A friend sent this to me to give me a laugh. She said she wanted to show me her Gingerbread House. I know my friend Lisa is pretty crafty so I imagined a beautiful thing sitting on her table that she and the family had likely worked hours on. Yes, given my imagination as to what elaborate craftings my Lisa can do, I laughed.
But yesterday was hard – the first full day after giving up my Maisy girl to peace. Getting out of bed was hard. I did not miss the 4:30 romp outside in the coldness for an outside “business” session, I’ll admit. But she was not at my feet while blogging, not on my shower rug when I stepped out of the shower, not sitting in the hallway waiting for me to flit b/w bedroom and bathroom. She was not in the kitchen for me to say bye to when I left for work. I cried all morning. I cried going to work. I made it fine for the most part all day at work. I take my payroll seriously and of course Maisy was never at my work so that was fairly easy to focus and not remember. But as I left the building to come home, the tears began to fall in big form down my cheeks. I made it to the car and exited the parking lot before I allowed myself the BIG UGLY CRY. I cried until I got to the airport and then I had to concentrate on traffic or I myself would be meeting the maker. There were some traffic snafus keeping me focused on traffic. I prayed to God to help me thru telling Him it hurt so much. I never realized how much it would hurt.
I kept questioning my decision. Did I do the right thing? Should we have tried one more thing? Was I too quick to make the decision? Could she have gotten better? But I always came to the same conclusion – she was a very sick girl and likely not to get any better. She was not a happy camper, miserable, and it was almost inhumane the way we had to get her to take her pills and swallow. Had she been younger she might have been able to pull through. But heart, lungs, digestive system, liver – for the late stages in her life, I felt it was too much. And that is where we were – it was all too much for her. She was there already and not overcoming it.
Looking back she had these periods of malaise but would bounce back. I think her problems began long ago. We just never paid for x-rays or bloodwork because of the expense and she always bounced back so we never really need to. Of course I questionned that too. I wondered had we done that could we have given her meds way back when to have resolved the issues and she’d be with us longer? I don’t know. Regardless, we were trying to be responsible pet owners without paying unnecessary expenses unless it was needed. So yeah, I questioned myself a lot yesterday. But always came back to the same decisions considering how sick and how much was going wrong. Her body was not able to handle things any longer. She was struggling and miserable.
But we get by with a little help from our friends. I read your comments all day long. They were sweet and meant so much to me ya’ll. You have no idea. I thank you so much for your support yesterday.
My friend Lauren from work sent me a sympathy card. It was so sweet of her. For people to stop and comment or send a card or even a thumbs up, heart, like or care button on facebook – meant so much.
I might have also tried to make a little cheer for myself with my snowman and might have got into my secret stash.
And with the afternoon coffee break. By the time I close 3 payrolls I usually get coffee to get through the 4th without eyes crossing, lol. So I looked up long enough to scribble my best hurried pic of Maisy on my coffee cup.
These were Instagram Stories, and they didn’t have a Maisy dog on there so I picked the cutest one I saw.
So let’s talk about Roger. He was having “some issues” when we went to bed Monday night. Vomiting and Diarrhea, repeatedly. I was at my witts end. I could not. I just could not fathom going down a similar road with Roger right now. He’s older than Maisy. But whatever was wrong sorted itself out and he was fine yesterday. He slept a lot and he ate and no more issues.
Quite the blurry pic and dark as well, but I wondered if Roger misses Maisy. No doubt he does. He slept in her spot last night while we watched TV. Maisy was his ears. Sometimes his eyes as he sleeps a lot but stayed tuned to what Maisy was doing. He cannot hear most things. Maisy’s cues told him when we were coming home, when it was time to go out, when it was time to eat, etc.
Roger has been wandering and walking more though. Often dazed and confused. He started this a few weeks ago – walking from room to room. Most of the time I think he’s looking for George. His big eyes greet you when you pass him on these little walks. He seeks your face and watches your hands – (probably to see if we have food).
I know he has looked for her in our bed. And I’m sure he notices she is not there.
So I had a hard time last night when I sat down at my computer at home. Maisy is always quick to be in her spot. She loves my office and being at my feet there under the table. She snoozed good there and was relaxed. As I slid my feet under my desk, the tears fell. No Maisy. I said aloud, “Oh Maisy I miss you so much”. Another ugly cry ensued. Little Bit came into the room, hopped up on my chair, hopped into my lap, stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on my shoulder and leaned into me to give me the biggest and best cat hug and probably the only cat hug, I’ve ever had. I was quite shocked at how human like and deliberate the hug was. I was left thinking “did that really happen?” and that it was a devine hug from God Himself through my cat. I hugged him back. It made me feel better. I was shocked that he knew I was upset and did what he could to ease my pain. Wow.
Today getting up was easier. Was that two ears I see in the moonlight? Naw, it was just George’s feet. What I would have given for Maisy to pop her head up again to see what I was doing. But I must remember it’s better for her this way. If she couldn’t be well then we don’t want a sick and miserable Maisy just for our sakes.
I’ll be washing this pink blanket below. I will be like a 4 year old I guess and have my Maisy blankie, lol. I will put it on the bed and pat it when I miss her, lay it on my office chair and pat it. I’ll at least feel as if I have some piece of her. She laid on that a lot. It was soft. It was Katy’s blanket when she was little. Since she is having a boy, I didn’t sent it for River. I figured River may not like pink.
So yes today was easier, but I’m not sobbin’ in heaps this morning. The word I’m feeling is more “acceptance”. I know it will get easier and I know the grief is not over yet. It’s still so raw. Those loving eyes. Those cute butterfly ears. Her loving heart. Her sweet little body that loved it’s tummy rub. Her little personality. Oh I miss her.
I can’t believe Christmas is coming on so quickly. So I’m trying to focus on my house and finishing up Christmas wrapping and stuff. I just did not have enough joy in me to wrap last night. But I vacuumed and then played a game using up my energy. Not much of a start toward my goals but yet I at least did that. It’s hard to do housework after working all day.
So I’ve not had time to tell you that George is working from home again until further notice. People at his work were having to get tested after being exposed so they told him to work from home.
No word on the party for Saturday. I think it’s still on. I’m still not sure with the percentages of people the virus is impacting, if we should go. I’m leaning no for me. But I know George wants to go. Just the chances of someone having the virus that is there, is likely in today’s numbers. We will have older generations at our house soon so….I’m keeping that in mind.
I better get off and get ready to work. But I DO want to thank you all again for your support yesterday. YOU GOT ME THROUGH THE DAY. I was overwhelmed with your kindness! Love you all!