Checking In with Myself: Am I OK?

Sitting here as I type, eating spaghetti for breakfast. I’ve had eggs and toast in recent days and protein bars and honestly just needing a change. Spaghetti it is, a leftover from the freezer, and also a favorite.

I’ve had 2 cups of coffee. George is off for the weekly mens prayer breakfast. The house is quiet. I’ve done my World Bible School for the day which included grading and commenting on 5 quizzes, answering 3 emails, adopting 18 students and sending the already scripted introductory emails. I’ve read a chapter in Beth Moore’s Audacious book as my devo this morning. She loves Jesus so greatly and is a great encourager of women. I question myself if I love Jesus as much as she does. Of course I do, but do I? I can hear Jesus asking me as He did Peter, Sonya do you love me? Yes Jesus you know I do. But do you? I look at Peter, and I look at Beth. Have I done even a portion of what they have done to show I love Jesus? I know it’s not about works, but your works show what you are about. And yeah, I have some works to reveal that shows my faith and love for Jesus but do I do it fervor like a Beth Moore or like one of Jesus disciples? No probably not. So the book is making me reflect. I do love Jesus and I do have faith, and it gets me up in the morning and the Spirit tells me it’s all gonna be ok, which is a beautiful thing.

The Audacious book is not the greatest book I’ve read but some of the chapters or paragraphs are profound, or at least make me think and also some humorous spots too. But some of the chapters are just not pulling me in. But grateful to read so I can inspect and reflect and think about my life and my calling and my future steps. There’s always room for improvement – prayer, study, and fellowship with others are tools to do that.

Am I OK?

I felt I should blog this morning to check in with myself. As I was sipping coffee in the quietness after George left this morning, I was thinking, Am I sad? Am I burned out? Something feels “not quite right”. Usually writing can bring out my deepest thoughts.

So here I am. I’ll just write them as it comes to mind.

*I’ve been continuing to question my pursuit of the YouTube videos. Am I tired? Is my Audience Tired? Am I experiencing Burn Out? Am I too Hyperfocused on this? Is making videos by theme into my vlogs working? Or should I just vlog my days? Either way they are not growing. And every upload brings a few more unsubscribed. That is the bad news. The good news is that the stickability of those that continue to watch are what has been called a good follower base by both YouTube and also AI. Almost 75% of my viewers show back up. Around 50% are regular and 25% occasional. And 25% don’t stay or don’t return with a certain period. My impression rate on the last video was twice what it was on my other videos. I’m told that if these analytics are there, it’s just about to gain momentum again, so that is encouraging. I almost didn’t mention this because I’m not wanting people (readers) to think I’m fishing for sympathy or encouragement. I’m just sharing my thoughts, so it’s ok. I’m always up and down like a yo-yo like most every creator out there.

I remember having an issue getting 100 to subscribe, lol. Then 500, then it just blew up to 5,000. I was so sure that getting to 7500 was going to happen by spring of 2025 this year, but it didn’t. I still have it as this year’s goal but we’re just sitting pretty at 5k + and if it gains momentum it loses it too and then some. I’m told this is normal. And happens to most. And then I ask myself the hard questions.

Why does the number matter? Umm, because that’s how we’ve been taught to count success? lol. I sold 21 cans of popcorn to earn money for my cheerleading uniform. I made $ this amount per year in HR. I have XX this many blog followers. I have this many Instagram followers. I mean whether it’s dollars or people, the numbers have always shown the progress or the success, right? It’s the first number you are told to concentrate on as a new viewer because everything hangs on how many subs you have or views you have. It’s the easiest number to see and hang on to.

What is your purpose in having the channel? This is where I have a hard time answering. I’m still struggling with it. There is my answer and there’s the answer that I want to post. But the truth is…..well, what is it? Hold on while I search my heart:

• It’s something I started and I want to finish, although how will I know when I’m finished? I asked myself that one yesterday also and I answered – after I reach a plaque because then it will be recognized in my heart and with everyone as having reached some level of success. But will my heart want to continue? Probably so, if I’m still active and kicking by then.
• I began this to see if I could do it. I did it. But I don’t ever feel successful at it. So I keep trying different things. Success to me always means growth and it’s hard to come by on YouTube for most of us. Would I even know how to act if it was successful (whatever the definition) all at once? I was kinda freaked out when my “I Gave My Notice” video went viral. I was elated, excited, and then scared. But I found my calm as I knew retirement and more time was coming. The timing was spot on. But I was sure the “success” would continue, but it DID take years of posting before that even happened. When the success or continued growth doesn’t come you begin to question yourself, thus this part of the blog here. What’s wrong with me? Do people not like me? Or negative statements which may or may not be true. I am boring. I talk too much, too slow, too long. I talk about to do lists too much. I’m truly insane. I’m not worthy of a following.
• I truly do want to share my life. I want to be heard. I want to help other women. I have truly felt these things in my heart.
• I’ve wanted community and support. I think we have a good start on this. There are few I’ve really connected with and appreciate so much.
• I want to be liked, loved, and I enjoy the rush I get when people care enough to comment, to share their opinion, or to say “me too” or “I thought I was the only one”. It’s very consoling and reassuring.
• The extra money is nice in retirement. It’s been helping with the tech part of my life. Although I’ll say that the tech part of my life has pretty much all come due at once in the last year. I bought a better camera for vlogging with after trying to use the Canon which I was once so proud of but either something happened to it or I just couldn’t get the right settings, even on auto. And the new iPad wasn’t cheap. The watch was bought last year. I think it’s worth having as you get older. And now it’s time for Mac to be replaced. So let’s talk about THAT.

Needing a New Mac

Oh my gosh, the prices take your breath away. Mine is a 2019. The processor is old and the memory is too small for the latest software with both Sequoia and Final Cut Pro. Not enough memory to run both on my Mac anymore. I have nothing running in background but essentials and everything has crashed on me 2 to 3 times in the last 3 videos. I am pulling my hair out increasingly with every video. Thankfully Apple would not allow my device to take on their latest Tahoe software. I’d probably never get past the logon, if they did. I’m sure they have realized that even Sequoia was too much. Not for the regular user probably but for creators, gamers, music studio people – it takes too much memory. I didn’t realize it was a memory problem until yesterday. But thanks to AI, ChatGBT, it helped me figure that out.

Regardless of what it was, I was planning to get another one but was holding out as long as I could. I think we are at that point. The continued struggle is impacting me greatly in a negative way. I begin saying bad words, and getting angry, even though I know better because my anger is so great at that point and of course I always take things personally. I always think it’s the devil trying to play games with me – and it has nothing to with the fact that 666 processes were running on my computer at the time? And so I get so mad at the devil. And I know he laughs at me as I swear at him and I’ve fallen right into his path, just like he wanted. Get thee from behind me Satan, I’m cutting off the old Mac and buying a new one so I can boot you with it.

But the prices will take your breath away. George assures me it’s ok. I did the math. And roughly if last six years it’s only about $1 a day, which in reality I’d pay more than that – don’t tell anybody, lol. I just have to pay it upfront. That’s the hard part. I told George I wish we had a payment plan and he said “we’ll make our own”, lol. I’m glad he is so kind. I love a man who will support my tech habit, my love for my Mac, and my YouTube channel. ha. I actually did tell him I loved him for letting me have a Mac. I would love him anyway, but this sure makes my life easier. So all in all it’s a good deal when you look at the enjoyment level of $1 a day for the next six years. So yeah, the trek to go get that is coming soon.

So Am I OK?

Yes, I’m ok. I’ve come to that conclusion by the end of my typing session here. It’s all about doing what you love and loving what you do.

I am truly burned out and I’m glad not to be vlogging this week. It worked out. I stay two weeks ahead of real time, so if we travel or I become burned out, I have a week to play. And that has worked out great. I’m discovering that planning videos is exciting but it can be difficult to live life, do things for Mom, keep up the house, do the Lord’s work, keep up with myself, do some hobbies, and…..edit videos, vlog pre-scripted videos on subject matter, or even vlogs themselves if I don’t want to take a shower and put on make up, and do all the things in one day. So yeah, I’ve tried lately to relax more and do what I want more, but I’m still a little burned out.

It’s ok though, this week I’m off and that’s really how I’m able to do this. However, I have to hurry now and take a shower and go get Mom as she needs some new clothes and wants to go shopping. So we planned today to go do that. I have to have a few days notice to plan my week, so that I’m not gone too much in the week. I don’t do well if I am out too many days in a row. I begin to freak out as my routines are all messed up.

Anyway, all is ok, I’m just thinking out loud. I’m excited about life – although burned out and a little discouraged. It’s probably just for the afternoon or too, and we have some travels to look forward to, some holidaying coming up. Life is really busy right now, but the projects are dropping off some as I planned it that way. It’s all good. I’m happy, just always a little more over booked and over scheduled than I like to be, because my heart tries hard to do things and there is never enough time. No matter how much I tweak my to do list, or my methods, it’s just always going to be over booked. I never have a good grasp on time and I’ll always think I can do more than I can. I’m finally accepting that. Or am I? lol

Have a great day. I’m running late, but writing is going to be a very big part of my 2026. So might as well get to it, lol.