These Things Surprised Me, Plus an Update

These things surprised me about retirement. New vlog is out and you can watch it HERE. In this vlog I talk about things that surprised me about retirement, George begins painting, and I reorganized the bathroom drawers.

Life Update:

Well, something felt off the day before yesterday, yesterday was better though, and today I’m feeling a little off again. When I say off, I mean – discouraged, not centered, confused, unsure, and without vision, sadness. So that means time for some pretty hefty prayer.

I’ve recently been learning through self study through a book called THE REAL YOU, that emotions are just that – not the real you – they are fleshly things – although natural – and we can embrace them but it’s better to just acknowledge them when they are not grounded or led by the spirit. For example, fear and anxiety is not of the Lord, but joy and peace is. So to say you should embrace an emotion, I think you should see if it is from the spirit of the Lord. But it’s always a battle – not only within ourselves but in the universe, over good and evil.

So the things I’m feeling, as I’m asking for God’s wisdom and discernment, is to determine if there is something else I need to be doing, another direction I’m needing to be called to, or do I wait for instruction, do I change what I’m doing. Or is it just something I have eaten, or not eaten, or vitamins that were missed, so my brain and body are not working well, or is it just the devil trying to beat me down? I don’t really think I have to know the answer right now. I mean after praying that you be Spirit led and that you do God’s will and that you recognize what it is so you CAN do it, really is all I need to do.

There is nothing upsetting me, aside from the channel not growing, as it plateaus. Well it grows and then pains me in the side – 10 people will subscribe and then unsubscribe. It’s really crazy. It makes you think that people don’t like you. And you start to believe that about yourself that maybe they have a point. You forget the 5,157 other people stayed. It’s the 5- 10 people who left that make you feel bad.

I know, I know. Not everyone is going to resonate with everyone else. I subscribe too to people til I can check them out and then I too will unsubscribe later if the content is not what I need. Sometimes it’s the content and sometimes it is the person. So I try to remember that just unsubscribing is not because I don’t like those people even when it’s the person, but if the person is too young, or not like me, or not the type of person I want to see and providing the content I want to see. I think there is one person that I actually thought, “oh no I can’t do this because of their looks” but it’s mainly because they reminded me of someone else and that was vain of me. But even that person I am still subscribed, lol, but I rarely watch it. I am making myself do it because I don’t want them to fail and I want to support them. lol.

There also are people that actually give you thumbs down on your content and that is so hurtful to me. I would never give someone the thumbs down. By doing that they are wishing detriment on your channel and it bothers me. But I guess I am supposed to look at it like a vote, “no it’s not what I was looking for”, but what it does – it makes you feel bad, like your “less than” someone or something else. I never give anyone a thumbs down as it is so discouraging. If someone were being an outright dumbass I might give it a thumbs down, but I can’t think of a single time I’ve given anyone a thumbs down.

I have heard that some can do that if they are jealous and let’s just face it, the world out there in it’s un-God-led-thinking are just not all going to do right by people when they have no motivation to do so. So I’m not allowing the emotions to take over, but I am acknowledging them as to being unspiritual or at least ungodly for the most part because fear, disappointment, anxiety, unhappiness, and all that are the opposite of the Lord’s spirit and just want to weigh us down and bring us down. I know that my videos are providing some good out there and also providing me a way of connection and sharing of my life like the blogs used to do and still do -partially.

I know that with time, as it has before, the channel will grow. But I’ve been asking myself at what point do I consider myself a success with the channel? Is it 10,000 subscribers? Is it 50,000? Dare I think 100,000 or more? And if it reached that would I want more? I think we compare ourselves either to others or a certain goal we have in our minds.

I also have to have it clear in my own mind what it is I want to accomplish with the channel? Have I already accomplished it? Am I still enjoying it?

In case you are wondering….I do still love the process. I’m finding that two videos a week every week are probably too much and zap too much of my creativity time and make me a boring person. I’m too busy editing and not having time to create or experience life so that creating can be possible as there’s not much to share when I’m just editing. So it also takes some excitement from my life when I’m stuck at the computer ALL day. And so that is a lot of what I am feeling I think.

I’m ok, I’m not quitting. I think we just go through these funks. Writing my feelings out help me determine what is going on, and how I need to deal with it, where it’s coming from and what I need to do about it.

So as of now, I need to NOT embrace these feelings. I need to remember I’m a child of God and Spirit led. I have prayed for discernment and wisdom. The spirit is showing me that I am ok and I don’t have to make any sudden changes, just acknowledge the emotion and wave it on it’s way, having told it “you are not of the Lord” – and quote scripture at it and send it on. I will then think of good things that are lovely and contain joy. And every time I circumvent these emotions I get better at it. They used to last for days, now it’s an hour or two. And I’ll await instruction and nudging from God if there is any direction he wants me to go toward. He will equip me with the tools I want and the desire to do it (I prayed for that too so I don’t be like Jonah, lol). Not being swallowed by a large fish today makes today a great day, I say!

So I’m good. I’m actually excited about today as I’m planning out the next week. I’m a little stuck on vlogging this week in my weekly “vlog” as it has absolutely NO theme and that typically is a guarantee no one will sign on to subscribe. But if they do, they leave anyway. I still need to get over why growth is even important to me as a sign of success. Even the big successful channels seem to have an issue with it. They seem to plateau at times or their views decrease and all that goes with that – making even the successful channels feel like they are on a hamster wheel.

So I think I’m learning on that point just to do what I want, I’m retired anyway, and just not care if I grow or not, but to already look as the channel as a success, because I did it, I’m doing it, and a community of 5,000+ people supporting me even if only 1200 faithfully watch – well imagine speaking to 1200 people at once in a room. Even motivational speakers sometimes have less attendance, lol. So I have to think of myself as having met that goal already and anything beyond needs to just be fun and be me. I’ve never tried to be something I’m not. I mean yeah, we try to make things look nice in a room sometimes or I’ll put make up on (but not always), or try to romanticize a moment (which is really kindof humorous when you think of it, but you all love it – scanning the camera over a cup of hot tea and a book set to good music – who doesn’t, lol. But that is sharing with you what I think is awesome and meaningful because I love hot tea and good books. I’m sharing my best surreal moments that I imagine living in, lol. Being real is important to me though when it comes to living life and showing you my life. I want to help people and I think if that is a goal it will be more successful. Especially since my life is basically kinda boring.

I can see where an extrovert might not like my personality or a northerner not like how slow I talk. So I guess it’s ok for people to subscribe and then leave. At least they gave me a chance. At least the biggest hunk of you stay, so why am I worried about .001 of subscribers. Oh my gosh, is that what it is? Yes! I feel so foolish now putting the stats to it. 10 out of 5157 or so. Geez.

Thanks for listening to my heart (and reading my words).

Love you guys and thanks for any and all support you give. I think the Lord wants me to help George paint, lol. Maybe that is my first assignment, lol!

So if you read this far and need the link again here is the video. You can watch it here.

Ok our internet is off and on again, so gonna end here. Everyone have a fabulous weekend. And what all I said here, no worries. I’m all ok just figuring a few things out and reassigning priorities and letting the spirit lead so all ok!