I’m Content -but I’m seeking the “Giddy” Happy!

Monday, March 23

Excited to have a good stretch of week to get a few things done that I’ve been trying to do. Mom does not have any doctors appointments this week and we have no outings planned. I think we both needed a break. The days out are certainly hard on her trying to get up and ready and out the door. And they tire me out too for some reason. And then I scratch my head and wonder where the week went – but in reality we were gone about 4 out of the 7 days, if you include church and outings with George too.

I know I’ve mentioned I have had to step back on a few things. It’s been a busy 1st quarter of the year and I’ve had to cut out my usual adoptions of up to 20 students per day in World Bible School, and then back down to 12, down to 10 and now down to 5 til things calm down. One day this week I had like 12 quizzes to grade. Usually it’s 3 to 5 or so. Each day there are emails too to answer. And I’ve had a lot of those. So the Lord gently nudged me and said “while your Momma not doing so well, it’s ok to step back on these things”. I had been praying for time back in the schedule and to feel a lighter load and mainly to feel contentment again instead of a robot getting up and trying again every day. I’ve given up the magi packing for now to give me a day at home to rest, take care of the house, and get the YouTube work done.

I want to be clear. I don’t think I’ve been unhappy. Just kindof numb and like a train following its tracks and staying within the rails. But I’ve asked God for the contentment and joy that I know His Spirit can bring. So I’ve been leaning into Him for that. And I think He is leading me to “the still waters” of peace, joy, and contentment once again. I can see little spurts emerging.

I’ve been trying to spend time in my own thoughts, or in His Word doing my devos, trying to learn and see God and how He worked through Abraham and Sarah, as I’m on Genesis now. I think we learn a lot about the nature of God in the Old Testament.

But I miss the giddy feeling of joy and contentment – the kind that you realize you are enjoying yourself during the day, with what you are doing, with the next moments to come, and you have a feeling of delight, relaxation, and just being in the moment. It’s hard to describe, but I miss that. I try to figure out what makes the difference in being giddy about what you are doing and just feeling flat and doing it without giddiness. Because it’s not that I am sad, or am I?

I think we have to do a check-in with ourselves every now and then. I think we spend so much time planning, doing, and our minds are totally absorbed in what is going on and in all that is around us or on line or on TV or _________ fill in the blank. Do we get enough thought time to ourselves?

I had to ask myself, what is it that would make you overly happy? If you were all alone making decisions for yourself, with no one else to consider, what would you do? The first thing that came to mind was that I’d be planning a trip to the beach. Likely a two week stay before the spring season was over and summer began to take advantage of the smaller rates. I’d eat seafood, walk on the beach, read on the beach, shop the local shops, and fix fresh seafood at night, fix eggs and bacon and fruit for brunch, and have pimento and cheese for sandwich options at the beach. A tecate with lime as I read my book on the beach. I’d schedule a dolphin tour or perhaps a deep sea fishing excursion. And I’d thoroughly enjoy myself.

I’d also move. I’d move to a smaller place, but a more updated place and make it my own. And it would be something with very little yard, and not much maintenance. I’d probably buy a class C RV or a travel van and travel around some but I’d want to have a home base to come home to. I’ve almost lost the itch to RV but at times it comes back strong. I’m a little uncertain about wanting to travel by myself as I think I’d be a little scared sometimes but I think I’d be able to overcome it and plan so that I was always prepared. I’m sometimes afraid at night, sometimes afraid to travel – higher anxieties anyway, and the world out there is awfully evil if you run into such, and I’m afraid of storms. So this would be the ultimate challenge for me.

George does not like the beach so much now, and he doesn’t want to RV, so here I sit at home. I don’t really have much of a resentment of these things as I do enjoy our home. If he doesn’t like something – he doesn’t like it and you can’t make him. But I admit it would be nice to compromise, if I’m being honest. And I can’t say I have zero resentment. We learn to live our lives around others and I’ve been able to put my dreams and desires away. We spend money on other things besides beach vacations now, I’ve not pushed having an RV as he would never support the cost, and maybe not even so much as a vacation with an RV involved, and I don’t think we’ll be moving to a smaller place yet because he has a lot of stuff and we’d have no where for it to go. He is more of a pack rat than I am and I’ve lived in a small apartment even before he had so much stuff and that was very difficult as the extra bedroom was a storage room already. lol. I don’t think we will downsize happily. We may have to one day and we’ll have issues when we do. The musical instruments alone……would require an extra floor, lol.

I’m not complaining. I’m just purging. Just writing. Just thinking of things that would make me happy or feel giddy. But those things are not options and it is a discovery doing this exercise that the things my soul sometimes wants to do is just not in sync with those around me and I guess what love is, is putting yourself second and not pressing the issue. I can’t say that those around me would do the same always, lol, if someone would put me first. If so we’d be sitting on a beach from time to time, trying out a rental RV vacation to the west, and we’d be looking at smaller places and downsizing, or at least talking about it. Maybe even moving to TX to be with family if they are going to stay down there. And then there’s Momma. So whaddya do? Nothing. So here I sit.

So it’s been a fun exercise to dream. I think sometimes we just need some change of scenery, maybe a temporary escape, or just some dreams we think we can maybe keep alive instead of letting them die daily. But it’s all good. My paths are in the Lord and He knows the desires of my heart and He is not through with me yet.

OK, on with my day. Off to exercise, fix an egg and cheese on toast for brunch, edit a video, do some filing, take some stuff downstairs, and video this week on Anxieties and Insecurities! Kinda stepping out on a limb with that one but I think it’s time. Over and out for today.

Friday, March 27

Here it is “posting day” and I have only blogged twice if you include today, of the whole week. I have, however, done whatever I wanted and blogging was just not one of them. Did I, however, accomplish anything grandiose this week? No! Did I relax some? Yeah. I get so disappointed with the To Do List just continues to get rolled over. It’s very difficult to get past my normal routines. Taking care of dogs, Mom responsibilities, household responsibilities, eating 2 to 3 meals, doing my spiritual responsibilities, are the main routines and beyond that is difficult. I have to ignore something to get something extra done. And by sun down, I’m disappointed that “yet again” I was not able to get the new password program downloaded and set up, get any writing done on my writing projects, work on getting sponsorships and affiliates, get the front porch door “windexed” (it’s a big deal having to take the glass panes out), or get the spring bucket list started, or start the new spring summer puzzle.

I’ve also been in sort of a funk this week which is more like “a quietness” of just being a pale existence. I recognize the need of something that is missing in my life and I’m trying to figure out what. My excitement is gone, the sparkle is gone, and sometimes the happiness seems to have disappeared silently. I must say though that even though I’ve just typed that – I’m totally content. It’s like my life is really good, but it could be better? And I am having some kind of FOMO moments sitting here on the sofa reading, or watching a YouTube channel – when I could be out doing something fun myself instead of reading or watching someone else doing it.

On Wednesday, Dexter came home with a toenail half broken off in the quick. It’s been painful for him. And he’s been licking it – A LOT. I told George we needed to take him yesterday before it becomes an issue. It has to be painful and the rest of the toenail needs to be taken off so Dexter doesn’t continue to be in pain and mess with it, possibly getting it infected, and in discomfort. But George wanted to wait a day and see. So he did. I’m happy to say though that this morning, Dexter is being taken and seen to now as I type this. I would have gone with him but he didn’t ask me to and the appointment was grabbed on a whim with less than 10 min to throw on clothes and so I didn’t ask to go. They will be back soon.

My outlook today is better. Once again, I have high hopes of focusing to get more done. I just think I enjoy being retired so much that I want to do ALL the things when in reality I can’t. So some of my regular routine of things will just have to be overlooked until I can get more of the goals accomplished. And like I said, some of them are not really important goals and some are. Some things are just routine cleaning things. I’m just a slavemaster to myself I think, lol. I can’t just sit and read without feeling a little bit of remorse (maybe guilt) that something else is not done.

Last night I sat down to relax and watch YouTube and I totally forgot to call Mom b/c I was so relaxed. I did remember eventually though and call her, but then I got a FaceTime from the kids, and then she called me back and said she’d lost some of her meds and wasn’t sure she’d gotten it in the first place. Since I don’t track her meds, I have no idea. She didn’t want me to track her meds so I don’t. She likes to take this pill or that on a whim and eliminate this one or that one on a whim so one of those little cases won’t work for her. And I’m not going over there three times a day to dispense pills so she will be on her own. I have drawn boundaries around being her assisted living assistant. I will not do it. I cannot do it but it proves to be closer and closer to assisted living time if the meds continue to be a problem. I’m getting calls saying “I’ve lost my meds or the meds didn’t come in”. But I’m not over the meds and don’t really want to be unless she wants me to put them in the daily reminder box. She’s on like 10 prescriptions or something like that. So her being able to fix a meal is getting iffy. But she can still get up and do it – she just doesn’t want to. Now her meds are becoming an issue. And she is getting to where she doesn’t want to sleep in her bed and she’s getting to where she doesn’t want to be alone – so our time is getting closer to assisted living time.

We have an appointment mid-April for testing to see if she is a candidate for a new valve. She may not be. We’ll have to see. If not heart failure will continue. There is a place we can call quickly that will help you find a place. So as things progress, we at least have an agency to call that will help get her in a place quickly. We won’t have much of a choice though but she is turning down her options currently as she’s saying no to even checking any out. She’s on a waiting list for a big room and it’s likely not going to be available for a while b/c those with smaller rooms can switch to bigger rooms that are already in the facility. She should have taken “first available”. I’m trying to honor her wishes and let her make the call but when she becomes a higher fall risk, can’t shower, can’t get up to eat, and can’t figure out meds, then it’s time to make a move and she will have no ground to argue on.

I’m just venting because I’m worried about her. I know she doesn’t want change, but I think some change would do her wonders. Why won’t she just go and let someone fuss over her and take care of her. She would LOVE to be waited on. She is a PRIME candidate to be waited on. She loves to boss people around that visit to hand her things and do things. She loves being waited on so why not? lol

Alright, over and out. Waiting for my Dex to come home and see what they did. Bless him.

Update: He’s home and they clipped the toenail and gave him a pain med and sent more home with us. George said they told him that he was quite unsettled in the back and that he 1) pee’d 2) pooped and 3) expressed himself and that he might be a bit stinky. I don’t know if any of you have experienced the smell of the expression? Oh my. There have been times when he got scared or excited and this happened and it is a horrible “dead fish smell”. Once a neighbor came over and Dexter got excited and the smell came about and for a long time I thought the neighbor had been fishing and just still stank. Over a year later, upon smelling the smell again, I realized that it wasn’t the neighbor. The more horrifying realization was that he may have thought it was ME as I was the one giving him the pan of lasagna while George hadn’t arrived yet. How awful. But yet it’s kinda humorous. Anyway, hopefully Dexter boy is on the mend. He wouldn’t eat this morning but he actually ate after all this so maybe he will sleep the afternoon away and relax. Bless him.