I Need Your Help with This…
I Need YOUR help with this.
I’ve been struggling the last few days with the ability to forgive someone that has wronged me, falsely accused me, and basically has either attacked, mocked, or condemned nearly every part of my life. The behavior is not new, has happened on several occasions, particularly in the last decade.
I’m always shocked to find myself in this position again. I think I have forgiveness figured out, but yet I am sitting here scratching my head saying how do I do this, yet again.
I think forgiveness is easiest when the person says I’m sorry. Growing up I always thought that is how forgiveness worked 1) When the person wanted to be forgiven 2) Asked to be forgiven and 3) apologized for their wrongdoing against you. Then it was our responsibility to do so. And then forget it as if it never happened.
However, there’s been 2-3 people in my life that have not cared whether I forgave them or not, could actually care less if existed, certainly would NEVER admit their own mistakes or faults, continually blames -not just me but others, has not and would NEVER apologize, and of course would morph out of their own skin before asking to be forgiven.
So my view of forgiveness and the ease in which it can be done, is twisted now. How can I forgive this person? My points of struggle.
- In my mind, to forgive, would be to excuse the behavior, in which I cannot do. It will never be ok to act like this person has, and to be hurtful to others, like this person has.
Jesus & the Spirit is telling me, remember Jesus on the cross saying “forgive them Lord for they know not what they do”. So I guess we are to forgive the person for their ERR and their inability to know and see and understand what they have done. This does help, I think.
- In my mind, it is hard to forgive when the pattern of behavior continues over time and not just with me but with others.
Jesus & the Spirit is telling me, there are some psychological issues at play that goes deep and that the whole issue is really NOT about me but about their own inability to cope with certain things in their life that gripped hold at a younger age. And that NOT EVEN THIS PERSON can see that about themselves.
- In my mind, I have always thought you had to first understand a person and why they did what they did and perhaps you could forgive them then. For example if someone steals from you but in their heart they just needed to feed their family, you could muster up some kind of compassion for why they did what they did. But in this case, I can’t understand why their behavior is the way it is and that makes it harder for me to forgive.
Jesus & the Spirit is telling me, LOOK at your own sins. I’ve had a lot of sins that had to be forgiven by God and that I had to forgive myself for too, and He’s saying that we don’t know what others are going through and to try to realize it was never really about me, but themselves. And to remember the BEAMs and the SPECs. I’ve had some big beams in my eyes.
The only way I’ve been able to forgive another person that was a different situation but yet very similar, was to picture them as a helpless little girl. And it has helped tremendously.
I tried not to let the sun go down on my anger, but I’m afraid it has. I have not been able to reconcile it in my mind in the one day it occurred and the following days in which it re-occured and got worse, which also brought up all of the feelings from the past making it a multiplied situation.
As I’m understanding it, forgiveness is also a RELEASE, to not allow the person and their shortcomings to impact me and my life. RELEASING, I can do more easily and was already on that path. I don’t desire and don’t need to be around someone who attacks me and everything and everyone I care about. That is not healthy for anyone. So while it’s sad, that is easier to do for me. It’s the behaviors, the choice of words spoken that I don’t want to be around. The trust is gone. I thought it was built back up again, but they destroyed what trust had been built. So I know now that this person is not ever going to be a safe person for me to be around, and to trust in.
I’m going to have to be done talking about it and just go on with my life. That is the easiest way for me to forgive, forget, and move on. I have to separate the person from the sin. Love the person and hate the behaviors. Although they are intertwined – and that is why it gets fuzzy.
I’ve had to resort to grey rock situation with others I’d have to forgive that were still in my every day life. Not giving feelings, not giving words or information that can be twisted later. The usual narcissistic advice, has helped tremendously with those people and I suspect will work in this case and I thank the Lord this person is NOT in my every day life. That may be awful to say, but I would not be able to put up with the behavior nor verbal abuse. And I don’t think the Lord requires that of us.
So I am trying to move on, but I do know that the Lord will not forgive us if we can’t forgive others. So I’ve got to wrestle with my spiritual versus my innate impulses here over this. With time I think I can do it. I’m not sure though that stuffing it down below is the right answer as the bitterness will rise time and time again. Maybe that is why we are to continually forgive 70 X 7.
All I really know to do is pray and ask the Lord to help me overcome my natural instincts to hold a grudge forever against this person. I honestly don’t know how I will do it but I keep praying for the person daily, that helps. I keep seeing the person as a little child, and that helps. I keep thinking that maybe there is something mentally or psychologically wrong and that helps.
So I don’t know if you are moved spiritually to share or help me with this or give me any other angles you can think of to help with this, I’d really appreciate it. Otherwise my best coping method is to pray and release, and LTSG. (Let that SHAT go!) lol – Didn’t want to curse but to me shat is better than the other one, lol.
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17 Comments
Bobbie Moser
Sonja you are human. You are going through a lot. God knows your heart ❤️ You also know all the right Scriptures that tell you what God wants us to do. At this point give it to God! Pray for this person without ceasing! This person has really hurt you through the years but I feel from everything you said that you still love ❤️ this person. As long as you are doing or trying to do what God wants you to do, remember He is always working behind the scenes. Praying 🙏 for you!
LessHustleMoreCoffee
Thank you so much.
Anonymous
Hello friend, I’m sorry that you are struggling with this for so long. I don’t know the other persons MO, but it seems that only God knows. When we tend to forgive someone it always comes with that person asking for forgiveness. Since this is not your case, my advise is to forgive and give it to God and not let the situation fester in you. You know your heart and God knows it better. Your redemption is in the Lord, not in anyone’s approval….Hope this helps some. Sending you warmth and sunshine from Miami 🙂
LessHustleMoreCoffee
Yes. This is a good point.
Rose
Oh how I wish I could give you the answers to this. Or at least provide you with some great knowledge. But I can’t because I am going through the trenches of this as we speak. We have hit the three year mark now. All over some ridiculous pettiness.
The short of it is that I told this person to back off my grand child. I was not in the mood to play nice with this person. I had watched her one to many times and I said what I said to her. I apologized but this person didn’t want that. Instead she took my youngest grand daughter from me at 4 months old.
For that one move, I can’t forgive her. I won’t forgive her. The hurt is to deep. Oh she has tried to send me letters of an explanation or a very weak apology but what she forgot to do was to stop telling me awful things she (thinks) she knows about me. A half assed apology doesn’t cut it in my books.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you will find that moment of forgiveness if you want to. If God tells you it’s time and you want to forgive you will. But on your time .
You have worked day and night to help your mother make this very big move! No rest, missed meals, give up your time , running errands, doctor appts and so on. Girl you’ve paid your dues!
Said person will have to put their little hand on their “arse” and wait for when YOU are ready to forgive!!
Take care and good luck,
Rose
LessHustleMoreCoffee
Thank you Rose and I pray your situation improves somehow!
sybil wilson
Oh dearest Sonya, my heart aches for you…. The only advice I can give is you must separate yourself from this person. You HAVE ASKED GOD TO FORGIVE YOU. Do you believe he has ? You have forgiven your sister ….more than once….God knows you have tried and tried to be a good forgiving Sister. What other answer do you want. A so called friend acted in an awful way to me. In the end I, had to ask her not to contact me ever again. I had gone through months of not taking communion in church because I did not believe I had really forgiven her..suddenly I knew that I had asked God to forgive me and if I truly believed he did I had NOTHING MORE TO DO…I WAS SO RELIEVED WHEN I TOOK COMMUNION AGAIN I FELT SUCH PEACE. This happened quite a few years ago. I now speak to the person if I pass her, ,but only surface speak nothing about anybody or anything. Please put your Sister out of your life . Look after yourself and George etc etc. What about Mum ? Please watch out for some kind of unkind words from her be ready to also stand back. You should be listening to George he only wants what’s best for you…What about your Aunt, have you spoken to her ? Now go to bed tonight forgive and firget..but don’t bother if that is returned to you. Gods forgiveness is TRUE
Much love. Sybil xx
LessHustleMoreCoffee
Thank you Sybil.
Anonymous
Well, Sonya, my guess is that a lot of your sister’s behavior may stem from hormonal issues. Maybe related to her illness, or not. That can cause someone to “flip out’ and say and do outrageous things. I have had experience in this area. Family members arguing about things, and stopping communication for years, if not decades.
Right now, I am going through this with a VERY close family member. I have reached out, but so far they are refusing to meet me halfway. I feel deserted and extremely hurt, especially since this is one of the worst times of my life. I feel if they won’t even meet me halfway, I don’t know if I can forgive. But life is short, and I don’t know if I can afford NOT to forgive. I hope you settle on what brings you peace.
LessHustleMoreCoffee
Yes, it’s just a lot to work thru but we have to. I’m ok with forgiveness I think- but not ok with being open to being a “whipping post” for their own mistakes or lack of following timelines. Doesn’t make my life an emergency because they are late to the ball game! ya know!
sybil wilson
Did you get my previous comment. I never know if you do or don’t receive any I tried to faithfully write
LessHustleMoreCoffee
I did.
Mona Morgan
One thing I know – forgiveness is a gift to yourself. You can drag the weight around of the hurt they caused you or you can forgive them and set yourself free. Do they really deserve all that rent-free space they’re taking up in your head and heart right now? No, they do NOT! Forgiveness is for you, not for them. Forgiveness can be like a breath of fresh air. What a relief to forgive and let go of that weight.
LessHustleMoreCoffee
Thank you! Thats so true.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry you were put in the middle of it. Not fair to you at all. Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting yourself in their line of fire. I’ve had to forgive people who were anything BUT sorry. I prayed and said “Lord, I’m forgiving them. They’re yours to deal with now and I’m letting them off my hook and placing them in Your capable hands”. I’ve done that multiple times and then one day He showed me that I wasn’t expected to continue to stay and take it anymore. I lost my sister over her constant hatefulness and blame. No matter what I did, she found fault with it, even when it was in her favor she claimed I still got more. I removed myself from her life but I continue to pray for her to be opened to the way the enemy has her bound and deceived. Keep the quilts, ignore their hatefulness, keep your distance and pray for them.
Dan (Steady Hips)
I read your post and felt the weight of those repeated hurts. You mention that in the last decade you’ve faced this pattern, and that 2-3 people have never apologized or taken responsibility. It’s exhausting to keep hoping for a “I’m sorry” that never comes. Sometimes the act of forgiving is less about the other person and more about freeing yourself from the ongoing pain. Remember that forgiving can be a quiet, internal release, not a public statement. You deserve peace, even if the other side never says the words you need.
LessHustleMoreCoffee
Yes, that is true. The devil loves confusion and also narcissistic behavior comes with demons that love to divide and create that confusion. So God is good, all the time, and He has me so long as I keep nestling into Him. I wrestle with what is proper behavior from me. One of the relationships I’ve chose to stay for, another I don’t have to. God requires forgiveness, a debt no longer owed, no ties. I’ve struggled with how to handle it all internally, and how to think about it all. It’s just so odd to have family not love you. I’d have never dreamed that.