Chinese Take Out, Life Group Gathering, and No More Drama

Well, our BIG GOAL for this weekend has been accomplished. We had our life group over today. All came but one couple, who was traveling. There’s five of us couples in the group.

So Friday night we had to go to the store to get the fresh ingredients. Next door to the grocery store, there is an excellent Chinese Restaurant. So we bought enough food for Fri and Sat nights. I’m bad about snapping pics without warning. lol.

That way we could just eat that and not be cooking for ourselves. We got the food (and the house) ready Saturday. We have worked really hard in the house for the last month. Lots of spring cleaning projects.

I ran out of time of course. This is quite the list. It was a good thing to make the list. And I try to knock a little out every weekend.

Hey, look…Here’s the oven burner covers I ordered. They mixed well with the pig pic and the floors.

George made some dark chocolate puddings. He made enough for all but we had pie, brownies from a church bake sale today (I think it was the youth group gathering money for their mission trip).

I used the same set up as the “Easter Table”. This is where the guys ate.

The girls ate in the sun room.

I didn’t have enough silverware of each kind to match for 10 settings. Although there were only 8 of us. I wasn’t sure when I set the table who was coming. I was thinking my grandmother (and any proper lady from the South) would cringe. I cringed myself. I decided I had to get over it. But I sat at this place setting. I think most of the others matched. lol. I was just taught they needed to match. Do people worry about these things still today? Is this something you would worry or be concerned over? It’s unacceptable! It has to match!

So George got creative with the butter. lol. He said “well, it holds everyone up in line, so I went ahead and cut several pats of butter”. Good idea!

Getting seranaded (not really) while we waited for everyone to get out of 2nd service and head to the house. We skipped Sunday School to come home and get everything heated and ready.

Things happened so fast when everyone got here I didn’t get a pick of all of them but he cooked a dozen of these Cornish hens stuffed with rice and we had carrots and my 24 hour salad (7 layered salad). These were left over.

Most of us had key lime pie for dessert. And we had berries for one of the men that is diabetic.

And this is checked off the Spring/Early Summer Bucket list (April thru June). I guess we’ll be doing this again in about 6 weeks or 8 or 9 depending how soon we can all get together. Next time it won’t be as big of a deal as they have been to our house now and it’s not the first time. I’m not sure why that matters but I guess it’s a first impression thing and I really wanted it to be nice for everyone. I will still want it to be nice for everyone but I might not dust as much, lol! I still didn’t get everything dusted. The tall furniture, tops of picture frames. Any tall men would have seen it, lol

So after the party I called Mom and got her grocery list. I went down the aisles in my head and asked her about things that it had been a while since she bought it, of things she normally gets. So there was a lot she had not thought of. I did the shopping and got her mail and took her a little bit of everything from our meal packed in a cooler with cold packs (since I had to go to the store first). So got that done.

I’ve been working on laundry and my World Bible School for the day. I need to change my sheets but I think I’ll wait til tomorrow night. I’m pretty zapped.

Next up on the Schedule is eating over at Mom’s Thursday night. She has been insistent about fixing a roast in the crock pot. She really doesn’t need to cook for us as it stresses her out to cook a big meal these days. So she had me check for the price of a roast and it was under $20 so I bought it. As long as there is no yelling in the kitchen. I will go.

Mom and I had some issues this past week. I called her Saturday and we discussed our feelings and basically came to an impasse on our issues. I was met with deflecting, it all being my fault, and no empathy or understanding. I at least got some things off my chest but it was like talking to air. So that was mainly for ME. She did hear it. How she processes it is on her.

Since she keeps saying she should have stayed in Columbia, I asked her if she wanted to just consider moving back, lol. It’s kinda pointless to keep saying it. We don’t service her needs well enough to suit her timing or the way she wants it. Center stage all the time. And it all really doesn’t matter. I told her even if she didn’t understand why on earth I would need some time at home, I was still going to have it or I won’t be around for her at all. There is nothing I can say that will ever make a difference, but I let her know that she needed to be thinking about assisted living because we may retire year after next and move to TX. She says she doesn’t want to go. I told her if things like this kept happening, that I would probably have to step down from her care. Why would a person continue to stand in line to be slapped for all they did?

The things she says or complains about are ALL advocating for assisted living. She is proving she can’t do a very good job at this independent living. (Needing more to do, wanting more socialization – although she really turns down the opportunities like Life Group, and even church the last two weeks, having trouble on several levels which I won’t go into here. But it’s obvious she needs to be in assisted living.)

This Saturday is Fancy’s trim/groom though, so I had told her I’d give her a Saturday every 5 weeks or so. That is the only Saturday I’m giving up. When I do that, it’s 2 weeks before I get a day off. So she wants to go to Belks and Lowes I think. I will also take her to eat. We may do a grocery run on the way home but we’ll see. We may do that Sunday. If I’m gone all day Saturday though I’ll kinda need Sunday to get our laundry done and the household turned around for another week. So for the next two weeks I don’t get a day off. And if things continue to go South, I will probably stop doing Saturdays all together. I am only trying to please her by taking Fancy to get trimmed and out to eat. But if there is no cooperation or understanding of my needs, why would I continue to knock myself out and give up my precious Saturday at all? I can’t please anyway! God is the one that will determine this. It’s his call. He has not decided, so I will keep this appointment mainly for Fancy’s sake! lol.

The issues of the past week was just drama. And it was pointless. And Mom didn’t go to church for two weeks. She let all this drama override her own beliefs “going to meet with the saints on Sunday that she has wagged her fingers at us over – just the other week in fact she was talking about people who don’t go to church every Sunday”. I’m throwing out her own judgment here because it’s comical that the the two Sunday’s after she said that she didn’t go.

She doesn’t care for our life group Sundays I don’t think because it messes with her day. Even though she was invited. She’s just not very social and wouldn’t enjoy it at this point.

I will just say, I’m over any kind of drama. After this scenario this week, I’ve just made some decisions and God and I have talked it over. I’m honestly just kinda done. I don’t really know what that means so much but I do know this:

1) After the last week I’ve decided that this or any situation like it doesn’t get any of my brain power any more. 2) I can set my own boundaries with or without letting a person know 3) There is no way I can ever please so I don’t really see much of a need to try anymore 4) I’ve decided there is no way I’m lovable or appreciated to some people and that is ok I’ve accepted that 5) I don’t think my needs will ever be understood as there is no empathy 6) Anything I say or do will always get twisted so I’ll say very little 7) I’ve really just lost a lot of love and respect. 8) God says to pray for those that persecute us so I have and will continue that. 9) I no longer feel the need to reason/or explain myself anymore – why try? It’ll only be deflected, denied, and/or used against you later. 10) It will always be my fault even when it’s not. 11) I don’t really have that relationship anymore and I’m not sure I really ever did. That’s sad. 12) This project is NO LONGER my Focus. God is. God will have to handle it. I will do what He says. 13) I’m just a grey rock or a grey robot in this situation 14) Likely there will need to be others that step in and help (hopefully God provides) 15) My heart has been hurt and stepped on and it’s just not available any more to the one that did it.

So yeah- this week was pretty uncalled for but it did ME a lot of good because I went through some more therapy – self found therapy but FREE! It gave me the information I needed to lift some burdens, share some burdens, clear my head, realize there is nothing I can do, it’s not my fault, and to move on. Plus God’s Word is pretty clear on several things. The Tribe Has Spoken Yet Again. The Tribe has learned a lot. The Tribe understands that Satan uses tactics by going through other people. Yikes. But my God is bigger. His Tribe takes care of me. I’m only responsible for my actions. I don’t have to have apologies (I’d never get it anyway). I don’t have to give explanations. I answer to God and those around me that love me. I will do my best to love and forgive, but I’m going to let God have it. On so many levels I’m done. I just have not decided what level. I don’t have to. I gave it to God to decide. He’s driving.

And on that note, I’m going to get ready to go to bed and do some deflecting of my own. I’m going to tell my To Do List to go to another day! I’ll reassign everything to another day that works better. This day was full.

17 responses to “Chinese Take Out, Life Group Gathering, and No More Drama”

  1. Hi Sonya, I hope as I type this you are sound asleep. You’ve certainly had a long busy day, I’m so pleased everything went so well. I’m sure everybody enjoyed your company…..
    As for Mum, well I’m afraid it’s quite normal for some older people to become even more selfish if that was their way normally …it’s sad but I really don’t think they realise how awkward they are and certainly they don’t realise it even when it’s pointed out to them. I think the best way to deal with them is just to oTRY ignore there demands and just continue to do what you yourself know she needs shopping and such but only at your convenience and when you find time. Please don’t even begin to feel guilty. You know within yourself that you are comfortable with your decision and that’s the main thing. Good Luck !!

  2. You have done what you could and it is not appreciated. Things will settle down one way or another. There is no need to beat yourself up for it.

    • No I won’t beat myself up for it. My only fault was offering to help LOL – not really- I was doing what God told me to do as a daughter. But according to her I’m at fault for it.

  3. This is my first time commenting, but have been reading your blog for a while. I agree with the others above that are saying you and your husband go above and beyond in your mother’s care.

    My father-in-law was like that too…and we were working and still had our youngest two in high school. We eventually came to the conclusion that it was too much, and he didn’t see that way.

    We ended up using a home service company…no medical, but they’d come and run the small errands, pick up groceries (after stopping to make a list with him), some laundry, any small work around the house (organizing his meds or a kitchen drawer or whatever he wanted.) He had cleaners come twice a month, and occasionally medical home care from a separate agency as needed. It was a huge transition for him and us. But in the end, he loved his “girls” …they were in their 50s, but they were always happy to serve him and visited with him a couple days a week for 2 hours. They were paid well, but it really wasn’t that costly…and they were well worth it! We could come over, bring dinner and just visit and enjoy each other. There were still bigger projects to do for him, but they could be scheduled a bit better for us…sometimes… 🙂

    He has passed now, but we were left with far better times with him during those last years. As their children and being caring, you want to do everything you can, but it shouldn’t be to our detriment. I think they do know that, but their aging minds mess with it all. I tell my husband all the time…we need to hang onto our minds as long as we can and not do this to our kids. But I also tell our kids to do what they need to, dad and I will be ok. I wish you well!

    • Thank you Debbie. I wonder if I should look into this. Mom doesn’t trust anyone and doesn’t want people coming and going, but maybe I could show her some options she could look at and consider. She also won’t spend the money. But that would be so helpful. I appreciate you speaking out! Thank you!

  4. We as a family recently got private pay home help for my mother in law and it has been a god send!!! She didn’t want it but needed it and was told by her 4 kids she had no other options, that or an assisted living because her needs were beyond their capabilities (all live 20-30 miles away) I’m just daughter in law and my husband’s deceased so I’m not as much involved). They went with Home Instead which I think is a national company. Her carer is in her 40’s and very nice. Does a great job and I believe she pays her 25.00 an hour (I’m sure different may other areas (or maybe 30, I guess I don’t know) but she has to do 10 hours a week which my mother in law insists she doesn’t want/need or afford but they’ve said too bad, that or you’ll have to move and we’re not helping anymore (they still also help). She’s more medically fragile, an amputee that kept falling so there’s other issues that led into this! She’s fired her helper a few times but took her back when the family insisted ha! They have had to do the tough love route. Note she does not have alot of money but assisted living would be even more as has been explained to her many times! Many many ha! (Fired her once when she her floor looked too streaked after mopping ha!) my sister in law stayed with her one weekend after a hospital discharge intended to stay a week but had to leave after she couldn’t please her, a screaming match regarding what a poor daughter/child she’d always been and left crying with my mother in law singing Jesus Loves Me at the top of her voice as she went out the door!! We’re all on a group chat! Jre

    • Yeah something like that would be beneficial. Not the last part lol. This has been the hardest, least successful thing I’ve ever done. I wish I’d never suggested she move and honestly to just want to be 1000 miles away and never look back. But GOD leads.

  5. With regards to my mother in law she’s now 90, has macular degeneration, hearing issues and is in a wheelchair but is quite independent with that but also gets on tangents that it’s hard to know what to do. She declines most all outings because of her hearing issues (has tried multiple hearing aids) and mostly lives in the past and carry’s anger over things. Her sons built a beautiful three bedroom handicap accessible rambler for her. Her kids/spouse’s mostly visit once a week and one brother in-laws family brings a meal every Thursday and they have supper together so she has company 2-4 times a week, take her to medical appointments and get groceries etc. as needed. It does help that there’s 4 of them and me occasionally plus adult grandkids come/help occasionally. Best of luck.

  6. I wish there was a simple answer.
    I wish there was someone who could reason with your mother. I know that’s not possible because she is stubborn & extremely selfish. That’s not going to change.
    She needs to hire someone to do things when & how she likes them done. See how much abuse they take.
    I’m sure she considers herself to be a Christian woman. I disagree.
    Don’t let her lay guilt trips on you, then she wins.
    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this crap.

  7. Georges Cornish hens look good. Funny story, when first married I bought two of the Cornish hens for husband and I. I stuffed them with rice and basted them and was so proud. Husband enjoyed but was still hungry after he ate the one. I guess I should have bought two each for us.
    Hope you get things resolved with your mom. There should be respite for caregivers. I noticed ARRP had something about Senior care. I wish she would get a home health aide. My mom loved hers. They always were going places together plus she helped Mom with small household tasks. She had a couple she didn’t like but then she just told them and they sent her a good one. I think Medicare paid for hers. Your Mom could try at least for a month. With you working like you do with a commute I can understand how tired u must be.
    If you move to Texas she will have to hire somebody unless she moved with you.
    This has made me think about what will happen when Husband and I get older. I want to be in my own home as long as I can be. Tell you Mom there is adult daycare for seniors maybe she might like that. They take them places and have lunches for them. I read an article in the paper about it. You could just drop her off and pick her up like you do Dexter. That way she wouldn’t be so lonely and could be with others. I know it must be hard being alone so much and not able to drive. There has to be something that could help.

  8. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this. My mother was very much the same way but she battled ovarian cancer for 10 long years. We had our battles with mom not wanting outside help and being demanding.
    You’ve mentioned an aunt and uncle. Could they talk to her about accepting help?

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