Things are Changing: What Am I Thinking?

It occurred to me yesterday that I don’t really have much time for my private thoughts. But, I don’t know, maybe that is a good thing sometimes. However, you can lose touch with yourself.

Sometimes I surprisingly find myself driving down the road without the radio on or any form of entertainment, but I’m totally entertained regardless because I’m allowing my mind to think, recall, decide, ponder, consider, plan, and allow my feelings and thoughts to bubble up to the surface. And I find it is very nice.

My prayers often start with me talking to God and morph into a planning session and I have to apologize to God later and ask that all those things I prayed earlier would be blessed in Jesus name because I’d forgotten to reverently end the prayer through Jesus.

What am I Thinking?

When I have had time to think this week, I’ve thought about the following.

• Change. I can feel change in the air. Life seems to change along with the seasons somehow. I just feel a huge change.
• George’s job. It strongly seems that things will come to an end around the end of November. This is speculation only based on things seen and heard around their facility. I think the Warn Act (act requiring 60 days notice of closure) is likely circumvented with the severance package paying the 60 days beyond, but I’m not sure. George is ok with whatever happens. A blessing that he has been studying up on medicare and social security and our budget this year and has a plan to retire early if that happens and will set the ball rolling.
• Retirement. It feels closer than ever for both of us. Mine just a little over a year from now. It’s all about to be very real for both of us.
• Mom. The Power of Attorney thing is a big deal for me. Mom asking us to do this sent a big message. I have been afraid of the moment of what to do and when, but this felt like a big hurdle, the big pinnacle, the big moment, the final declaration. I don’t know. Mom has been the one always wanting sole control. But I guess she realizes that a time is coming when she can’t handle things anymore. So now when she needs us to do something for her, we can. And it will be easier to deal with businesses and entities, etc. I had not realized how much of a weight this lifted from my worries. And I learned a lot during the process
• The Channel. Yes, the YouTube channel. It’s been such a Roller Coaster, but yet it’s been such a joy. And yes, I still want to dive right in. It’s the one thing, besides the dogs, and my to do lists, that have kept me sane and grounded. Although busier. It’s given me hope in desperate days. It’s given me different things to think about. It’s made my world go wide open with possibility. Although frustrating with the lack of time to grow. And not really sure I could properly even handle growth. But it is growing slowly and is in God’s hands as to the timing of the growth. So I don’t kick myself at the slow growth anymore. I just say it’s God’s timing. And what’s the hurry? But it is growing. Sometimes I question myself and have moments of doubt, but I turn it into moments of learning, getting better, and improving. I’ve learned a lot about myself by doing the channel. It gives me something to reach for. And I need that.
• Watching, Reading, Puzzling. I’ve really enjoyed any moments of this lately as busy as we’ve been. I’ve taken this time for granted in the past. I realize how special it is to have time to watch a show, to watch other’s YouTube’s, to watch a show to learn something, to be able to read and jump into another world for a few moments, and to take the time to look at the shapes and colors of the puzzle pieces and put them in the right place. It’s surprising how comforting those things are and how delightful I find myself when having time to do it.
• My to do list. I’m thinking how grateful I am to be able to have the list via the iPhone reminder. It’s so perfect for me and has kept me in line with all of the things.
• Notion. Has been working out great and giving me a place to park my thoughts. I also just learned how to create a journal of sorts on there. I mainly just wanted to do it so I would know how. I’ve felt I’ve been out of touch with my feelings lately and that I could prompt myself to do an assessment daily. I came up with my questions and have started doing that. It’s been fulfilling the last couple of days.
• The Blog. It occurred to me how I’ve morphed from parking my feelings here daily because I’m just not able to be here daily. And then when I am, it’s much less inward and more outward and at a distance – a few photos and a few words about them. I’ve noticed some of my old regulars are falling away. My writings are just not the same. But life is an ebb and flow and always changing, even if slowly. So acceptance is ok. As I change, so will it. I have not intent to stop blogging. When I retire I’ll have more time.
• Texas. George has recently been mentioning it again. Perhaps it will happen one day. The big move. I have mixed feelings. But I’m totally open to it. We decided we probably won’t have time to start getting rid of our stuff until we retire. We just don’t have time to clear out the basement right now. I worry about downsizing because I don’t think George can do it. I’ve lived with him in a large apartment and it was miserable because I like things to be neat but there was no where to put things. I never want to go through that again. I want a space where everything has a place. I worry about planting roots because it takes years to do that. But we’ll figure it out. A lot of things have to occur before the possibility of that. But that has been on my mind some.
• Hello Fresh. We are going to cut it. It’s been nice. We have learned a lot about cooking in different ways. But with the likelihood of George’s job and our upcoming retirements, we decided to cut it for now. We are also missing the ability to eat from our freezer and do weekly meal planning. We are going to do a freezer dive for this weekends video filming, ha! That sounds fun.

So how about that? Those are the things I’ve been pondering and thinking about when I’ve had time to do so. It feels good to be able to think and not just be a robot. I still do feel like a robot some days though. Some days are very long too. But I’m hanging in there and glad that God is on my side and that he keeps me grounded, watches over me, and sees that I have what I need when I need it.