It’s another blog day again. I sit unsure of what to type. This has not been a problem much before. I am just tired and perhaps at the tail end or tail spin of depression. The end of the week and many things to do. Hamster on a wheel. I’m starting to feel for the first time in a long time that I am not excited to blog anymore. I want to just go back to back and sleep. And I am starting to not care about anything anymore. I just get up and go and do the day all over again. I’m teetering between “I think I can” and “I don’t want to” and “Ok let’s try again”.
I’m struggling to find the joy that the Activating Joy book is telling me to find. It is helping though. The hope is there of sunnier and happier days ahead. And I do find joy and smiles and contentment in my day with nature literally at my door. God knows how I love the wildlife and nature, clouds, weather, and all sorts of things that he created. I’m convinced that God sent this turkey to our front office door to greet me at days end purely to amaze me.
And I am getting *some* things done and making progress on the things during the week that I do over and over again. The laundry is done as it is time to start it over again, progress is made on month end/quarter end as it is quarter end time again, caught up from the two days I was off last week as the work was waiting for me in my return. I was able to ignore the blog yesterday and work on clearing and organizing some files on my computer and look ahead to the makings of the next few videos. There’s some fun ones coming. So that made me temporarily happy and it felt like me again.
We’ve tried to eat healthier this week on all fronts. At least that made me feel good.
We’ve had salads and baked chicken and roasted veggies. And we don’t like cauliflower but have found we love it roasted, having been shaken in a bag of olive and seasonings first. Another win.
I’ve ordered Little Roo some summer clothes – shorts, tops, a bathing suit set complete with shirt and hat, and another beach ensemble that had shorts, shirt, and a windbreaker type jacket – and a Mickey Mouse shirt b/c he loves Mickey! That made me happy as he’s going up in sizes and I want to help.
We have been watching Yellowstone while we eat this week, mostly. Or Good Girls. And we finished off the 4th season of Yellowstone. That made me happy to sit and let my mind go off to someone else’s story. Sleep has been good although not long as body is wanting. But enough to get me through til the next time for coffee.
I’ve made appointments for myself, one for Rx refill and another for a hair cut. I’ve finally decided to get the hair cut into layers. This makes me happy. It’s getting thick at the bottom of this bob cut I have and the layers are growing out and it just needs some revival. I thought about cutting it on my own and maybe I will one day while it is this length but I was afraid I would be mad at myself if I messed it up. I’m used to trimming it when it’s shorter. Layering the back has been hard for me to do. I’m changing hair stylists in an effort to avoid the hair stylist remembering my old cut and trying to do that again. It’s time for something new with no one having seen my previous cut. I’m taking a chance on someone I don’t know and it’s probably the one who has the clearest schedule of availability and the least experienced, but at least it will be more than my own, lol. It is a nice salon though with a good reputation. And I might open myself up for another type of spa day there as it is also a spa. I’ll check the prices. Might save up blow money for a facial or a massage at quarter end.
And then there is the rest of the story.
We offered to take Mom out Wednesday night but she cancelled. She had wanted to get out of the house when we talked on Monday night. We had just gotten back from our trip and had not even unpacked bags. I told her that we could do it Wednesday as that would give me time to get our clothes washed and we needed to figure something out. We almost need a third party to come take her to do things too. We work all week and had traveled to see other family in Hot Springs and then when we got back Mom was raring to go out and we were ready to be home, and didn’t even have a stitch of clean underwear to our name, lol. So we offered for Wednesday. But sometime Monday she cancelled and said not to come get her to eat but to let her know what time I’d be there Friday (today). I didn’t call her back and beg to still go. I’m too old and tired to play those games anymore. I just accepted it. I just have to take people’s word at face value. She said she knew we were tired. So I said fine. I hope she was being nice and considerate of our schedule and that it wasn’t a dramatic move. If genuine, it was much appreciated. But I can’t read minds so I have no idea.
We just don’t have a good situation and need some help because we can’t give all the free time we have toward all of her desires. We can keep her in with what she needs but after a year of all we have been through giving up 80 to near 100% of spare time we are just needing to get some of our own lives back. We have pretty much lost all our friends and unable to do many of our hobbies. No one much hangs with us anymore as we’ve been too busy for them, between Covid and this move and all that surrounds it – the settling in just never ends at Mom’s place. I want to help but what I don’t want to do is lose myself entirely. And that, quite frankly, is what is happening. I’m losing and drowning in life’s responsibilities and losing my own identity in the process. I find myself sitting in a heap asking, who am I, why am I here, what good is this? It’s only by the grace of God and holding on to His hemline that I have any sanity left. Other than this blog and occasional social media posts – is the only thing that really gets me off the hamster wheel checking off boxes. It’s our hobbies and goals that seem to define who we are and I’ve been begging God to help me align His will and my gifts/talents. But so far He has me on this darn hamster wheel. So I have to have faith, but it might not be without complaining. lol. It’s not really anyone’s fault it is just the situation.
It’s what my life has come down to – just a check off of boxes. But if I don’t list them to be checked off, it will not be done as there is a fight over the varying set of boxes and which one will be done at any given time. The work check list, the order/shopping check list, Mom’s check list, George’s check list, the household chore check list, the daily personal to do list, the 2022 goal list, the bucket check list, the video work check list, the cooking new recipe checklist, and what I’ve not done is have a relax checklist. lol. Well I have work a puzzle, work at personal goals on the list and read books, but maybe the relax list needs to grow. It just all fights for time. Oh and then there is my own needs check list, lol. Can’t forget that. I’m trying to work on it all and it’s frustrating as it is not happening fast enough for any of us.
I’m trying to be happy and content at whatever box or list I’m checking off and it’s getting better. Over time. But while time was always an issue before, it’s really a juggle now. And all this is to say, that the struggle continues but especially when we have had some travel or finally gotten time out. Everything seems to unravel just before we go or after we get back. It’s all in somewhat control but I can feel that all of us are frustrated. Every single one of us.
So today Mom has a doc appointment. I will take off work about 11:30 and go from Antioch to Lebanon and take her to Hendersonville and then back to Lebanon and then back home again. I will take her out to eat if she wants. Tomorrow is Fancy dogs trim and she will want to go to breakfast, the bank, look at furniture, go to the AT&T store and get groceries and we’ll probably eat again at some point for lunch as all that will take a while. Then Sunday George has informed me he wants a hair cut. I will do our weeks worth of laundry, change sheets, vacuum and mop the dirty floors, and then somewhere in the afternoon I have a set of goals that I would like to achieve before starting the work week ALL OVER again in which is quarter end – again.
Next week is a wild one. We have an event almost every night. And the following weekend I think we will begin taking Mom to church if she wants to go on Sunday. If not, I will like to go anyway. I miss our friends and I need personal contact other than our little triangle of myself, George, and Mom. I need to feel like there is life out there. Is there life out there? Let me know, lol!
George is feeling the pinch of our lives as well. He has informed me he will have to “check out” of doing a lot of things because of the yard work about to come on. He said he’s missed yard sales for the past two years and he’s getting his Saturday mornings back very soon. I’d like to go too to find River some things but that just adds more to my schedule, but we’ll see. Maybe a couple of times I can go.
We are all ok. I think we are all looking forward to warmer days and still hold on to hope! I think we all feel the pinch most when we steal away and take a trip somewhere. Mom is feeling her own pinches. She is having to sit there and wait on us as she can’t do for herself what she once could do. She is wanting new den furniture, outside patio and table, outside shades for the patio, a redo of shelving in her laundry room, and someone to help her go through all the boxes in the garage and get rid of things. Those are the things it’s hard to get to. We get her to the store, take her out some, get her to doc appts, the bank, dog trims. Get her orders done for her via Amazon, etc. But we hardly have time to get our own shopping done. George has been trying to put our extra Nest Cams up since Christmas. So finally tomorrow we will go furniture shopping again for Mom – George is excusing himself after a bit and won’t be with us all day. But I think she’ll have to hire someone to redo her shelving and hang shades. George has announced he will be working on the yard -it’s a big one, getting some of our projects done that were put off the past year, and doing some things he personally wants to do. He’s reclaiming some time after putting things off for a year.
We are still very much in adjustment mode with the time juggling and keeping everyone satisfied but like I say, it rears it’s ugly head the most when we have been gone b/c Mom has sat there for longer without anyone doing anything for her – even though she has what she needs – she gets bored waiting. We have opposite problems. She’s bored and want things fixed right now and we are busy and can only get to it when we can after working FT with not short commutes, and have been ignoring a lot on our own home front. So somehow we will have to find some third parties to help keep her satisfied and us satisfied. At any given time, you can guarantee it that at least one of us is upset because we haven’t had enough time to do something. Or perhaps all of us. It’s a game none of us are successful at figuring out. And the problem is we are ALL driven by our own WILLS and LISTS – whether written or in our minds – we ALL want want what want when we want it and it can’t ALL BE DONE at once. While there used to be three of us that could do three people’s things, there are two and it’s hard to absorb the extra duties as everyone wishes. There just ain’t the time!
So I should be typing “Yay it’s Friday”, but these days – enhhhh, it’s just another day. We will set the alarms and get up early and get at the day tomorrow – not much down time. Sunday, I’ll probably need to get up early again to get my own grand list of things done because to sleep in I’ll only be mad for missing out on the time to do some of my stuff.
But before you judge me on complaining again about missing time to be me or to be ourselves, you and I both need to remember, I am doing my God given job to take care of my Mom’s needs. She may not have all of her desires met at every whim (I’m not sure any of us could do that, lol) and there’s less of us to help. But we are doing it and I don’t mind doing it in itself as long as everyone is playing nice. I want to make that very clear. What I do mind is giving up 60 to 80 percent of my free time, or to deal with anyone being demanding with my time. And I do need to find a way somehow to get more done around here and to feel like I’m my own person. And that is what I’m going through right now. I just work, commute and the commute for whatever reason has gone from 37 minutes to almost an hour now. So I am gone nearly 12 hours a day and when I give up over half my weekend, it really hampers things as the weekends is pretty much all we have as far as productivity time, social time, rest time, shopping time, errand time. It all tries to happen at once we are not getting the down time and if we do we pay for it dearly afterwards or before hand.
I could have just not blogged today but this is what is on my mind so I did. You all said you liked it when I just blogged my heart out. So this is it. Life could be worse, I get it. So I will do as the first photo said. Here it is again. It’s all good. We’ll be ok. I DO have some contentment within me, but I DO very much have the longing to do some things I really want to do. And now I need to find out why a helicopter is hovering? Is there someone we need to be locking our doors from? lol Ok my Big Girl Panties are up now and clean too! At least there is hope of clean underwear! What more could we ask? I won’t answer that.