From Peace to Chaos

After the peaceful hour and a half of being pampered with feet and leg massages, oils, lotions, and shiny new toes, I came home to an evening of chaos and anger. I actually wanted to go back to work, lol.

My plan was to come home and have an egg sandwich with mayo – a big craving I was having. Nothing from a drive thru even remotely sounded good. I could see that the internet had been down most of the day by the camera alerts saying they were down. But I had seen them come back on and was hoping my video had uploaded properly. It had not. It was stuck on 68%. I just deleted it. No use tempting fate to bring me a disrupted corrupted video to work with. I’d just re upload once things were straightened out.

My anger, however, was increasing. Having just been through this a month ago with Comcast Xfinity, days without internet, obtaining a new router and getting that all set up. And here we go again. It wouldn’t have been so bad if they had easy access to their customer service. But I have seen them go from easy access to having to look deeply to find it within their app, only to be given to a fake person bot in which you can not speak to anyone without going through a lot of system checks. Last night, I had to be invited to a call once their system saw we were having problems. This intensified my anger.

We have been long time customers. When I finally got someone on the line, I was firm and tried not to just absolutely bite her head off. I know she “just works there”. It’s not her fault. She was very pleasant and calming, but I was VERY firm and FRANK. Yes I became FRANK. It’s times like these, is the only time you will hear me calling myself a male, lol lol lol.

I told her, something like this:

Look, I am very angry right now. We just got a new router after being off the internet for days. Only had the new one for a month and now this. I’m trying to upload videos. We pay a lot for this service. We can’t get customer service on the line. And you need to know that depending on how well this goes this time is going to depend whether or not we remain with you guys or seek a new service. There’s a lot of good ones out there for less money and better customer service and better internet connectivity than we are getting. It’s not going to take much for me to leave. This is 2024 and we expect to have internet connectivity. And I expect to get a discount for my time and my loss of internet. I got $60 of my bill and she was asking her boss for more. I just want the internet to work without having to come home and spend two hours trying to get things fixed through the service provider when I have a 1,000 other things on the to do list.

So then I decided I should call Mom….as I was busy and had only texted the night before and she never responds to my texts anymore. I don’t even know if she gets them or can read them. Anyway I just mentioned that I had gone and got my toes done and she bawled me out for not taking her.

I was already angry from dealing with the internet outage. And I already knew that even though she wanted to skip this month, she would be asking when we would go again.

I get my toes and nails done once a month. The last time we got both done was May 13th. We got our nails done last week which was approaching a month. She wanted to skip toes. I asked to make sure before making our appointment. So I only made it for nails. When we got there she asked are we getting our toes done and I said no because she had wanted to skip June. So I didn’t want to make her wait for me to get mine done so I made a separate appointment for last night to get the toes done. One Sunday, before I made the appointment for just myself, I asked again if she wanted hers done and she said not til next time. George is a witness. So I made my appointment and last night was the appointment. Now she is saying that last night was “next time” and she wanted to go. She kept wanting to argue and wouldn’t listen as I tried to set her straight and explain it. George is over there saying “just let it go, she’s always right”, lol. No I’m not letting it go. I’ve had a lifetime of ego centric people trying to tell me my reality was something different that what it was and I don’t take it lightly when I know I am right and someone is gaslighting me. I have NO problem engaging in my right to defend myself. Lord help the soul who wants to engage. It’s not going to be pretty. I just told her “YOU ARE WRONG”. I tried to explain, but George is right. She is convinced she is right and everyone is wrong and she won’t take the time to let you explain or walk her through it. So I finally just said, “You are wrong and I’m done arguing and I’m getting off the phone”.

Yes, she is confused by time. I’m aware of that. She no longer has the mental capacity to think through it. Amplified by the fact, three times over that she doesn’t want to, because of her “I’m always right” complex. She could never ever at any point in her life even remotely imagine that she should ever be wrong in her God like, entitled, narcissistic embodiment. I have only heard her apologize once to me, after the time she bawled us out in the car going to Christmas dinner with the family and stomped her feet like a three year old in the back seat, all because I asked her a question. So we treated her like a three year old and told her we were not going anywhere if she didn’t act right. The next day she called and apologized for her behavior. Yet, her behavior continues like that quite often. She’s only a few behaviors short of losing her 2nd daughter, because as hard as I try to make her happy, her selfish ways return and just like last night, bit my head off even though I asked her twice if she wanted to go. At some point I’m going to break and just go – ok I’m done!

This kinda stuff makes your head spin all the way around without stopping. I wasn’t even sure I could go to bed last night from the adrenaline. I wanted to get in the car, drive into oblivion and never come back. Seriously, it was a thought that went through my head. I also said that I hated my life and why was ever born into such a family mess. And why do I have to put up with this. I don’t deserve this.

But instead I went to bed and pressed my head into God’s gentle arms and asked Him to just deal with it all. I was a nervous wreck. I smiled knowing that He would take care of it. I mean after all…it’s just a video that I can’t get uploaded. It’s just a narcissistic parent that is just going to live in their world regardless of what you do, so what matters? At the end of the day, God and I KNOW that I did my best, did what I was supposed to, was honest, did the right things, and I could cleanly and happily go to bed and sleep in peace even in a chaotic world. Because if everything else and and everyone else can’t play right. That is on THEM. They have their own business with God. But I can sleep peacefully with mine, in my new bed, which is truly a gift from God. I increased my number from a 35 to a 40, making it a tad firmer and it was just wonderful. I slept longer and deeper and woke up fewer times. I didn’t hurt worse for sleeping when I got up. I think it will take some time for my back and legs, spine, or whatever is going on, to heal.

OK so it’s Friday and I’m so happy that it is. It’s a NEW DAY. The heat is on the rise though, but it’s ok, I just stay on the inside. It’s Father’s Day weekend. The video is uploaded to 82%, lol. I hope it continues. The internet is back this morning. I hope it lasts. I just had to blog this morning and get all of this purged from my system. I like having a documentary also of the things I’m going through. And I also like having the blog as my journal because it is such a release and you all are so supportive of my journey. I hope Mom figures out the timing and that she was wrong, but if she doesn’t it doesn’t matter anyway. I asked if she wanted to go twice. She said no so I set my appointment separate from our nails so she wouldn’t have to wait. She said I’d been another time in between without her. I had not. I know what is taking place even if she doesn’t. So it really doesn’t matter. She can brew and stew if she needs to. She opted out for toes in June. We went in May. The next time to go is July. So we’ll go then. Or I can drop her off and go shopping while she gets hers done. I cannot please whatever I do so none of it really matters anymore.

Gotta go to work. Video at 84%. Even if it stops uploading at 99% (likely it will, the way life has been treating me), I will still try to be calm and go “so what”. So hopefully, there will be a video in the morning. If not you’ll know Xfinity let us down again. And I’ll let the whole world know they did! 😉

So from Peace to Chaos has turned back to Peace again. Let’s hope it stays that way.

And just like that wordpress quit on me. It’s the devil toying with me. I couldn’t finish it on my Mac. I was trying to find a picture of Jesus when it quit. George‘s computer is on the Internet. So it’s not that. Go figure.