Beauty in the Darkness, Somewhere in There

I want to say that I am not in a good space today, but yet I am, because I know that I am strong, especially when backed by God.

It’s amazing how few words it takes, even innocently, to cause a STINK STORM, sparked by entities completely uninvolved. While I don’t really want to go into it here. The WHOLE thing has left me in a major funk. But yet, not really. I’m rising above it all, as I can do. But it has truly made me feel alone in the world, aside from God being by my side.

It’s also made me not want to speak. Like ever. I’m just done. I feel like NO one ever understands where I am coming from. And when I begin to trust people again they just slap me in the face with misunderstanding. So I’m kinda done. Like really done.

I am done. I am tired. I feel like running away, like far away. But that is not the answer either. I shall carry on, rise above the ashes of yesterday and continue on with my job, with caring for Mom, WITH OR WITHOUT HELP from others (that tend to wane or exit from every direction). I will continue to do the Lord’s work, and somehow in some small corner of the day after I’m tired out, continue on with my own work.

I had a dream last night, of the dreaded kind. A near worst case scenario dream. I was amazed as I was able to keep my cool, rise above that too, and even though feeling dark and a little desperate, was able to function and still keep going in a very dark and distracted world – even while distracted myself. I was leaning on God and He was pulling me through and leading me to a level above the ashes where I could see a little more clearly…the NEXT STEPS, moment by moment. I was not allowed to see the future but enough of the next scene to be able to see where to step.

Beauty is not from the outside but God’s telling me beauty is the woman that seeks God. I may never reach Proverb 31 status. I’m full of flaws and side tracks and impatience and selfish will power, but there is one thing I do and that is I love and trust my Lord. He will never leave me stranded in misunderstanding. Ever. And I let Him control my steps. It’s necessary. On days like these when the world fails me, misunderstands me, leaves me to bare it all alone, it’s still ok.

Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

It’s still ok because He brings beauty in the darkness.

I still don’t want to talk today. The world will be blessed by one fewer mouth making it worse. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, but today will be quiet. I have an array of emotions right now. I am angry, sad, lonely, distraught, and very close to just calling it done on all accounts. I am so very tired. And tired of it!

The tribe has spoken.