Home from Texas, Doing Vlogmas, Disappointment

Tuesday, Dec 2

I rather liked doing the blog as a draft and doing a week at a time last week. It was simple and easy and flowed for me, not having to publish it afterwards each time and share it. I think I will journal more if I do a weekly post instead of full daily post. I think I will publish it on Friday afternoons, so it doesn’t mess with my Saturday video posts. So here we are with another weekly journal. (Rereading this, I realize this is not being posted til Saturday because we were so busy yesterday that I didn’t have time.)

On Monday, I unpacked, and cleaned up the house, folded laundry, started the next vlogmas vlog. We went to the grocery store and stocked up with things for the next week. Yesterday was my “give yourself some grace” day where I did not have a huge lot of things that I made myself do except for just plugging back into the house and getting settled. I was busy all day though doing that. Paid a bill for Mom and checked in with her.

We had a bit of a wintry mix event but not hardly evident – just very close as we hovered in mid 30’s. It’s a cozy feeling being in the house today and not having to venture out. George is out though as he is gone to the mens prayer breakfast at Shoney’s.

My first day of vlogmas showed that I lost 8 subscribers. It stings, but I have to realize that I don’t need to compare myself to other vlogs if it makes a few people happy. My competition is mainly: beautiful, living in beautiful places, have amazing things going on that interest others. lol. I’m old, retired, just hanging out at the house for the most part, and just being myself, lol. I know. I know. I should give myself a little more credit. But I’m boring in comparison sometimes. But I’m trying not to let it get to me but it has a tendency to slap me in the face when no one leaves until you post. And it’s like “ouch”. The things we say or imagine to ourselves. Like I picture them seeing my vlog and going “oh hell no, not her again”. I guess we are so used to hearing the world be cruel and experiencing rudeness that we think that is happening. Or maybe YouTube just happens to delete some old accounts every Saturday at 7 right when I post, lol. (I’m rereading this and happy to report that I gained some new subscribers during Vlogmas and feel that posting more often has something to do with that, as the algorithm likely rewards those that post more often,)

Anyway, I won’t let it get to me because, you know, there are 5,000 that didn’t unsubscribe. So if my material is not good enough to climb to the part of the algorithm where it shows it to someone else on YouTube, that’s ok. I’ll just shrink til we are back to 30 again and then I might quit. But 5,000 stayed. So let’s be happy about that. The comments I get keep me going. They are like little drops of gold in a world of “is this video going to stick or not”? Maybe one day I’ll do a video and it’ll get noticed again. It’s ok. It’s like a puzzle, a rubik cube that has to continually be worked on until you get it right finally. ChatGPT (Chet) tells me that it’s not just me, that other small creators go through the same thing. All in all, it should not be about the numbers but having a good time and sharing and helping each other along. But it does and always will matter, b/c we are always in the spirit of growth and improvement. I was raised and trained for that and it’s now in my DNA.

I fixed a vegetable beef soup yesterday and it was really good. We have enough for a bowl tonight to go along with something else. It was just beef, onion, garlic sautéed together and I built it up from there. I had chicken broth, a chicken broth packet, water, balsamic vinegar, honey, Worcestershire sauce, entire can of Mexican street corn including liquid, bag of frozen mixed vegetables, entire can of black beans including liquid, a couple of very small golden potatoes chopped, about 3 small tomatoes chopped, and then spices included: salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, paprika, tarragon, thyme, basil, oregano, parsley. It turned out really good. George fixed cheese toast and we had some HEB tortilla chips from our trip which we added a few in for a crunch. It was healthy until we did that. lol George always gets me in trouble. Then he fixed popcorn and added butter. I am so easily persuaded to eat. I will work on my self control and my eating issues in 2026. It’s just that my entire life, good feelings and good times have been associated with good food. It makes me feel good inside to eat and I have to work on some deeper mental issues related to food – not just making better choices. But that is a 2026 goal.

I have a lot to do today. And it looks something like this:

• Monthly analytics in YouTube – I park and track in Notion
• Clean kitchen
• Answer comments on today’s vlog
• Reimburse our main account for my $300 domain cost for the year
• Fold laundry.
• Transfer files from my camera for Vlogmas Day 5
• Start editing that
• Swish the toilet, lol
• Film Vlogmas Day 6
• Finish decorating for Christmas
• List the Christmas gifts we bought in TX in Notion so tomorrow I can review it and see what’s left to get
• I think I may have to film the Outro for Vlogmas Day 5 also.
• Post my Blessings on the Gratitude Plus App that Katy invited me to. It’s a neat little app. I’m doing the free version.
• Watch Sister Wives – I watched an episode yesterday but have one more to watch
• Check email
• Check on Mom

Overall today, I’m feeling very behind on the decorating and getting ready for Christmas and I’m a little anxious about Vlogmas since I’ve had to stop working on it to restore the house. So now we dive into those things a little more today. Wow this was a long post for one day.

Wednesday, Dec 3

Well, yesterday was quite a fiasco. First of all I had asked George to print out our proof of insurance for our cars (his office has the printer). He only printed one (my car) and refused to print the other one for his car stating that I did not need it. Sometimes I have to drive his car. It may be rare but sometimes I do. He said it was in the car glove compartment. I told him that is fine but I like to have both copies behind my license b/c if I’m ever stopped it is all there together and I don’t have to go looking in two places for things. I want the security of it being where I normally keep it. He refused. I couldn’t believe that he would not go and print it out. I cannot print from my computer. So now I’m going to have to go set me up on his computer and go into my email and print it myself.

This set the tone for the day as I was so shocked by it. Normally he is so good to me and I didn’t understand why he would refuse this. I tried to forget it, but it’s hard to let go of the fact that I asked for something so simple and with good reason for asking, and was denied. I kept thinking if he had asked that of me I would have printed it for him – no problem and no questions asked -knowing that is what he wanted and I’d want to please him and help him. It was such a small thing to ask. So naturally, it hurt my feelings – this simple “no I will not do this for you”, for something that took little effort.

Anyway, I decided to move on to putting out Christmas decor and working on my To Do list. But once someone has wronged me, it’s difficult for me to be around them and just act like nothing happened, b/c it did. I wasn’t over it all day. (I’m still not over it and not sure I will be even it being a simple thing).I did what we are supposed to do as Christians and prayed for him. I will say that I did allow the sun to go down on my anger as it was not resolved but to bring it up again would just create more havoc as he said no and I decided to simply accept that he’s chosen not to help me with that. He’d made his choice and now I’m left to go figure out how to set myself up on his computer or print it at the library. I don’t even know if I can set myself up on his computer. (Note, after reading thru this later, I was able to get what I needed.) It’s just the point and the principle you know as it would only take him less than 2 minutes. But at least I know where he stands right? It’s not important to him. So I will do it myself. It’s on the list and I will do it soon. Because I WILL have what I need put in my billfold.

So that begs the point of me looking for my own printer in my office for the Mac where I can print any thing I want at any time I want and not need anyone else or their approval to do so. I started looking at them last night in bed and trying to decide which one to get. I’m going to need one soon anyway for some other things I’m doing in 2026. So I’ll be getting that probably in January. But this whole thing has opened up a lot of memories from the past and has me asking a lot of questions in my head. And I won’t share those here, but this was so surprising to me, such a little thing to ask, with such a huge negative response and refusal to help.

Then, I moved on to putting out Christmas decor but every time I wanted to put something somewhere there was no horizontal place to put it. There was stuff everywhere, most of it was not mine, a lot of it was Christmas presents laying about, that needed to be wrapped. Our little system of being organized for Christmas is suddenly NOT working. Yes, we are ahead of the game but we are in this tumble of a chaos where you can’t move to organize anything because EVERYTHING is in your way. I was very frustrated with that. You can tell that George is frustrated when I’m frustrated, but alas people just have to get used to your being yourself – especially if they were the one that caused the chaos to begin with. Just printing the simple insurance card for me would have solved the whole thing, but he refused to do it for me. And naturally being shocked, I had to ask why. I’m pretty sure I said please in my asking.

Then George wrapped a present in a cute Christmas felt bag that we only use here at the house b/w us and he gave it to someone else outside the immediate family. And I told him he couldn’t use it as a gift bag. He threw it down on the table. Sorry I’m attached to it and we always keep those to give gifts between us so it stays in the family but I guess he doesn’t know that rule. He should after so many years of Christmases here.

One year he used my Christmas utensil bags that my SIL made for me for our Christmas table and wrapped little gifts in it and sent it to other parts of our family with their shipment of gifts out of state. When I went to set the table they were missing. George told me he wrapped gifts in them, but they were made to put silverware in and lay on the plate, lol! I had to call and ask that they send the bags back b/c they were not gift bags but part of my Christmas table decor that someone had especially made for me and they were sentimental and could I possibly have them back b/c George did not know (I thought he did as he eats at the table, lol). I’m not sure why, but it seems like everything that happened was adverse to one another.

I appreciate that he likes to wrap, but I would really like to keep my Christmas decor in tact, especially if it was homemade for me. So everything that happened yesterday, we were in each other’s way and were adversely handling the entire day. I’d lay something out, it’d get moved. He’d lay something out, I’d move it out of my way. I finally just had to stop and get coffee and keep from having a total melt down. I have a process and a way of being organized and going about things and couldn’t do ANY OF IT in order like I had planned. I was spinning my wheels in place in everything I tried to do. Also all the Christmas decor was in different boxes than I had packed it away in for years as he went through all the boxes last time and rearranged a lot of things. It really through me off. He was only trying to sort through and reorganize things but it can’t help but throw me off, you know. Because I pack them at the end of the season and then unpack them the next so it was a tough day as I couldn’t find anything.

I read some where when there are issues like these and people are unkind to you, it’s a reflection of themselves. I guess that is supposed to make me feel better. In reviewing the situation and cannot see where I did anything wrong. I asked. I asked nicely for the printout. I also have a right to keep my things and not have them be given away. And I have a right to be sad, disappointed, and curious in someone when someone has specifically denied wanting to help me. If someone is upset with that then I guess their upsetness is with themselves? But yet I’m the bad guy now because I’m in a mood that the other person caused, lol. If you care about someone, it’s gonna give you a mood. Our society tries to tell you not to let someone ruin your mood, but in reality it’s saying “don’t care or love them” in a sneakily way because how can you not be moved by someone that you love disappointing you?

Maybe he cared at some point as he knew I was struggling? Maybe he’s even really upset with himself. He offered to bring me drinks all day – hot tea, wine, and later ice cream, but NO proof of insurance, lol, as I stood frozen looking all around at the mess and chaos, and my mood to match. Nothing was going to plan – not him, not the decorating, nothing.

I enjoyed listening to Christmas music all day and was able to get the decor out – for the most part. My back hurt and my legs hurt and my feelings were still hurt at days end. Today I’ll start filming the decor for Vlogmas Day 7. But I need to edit Vlogmas 5 today, and Vlogmas 6 is already filmed.

It’s so hard to forgive people when they intentionally say “no I’m not going to do that for you” over something so simple. The fact that it is so simple is kinda what hurts the most. Not doing that said to me he just didn’t care about my feelings and it’s hard to move on from that if you have a relationship with someone or at least have to be around them all day. So to me -It’s suddenly become something much bigger now. Like, really? You seriously are just not going to just print the proof of insurance thing? No he’s not. To forgive someone over that is hard to do. I mean God doesn’t forgive us if we don’t confess and repent and try to do right by Him. If I continue in my sinful ways and ignore God and His will for my life then He’s not going to forgive me. I think we need to re-think what we believe about forgiveness. Some things are NOT ok to accept. And a lack of turning around is not acceptable.

But…fact is…. I WILL HAVE THE INSURANCE PROOF THAT I WANT TO HAVE IN MY WALLET. Time to get on Amazon and buy a printer. That’s a costly “no” answer he made. lol The Tribe (me, myself, and I) have spoken. (And as of the day of this publishing, I DO have what I need.)

Thursday, Dec 4

Well, yesterday was a much better day. Got Video 5 of Vlogmas edited, doing the thumbnail and scheduling it today for tomorrow. Have to transfer the files over to my Mac for Vlogmas 6 and 7. Also today I’ll be filming Vlogmas day 8, and editing Vlogmas day 6. So this cycle is rinsed and repeated until I’m done with Vlogmas 15. They will have to be shorter at this point. lol It’s easy to get confused and today I had vlogmas day 4 scheduled on Dec 5 for some reason instead of Dec 4th. Geez.

I was able to go in and get on George’s computer and print out the other proof of insurances that I need. You never know when you are going to need this info and just keeping it in the glove box may not be a good idea. I mean heaven forbid you are in a wreck and the glove box is unavailable. Course the billfold might be as well, but when I have a plan of being prepared in my mind and know the level of security and peace of mind that I want to have, I try to trust that intuition and once the mind is made up it is hard to venture away from that. So George telling me he wouldn’t print that for me only meant one thing and that is I’d have to go in and print it myself and/or print it at the library. Or just buy a printer. After this fiasco, I’ve decided it will be best to just buy my own printer so I don’t have to be at the mercy of someone else to do what I want to do without having to get into his computer and override codes and get into his email and stuff to do it. But alas, I have the document I need. It was a process getting past everything but I figured it out and now I’m a hacker of sorts I guess, lol. ha. It only took me 30 minutes but I got it. Geez.

But it was a pleasant and quiet day yesterday. I kept to myself and did my list and got through most of it with ease. Mostly edited and filmed. I am glad I am doing Vlogmas this year, but it’s really keeping me busy. But these videos have been a bit longer than I intended. But now we are in the 2 day crunch cycle so they will have to be quick. My ability to do that will likely determine if I will do this next year. It’s been fun, but we’ll see the overall impact to my life. Right now it feels kinda like a work day as I’m doing this all day long, but with shorter videos it will be manageable. And they will truly be shorter as now that I’m in the 2 day crunch cycle of turning over a video, they will be shorter. I have less of a window to film too.

I did not go to the Magi packing this morning. I committed to Vlogmas and feel I need the time to work on it. I thought the one before Thanksgiving was going to be our last one. I never committed to going this week for sure, so I am not going today. I just can’t pull it ALL off.

I called Mom twice yesterday and she never answered, but she was active on Facebook both times with the “green light” so, I will try calling again today. Tomorrow is her eye appointment so we’ll need to touch base tonight. She is having trouble operating her phone. She’s had a lot of insurance calls because of the open enrollment with Medicare and they have worried her to death so she started blocking calls. We talked on Tuesday and she wanted to make sure my phone was not blocked and it went through then but she’s not answering so I guess I’ll try later. She’s getting to where as Samsung has updates on her phone, she can’t operate it with ease anymore. I suggested going to the old type of phone but she wants the modern type. So she’ll have to deal with it, if so, however she can. I have an iPhone and I’m unfamiliar with Samsung and honestly don’t have any plans to learn it so…..

That’s all for today. Just checking in and I’m enjoying this way of journaling. I’m doing it for myself and if anyone wants to read and follow along, that’s great. I miss the AOL days of journaling. I was doing it for myself then too. Then I began trying to make it different and more palatable for the reader and then I began not to enjoy it as much. It was more like writing an article there for a while. Not that I don’t enjoy it but it is more of a chore to do it that way. I prefer just journaling at this point in my life. I love the raw, just telling it like it is, of discussing what I did yesterday and how it made me feel, etc.

So I am happy today and aside from doing vlogmas things I will be diving into the boxes and sacks and seeing what we have everybody and getting them ready to wrap. I first need to make sure I have things listed on my list for everyone and then I can asses and see what we need to do next.

I’m enjoying vlogging of it all, but I hate having to put make up on and get ready. lol. I used to do it every day for work but now that I am retired I’m kind of spoiled. lol

Ok over and out and I think I’ll post this tomorrow and on Friday’s and then I will start the new one over every Saturday morning.

Saturday Morning

Didn’t get to blog yesterday as it was really busy with vlogmas and also with Mom. George and I left Mount Juliet at Noon to go and get Mom in Lebanon and take her to Hendersonville (about 45 min to an hour away) to her eye doc. We ate afterward and then Mom wanted to go to Walgreen’s.

I put some sale items in my basket at Walgreen’s. I got to the register and the prices did not ring up correctly (buyer beware). I told the guy they were on sale. He had me put my phone number in and one thing’s price reduced but the other item did not. He fixed that. And then whatever George had, same thing happened and he had to fix it. I told the guy, “look we are only putting these things in our cart as they were a good price, but if it’s not honored we’ll put it back”. So my gosh you have to do an audit on every item it seems to get the item at the price that made you put it in your basket. I’ve decided not to shop there anymore unless I have to. And if I do I will make everyone wait until I check every item’s price at the register. Most people wouldn’t have checked, and I’m starting to catch on to these retail scams. They are getting used to people not checking! Life is starting to make me not trust people again. And that is really sad.

After leaving work and being retired I was doing so much better thinking not everyone was out to who do me. But after this week, I’m starting to question everything, and have lost trust in so many people. It’s a terrible setback this week as far as trust in others go. I feel like a lot of trust and respect that took years to build has slid backwards in an instant across a lot of avenues.

So I can feel myself retreating more into my own world and not letting others have privilege into it. The quietness is settling into my soul I guess introvertness takes hold and begins again after so much work trying to pull myself out of a shell. But you know what? I am good with that. I am used to just being in my own world, doing my own thing and happy to dive further into it. I’m used to being misunderstood. So here we are again. At least God is with me and that’s quite comforting. Some very small things are actually are huge mountains of unknown. And I’m unwilling to climb them so I’ll stay out here and camp in the valley below, and look at the stars and know that God is with me. Let the wolves circle. I will look at them without fear and laugh amidst their teeth and snarls. Because this girl is resilient and not afraid. And I’m not afraid to face the truth, nor afraid to share it.

The Tribe has Spoken, again. 😉