I Need Your Help with This…

I Need YOUR help with this.

I’ve been struggling the last few days with the ability to forgive someone that has wronged me, falsely accused me, and basically has either attacked, mocked, or condemned nearly every part of my life. The behavior is not new, has happened on several occasions, particularly in the last decade.

I’m always shocked to find myself in this position again. I think I have forgiveness figured out, but yet I am sitting here scratching my head saying how do I do this, yet again.

I think forgiveness is easiest when the person says I’m sorry. Growing up I always thought that is how forgiveness worked 1) When the person wanted to be forgiven 2) Asked to be forgiven and 3) apologized for their wrongdoing against you. Then it was our responsibility to do so. And then forget it as if it never happened.

However, there’s been 2-3 people in my life that have not cared whether I forgave them or not, could actually care less if existed, certainly would NEVER admit their own mistakes or faults, continually blames -not just me but others, has not and would NEVER apologize, and of course would morph out of their own skin before asking to be forgiven.

So my view of forgiveness and the ease in which it can be done, is twisted now. How can I forgive this person? My points of struggle.

• In my mind, to forgive, would be to excuse the behavior, in which I cannot do. It will never be ok to act like this person has, and to be hurtful to others, like this person has.

Jesus & the Spirit is telling me, remember Jesus on the cross saying “forgive them Lord for they know not what they do”. So I guess we are to forgive the person for their ERR and their inability to know and see and understand what they have done. This does help, I think.

• In my mind, it is hard to forgive when the pattern of behavior continues over time and not just with me but with others.

Jesus & the Spirit is telling me, there are some psychological issues at play that goes deep and that the whole issue is really NOT about me but about their own inability to cope with certain things in their life that gripped hold at a younger age. And that NOT EVEN THIS PERSON can see that about themselves.

• In my mind, I have always thought you had to first understand a person and why they did what they did and perhaps you could forgive them then. For example if someone steals from you but in their heart they just needed to feed their family, you could muster up some kind of compassion for why they did what they did. But in this case, I can’t understand why their behavior is the way it is and that makes it harder for me to forgive.

Jesus & the Spirit is telling me, LOOK at your own sins. I’ve had a lot of sins that had to be forgiven by God and that I had to forgive myself for too, and He’s saying that we don’t know what others are going through and to try to realize it was never really about me, but themselves. And to remember the BEAMs and the SPECs. I’ve had some big beams in my eyes.

The only way I’ve been able to forgive another person that was a different situation but yet very similar, was to picture them as a helpless little girl. And it has helped tremendously.

I tried not to let the sun go down on my anger, but I’m afraid it has. I have not been able to reconcile it in my mind in the one day it occurred and the following days in which it re-occured and got worse, which also brought up all of the feelings from the past making it a multiplied situation.

As I’m understanding it, forgiveness is also a RELEASE, to not allow the person and their shortcomings to impact me and my life. RELEASING, I can do more easily and was already on that path. I don’t desire and don’t need to be around someone who attacks me and everything and everyone I care about. That is not healthy for anyone. So while it’s sad, that is easier to do for me. It’s the behaviors, the choice of words spoken that I don’t want to be around. The trust is gone. I thought it was built back up again, but they destroyed what trust had been built. So I know now that this person is not ever going to be a safe person for me to be around, and to trust in.

I’m going to have to be done talking about it and just go on with my life. That is the easiest way for me to forgive, forget, and move on. I have to separate the person from the sin. Love the person and hate the behaviors. Although they are intertwined – and that is why it gets fuzzy.

I’ve had to resort to grey rock situation with others I’d have to forgive that were still in my every day life. Not giving feelings, not giving words or information that can be twisted later. The usual narcissistic advice, has helped tremendously with those people and I suspect will work in this case and I thank the Lord this person is NOT in my every day life. That may be awful to say, but I would not be able to put up with the behavior nor verbal abuse. And I don’t think the Lord requires that of us.

So I am trying to move on, but I do know that the Lord will not forgive us if we can’t forgive others. So I’ve got to wrestle with my spiritual versus my innate impulses here over this. With time I think I can do it. I’m not sure though that stuffing it down below is the right answer as the bitterness will rise time and time again. Maybe that is why we are to continually forgive 70 X 7.

All I really know to do is pray and ask the Lord to help me overcome my natural instincts to hold a grudge forever against this person. I honestly don’t know how I will do it but I keep praying for the person daily, that helps. I keep seeing the person as a little child, and that helps. I keep thinking that maybe there is something mentally or psychologically wrong and that helps.

So I don’t know if you are moved spiritually to share or help me with this or give me any other angles you can think of to help with this, I’d really appreciate it. Otherwise my best coping method is to pray and release, and LTSG. (Let that SHAT go!) lol – Didn’t want to curse but to me shat is better than the other one, lol.