Attempting to Get My Life Back & a Double Moon

Morning Thoughts

I woke up this morning and the first things I thought about were 1) Oh a family member was so disrespectful to me and how am I going to view that today in my head? 2) Oh it’s Thursday and I have to take Mom out to eat and shop when I really want and need to be home 3) How do you forgive someone when they have been so ugly and disrespectful to you? 4) The fourth went something like this: When will I ever get a break? Will I ever catch up again? Will life ever be good again on this earth?

Thankfully, having AI create the picture above and put the deer in the office beside the chihuahua made me laugh out loud. I probably should have just kept it, but I finally asked AI to put the deer outside, make the chihuahua beige, and the coffee black. I forgot to have it remove the spoon. I drink my coffee black and no need for a spoon. Anyway, how that deer is looking at us in that picture, is how the deer look at us in our yard. So appropriate that it is doing that here.

I need a good cry. I’m trying to cry. If I could cry, I might be better. I can only produce a lone tear out of my right eye. The rest of me is just too tired, too numb, too guarded, maybe even a little angry, a lot of disappointment and quite a bit of sadness. Sometimes it all seems a bit too much to bare.

I’ve tried to “take my life back” this week and do a video called “life reset” after dealing with Mom’s two health and hospital procedures, all the appointments, the move, and all the details surrounding her assisted living set up, all the doctor/nurse calls, going through every stitch of her house and getting things set up for the estate sale people, and now getting the house to sell and about to go through that. But this week has been hard to tear away from all that to take my life back.

Monday was supposed to be an at home “catch up day” to where I mainly got the house back in order but we were gone all day dealing with my health insurance, other errands, estate sale stuff, a family member’s begging of stuff from the house at the 14th hour when it was too late to be asking, and all that blowing up in my text. Tuesday was the day I had lunch with a friend, which was truthfully a great thing and also part of me getting my life back, and getting groceries afterwards. But my filming of the video has suffered. I’ve not been able to do the segments each day I had planned for this week. I have limped along yesterday – my only day so far that I didn’t have to leave the house. Most of it was laundry, cleaning the kitchen, doing some housework, making tacos for dinner, vacuuming the house which I’ve not done in 3 weeks.

I suppose all that IS getting my life back but I have been forwarding the TO DO’s over and over and everything landed on this week. The week after Mom’s surgery. So I’ve been disappointed that it has been so hard to do all the RESET items I had planned. Almost NONE of it has happened that I planned. There is always tomorrow. Oh sure I’ve filmed what I could this week, but almost NONE of it is reset worthy except the cleaning. I have filmed what I could.

The Estate Sale Saga

I don’t know if I mentioned that I had sent a final text to a family member that I was through discussing the estate sale items with her and we could agree to disagree and set a boundary I was not discussing it over and over again. I was done with the mind blowing, finger pointing texts. But invited her to call the estate people herself if she was that set on having the items now that it was passed the time for us to get them and see if they would work with her. I was not going to make the call for her, when she had passed opportunities to get the items. Of course she wanted ME to call but I refused. Do I have to do everything for this family? Apparently. But I refused. If she had the balls to be so ugly to me in text she could grow a couple and call the estate sale people on her own and do the work herself. It was too late and so I told her if she was so set on it she had to make the call.

I got a call from the estate sale lady who sounded a bit shaken. I hope this family member had been nice to her but I’m not sure, considering how disrespectful my texts from the family member was. I told her “yeah, let her have anything she wants” that I wouldn’t call her myself because I knew it was passed time to get anything out of the house (we had been asked on Sunday not to remove anything else since the ad was up).

I told the estate sale lady that if this broke her rules, she didn’t have to comply, so if she was ok with it, I was ok with it. She said she was ok with it, so family member was able to work with the estate sale lady to let family member have the items she wanted. I told the estate sale lady she could decide if my sister needed to pay or not based on her rules, but I said I’m fine with her having the items at no charge even if it’s the 14th hour but if she needed to get her percentage that is up to her.

Well, then I got a text from family member asking if I could pick up all the stuff for the said family member, LOL—— because she is at the beach.

I’m left with quite an array of feelings about this encounter this week with said family member. But I will say it has changed me forever. This along with things from the past has just taken me downstream quite aways and I’m floating away from caring at this point. I am feeling things like disappointment, lack of trust, lack of being able to depend for support, and just lack of being able to understand how and why people think the way they do. I’ve even had feelings of not ever wanting to see this person again.

Why can’t people just do what they are supposed to do? In the time frames when they have been asked to do it? Why can’t families just behave? Aren’t times hard enough? Why do they bicker over the “stuff”. I mean take it -and freaking take it all!

Why do people just let you do all the work? Then they criticize how you did it? I want to say that I have a lot to process regarding this experience. But yet I am both happy and dismayed to say that I really don’t want to work through the process. I don’t want to think about it or her ever again. I never want to hear about it again and I don’t have a desire to work at a relationship again because I won’t be able to muster the trust to have it.

It sucks to be the responsible one taking care of a parent and their things when you don’t get any support and the next thing you know — you are the bad guy. And that is not ok and it never will be. I will keep all the rest of my thoughts inside. I will not be ugly here on this page. But I am being honest.

OK, it is healthy for me to write this week, my feelings, my journey. It helps me work through my own head and I don’t know maybe it helps someone else who has had to deal with these types of things and talking to others – sounds like this is quite common.

Bottom line though, it has to be said. God forgave us and we are tasked with how to forgive others who have treated us unfairly, and accused us of being unfair to others when we were not. God sees our hearts. He knows mine. Thank goodness I don’t have to defend myself to Him. He knows I’ve tried my best to be fair with everything I’ve worked hard to do for Mom and our family. Anyone that thinks otherwise can take it up with Him. I even told the family member that and somehow she thought that meant I was telling her she was going to hell. From then on her texts kept saying I had told her to go to hell. I had most certainly NOT said that. But that is what this WHOLE situation has been like. Just a twisting of words and a conjuring up of thoughts and words said that wasn’t and vice versa.

I just told her to take up her issues with God, not me. If she herself thinks she is going to hell, from THAT then maybe she does need to work that out with Him too, but my whole point is that is between her and God, not me. Thank goodness! I’ve given the issue to Him so she has to talk to Him now is my point. How that got to “I told her to go to hell” is beyond me. But yeah the lack of rationalization is just not there for her to understand the concept I was trying to convey and I was tired of explaining and defending myself and had to set a boundary and keep it because I’d already turned it over to God to handle with the person anyway. I quit responding to her texts. And of course they kept coming.

And of course, I can not do anything right by this person at this point because she is not getting her way with me, as I’ve told her it’s too late and if she wants the items she has to go to the trouble and work with the estate people herself.

So yeah, bottom line is now I’m set with the task of having to forgive and I thought I knew how to do it, but now I’m all befuddled as to how you go about it. Because 1) I don’t want to 2) I don’t approve of how this was handled at the 14th hour 3) I was not treated right 4) The process was not honored correctly 5) She missed the opportunity and that was not MY fault but somehow she is saying it was 6) She twisted my words around so bad you lost the concept of what she was even trying to say, lol. 7) I don’t even understand how we got here to this point so what do I do?

How do I forgive? You can’t say that the sins against you are ok, so how do you forgive it? You are supposed to forgive the person but they are the one who did it and aren’t sorry for it so how do you forgive THAT? I don’t know. It’s easy to just stay away from the person and never have to deal with it again. I CAN DO THAT. Then maybe I’ll forget. The person will never say they are sorry. They don’t work that way. Our family does not work that way. They just blink and act like it never happened. Except for me.

I take it all personally, and stand here befuddled and figuring out how to turn the other cheek when I have no cheeks left to turn….except for….wait for it. I have the answer.

Butt cheeks. Here’s your Moon! I’m turning the only cheeks I have left upward.