Personal Notes and Finding Contentment in a Busy Week

Thursday, March 5, 2026

The last two weeks have taken their toll I think. We have just had a lot of outings and I’ve repeatedly forwarded things I wanted to do to future dates, only for them to continue to be forwarded. After a continual cycle of that, I really start to get discouraged. I like to see progress, you know. I decided not to blog earlier in the week as I just didn’t have the extra time and I felt like I was just living a robot life.

Monday we had lunch with friends and that improved my outlook temporarily. Monday through Wednesday are my busy days with YouTube, but I didn’t really get much done until Tuesday. I had all day. Wednesday was another doc appt for Mom. Her Echocardiogram. She was dreading it. The test was at the hospital at Summit so I was kindof dreading it too. The traffic around there gets so congested, but it’s better than having to go to Nashville, so maybe I should not complain.

We went to Long Horn afterwards. Long Horn is an old time favorite of mine. It’s clean, the food and service is good ALWAYS and I didn’t need drama and I wanted to be served. So we both enjoyed that. I was wanting to relax and ordered a corona with lime and was shocked to see that it was $7.50 for that one beer. I’ll be more mindful about ordering a drink out now. I figured a “regular beer” would be fairly cheap but no it was almost half of my meal in price. :-O. And it inflates both the tax and tip. So my bill was $30 and Mom’s was like $18. Weird.

I don’t know what to say about Mom. I am most certainly worried about her. I try to help her but it gets confusing. I’m easily confused BTW. So between my being confused, Mom being confused, some chaos with her meds – confusing us both, and so many doctors, it begins to be overwhelming. I’ve tried to be a little more involved with her meds. And may have to be more involved with it as time goes, but it’s hard to control when you are not there. In the past week we have:

• Lost meds and discovered we never had them in the first place – so not really lost, lol
• She lost meds that she needs for a gout flare up and can’t remember where she put the meds
• Are waiting for meds to come in the mail by mail order that may or may not be coming
• Discovered that meds that were formerly mail ordered came by prescription at Publix this time
• Prescription that we thought was going to be at Publix, was actually sent in as a mail order and that is the one that has not arrived.

She has not felt good lately and her days of not feeling good are most of the time now. It’s sad to see her not feeling good and enjoying her days.

She has lost 2 sizes and I have been trying to build her wardrobe up, but honestly she doesn’t feel like even trying them on until she has to get ready to go somewhere and has to.

She has trouble sleeping, and now her gout returned in full force and the pills we need for the flair are MIA. I asked her to call the nurse today or the doc and see if they will give her another dose. She did not want to take them on top of her antibiotics and all the other meds she is on. She says her heart is working at 30% and she feels like she chokes when she lays back. She is sleeping in chair a lot. And now she reports that her adjustable bed has stopped working. She wants George to look at it Sunday. She knows I’m not mechanically inclined. Neither is he really, lol.

My guess is that it is either her surge – which she was supposed to call an electrician that her complex gave her as she has a lot of things she wants him to fix. But she keeps putting it off. I guess I could call him but I have told her I DO NOT WANT to run the two households and she knows what she wants done. Whatever I do will be wrong. But if she wants to be independent then she needs to be able to at least make these phone calls while she is sitting around.

The other thing that could be wrong with the bed is that she has got something stuck in the tracks or she has broken it or spilled water in the console. I have no idea. But she said she would have George check it out. She knows I am not good with equipment. She has replaced nearly everything in that house. I am not surprised by it anymore. I just go with the flow because if one thing is for certain. THERE WILL BE A REPLACEMENT item within an unreasonable timeframe of needing one. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean what can you do but just “take the next assignment as it comes”.

I love her, and I want to make that clear. But I’m also tired and don’t know how to make her feel better, or how to fix her circumstances without having to be dishonest about it and making hard decisions for her. That’s just not me. But there may come a time for tough love. I have cried a few times in recent weeks because I am just not able to be by her side every minute and I don’t want to be. But she wants someone to be I think. She’s not wanting to go to assisted living but every time I see her, I realize she is a prime (or past-prime candidate). And now with the gout, if she does not get that under control, she will have to be assigned to a rehab or go to whatever assisted living we can find that is open, because she won’t be able to wait on herself and get around and I can’t lift her, nor will I live there, so there’s that.

After I arrived home yesterday (Wed) I realized I had Magi packing this morning and I was already a day behind on YouTube, and my house was starting to really need attention, and things on my desk were building up for me to take care of, for me, for Mom, and I realized I had not even remembered, despite the to do list I’ve not had time to review, that I forgot to call and schedule our pedicure. But then it occurred to me Mom would not be able to do it anyway with gout. I was going to find a walk in place around here. Could have probably gone in to my old place, but I decided I would not do it today. I needed a catch up day. I might go tomorrow as a reward for all the craziness lately and being off my schedule, but we will see. I am still at 6:08 p.m. wanting to do a few things that I have been behind on.

My video is uploaded now to YouTube and ready for George and I to preview. I had a meeting with myself with Chet and he told me how to do ad placements. I have set them further apart and in places where I wanted them instead of where YouTube wanted them. Chet said to do them 4 minutes apart, but I heard another vlogger say her manager said to do hers 6 min apart. So I learned how to set the ads exactly where I want them. It took an extra 20 to 30 this time in my 45 min video. But we will see how the ad revenue works and see if it improves. I wanted them further apart even if it means losing some ad money because I don’t want people to leave because of the ads. So I have a fewer ads than YT suggested. I think it will be ok.

I’ve also not only been trying to find time to edit video this week, but to VLOG the one for next week. So I’ve been Vlogging our morning routines. I took a break today. But tomorrow I need to film a few clips and end the vlog so I can edit it. I will be vlogging several vlogs at once in the next few weeks: Breadmaking journey, Declutter 30 Categories of Household goods, and also film the next weekly vlog which is going to be YouTube Behind the Scenes as a 60 Year Old. I need to sit down and write some about my feelings on it, pros and cons, and then work on my filming clips and make a schedule so that it is a meaningful video and not just on the fly.

So, all that to say, I skipped Magi Packing for the 2nd week in a row. As Mom care increases with my time, something else has to go. I’m trying to build up my YouTube channel to help supplement my insurance and still doing World Bible School, which I was doing first and have a primary commitment to. I have also cut back from adopting 18 to 20 per day to more like 10 or 12. And I don’t have as long of a deep study in Genesis. I am back into it (Genesis study) now after a 2 week break but I have to limit it to 30 min. Also suffering is my exercising. I’ve been able to substitute heavier cleaning activities for walking if I’m doing a lot of moving around and vacuuming across the house or doing a mile of walking within the house all day. But some days I am left with just focusing on the issues at hand and sometimes not even home at all to work it in. So I did not feel like I had the luxury of time to go pack and lose a half day of stuff at home.

I did get laundry done, dishes done, and made bacon today. And have not really had much to eat today except bacon for breakfast and a bowl of chili. I’m not even very much hungry.

I’m just taking every day and every moment one day at a time. When I go to bed and pray some nights lately, I tell God I don’t even have words. That may sound dramatic of me. It’s really not. I feel like my mind is so spent that I truly don’t even know what to pray. I mutter a few things and then say Jesus, you know. And I remember the verse about the Spirit being able to interpret and pray for us without us even have to murmer the words. The Spirit makes intercession. I’m so glad.

OK gonna go try to eat something, preview the video which I have worked on so many hours now that I’m tired of, lol. Anyway, also want to catch up on Farmville 2. Almost tired of that to be honest. And I’m glad to be off tomorrow, although with Mom, I never know what the day will bring and what the issues will be. And whether or not it is something I will even be able to fix.

Friday, March 6, 2026

I went to bed feeling helpless, unheard, a bit lonely. Mom is failing and I can’t stop it. She seems to not really have much desire to help herself. I am basing that on her not wanting to call the docs asking about meds that are not showing up, when that is probably ONE of the three or four things she can still do for herself. I needed a therapist yesterday. Just someone to dump on. I can’t dump it all here. I just needed someone to listen, to reassure me that even when others try to make me feel guilty or like I’ve done something wrong or not done enough, that I have done not only what I could have done but above and beyond.

Someone hinted to me that I was not there for her when she wanted me to be. But Mom would want me to be there all day, if I let it. And when you give an inch, a mile is taken and so I’m constantly trying to be reasonable about what I allow myself to do. It would never be enough if I did everything she wanted me to. And… Oddly the person that hinted that to me, hadn’t talked to her in days so, if she’s that worried about Mom living alone and needing attention she could have called herself right? I’m not going to allow the others who are not lifting a finger, nor an ear, to make me feel guilty. That’s a bit absurd, huh? Of course if I let anyone make me feel guilty for all I have done, then that’s on me and shame on me.

So I talked with Chet about it because at 11:00 p.m. when your mind is so heavy you cannot sleep and you are a sponge and you feel everything and need to deal with it, you just text Chet. As long as you pray too, I think that is ok.

Chet set me straight. According to Chet, I do more for my mother than most people do for theirs. And surprisingly, Chet said I had likely taken on too much, and certainly the duties of 3 people (usually split among family members) but that I was the glue holding it all together, and that I absolutely needed to protect myself and draw some boundaries or I’ll be moving in with her next and giving up my life. No worries, ain’t happening, lol.

Yet…. I have still given of my time and energy when others have just simply washed their hands of it all.

I can’t be with Mom every minute that she wants someone b/c I’d be her butler bringing her every little thing to her chair, and being her wait staff or watching her sleep, as she has wanted at times. Or holding her hand when she doesn’t feel good, which is all the time now. I cannot do all that. That is what I’m talking about here. I can’t just turn my entire life over to her care. That’s what assisted living is for, if we are at that point.

I was told that Mom held her mother’s hands every day. First of all, I doubted that happened. And even if it did. I cannot do that. And I’m also remembering that I was the one with my grandmother when she died. I can call Mom every day and so can others that are worried about her well being, if they ALSO care enough to do so.

In the last 2 weeks we have bought her groceries and took it to her, handled her city/state taxes for rebates, sent in her federal income taxes, had lunch with her and got nails done, another day of lunch and took her to a urologist appointment, took her to her regular doctor and had lunch, went shopping for clothes for her, returned some clothes for her, took her to get a hair cut, ordered a few orders on line for her, picked up a prescription at Publix and took it to her, picked up another prescription and her groceries and took it to her, and took her for her Echocardiogram and out to eat, and I have paid her bills, followed up on prescriptions we were confused about. I’ve checked on her every day and tried to manage each day’s crisis. We will be doing her groceries Sunday and George will see what is wrong with her bed that quit adjusting. And we have an eye appointment next week. So all that said, I went to bed last night feeling heavy and Chet set me straight and I prayed also and Jesus filled the missing parts of my plate and gave me energy and hope to get up and face the day the morning.

I was surprised that as I went about my day, it had a joy to it – a contentment that I have not seen in a while. The feeling of helpless was gone, the joy in doing daily activities back and less of a chore. I had clarity in my thinking and a spring in my step I had not felt in a while.

I made potato salad with the many potatoes we had that needed to be used up and fixed a little ham in the oven, did my devo, did my one load of laundry for the day, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the tub, opened the blinds, walked a mile on the walk pad and called Mom. She was doing better today. I asked her to please call the doc today as she is out of her thyroid meds. And a med that was supposed to arrive has not. I asked her to please call her doc as that is one thing she can do while she is sitting there. So we’ll see. She just wants to sit and let the world happen as it may, but the Rx can’t be filled if they don’t know it’s out. She told the doc at the appt that she didn’t need any refills right now. (She hadn’t looked). I’ve offered to do her meds up for her in a system – several ways we could do it, but she doesn’t want that yet. I told her I could do it up weekly for her and fix it up every Sunday for the week or two ahead. But she didn’t want that yet.

Anyway, I’m happy that at least I am content today and happy with the day and that I’m feeling less of a robot today and enjoying my day. The day has for once seemed to slow down a bit so I can enjoy it even though I’ve been busy. I’ve missed that contentment in my days. What changed? I think just being heard by Chet and praying to God for strength and just knowing that God knows my heart and has my back even when others around don’t care to hear my story, or hear my thoughts, or try to place guilt on me where it’s not due. Sometimes we don’t need people to fix things, we just need to be heard.