I’m Dizzy and Throwing My Hands up in the Air

I’m in a bit of a struggle right now. I know this too shall pass. But dizziness/vertigo and nausea has begun, and just when I thought I was on the mend from this virus thing that I have had.

I was able to get a few things done yesterday. I have so much more to do today. I will do the best I can holding on to things I guess. I’m eating crackers and drinking hot lemon ginger tea. I will do the lighter things today. My guess is that the fluid build up from the cold/virus has impacted my inner ear. Last time, this happened before I got sick with a sinus/virus thing. This time it was after. So I’ve had this thing twice this year.

I told George instead of retiring to Texas we may have to move to Phoenix, because of our sinus issues lol. He then said Montana. lol.

So George is still going to church today, but I’m staying home obviously. Mom has called and said she is not going to church today – I had accurately predicted that one since she’s mad at me. But she left requirements that George come put in some light bulbs for her today and bring her some hamburger meat. George was already planning to see to all her needs today as much as humanly possible.

Maybe she didn’t like that we decided to divide and conquer on Sunday’s and not both spend all day on her needs as our arrival time to get home on Sunday’s was close to 4 p.m. She suggested the other day that she should have just stayed in Columbia. I thought she would be happy for us to find ways to get our stuff done too. But something about that upset her. I am not sure why she cannot see we are not home much and that we need to do things here and live our lives.

Anyway, it’s been a big bad busy week. I had to miss two days out of my work schedule for her doc appointments this past week all without complaining (during a quarter end month too) and all while sick myself but not having time to go to the doctor for me. I made up some of the time and had to use PTO for the other. Even so, Mom requested I give her my only day off Saturday as well to go shopping and I had to tell her no. I needed some rest. And we have company coming next weekend and I need this weekend to get ready. We’ll be focusing on cooking next weekend.

I really hate that she feels she made some bad decisions though. But maybe she is right. Maybe she should have stayed in Columbia and gone to assisted living, or paid for home health care with the money she had to spend on everything up here to make herself happy – or try to anyway. I don’t think she has been happy here. I get mixed messages. I know she misses her home and her home town and some of her friends there. But honestly I was not getting vibes that she was happy there either. Which is why we started having conversations about her being up here, so we could help her, like we have been doing since she has been here. Which is too far for us with her down there. And with her other daughter out of the picture.

Or perhaps she should have stayed and tried to work it out with her other daughter so that they are no longer estranged. As I understand it from both, their relationship went south over the subject of time as well and how much of it or little of it was spent on Mom. But I don’t have a dog in that hunt so I try to stay out of it on their end. All I know is it’s all sounding familiar and ringing a bell, and well that gets my attention.

But it was her decision to move. And she chose to buy a house. She wanted to be able to live independently is what she said when she made her decision. But I think time and time again she is proving that she really needs more help than we are able to offer her. I hate that. Maybe deep down that is what this is about. Maybe she is not wanting to face just how much care she is needing/asking for and maybe our having to rearrange made her realize that. I hate to think the reason was because she was being selfish. Surely not! So I’ll try to think positively about why that would possibly upset her.

It appears, as time reveals it, and situations occur, that she has needed us to be her assisted living staff, and maintenance staff. And of course we didn’t sign on for that and won’t be able to sign up for that since we work FT. Not sure we could do much more after retirement either, especially if we move to TX. We did offer to lend her help which we have gone over and above to meet her needs and even her wants.

So yes, maybe she should have stayed in Columbia, if that is what she was needing and wanting. Seems like we can’t meet her expectations based on her comment and anger toward us.

I personally just feel like giving up. Anything I do toward helping seems to be quickly forgotten as if a vapor. I feel like I can’t win over her love no matter how hard I try. Psychiatrists say I never will in certain instances. Her other daughter has already given up. I keep trying to do what I think God wants by taking care of appts, getting her groceries, ordering things on line, taking her out to eat some and taking her doggie trims, and taking her shopping some and sending back returns when they don’t work. And while we work FT (out of town) we have no choice but to decide when we do those things. I’ve even offered to take care of her finances – paying her bills etc. But she says she is not ready for that. But there seems to be some confusion here and there about some of the accounts and what is happening with them. But it’s hard for me to know. You are either all aboard or no clue. So I have no clue since I don’t have access to her accounts to be able to help. But have offered to do it for her so she doesn’t have to worry about it.

But I think God wants me to also be able to keep my own home alive and my spouse content. I don’t think he calls us to become a personal aid and assistant at every beck and call. God doesn’t ask us of that when he wanted us to help others. Whenever Mom has asked for anything we have usually met her request. There are a few things that we couldn’t do that wasn’t reasonable for us to do since we worked and didn’t have the tools or time to do it, but we have met her needs and most of her wants to the best of our abilities without just totally abandoning our own households and each other. Although, I cannot truly say right now that we haven’t abandoned our house – because it has been neglected. I ‘m not saying that is all because of Mom, as our we like to have some down time too with our hobbies – we are human, but we have definitely spent serious chunks of our time in the last three years toward Mom’s cause. My only complaints were just trying to work out my schedule and that my sibling wasn’t helping. I’m sorry if that offends anyone but that is just the way it is and the truth. It would be offensive to me that someone would not want for me to have some time alone or with my spouse or to clean my house or to spend time doing a hobby so I don’t go further insane. If there is truly love there, wouldn’t that be considered for me? A relationship not be one-sided? Just because someone is an elder is not a reason to think I shouldn’t have any time to myself. Life goes on. It’s not one sided about one person’s needs. Other people exist too.

Yes, it may not meet her timing but Mom has always had what she needed. I was even ordering cold medicine for delivery while in San Antonio. Her stuff takes a lot of time as it is. And we’ve worked hard on the schedule and timing and try to see to it she has what she needs every week and extra hard when we have to be gone even for a few short days. And we have also tried to meet her wants and desires as well best as we can. And we have a few too of our own.

It’s so kind of George to offer to take care of her needs and split the time with me for my sanity sake on Sunday’s. Bless him. He gets stars in his crown. What spouse would do this? And if God doesn’t give him his stars in his crown to him I will do it and no I’m not a deity. lol. Even if Mom never appreciates or understands that, I certainly do. He has worked tirelessly for her more than any other person since I’ve known him. I’ve not seen him work that hard for his own parents. He moved all Mom’s stuff twice when she wanted to move up here. He allowed her to live in our house for almost a year til her house was ready after her old one sold. He helped get her to all those building appointments when they built her house. He helped her with a lot of details that she needed of him when buying and selling because of his real estate background and he does some of her banking for her. He became her son. He lovingly and righteously helped her. Even while sick on moving day. I ‘m convinced he had COVID and wouldn’t tell anyone. He was sick as a dog that day. And he had to drive that big semi -like truck and was scared to death. I cried that day as he pulled out. It was dangerous. He was frightened too. Does anyone remember that? I sure do. He has done so much for her as a son-in-law, like a son.

But yeah, I’m kinda starting to give up. I don’t know what the definition of that means yet, but looks like she is getting closer to having to make some more decisions, especially as we retire, if not sooner, because I’m not sure I like my family and I being punished for trying to help and make the schedule work for all. That is just a fact of life that we have a life too. I just don’t get it. I just don’t understand.

This situation beats all I have ever seen. But it’s likely not to change or get better no matter how hard we try. I think my mother probably needs to go to assisted living and sell her house here if she thinks this is not working for her. She really had it made with our help. And if she is angry at us for no good reason then this is starting not to work with us either. She will have to hire a moving company or have an auction. And since she wants to go back to Columbia, then that would be fine with me/us. Not that it is our decision what she does now. But I won’t be seeing to her needs in Columbia as it’s too far for us except for an occasional visit. But she’d get what she wished for since we are evidently not meeting her needs here.

My Dad always said “be careful what you wish for, you’ll probably get it”. I don’t think she will see the personal care there, that she has here, quite frankly, but as we always say, have at it!

I’m not sure what will happen going forward. But hopefully my dizzy spell will all go away! At least I’m getting hungry and that is a good sign. I’m ready to be well! I want to feel good again and want to feel like doing things.