Anger, Resilience, Determination and First Day of Starting New Habits

It is Friday morning here just before 6:00 a.m. And I’m glad for a small break of a weekend if you can call it that. It’s been a busy and wooly week. By that I mean stressful. And I mean in nearly every aspect. It’s month end/quarter end at work and issues are never ending at home.

I can sit there with an average to moderately perfect work load for 6 weeks with things rolling along like silk but let it be quarter end, and that is when everything has to happen at once it seems . For example this quarter end: new garnishments arrive, employee’s suddenly need 12 weeks of their check stubs, we hire people in new states and new tax accounts have to be set up, new sets up in the system don’t take and the tax records come out wrong, computer glitch emails decide not to show up because a server changed causing a domino impact – no emails of receiving PTO requests, caused things not to be paid, causing me to have to set up funding on emergency card, surprise payrolls occurred at the last minute after reports are printed, therefore needing a reprint. You know, the typical full moon scenario where Murphy’s law kicks into high gear. It’s like all the fans at a football stadium trying to enter the same door on game day all at once. lol. You plan to stay ahead but not everyone does so it leaves you doing things two and three times over and shaking your head going “what just happened?”. It’s like a double full moon. Only it’s not a full moon.

And then there is home. I’m trying to stay above water. Mom’s next Move is looming as her closing nears and the final touches are made on her new home. I’ve planned out the PTO for the year so I’ll know what I can use for her move. I turned in my requests since it involves Fridays so someone can plan to be there in my absence to sign A/P checks for the dates I will be out. I get home and Mom announces we have to go pick out new flooring. Well that’s 1/2 a day I’ll need off as the Design Center doesn’t open on the weekends – shame on them. I blurted out to George “I may as well just quit my job.” I felt bad for saying it. I’m just overwhelmed at work right now and having just planned the PTO for the rest of the year – it just hit me at the wrong time.

I’ve feared for my job because we have had multiple doctor’s appointments – both hers and mine and I’ve even put off having some of my critical ones – such as my colonoscopy and gynecological appts – even with having pain in my abdomen at times – just so I don’t take off so much. But if I took off as much as I needed – there would be no time for work. So I’m trying to keep a Full Time job here and the struggle is real.

And this is where I get very angry and mad at my sister for not being here to help. I’m sorry, but this is life and life is real. And I am very angry right now at life in general. And it doesn’t exclude my anger toward her absence. I’ve decided that anger is ok. You let it come and go. I’ve been sitting here for a few weeks reading two chapters a day about God’s anger against his people for the things they have done wrong. If He can be angry. So can I. The difference is He destroyed entire cities of people when they didn’t turn their ways. I won’t do that. lol I’ll let him be the judge and handle any punishment He has in store. But I’m angry and I am acknowledging it. We need help but we are all being shunned here and I, much like the Lord, do not take that lightly. I’m doing a lesson on how to forgive when someone keeps doing the same things (or not doing what they are supposed to). I mean how do you deal with that? How do you forgive when you can’t forget and it’s in your face every day? This is not ok, and it’s a situation where this lack of action will NEVER be ok with me. The damage that is done, is not repairable where it is not fixable. I don’t get it. None of it.

But yet another day has passed, and the sun comes up as we look through it from our dirty windshields of our lives. Another opportunity to try and fix our anger, fix what is broken, fix the world, fix our schedules, update our PTO requests, try again to lose weight, try again to keep everyone happy and satisfied and settled, and get another cup of morning coffee as we watch the sun rise upon our day and our continued “opportunities”.

What a way to start October 1st. The day of my new challenge. A day of 55 days to create hope of having new behaviors, new ways, new habits. More water intake, a healthier diet, more reading to reach goals (including forgiveness), an increase in serving others, and increased movements. Any improvements to be made will be helpful. SMART goals set! They are attainable! And I can’t think of a better time than now, because I need hope that things will be better.

At lunch yesterday I made this tracker. Just to help me focus. It’s not as detailed as I like but simple is better. I know what my move goals and reading goals are so there is no need to have a check box but I think I do need the reminder/tracker for the food parts.

This week, I feel like I’ve let my self be crushed under the weight of it all. I kinda feel like this old house in our neighborhood looks. I have felt insufficient, incomplete, not enough and it has left me angry and ultimately like an old wet noodle that just wants to slide down the table and land on the floor in a heap and just be done. I feel like an old battered house that is just an eye sore and a detriment to all. A body that can do no good, but only harm. I try so hard. With so little to show for it.

But that is not me. No I’m resilient, determined, and I don’t stay down for long. I cling to hope, dreams, goals, plans, and keep trying. I keep trying to do what I’m supposed to do- to work, to care for those around me, and to try to make something of my life – even if my only successes are little. My spirit is stomped but I’ll be back.

The good news is Mom texted yesterday while I was at work and said “flooring situation solved”. They found something same color but bigger planks. So we don’t have to go in. Another day off averted. It was not going to be good to take off this month during quarter end. I can’t even get time to even work on quarter end with all the other stuff going on at work. So being off would have been an issue. So one issue is averted.

I always get the new planner in October. We are already looking at the first of the year. Flights must be made for Texas and rental car booked.

It’s Oct 1 and it will be busier than an airport at the holidays every day from here until about March. March 1 is becoming my new year in my head. January is going to be busy. February will be a catch up and catch all month. March I can start new things, new programs, new solutions, new goals for the blog, YouTube, and life in general.

Ahhhhhhh. Lord help us all. Hang on! It’s gonna be a crazy ride for the next few months as we move Momma, get ready for and “enjoy” the Holidays, as tired as we’ll be, and get Mom settled in the new place, and head to Texas, do m/e, q/e and y/e at work in Jan (help us all). Feb and March hopefully of 2022 will bring a sigh of relief, and maybe a new dog? That alone makes me smile, but we gotta get through all this first.

I’ll see you for a quick moment in the morning! I’m so glad it’s Friday!

13 responses to “Anger, Resilience, Determination and First Day of Starting New Habits”

  1. Hi Sonya,
    Sorry I’m late again but it’s been a funny kind of day…one that I wish I could share with you but you’ve got more than enough on your plate without me adding to it.
    Honestly love I think you are putting yourself under to much stress, you really truly
    Must Try to forget trying to do everything by yourself. If there’s things you can’t do please don’t go trying to make another space to do it. There is a good word that you nor I are very good at using and that word is NO in block capitals ….what would happen if you got real sick internally ? Would you be able to run after Mum? She would have to move with or without you. Yes I know you want to be the best daughter you can be but again what good will you be to her or George for that matter if you were to become sick…..something has to give love and I don’t like to think it’s your peace of mind and I’m quite sure it isn’t the Lords wish for you either…….take care. God Bless. Night night xx

    • Well it’s not the job that’s gonna give- and I don’t want to give up any hobbies as that keeps me sane when I finally get to do them. So what gets kicked out of the day? lol 😂 Can’t kick Mom out lol

  2. Trying to keep a lid on the anger you’ve been sitting on for the past few months is not good. Now that anger is making its way into other aspects of your life. I wish there was a way to resolve those issues. It is very unfair to you.
    I wish there was a solution.

  3. Sorry but I can’t imagine feeling overwhelmed /busy till March.? As a RN (extremely crazy demanding job, shift work/weekends and Holidays Yada Yada) (can’t imagine how I did it with 4 kids widowed the week the youngest turned 5 and all in sports, band etc. ha!) I get it , now with 12 grandchildren near by its a different busy. But hopefully embrace this, have gratitude for being alive and busy and winging things. Just a comment about your sister not knowing anything (but sorry, your mom seems somewhat difficult), had your sister set up boundaries etc. ……. That your mom would not respect ? Cutting off or distancing for her own health may have been her choice. And I know it sure makes you stuck but wondering if your mom wasn’t the innocent party also. Sorry I don’t want this to sound mean (my parents were both alcoholics with their own issues, had my dad not died in his 50’s I think I would have had to cut contact as toxic as he was, I remained close to my mom.) but maybe that would help lessen your anger. Sometimes people have to do what is best for them and their families and you’re the collateral damage and of course that certainly may not be the case!

    • All I can say is I’m following Gods commands to take care of my Mom. And it’s been difficult working FT and trying to build a house, do two moves, keep up our own house, not get to see Grandson or take trips during the time…. A little help would have been nice. So one person gets to draw boundaries and claim self care-while the other doesn’t? I don’t think God or any of us buys into that one. We both grew up in same household- I was in it for 10 years longer. I’m still here trying to meet all responsibilities. I set boundaries too but did it differently. My problem is a time situation while working and trying to find spare time. I’m all for boundaries, but there’s a way to do it as I see it. I can’t speak for anyone else’s decisions and refuse to judge. I can only say I’m here, trying to follow Gods will —-and the will of what my Daddy would want me to do- and it’s really lonely. I can’t help from being sad and very angry at times.

  4. I come from a large family, lots of conflict and issues. Just a suggestion: try and talk with your sister, appeal to her sense of compassion and fairness. Acknowledge your mother can be difficult, and maybe you can reach a compromise where you agree to disagree on some things, and she helps out with your mom. Just my two cents…

  5. Hopefully the doc appointments and such will settle down after awhile. Lord that’s a lot of water, you’ll be floating. 😊 Take care, Sheila

    • Hi Sheila- Probably not. We have to go once a month for eye injections and there’s lots of meds. We do have the Covid excuse for some appointments. So virtual can work now that she’s established but she doesn’t like her main doc and has to find another. But at least hopefully we won’t be moving her twice next year!!!

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