Ahhhhh, it’s been a tough week in my head. I’ve been back and forth. One day I’m ready to quit the videos. The next day I’m holding on to them appalled at myself for thinking of giving them up, or even taking a break (taking a break kills the consistency in which the algorithm works).
I’ve even been torn between the decisions in the same day. Yesterday I was going to take a break and decide down the road and came home and video’d the video informing any viewers of that. I watched it back and realized how well I explain things that I’m passionate about. I took note of how dismayed I was. I realized then it was akin to “giving your pet away” or “trying to take a break from a beloved pet”. It’s that heart wrenching for me. I’ve worked so hard on this for over two years now.
I watched a video about new channels, begging them not to quit. I did not sleep well last night with these thoughts going back and forth in my head, and me trying to forget them. I woke up wanting to hold on to my channel and hopes of growing it. As the day wore on, I came home and the thought of having to make a thumbnail and sit down at my computer to work on the video turned me off. Well that’s not right. I’ve not slept well, I realize, and I’m tired from the day.
But if I were further into having a successful channel, the pressure would be even greater. I nixed the video temporarily and vacuumed my house. Got that done! Shedding dog hair now in the bag, allergies thankful, and then I did the thumbnail and got this Saturday’s video going. And right now, the thought of quitting is looking pretty good.
At first the thought of giving it up turned my stomach. Today it’s looking pretty bright to give it up.
I’m at least beginning to become more clearheaded, with God’s help about the pros and cons, the risks, the upsides, and the downsides. (Thank you, Lord.)
To be honest, I’ve not felt great lately – just tired a lot. My thinking and ideas are leaving me. I don’t really have time to think and plan much unless it’s in the car. I’m always just “doing the next thing”. Being spread so thin squashed the ability to be effective and creative. My spirit is just tired. I want to be a happy tired when I go to bed at night. I don’t want to be a worried tired, anxious tired, or a mad tired, or a frustrated tired.
But I do realize this is a big decision for me as I toss it all about. I need to give my head some time and space to think it all over. The fact that I’m wavering every other day or every few hours, tells me it is not time to make the decision just yet.
I’ve set a date of April 1. This gives me time and space. That way I can keep testing my feelings and I’ll be on vacation for several days in March, and it will give me some time there to decide.
If I had to make a decision right now, the answer would be to give it up entirely and let the rest of my life fill in the hole – crosswords, puzzles, cleaning, dinner with Mom, fixing dinner and cooking more, organizing things, blogging more. More time to plan, more time to watch TV, more time to go shopping.
I know I keep repeating myself in these back to back indecisive blog posts. But you see it’s just a hard decision and I have to keep rolling it around. I’m trying to make sure I’m not making a decision because I’m just tired or going through SAD (seasonal thing). Because honestly I haven’t been in the mood to do much of anything. I’m not full on depressed, but I’m not happy either.
Learning How to Laugh Again
I’m so intense, that it is hard to laugh. I used to laugh and look for things to be funny. I don’t know where I lost it. But I lost it in a stack of anxiety, fear, stress, and trauma over the years. Quite honestly nothing seemed funny anymore. I’ve listened to some podcasts on that recently and it’s something you have to rewire your brain to do again, little by little. So I’ll be watching shows and trying to find some funny things. I’m usually pretty content when I’m not frustrated with “time” and having to race against the clock. But laughing is something that is hard to come by. Dexter makes me laugh. He is good for my soul. It frustrates George that he can’t make me laugh anymore. I think it’s just that my head is always somewhere else, but I’m trying. I think I have laughed or snickered a bit more lately. I just really don’t laugh at or with anyone quite honestly. And that is really sad. And I’m just flat spent and wore out.
So the date is set for April 1. For sure I have this Saturday and next Saturday’s videos that will going up.
It remains to be seen whether I will video anything the Saturday for the 3rd Saturday out. Channel mainly runs 2 weeks behind. I don’t know if I’ll be doing anything interesting enough to share, which would have to be video’d this Saturday. We’ll see how I feel on Saturday but there’s at least going to be 3 more videos – the third one right now being the “I’m taking a break until April 1” video. And that may be the one that airs. We’ll see.
Well, if I decide not to do the videos, it sure will free up some time, lol. I am sure I will fill it well. So far I think God wants me to quit because I feel like He would have “blessed it more” if He were for me doing this.
Now you watch, if I post the “thinking about quitting my channel video” and it goes viral then I’ll be going nutzoid, lol, and then not wanting to quit, lol. I think it’s safe. I don’t think it’s going to go viral (lol) but it might catch some attention of those like me that are going through the same thing.
Year End Processing is Almost Over
Well the w-2’s have been entered for the last state. I have to balance it up though and make sure I entered all of them. I think it didn’t take a couple of them and have to make sure my withholding state earnings and withholding deductions total up to what it is supposed to be. If not I’ll have to find my data entry errors.
Once that is over and done (hopefully tomorrow), I can then do MONTH END for February and then I can get ready for the next quarter end and catch up on a few things. So that is a relief.
I’m realizing retirement is not that far down the road. When I think of 2020 – the year the virus started, that seemed like yesterday and we are already at 2023. That was a blink of an eye. So in a blink of an eye, it’ll be time for me to retire. I might be willing to work PT though, especially if it is at home. Might even be willing to do a reduction to 30 hours to keep insurance, and still get some time back, but we’ll see.
Anyway, April 1st – I started to make it April 2 b/c April 1 is a joke day. lol. But who cares. April 1 is the day I will make my decision. I might not announce it til the 2nd of April though b/c that way people won’t think it’s a joke, but who really cares anyway.
Ok over and out for the night. Hope your week is going well.
Tomorrow is Friday and I’m so glad. I hope I sleep well tonight!