give you an ear full! But things have never been right since I was a child. Period. And same with my sister. It is what it is. She pushes us away. She pushes buttons but instead of getting her way, she ruins relationships.

I’ve considered a “3 more arguments” rule – in other words 3 strikes and it’s over. I didn’t cry this time and even though the row was an aggravation I was proud of myself for standing up for myself and then not allowing her to control me or my emotions after it. My emotions remain my own. My nerves are not totally shot this time and I’m able to function, whereas times in the past it’s completely immobilized me into tears and anger for days, lapsing into frustration at feeling that I’m never understood, not cared about, and quite frankly not loved by a parent except for when I am doing something for her. I am becoming quite used to it and quite numb. As I type this, I remember going into school in a complete melt down one day as Mom had bowled me over in some row back then in high school. I was so glad to finally leave for college. I never really considered that I would be subject to all this again in my life. But here we are. At least I can distance myself from it some.

However, one still has to decide at what point is enough? How much “you don’t ever do anything for me” can you put up with, as my life has totally been in upheaval with her care and outbursts the last two years? How much verbal abuse can one stand up to?

I keep trying to be steadfast to see her care through but she pushes us away just when you think things are going well and you try to get closer. My sister long gone with this scenario. She says she cannot do it. However, my sister has agreed to see her this Friday, if Mom has not messed that up by her recent argument with me. I told her I was not sure we’d be there Friday as Mom hung up on me Monday which means she doesn’t want to talk to me much less be around me.

So I’m just going to go ahead and put this out there as I’m sure most people know by now. My sister has cancer and is undergoing treatments. We think she has excellent chances of pulling through and being cured, but it will be very painful. So there is much more important things at hand than what day Mom gets to do her things or whether she gets a dog or not.

But yes, I’m tired of the continual rows which are the same conversations over and over again like a broken record. I never do anything like she wants. I’m just a selfish awful person.

God’s Steadfast Love

God gave me a cross yesterday when I decided to go grab a bite for lunch. He is reminding me with His signs that He is here and to endure and keep the faith and continue in love and to keep doing what I’m doing.

Mom says she is going to outlive all of us, when talking about the dog. I said I hope she does, knowing that the stress we are under working FT and dealing with everything else, we are likely to stroke out and have heart attacks any moment, so there you go. At what point is it enough?

Last night Mom called thinking it was Thursday night. She is losing track of her days. She wanted to know what time I was picking her up today. I’m not. We don’t go anywhere until Friday. (Make note that I never do anything for her, but I’m taking a PTO on Friday to take her to close her lock box in Columbia and eat with her friends and see her other daughter.)

Oh Let me Count the Ways if You Cannot!

I think I will count up all the doc appointments and meals out and shopping adventures, grooming adventures and start blasting Facebook with it so her snoopy friends who are asking what is going on and herself can get a whiff of just how much time is spent toward her care. Because the word is out I don’t do anything for her according to Mom.

Yes, I’m tired of it all. It’s just very tiring and exhausting. Not the doing of it as much as the “I want most of your time, not just some of it” continues.

She called also wanting my Columbia Academy cookbook saying it was hers. No it’s the one I’ve had since my twenties. George has offered to bring more copy boxes of books and other packed away items in to her but she says she is done unpacking. It’s probably in her garage. I guess she wants us to toggle through about 30 boxes to find it. We can try when spare time comes about. (When is that?) Or he can bring in two to three boxes for her and let her look through them. But she wants it all done for her. lol. We just don’t have the luxury of time to be by her side 24 x 7 to hand her everything. That is not going to happen.

Ok I’ve spoken my heart. That is where we are today.

But praise the Lord for blessings. Quarter end is over, but month end has arrived! Today is my Friday, but tomorrow I will spend all day with Mom taking her to close the lock box, eat lunch with her friends, and see her other daughter.

Why? Because…..of course…I do NOTHING for her.

12 responses to “George’s Butter Noodles / When is Enough, Enough?”

  1. Hi Sonya, earlier getting read today. Hope once you’d written everything today you felt a little better. Looking after ungrateful parents…indeed anybody… not easy. I know the Bible indicates that we should but it’s not easy ….I know I have mostly dropped a friend who visited me EVERY day and had coffee biscuits etc..this has gone on for almost 8 years and I have never once been invited to her house. She was in hospital after a bad fall. I messaged her every day and she wrote me giving me all her complaints about the dreadful care she was having suggested that I keep all these messages so she could write to hospital to complain. Anyway I offered to go visit often and often each time there was a reason…excuse….why I coudnt go. Longer story….but once home I called along to say I’d pop along again no she was expecting a career..ok see you tomorrow, a short time 30 mins she appeared at the door with two friends I was surprised but said oh come on in ,your friends can come as well, but I thought you were having a carer come in ….at that she kind of blustered and said oh no my friends were just bringing me along to see if I could manage…ok. I said I will pop along tomorrow….oh no my house is so full of stuff like my walker extra chair etc..So I again said ok came in and was furious to think she had again said no yet others had been invited in…So after some thought I wrote to her and told her I thought it best if she stayed in her own house. You should have read her aggrieved reply. I was a terrible friend etc etc to have treated ..her..that way. I had counted back and saw I had said I would visit 21 times during her hospital and care home times…
    So I like you know how hard it is and I cried every time I thought of what I’d done…but I took it to God in the end and said how sorry I was…I felt peace as it came to me I could still be friendly but having made non visiting rules I’ve stuck to them and feel ok now…..but it’s hard love. How you go on with Mum is going to be hard. Do you think her friends have really said that you are uncaring ? I think it’s what Mum thinks they think so says that’s what they think !! Please love take care of yourself and George first whatever she might say. I’ve no doubt she would have put your Dad before anybody who may have needed her attention. This has gone on far to long wish I’d had you e address it would have been better to write all this there…but hope it’s ok..
    Take care….God Bless. Xxx

    • No it’s fine. I just have to say “lucky me” and go on. I suppose that there should have someone long before me step in and address certain “issues” from a mental standpoint but I think everyone was afraid to. I’m just the “last man standing”!

  2. Not to ruffle any feathers but if Fancy hadn’t died were you doing Saturday’s about once a month for dog grooming and out to eat? She probably misses that along with her dog. I do understand your concern about another dog, as especially people do decline at her age (I’m 70 and also going downhill!) but I had heard of needs for senior dog adoption (although I understand you’re not for this). Sorry about your sister and hopefully things go very well. My SIL went through a year of stage three colon cancer including 2 surgeries, chemo, radiation and a temporary colostomy but his one year checkup was just clear. Just also to put things into perspective I’m from a family of 5 girls, have 4 kids ( 2 girls ), 13 grandchildren with now 5 teen girls and everyone of us went to school multiple times after horrible rows with our mother (not at all a pleasant experience but common ha!) not to undermine your other experiences with your mom. I’m just going to add that in today’s job market if you don’t have a specific pension plan etc at your current employer I’d be actively looking/applying for work from home positions or pushing it more from your current employer for at least partial wfh and getting whatever you need to do it.

    • I told her we will still do Saturday’s out about once a month to six weeks. We discussed going later in the day. So that won’t change. This week we are going out Friday and I took a PTO out. So that will be our August outing.

      I’m hoping to retire soon. Mid 2025 likely. We are looking into that now. I really don’t want to stroke out! I also don’t want the stress of learning a new job in my last year of work, which is stressful for me.

      Then I won’t be eligible for FMLA if I need it with Mom. You have to be employed a year. Otherwise I might I have already done the work from home employment thing. A lot to consider.

      Work isn’t too stressful unless it’s quarter end and I’m learning to go with the flow (late info=late processing).

      Thanks 😊

  3. Thanks for being so honest. I have dealt with many of the same issues. And my mother’s way of dealing with anyone that dares to question her “truth” is to hang up on them. So hard to manage after a lifetime of such abuse.

  4. I am sorry about your sister. Try not to stress too much. It is hard on your heart and mental health. I just lost a cousin to colon cancer who was the same age as me. Three of my childhood friends died from brain cancer. It really makes one stop and think..
    Life is so very short. We need to make the most of every single day.
    You take care of yourself first. Or you will not be able to help anyone else if you are down and sick.

  5. Didn’t you just pay over $100 for an Electronic Dog for her? I’m sorry that won’t suffice. You can still walk them on a leash too and there is no Grooming or Clean Up.

  6. Sonya, I have experienced these difficult relationships and can see both sides. I must say, though, that your mom is coming across as so incredibly selfish and ungrateful. You guys do more than enough for her. Sorry to hear about your sister’s illness.

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