I have never been competitive with other individuals. Not in the traditional ways. I don’t like sports, I don’t like the rush of fear that comes with competing. I don’t like the set up of having to beat someone out. I am very laid back and to me that is just a lot of trouble. That said, I did compete a class mate for the fastest and most accurate typist in my senior class – you know who you are Keith Haddock! I DID compete with others for jobs and did it to win and usually did, whether I knew the person(s) or not. I also have been known to compete on winning “issues” that were important to me in the working world. But mostly I have ALWAYS been competitive with myself.
Let’s set this up. I was an only child for the first TEN years of my life setting the stage for being able to do things on my own. Basic building blocks were taught from parents and teachers both in school and Sunday school – to use time wisely, get homework done, do chores first, and then play. I was taught to finish my assignments also and never delay on getting them done. I was taught this was right and was good. And I still agree!
I always had a desire in me to please others with my following their rules, orders, assignments, and wanted to be found favorable in their eyes. In school, often rewards were given that boosted my morale as far as getting homework, making the grades and assignments. There was a grade after all, if nothing else and that meant a lot to me. In turn, good grades were one of the things that was get me an “atta girl” ice cream cone or milk shake or money from my parents. Grandparents seemed to be rewarded just by you being in their presence and I will forever remember that grace and love that came with no expectations of you other than who you are. Work, however, throughout my career seemed to change and often would take advantage of mine and other’s work ethic. I didn’t realize that for a while but the world began to change too and people became more selfish and those people that ran companies became more selfish, and the individual has since not been as important. I know that now and have since changed jobs and even my career because of that very thing. I also have established boundaries for myself where work is concerned to protect myself and my time – and even my persona and to eliminate stress. Everything has been a huge effort to overcome and it makes me happy to have figured THAT OUT.
So in my jobs and my career — I did what I was told, went above and beyond, put my heart into it and treated it like it was my assignments at school or jobs my parents assigned to me, and had the mindset of getting it all done before any play time could be had. Yes I worked over, came in early, and took on whatever assigned.
Somewhere in my 30’s after having a child, I realized my time started getting crunched. I was told I couldn’t be a parent and work too (in a career like I had) by *some* and I’d have to choose. That did not settle well with me. I proved them wrong, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t crazy. I had the best of every world – a big family, a professional career, a church family and so on. Back then my goals was to get work done, stuff for Katy (my daughter) done, do our immediate family stuff, clean house, do laundry, run errands, see family, and do church work. Life was stupid busy. Mom reminded me then that my job where God was concerned was to take care of my family and that was doing “the Lord’s work”. I got it.
We cut back in the type of church work we did as some of it was proving to be a full time job in itself (Sunday school Administrators – good grief – we didn’t know what we were in for), but were still very heavy involved until we moved doing periodic children’s church, shut in ministry/communion, and the missions team. When we moved we were so burned out on life that we didn’t go to church for a long time so we could set our house up and get settled and just breathe. It was nice. We visited various churches and could never again agree as a family on which one to go to until we found our current church. It was a struggle and one I had to let go and let God. It’s been 14 years and we are about to place membership just now with a church we’ve been visiting off and on for years – many years. That is how burned out we’ve been. But I see that the end times are coming and The Lord needs us to be active and I feel His calling in this strange and pitiful world. Our planet itself is giving the signs, many prophecies have been met, and the rest are quickly coming together and there is not much time left. I’m not certain that we will be as ACTIVE as we were before in our younger days, but we will certainly be connected to this body of Christ and want to get to know them. We are going to need each other to lean on. I’m inserting that information as we place our membership Sunday as long as everything goes well.
All that aside, I’ve always been driven to do all these things and then find time to myself—-LATER. Back then, when Katy was little, if I could get a chapter read in my book I was doing good and that made me happy. Today it is defined by an hour for a blog entry or an hour for working on a video and I still long for other hours to do numerous things. I am frustrated to be in the middle of something and have to leave it.
These things HAUNT me all day – yes it really does – I think about it all day long and I keep moving my to do’s to another day as I never get to them. But I’m determined to get them done by Joe if it is the last thing on this earth I do. By not getting to them I do not feel that glee I always feel of accomplishing what I have set out to accomplish. Like I did as a child, like I did as a young adult, like I have all my life so far, after adjusting the balances of life. I want to succeed. I have a list of what success looks like. It’s not posted here. It’s private. I’m not there yet.
Most of this year (and last) with the addition of Mom’s care, I have pondered – what can I change to make this RACE of life easier on me. I decided not to give up blogging and videoing as I love it so. I also decided if I’m doing something it’s worth doing right and not half a$$, so I make notes and to do’s on things to learn about to improve things. It’s proven to be frustrating. I get “so close” to getting to some extra things and then time falls apart for me.
There is just this mindset within me to compete against myself to get these things done. It’s engrained within from a child. I keep working at it. As fast as I can. I don’t know the meaning of “No you can’t” or “not succeeding”. I have succeeded in most everything else I’ve sought after and I’m not one to let anything or anyone defeat my efforts. I even won an award in college in my personal development workshop for being the one with the most specific goals and plans. They all came true too. I got the job I wanted and where I wanted and when I wanted.
For the life of me I cannot figure out this time thing. Sometimes I think I should just discard it all – no blogs, no vlogs, just sit and do computer games and puzzles and read after work. What would that look like? Would I be happy with that? Would that make me sad? Defeated? Yes probably.
I get so far behind in the videos. I think I’m getting caught up and then life gets busy and I’m always six months behind. So I thought about filming other things. Would I be happy with that? Things that don’t have a time frame. Should I give up the blog and only vlog as that seems to be more of a passion for me now? Should I just blog once a week? The less you blog the lower the numbers of visitors and lower the SEO and all that. I just live in a continual ball of frustration over time trying to figure things out. I’ve tried changing my schedule and even began ignoring housework since it’s the two of us and neither of us really care if the carpet is vacuumed every weekend or every other. It gets messed up again anyway.
I’m not sure what the answer is as I’ve had this dilemma for two years now. As of today I’m not happy with quitting either vlog nor blog – but I can’t say it isn’t rearing it’s ugly head in thoughts. I even began getting stress notices from my Apple Watch that I was stressed while editing videos. What? That is fun time. I think I hold my breath or get excited over it or something, lol. Anyway I realized this week WHY I am the way I am when it comes to trying to accomplish something. It’s just engrained from a child to keep on. Add in the training from the business world and in my studies about perseverance.
I know that God will reveal to me ultimately what needs to be done over time. But until then I have a day off scheduled and I intend on spending a day just working on all things “Less Hustle More Coffee” – ok I may do laundry and do other things but it’s going to be an LHMC weekend for sure.
I have to remember just how far I’ve come with the blog, with vlogging, with learning how to use Canva, and the videos and the camera, and Final Cut Pro. I’m no where near a professional but I love the process and love learning. But I get frustrated staring at what I want to do and don’t get to do. At least there is no limit – I gave up doing Isagenix b/c my “why” was to travel the US in an RV – that lit UP my world. Then I realized as adventurous as George was, he was not going to be a partner in that with me and really wasn’t willing to even compromise to do what I wanted to do. I gave up THAT dream and I’m ok with that NOW because after 2020 and how the world has become now with it’s extreme weather events, extreme politics, extreme evil, planet changes, threats of famines and wars, and economic downswings, and crises – I’m good for just being at home and having a nest. I can watch others live my dream on YouTube in the safety of my own home. At least I get to do that some.
You see, the whole reason for “Less Hustle More Coffee” is to take my persona, sit down and enjoy being less hassled and less worried and less hurried. It’s having a sip of coffee or wine and writing or talking about all the things I want to do. It’s dreaming. It’s also recalling what we have just done in the day or two before in a big way. It’s having community about life and supporting one another. It’s about not being stressed and enjoying the time we have. It’s the reason I’m here to begin with. Life is such a conundrum. I’m not sure what to make of it all. But I need to figure something out before I split a stitch! lol